24 Things About Day Six

5.02.2014

Like a Phoenix...or some other town in Arizona.

WATCH THIS SPACE!

Man, Blogger (and life?) sure has changed since my last post in January 2009. For one thing, I finally got that dog I was always whining about! I didn't name him Bauer, though, because Days 6-8 all kind of sucked. Meanwhile, the Tomatoes had two kids. They are named Tony and Doe Eyes, true fact! A ton has happened, kids, but none of that is important.

The important thing is that JACK IS BACK! Who cares if Live Another Day will probably maybe be kind of crappy like the last couple of seasons? There's no substitute for some Jack Bauer Badassery. Just watch an episode of "Touch," and you'll know what I mean.

Anyway, stay tuned to this space, because who knows- if Hour One of LAD is sufficiently awesome (and with Jack, Chole, President Heller, Audrey (!), Rey Curtis, and Yvonne Strahovski all involved, it just might be), I might just have 24 Things I Think I Thought About While Wishing That LAD Was a Flashback Season Where Jack, Tony, Doe Eyes, Chole, Chase, and Bill Buchanan Teamed Up to Take Down Mandy, Who's Still Out There, Right?

Until then, be good to each other.
-apk

1.15.2009

24TAD7 (08:00 -- 09:00)

Wow. So now I know what Sir Edmund Hillary was thinking when he stood at Base Camp and looked up at Everest’s peak. Later, he’d claim that he climbed the highest mountain “because it was there.” However, I’m quite certain he looked up at the snowy top of the world and thought, “Holy shit.”

And with that, I (finally) welcome you to the start of DAY SEVEN. Someone remind me to get a new banner graphic for the page, will ya? Anyway, over two nights, we got four hours of 100% not from concentrate straight-dope-kickass Jack Bauer actionosity. So good, that I’m making up words already. But I digress. Four hours means 96 Things to talk about. And away we go.

The following takes place between 8:00am and 9:00am. Events occur in real time. We’re LIVE! to tape from Ice Station Zebra 2.0 and we’re watching the show unfold in a state of post-San Diego Destruction bliss. YOUR cast of characters includes Yours Truly, Sprout, Mrs. Sprout, Swann, Sky, and Kelly the Ballerina. What a crew. Sadly, I lack HD. I’d take a shot at my cable company being not Comcastic at this point, but it has since fixed the problem, and granted me three months of free DVR for my troubles. So yeah, not angry anymore. Anyway, without further ado, 24 Things I Think I Thought About 24 While Finishing Off the Lucky Stillers Cake and Resuming Despising the Baltimore Ravens and thinking that Bromberg’s “Root for Pittsburgh” Fugazi Tendencies are Both Ridiculous and Pathetic.

NEW! Recap soundtrack this hour: Keane – “Perfect Symmetry,” Keane- “Under the Iron Sea,” (yes. These take so long that i've now rolled through two albums twice).

1. Paging Dr. Phlox, Dr. Phlox. Hey! It’s John Billingsley! Love that guy. In what will be a new (and time consuming) running item this season, I will now point out every “That Guy” on the show. We come right out of the gate with kookie character actor John Billingsley, best known (to me) as Dr. Phlox from Star Trek: Enterprise. You may also know him as the guy who has guest starred on just about every show ever, including Grey’s Anatomy, Prison Break, and the short-lived, oft-lamented The Nine. He’s driving along with his daughter and HOLY SH!T!! (moment #1) he has one of those Volkswagen commercial crashes! No, wait- he has TWO of them! THAT’S how you start a season. Up the Volkswagen crash ante!

2. Those eyes. Those spoilerific eyes. I wonder who has captured Phlox? Who is staring out under that foreboding ski mask? Who ever could it… aww- really. C’mon? Who didn’t know that it was Zombie Tony Almeida (spoiler!) right then? Anyway, let’s move on. That was a pretty effective opening salvo.

3. “Jack, bad things happen to you because you’re a dumbass.” Oh hells yeah! It’s Senator Red Foreman (Kurtwood Smith) playing the biggest pain in the ass Senator since Ortolan Finistirre. He has our Lord and Savior Col. Jack T. Bauer, Toughnuts, Esquire, testifying before a Committee to Spit on the Grave of CTU. Jack’s facing an indictment. I hope the hearing plays out something….like this.

4. Encylcopedia Twentyfourica. If you’re scoring at home, the “Ibrahim Haddad” mentioned during the testimony is the guy who…wait. Umm, he never actually did anything in any of the episodes. You mean after six seasons of Jack torturing people, they couldn’t even question him about something that we SAW? WHAT ABOUT THE GUY HE SHOT AND BEHEADED IN DAY TWO? WASN’T THAT a little HARSH? Sigh. Anyway, yeah, CTU’s been shut down. Did I mention that Day Seven’s taking place in the District?

5. OH NO HE DIDN’!!!! So Jack, was your treatment of Haddad a little over the top? “Probably.” (Rock!) What a speech by Jack: ''And please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions that I have made, because, sir, the truth is, I don't.'' SERVE! SERVE! SERVE! SERVE!

6. You really have no idea how this show works, do you, Red? Jack just got a “Get out of testifying free” card in the form of a subpoena to join the FBI to help with a “situation.” Here we meet Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching), who despite an uncanny resemblance, is not, in fact, “Jan” from The Office. She’s actually from General Hospital or something, I dunno. My gut tells me that she’s kind of hot. Let’s go to the tape:

Wer-schwing!

Decidedly WASPy redhead with green eyes? Dare I say it, she’s an Adam Girl™. Anyway, Senator Foreman tells Jack he has to come back tomorrow. Oops.

7. Me not like 24 not use CTU but use FBI instead. Since it’s not a season of 24 without some office in-fighting during a crisis, we get to meet BIZARRO CTU, featuring Janeane Garafolo as Janis Gold, AKA “Bizarro Chloe,” and Rhys Coiro as Sean Hillinger or “Bizarro Edgar.” Now, The Tomatoes have argued that Sean is closer to a Bizarro Milo than a Bizarro Edgar. However, when you look at the interplay between Janis and Sean, it’s much more like that of Edgar and Chloe, where they obviously like each other in a friendly sense, but are both totally socially inept. Yet, Janis is happy-go-lucky (“I’m a cheerful person”)—the opposite of Chloe and Sean is gruff and sarcastic—the opposite of Edgar’s pure-hearted dork. I think there’s a 60% chance that they just start recycling old Edgar/Chloe dialogue by the end of the season, but with the roles reversed. In short, it’s my blog: Janis is Bizarro Chloe and Sean is Bizarro Edgar. Try to keep up.

8. Stage Two of our dastardly plan: Fire a Diamond Lazerbeam FROM SPACE! The terrorists and their still *chuckle* unrevealed leader are toying around with Air Traffic Control. They are totally pulling a Die Hard 2 here. This organization is hardcore—it gets its ideas from whatever’s on Encore this month.

9. GASP! WHAT? Yup, TV’s worst-kept secret revealed! It’s ZOMBIE TONY ALMEIDA! (ZTA to his friends). He’s leading the terrorists! While 11 million people vacillate between thoughts of “AWESOME!” and “OH, COME ON!,” Agent Walker reminds Jack that Tony was whisked away mere moments after he “died” in Jack’s arms, only hours before Jack was captured by the Chinese. Also- his coffin had a different body. Notably, he has returned with a boss short-haircut and a goatee, which means that he’s EVIL. Jack is unconvinced.

Also allow me to be the 1,345,594^th person on the web to point out that ZTA never received a Silent Clock after he died. So technically he wasn’t dead. Whatever. Glad to have him back, if only it means he will be able to participate in another All-Star Game Celebrity Softball Game. Dude can rake.

10. An airplane is going to fall off a rollercoaster and break every bone in it’s body. What? It can happen. THAT GUY alert—Air Traffic Controller guy is none other than Chris Williams, who you know as that guy from Dodgeball. As a dodgeball player of some repute in these parts, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that he is eliminated in the final against Globo Gym when he TURNS HIS BACK ON THE OTHER TEAM. Are you kidding me? You never turn your back. Patches O’Hoolihan certainly rolled over in his grave when he saw that.

11. McGuffin of DOOM. Today’s McGuffin of DOOM is the “CIP” device, not to be confused with the CHiPs device, which was designed by the government to drive Al Qaeda crazy by beaming the cheesetasticly homoerotic adventures of Ponch and John into their cave hideouts. The CIP device apparently protects the entire Interwebs from bad guys. If you can control that…blah blah…breach firewall….blah blah, bad things happen whatevs. We’ve GOT to get it back! THERE'S NO TIME!

12. Repeat: He’s EVIL. Just to bang home that ZTA no longer plays on the side of the angels, he tells Dr. Phlox that if he can’t get the CIP working tout de suite, that he “won’t need [him].” Luckily, though he now has a mustache to twirl, ZTA refrains.

13. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If I’m asleep, it means we’ve moved to the Presidential B-Plot. We do learn some important things at breakneck speed. Robin, to the bullet points!

- THAT GUY! Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) from The Shawshank Redemption is President Taylor’s Chief of Staff. His name is Ethan or something. Warden should suffice. Of course, I will always remember him as the San Angelas Police Department Chief from late 90’s classic Demolition Man. That movie was da bomb-diggity back in da day.

/90s speak

- President Taylor has “lost a son” to suicide. Thank God they made this happen off screen. That dude was borrrrr-ing. Don’t forget that, in Redemption, John Voight was eyeing up her son at her inauguration because he was afraid that the son could uncover his plot to re-equip General Juma, formerly deposed dictator of Sengala. I am not saddened by the loss of this boring character, so long as his girlfriend Carly Pope sticks around.

- Juma, “The Rocketman” from The Rock has control of Sengala and he’s doing a little ethnic cleansing. President Taylor, though ally-less, is planning to intervene. Her Sec. of Defense is not thrilled. She doesn’t care. Why I should care about this storyline is beyond me.

14. That’s one theory. Walker figures that ZTA hates the American government now because Charles Logan killed Doe Eyes. Jack doesn't think that’s a good enough reason. Then again, he only lost Teri Bauer. If I lost Doe Eyes, I'd go apeshit. If Jack would have lost Audrey, I’m certain that he and Tony would have teamed up, Wonder Twins style, taken over the country, and we would now be living in the Bauer States of Almeida. Which, come to think of it, would be kind of cool.

15. Doo-doo-dah. The FBI’s ringtone sucks.

16. Blah blah Juma blah. I already don’t care about this story. It needs to get tied into Jack’s story about twelve minutes ago. If we’re not going to do that, can we get back to Jack helping the FBI finding Tony?

17. MAVERICK!! President Taylor says “[Forget you] Jobu, I do it myself” to the UN (I just realized why that’s extra funny *hint- think David Palmer), and she’s goin’ into Sengala come Hell or high water. Hells yes! She is most obviously the Senator from the Great State of Alaska.

18. Even I didn’t know THAT GUY! Apparently the guy using the CIP McGuffin of DOOM and helping Tony out played S.Sgt. William “Wild Bill” Guarnere in HBO’s AMAZING WWII drama Band of Brothers. How Sky, a 24 rookie, saw that is beyond me. Major props. The character “Tim Woods” is played by one Frank John Hughes. He’s also been in The Sopranos, The Guardian (tv show, not Costner/Kutcher vehicle), and most recently in the DeNiro/Pachino crapfest Righteous Kill.

19. I call shenanigans! Okay, the President has word that the air traffic system has been compromised, but the Warden says that it will take 12 hours to ground all air traffic. I refuse to believe it would take that long. How long did it take on 9/11, in a US where there had never been a major terrorist attack? In the CTUniverse, there’s a new major terrorism-related disaster every couple of months. Clearly, the FAA would be able to ground every flight in a matter of an hour or two. What a silly plot device.

20. CARLY POPE! Comin’ atcha! Our C-level storyline is the First Gentleman’s crusade to prove that the First Stud did not commit suicide. New evidence points to the dead son’s g/f (CARLY POPE!) receiving $400K in an offshore account a few days after his death. ZzzzzZZzzzz. Wake me when he confronts Carly.

21. NOW we’re cookin’ with gas. So B-Edgar has been staring at the same six document clues for ages and he’s getting nowhere. In the time it takes Jack to take off his tie and grab a chair, he recognizes a name in one of the invoices ZTA used to buy components for the CIP of DOOM. It is one “Gabriel Schecter,” who, in the next part of our THAT GUY! Schmorgasbord will be played by none other than Tommy Flanagan, who was Maximus’s right-hand man, Cicero, in Gladiator. Isn’t this game FUN?

22. LET HIM DO HIS JOB. Jack’s plan for Cicero: 1) get him; 2) torture him; 3) ????; 4) profit! Larry Moss, heretofore unmentioned Agent-in-Charge of the local FBI office where Jack is working with Agent Walker, is unimpressed. He gets in a pissing contest with Jack. He’s sort of a Bizarro George Mason, in that he’s an unlikable dick, as opposed to Mason’s awesomely great dick. Moss, if you’re scoring at home (and we are here!) is brought to you by Jeffrey Nordling of, well…nothing I seem to have ever watched. How is he so familiar? Anyway, he calls out Jack when Jack gets in his face, because NO ONE TRUSTS JACK BAUER. At least for once, there’s a reason for this, being that Jack is about to be indicted by the government. Based on that little twist alone, it works.

23. She’s still trying to get her hands on an ’01 FLEER rookie. Agent Walker clearly collects Jack Bauer baseball cards. She keeps siding with him and following his plans, much to the chagrin of Mr. Moss, with whom she is quite obviously having relations. All they do is give each other knowing glances and stuff all day and get worried about each other. It's cute, in a "dipping the pen in the company ink" kind of way. What could go wrong? I mean, Jack was sleeping with Nina...crap.

24. I heart Renee. Maybe. Wow, really? Cicero has aged about 32 years since Gladiator came out in 2000. Tough break. And BOY is he English. I’d like to go on chick safari with him, that accent would be deadly. Anywho, Cicero’s not talking, until, in our DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT Agent Walker breaks his sidekick’s arm with some FBI-fu, and turns Cicero’s earlier warning that “he has a witness (to any Jack brutality)” around by saying “Your man was going for his gun—I have a witness.” That. Was. Awesome. She then unleashes Jack, who nearly gouges Cicero’s eye out with a Bic Rounstick before Cicero cracks. See, Cicero was working for …POW POW POW! Total snipage. Dead. Then, a phone call from Tony, “Just stay away Jack.” In a word- Frakking Awesome.

Meanwhile- Flight GAS 117 is about to become “Lost.” I slay me.

The Verdict: By God, that took forever to write. Good thing I don’t have to write a “Verdict” for this hour, because the next hour is starting right…now.

11.26.2008

24 Things About "24: Redemption"

Well, if that’s not the most misleading title in the history of blogging, I don’t know what is. Why is it misleading you ask? You know the rules! 24 Things per hour means it’s time for 48 Things I Thought I Thought About “Redemption” While Wondering Why “Redemption” is the Movie’s Title Even Though Jack has Nothing to Redeem Himself for and Thinking that Maybe it has Something to do with the Fact that I Need to Redeem Myself for Letting 24 Things About Day Six Putter Out with the End of Season Six, then Thinking that Maybe 24 Just has to Redeem Itself for Season Six. Y’know?

1. Previously, on 24

So yeah, Day Six kinda sucked, all-in-all. When last we had seen Jack, he thwarted the Chinese and his Dad, and was staring out over a cliff during sunrise. Was he deciding to jump? Was he deciding to shack up with Aunt Hottie? Was he also wondering whether Chuck Logan died? Who knows? Will we get answers today? Doubtful. But who cares. The Jack Attack is Back, umm..Jack.

2. It's been HOW LONG? Okay, let's see here, since we last saw Jack in May 2007, I have changed jobs; Philadelphia has won a championship; the United States has elected an African-American President; I have moved to my fly new industrial-style loft apartment where I live alone with my imaginary dog Loki; my real dog, Penny, has moved on from this mortal coil; the economy has collapsed; Four of the Final Five Cylons have been exposed and the RTF has found a very charred Earth (spoiler!); I still have no girlfriend (but have beaten both Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed on the XBOX 360); Taylor has returned from war and set up shop in Cincy; Kup's bought a house; Uram is engaged; and the Tomatoes are still awesome (Nat's still a doll and Jerry's still a dick). Yup, that pretty much covers everything.

3. WE'RE LIVE! from my previously mentioned fly new digs- affectionately called "Ice Station Zebra 2.0" by no one other than myself. I voted for Obama, so I won't be invited back to Casa Tomato until January. Instead, I'm here with Aussome Paul and Kelly the Ballerina. Paul is from Australia, but he loves Jack Bauer despite his hawkish conservative politics and pro-Bush agenda. Kelly has never seen Die Hard, 24, A Few Good Men, Star Trek II, or pretty much anything else that's awesome. She's young. We're working on it. I just exposed her to Airwolf on the local Retro station. Airwolf totally just fought an Evil Mega Helicopter of DOOM, and Stringfellow Hawk overcame 'Nam flashbacks to blow it all to hell while the Coolest Theme Music of All-Time blared out over my 62" TV. Proof positive that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

4. Oh, this is a 24 blog. With the formalities out of the way, let's get to the ACTION. The movie starts without the usual "The following takes place..." intro. However, FOX warned us that "Viewer Discretion is Advised," so I'm pretty psyched. Didn't realize how much I missed this show until this very second. And here's our bad- an Evil African warlord who's feeding impressed child warriors hypnotic Hug Jugs and encouraging them to "Kill the Cock-a-Roaches" infesting their fair country. This guy is officially a better villain than anyone from last season, even Fyad. I'm blanking on a nickname. We'll call him the Exterminator, even though he kind of looks like Winston from the Ghostbusters.

5. That's gonna be one hell of a mess. Methinks a 9-year old brandishing a machete is not the most efficient way to execute someone. Does this make the Exterminator incompetent or more badass? I'm going with badass. Aha! The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 PM and 5:00 PM. Events occur in real time. Goosebumps, anybody else?

6. Watch out for Cougars in town! (I had to get the obligatory Cougar joke out of the way toot suite). Meet Willie and Desmond of the Okavango School. Despite Willie's insistence that "Mr. Benton" doesn't like it when they run into town alone, Desmond, aka, "KIM" goes to play some "football," aka, soccer. This should end well. Rules-guy Willie stays at the school.

7. Jack Sack is Back, umm, Jack! Honestly, I love that we get to see the Jack Sack before we get to see Jack. Willie, that thieving bastard, goes rooting where he doesn't belong. Jack catches him, and it's exposition time-- Jack's been wandering around the world for like, a year or so, since we last saw him at the Raines's estate. He stopped in India where he picked up the Sarong Plot Device to give to Kim, proving that even half a world away, she will eventually frak him over. He gives Willie the Sarong Plot Device in exchange for the sweet knife that Wilie pocketed. You see, Jack's not going home.

8. Subliminal costuming. Frank the Douche from the Embassy has a subpoena for Jack to testify in front of the Senate about some questionable tactics he used as the recently disbanded CTU. We know Frank's a douche because he's been conveniently outfitted with the dumbest sideburns in history and wears really stupid glasses. Jack tells him to pound salt. Frank leaves the subpoena with Mr. Bennett, whom Jack apparently knows from his special forces days. Why Jack was serving in the Army with a dude with a UK accent is beyond even my overactive imagination's ability to comprehend.

9. Natty Tomato is swooning. Sure, I love Jack's pretty-cool beard. I guarantee you that Natty is swooning over Kiefer's prison-hardened pecs in that shirt.

10. Good Morning, Mr. Phelps. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. John Voight! God my dad hates that guy. Looks like our Domestic Big Bad is following the 24 Tradition of pulling rotting actor carcasses off the scrap heap and making them players in the world of TV. The tradition starts with Keifer, takes us to Dennis Hopper, through Peter Weller and James Cromwell, and now to Mr. Voight. It's the ol' 24 Juvenation Machine, and I'm totally down with this casting. Voight is a deliciously evil @$hole. Hope he sticks around.

11. Well Hello to You.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Carly Pope.

You're Welcome.

24 never fails to deliver us hotties. She is somebody who is apparently important's g/f. Character name is apparently "Samantha Roth." Whatever. Holy Wow, was she bringin' it in that ensemble.

12. It's Mr. Benton if You're Nasty. So Carl Benton. I know this guy from somewhere, right? He sure looks familiar. But his IMDB just lists a bunch of kinda-shitty movies like 28 Weeks Later and Eragon. He was in Trainspotting, but I've never seen that. (WOAH! Correction- just found it. He was Renard, the Bond Villain that cannot feel pain from "The World is Not Enough." One of my all-time favorite Bond Villains. That's where I know him.) Regardless, this guy and Jack are obviously very close, and very awesome together. Notably, Jack throws the first "Dammit" his way after he inadvertently insults him. Seems like Carl's "Redemption" is the school. But what is Jack's? Where will Jack find peace? CAN Jack find peace? These are questions we are meant to ponder, but we know the answer already- Jack finds peace by offing terrorists and saving the U-S-of-motherfrakkin'-A. Let's start shooting things, friends, shall we?

13. Dumb and Dumber. Okay, so some junkie/techie (a 24 staple) has been instructed to destroy all of John Voight's files. These files show that Mr. Phelps has been responsible for re-arming the rebels/insurgents/freedom-fighters/evil people that are being led by The Exterminator. Apparently they're armed and ready to start a coup. So Dumb calls up Ms. Pope's b/f, who we shall call "Dumber" and they start discussing how Dumb is all nervous and blah blah blah. Pope is HOT. This storyline already has me bored. Kids- it's a TWO HOUR MOVIE. Let's KILL BAD GUYS.

14. Product Placement! Another 24 tradition, and probably the only reason we're 20+ minutes in without a commercial (or as Paul calls them, much to everyone's confusion, an "ad"). I can deal. Overall, we get blatant shout-outs to Hyundai, Cisco, Sprint, Nextel, and others. I was convinced that Dumb's Hyundai was gonna go ka-blooey, but I suppose that would have been the worst product placement ever. Wish I was re-capping awesome show stuff right now? Me too. When it happens, I'll get right to it.

15. Oh! Ahhhhhhh! I get it! Dumber is the new President's son. He is the First Stud or something. Let's meet the new Prez, shall we- wah? Wait. It's...it's a girl? Man, somebody backed the wrong Democrat? Am I right? This is President Taylor, played by (apparently) Tony-Award Winning Actress Cherry Jones. I've got not problem with an idealistic woman President in the 24 Universe. Sadly, this means the end of the President Palpatine Administration. If you'll recall Powers Boothe really started to bring the ruckus at the end of Day Six, and though he was kind of evil, he got nicer.

16. Yanosh! Peter MacNihol, the hands-down MVP of Day Six stops in to inform President-Elect Taylor that, just hours before her inauguration, the aforementioned Jim Phelps bankrolled coup is going to take place, and that President Palpatine is cutting and/or running from the US Embassy there come 5pm that day. The name of our Fictitious African Nation in Turmoil is "Sengala." Good to know. The PM of Sengala, whom Pres. Palpatine informs is SOL when it comes to American help is none other than the Guy With the Machete that Bond Kills in the Stairwell from Casino Royale. You love that I point these things out to you, don't you? Man, I'm gonna miss Yanosh.

17. Interesting Political Twist. Basically, Senagala = Darfur. As President Palpatine points out to us- we can't go in there because of the way we've acted elsewhere in the globe. Thus, we'll be turning a blind-eye to this particular genocide. P-E Taylor is shocked and awed and unhappy with the decision, yet painted as the morally correct player in this argument. It's an interesting position for this show to take. I offer no further comment.

18. EXCHANGE OF THE DAY (re: dealing with Sengala)-
Prez. Palpatine: I appreciate your idealism.
P-E Taylor: I'm sorry I can't say the same for your cynicism.
Prez. Palpatine: Let's talk when you've been in my chair for a while.

SLAM! I will miss the hell out of Powers Boothe on this show, and I hope inklings that he's involved in The Big Bad Plot of Day Seven prove true, so that we get a lot more of this guy, and hopefully Yanosh.

19. Cue the Cliche Chanting Music. Surely enough, Kim's ill-advised soccer game is broken up by The Exterminator's brother, who has come to round up more children for their army. Though Kim and a companion make a break for it, they are seemingly gunned down by The Dumbest Henchman in History. Seriously, in a mistake so blatant that he's even derided for it by Exterminator's Brother, this guy shoots the two kids they're trying to capture so they can add them to their Army. Where'd he go to Henchman School?

20. Tender goodbye with Willie. First of all, Jack's Jacket is made of win. Now that I've chimed in on that, I'd also like to add that Jack is great with kids and mentally disabled. How Kim ended up so wrong must purely be Teri Bauer's fault, giving us another in a long-line of reasons to hate her. Anyway, Jack's leaving, and Willie has to stay behind to protect the children or some whatever. Nice moment.

21. Excalibur. Carl calls up Jack to inform him that he's found Kim's bullet-ridden body, and that the Exterminator's men are headed to the school. Jack vows to defend them at all costs. Jack being given a cell phone is like Luke Skywalker catching his new lightsabre, The Terminator putting on sunglasses, and "The Wizard" picking up the Nintendo Powerglove all in one. There's an asswhuppin' coming. You know it. He knows it. The world knows it. And it's gonna be awesome.

22. AWW SNAP! Jack to the Froggy UN Pantywaist, "Save your helmet for the parade, they ARE coming...Why don't you go hide in the shelter with the other children?" As an aside- Taylor says that UN workers are just like this guy. Oh- welcome Taylor! I hope you dig 24. You've just taken the first steps into a much larger world.

23. On two Jeeps? Really, this should be easy as eatin' pancakes for Jack.

24. Jack Bauer Terrorist...err..Evil Bad Guy Shoot 'em Up Counting Game! It's time for everyone's favorite game show! Count with me! One! One-a-dead bad guy (via pistol). Two! Two-a-dead bad guys ah-ha-ah-ha (pistol)! Three! Three -a-dead-a-bad-guys ha-ha (pistol) FOUR! Four-a-dead-a-bad-guys! ha-ah-ha! (knife!)...uh oh. Jack has a Machine Gun, now. Add two more dead bad guys via machine gun and another via grenade to the bad guy's crotch. Jack just killed SEVEN evil ...woah. He just effed up TWO more with knifes and karate-Jack-fu before he was finally knocked out by a machine gun to the head. I have waited 18 months for that. It was beautiful.

25. If you're scoring at home:

(click me)

Sorry about the resolution there. So Paul and I discussed it, and we think it goes: Bourne > Bauer > Bond (Daniel Craig, the rest are bollocks) > Ethan Hunt > Our Man Flint > Matt Helm > Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Feel free to discuss/ add in secret agents where you like. Let's get down to brass tacks- I love Jack Bauer. Certainly more than I like Jason Bourne. However, Jason Bourne is basically the answer to the question, "What if you took Jack Bauer and brainwashed him into a relentless, remorseless Mega-Assassin?" There you go. For the record, the Winter Soldier would tool them all.

26. You Have No Idea Who You're Dealing With. Like there is anything that The Exterminator's Brother can do to Jack that would ever get him to talk. Does "two years as a prisoner of the Chinese" mean anything to you?

27. Jack Bauer: better actor or dancer, you decide. Jack starts crying and "gives up" the location of the kids, springing the trap for Carl to kill them all. As gunfire sounds the alarm to brother of the Exterminator, he meets an ignominious end when Jack BREAKS HIS NECK WITH HIS LEGS. He may have used this move on Fayed. I can't remember. Regardless, this is the coolest Jack-kill since he tore that dude's throat out with his teeth. Body count: 8. This may be more people than Jack killed all of Day Six. How I have missed this show.

28. BEHOLD THE BIG BAD! Well well well. The Exterminator is the not the Big Bad after all, he is merely Lt. Exterminator. The Big Bad is none other than that Evil Mercenary Dude from The Rock. You know, the one that "hates that soft-@$$ $hit," The Rocketman? Word has it he was also the Candyman, but I don't watch horror movies (ask me about not sleeping for three days after watching the new/lame Amityville Horror), so I'm calling him General Rocketman. The coup is really his (though Jim Phelps paid for it).

29. President Taylor's Shoes Suck. So says Kelly the Ballerina. This is why I keep girls around. To give you hard-hitting intel like that. Moving on.

30. It was me Austin! it was ME ALL ALONG! President Palpatine, in order:
1) pours himself a drink at like, 11 am;
2) insists that Pres. Taylor refers to him as Mr. President;
3) insinuates that he only lost the election because his heart wasn't in it.

And right there, he has heel turned. He is so deliciously evil, I cannot describe it. I'm not buying President Taylor standing toe-to-toe with him, though. She lacks gravitas.

31. Things I wish were in this episode instead of the continuing misadventures of Dumb and Dumber:

1) Bill Buchanan (oh HELL YEAH);
2) Yanosh!
3) Brady, the Very "special" brother to that bad guy from last year's worst moment;
4) Charles Logan;
5) Does Eyes;
6) Carly Pope still in lingerie;
7) Aaron Pierce;
8) Crazy-go-nuts Audrey blabbering about China;
9) Chloe &/or Morris;
10) Ricky Schroeder's Missing Eye;
11) The rotting corpses of Blackjack and Middle Management Milo; and
12) Teri Bauer.

Yes. I hate this storyline this much already.

32. Uh. oh.

Carl tells Jack to follow the river to freedom, for he and the children should be safe from The Exterminator's advances. He is so dead. Sucks, cuz he's kinda awesome.

33. I never saw the ending, but...this whole "movie" is basically Jack Bauer IN Tears of the Sun, right?

34. Cue the Sarong Plot Device. You forgot about it, too, didn't you? Well, Willie somehow had the Sarong Plot Device sneak out of his luggage and onto a bush that was conveniently growing next to a mine field. Let's ignore, for just a second, the fact that the entire refugee group JUST WALKED PAST THAT BUSH and NONE OF THEM TRIPPED ANY MINES, and instead focus on... no. Wait. Nothing else to focus on. That was contrived and stupid, and I'm not letting 24 get away with that crap this year.

35. Rusty. Okay, my bad. I forgot to explain what's going on. Carl called Frank the Douche at the Embassy, who established that he won't let anyone into the embassy to escape with the last Marine choppers unless they've got American citizenship or appropriate paperwork. He won't even let you in if you promise him "anything," and you're a kind of hot local. Frank is a DOUCHE. He is a bastion for bureaucracy. Gleefully, Carl has paperwork for all of the kids, and after spouting the second "Dammit" of the movie to Frank, he and Jack set out to get the kids to the Embassy. Hot on the trail, having been informed by the Froggy UN Pantywaist that Jack killed his brother, is The Exterminator and his cronies. We can see where this is headed, right? Jack has to get back to the US somehow. Jack always wins-- at a price. Carl is so dead, and Jack's going to have to sacrifice himself to save the kids. Let's see how it plays out!

36. I should be writing in Hollywood. Sure enough, Willie loses the Sarong Plot Device OF DOOM, and as Carl saves him from the minefield, he steps on a spring-loaded old school Russian charge. THERE'S NO TIME to save Carl, so he sends Jack ahead with the papers while Carl decides to try to take a couple coupsters with him. There's a ton of great acting here. Fantastic scene, and in ninety short minutes, Carl Benton has joined the Pantheon with George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, David Palmer, Tony Almeida, Blackjack, and Doe Eyes. You will be missed.

37. Oh yeah. In case I wasn't clear, Carl dies off screen when the mine explodes. However, he slyly pulls The Exterminator and three or four henchmen within range of the blast before it goes off. Champion. That was a good death, although it's unclear whether The Exterminator died. Carl also said that the blast would probably only take off his leg, so maybe he's alive (and with ZTA coming to haunt our dreams, you never know). That would kind of be awesome. And yes, this was a blatant attempt to stretch one thing into two, because 48 is a hell of a lot. In fact I can't believe you're still reading. I thank you.

39. Neither here nor there. But if anyone can point me to one of those Obama-HOPE-style pictures of Jack that just says BAUER or JACK on it, I will give you fifty bucks. I need to either get one of those, or figure out how to make one myself. That would be as rad as the Luke Skywalker "A NEW HOPE" one, the Heath Ledger "JOKE" one, or the Dr. Doom "DOOM" one.

40. Truly great. When Jack here's the bomb go off, signifying Carl's death, he has a moment of total devastation. Everyone he cares about dies. How Jack has just not killed himself at this point is beyond me. Why anyone would keep going after all he's lost.... I mean, it used to be Audrey. What is it now? At the very least, you'd think he'd be hunting the world to get to Cheng (who escaped last year, right?), but now, what's he living for? Please address this in Day Seven. Please.

41. The Gauntlet! Jack and the boys have to make their way through the streets to get to the Embassy, and THERE'S NO TIME!!! In a cool moment, Jack notices an oncoming assailant, and shoots him the second he moves for his weapon. Awesome. Jack then dispatches of three more coupsters before getting to the Embassy gates.

42. AT LEAST kneecap him! Right after Jack takes out the last coupster, he turns right into the sights of the "Kill the Cocak-a-roaches" machete kid from the beginning, who has now upgraded to a machine gun. Jack talks him down and the kid runs away. I humbly disagree with this process, for I believe that the old Jack would not have let anything get in his way, not even a 9 old with an AK-47. Great, dramatic moment though.

43. BUREAUCRATIC CLIMAX! After all that, Jack's mission's success comes down to him convincing Frank the Douche that the papers are legit, and that the kids need to make the last helicopter out of town. He does, but as usual, it comes at a price- Jack must turn himself in (as the kids' "American citizen sponsor") and head back to DC to testify. If you didn't see this coming, you're an idiot. Also, I told you it was going to happen a few minutes ago. Oddly enough, despite the fact that the ending was telegraphed a 1000 miles away, it didn't detract from the ending, which was rather tense and awfully good. It is probably to Frank the Douche's credit that I had no faith in him letting the kids in, especially when he took Jack first and didn't open the gate. Good stuff.

44. 48 is a LOT of things. Seriously, I'm running out of stuff to talk about here. Oh! How about how Dumb was cornered in his apartment by some Very Bad Men, who are seemingly in bed with Jim Phelps. On top of that, Jim Phelps Very Bad Right Hand Man is none other than the First Stud's chauffeur. Since Dumb told Stud some sketchy stuff, this makes him a potential target for Jim Phelps. Cool with me. The over/under on when we find out that his Hot G/F, Ms. Pope is EVIL is Hour 7. Betting opens on December 1, 2008.

45. Almost there. Al-most th-ere. It's been 18 months, so I've had to find some new stuff to watch. Besides the normal awesome Discovery Channel shows, like Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch, I've come to adore three shows. Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Sadly, Daisies and DSM have now been canceled. Screw all of you for not watching. They are truly great. As for Terminator- it's going to run a full second season, but will be moved away from a PRIME spot for it (leading into 24) over to Friday nights, which is a death sentence. I implore you to start watching Terminator. It's really rather good, and it keeps getting better and better. The plot is intricate, the characters are fantastic, and the action is top-notch. I will give you my copy of Season 1 RIGHT NOW if you like. Help me save this show, it fills my BSG appetite.

46. A New Presidency. Taylor takes the Oval Office. During her inauguration speech..she...she..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, but President Taylor lacks charisma. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, but I think that if you're going to make us believe that she beat President Palpatine in an election, then she needs to be a little bit more of a pitbull, and a little bit less of an "Oh my son, you are so cute you! thanks for being on time." She's too smiley, too. Somehow, I think that her smile will be tested very soon. I'm looking forward to it.

47. Dumb = Dead. He was such a stupid character that he doesn't even deserve a "DEAD" picture. That would be an insult to Carl. Let's skip to the end and wrap this bad boy up, eh? It's only taken me 2 1/2 hours to write...

48. Silent Clock. Could it end any other way, really? So what do we have here-- another Pyhrric victory for Jack which very nicely sets up the new season and satiated my Jack Bauer Power Hour appetite. I am happy. It wasn't the best two hours of 24 ever, but it gives me faith that an eventual movie could do gangbusters. The extra-long season promo at the end got me very amped for Day Seven, which moves us to DC (Jack walking among marble pillars is the Most American Thing since John Wayne ate an apple pie while playing baseball against the USSR hockey team). Throughout the promo I noticed TONS of awesome people including (I think) Bill Buchanan! Chloe! Voight! Cicero from Gladiator! And ZTA! (btw- why give that away? what a great surprise ruined by the promos) January 11, 2009 can't get here fast enough.

Final Verdict: 4 out of 5 Shooting Christopher Hendersons. In two hours, my faith in the franchise was restored and my love for Jack Bauer was re-ignited. I cannot wait for the new season, which looks to continue the story of General Rocketman and the battle for Sengala much more than I expected. That's pretty much all this movie set out to accomplish, and it did so. I just hope that Frank the Douche gets punched at some point...or that someday we get a little Zombie Carl Benton. Oh, and I hope that Jack finds a little peace somewhere. But not until after about 100 more terrorists/coupsters/badguys feel Final American Justice- Bauer style.

be good to each other.
-apk

4.11.2007

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.

4.10.2007

just when i think i'm out, they pull me back in.

4.02.2007

Pinch Hitter: 1 Thing About Day Six (8:00 PM -- 9:00 PM)

Instead of trudging through my angry notes and trying to come up with 24 Things About the Worst Hour in the History of the Show, I've decided to forego such foolishness and link you to THIS ARTICLE from USA Today which so perfectly captures my feelings right now.

Maybe we can do better tonight, but I doubt it. I'll be taping the show, in most likelihood, because it's Opening Day, which is basically a Holy Day for me.

In the meantime, chew on a couple of these things re: Day Six:

1) Who cares about Denver?
2) IS LOGAN ALIVE OR WHAT?
3) How long until Audrey comes back?
4) Think Jerkass Phil's going to return?
5) Remember when Fayed was absolutely hardcore? Now he's a bickering simp.
6) Gredenko is the worst villain in the history of televison. I'd rather Jack go up against Boris & Natasha. At least Boris's Russian accent was convincing.
7) BRADY!
8) No, seriously, BRADY!
9) Okay, really. I'll admit it. As absolutely stupid the Brady plot was, I actually did care whether he took a bullet last week.
10) Milo and Nadia wish they were Tony and Michelle. That came off as nothing more than "Nadia's hot, I should totally kiss her".
11) Dear Bill Buchanan, please say, "Mike Doyle, I know Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no Jack Bauer."
12) Ugh.

keep your fingers crossed that tonight is better.

-apk

3.30.2007

Random Thought Thing--

waitasecond...

have we ever established whether Logan's dead?

Didn't think so.

In other news: I've not completed 24 things for this week, i know. I can't decide whether to tear this last hour asunder, or simply pretend that it never happend. Vote in the comments.

And pray for Chaz.

-apk

3.26.2007

Cougar Thing: Snap Judgments and KMART!

Be ready for about 100 Tom "Brady" jokes. ...I'm just warning you.

Anyway, seriously? This is what we've come to? An hour of Yanosh holding his head in horror as Palpatine orders nuclear strikes for no reason, Karen Hayes and Mrs. Tidwell try to awake the dormant Commander-in-Chief Superiority of Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque, and Jack saves the day with Rain Man.

I'm just going to say it.

"What the hell happened to 24?"

...frak it, I'm going to re-watch the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. Or Wapner.

Yeah, definitely Wapner.

3.19.2007

24 TADS (7:00 PM -- 8:00 PM)

Edit: Blogger issues kept the pretty pictures from loading. I added them 'bout noon today. They original Audrey ones were better. Everything else is the same. Don't worry though, you'll get two Audrey pictures a week from me from here on out. (Promise, or threat? who knows)

Wow. It's been a while, huh? What can I say, other than I'm sorry. It's okay, though-- i got drastic tonight, and will likely be posting 24 things about TONIGHT and LAST WEEK. Without further ado, I give you 24 (or more) Things I Think I Thought I Thought About Day Six while bringing to you A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIVEBLOG! Woot!

8:59 (time is EDT) -- Well, the Pens and Rangers are tied at 0 and headed to the 3d. And the Pens are playing for first place in the division. To be honest, you’re lucky I’m here for you, friends. If I click back and miss something…sorry. I don’t have TiVO. Let’s get it on! I’m LIVE from my bedroom and I’m hoping that this hour’s not as boring as the last. Frankly, the previews look promising as all hell…wait, what’s that Jack, “You should’ve told me about Audrey, Bill”. OH GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND WHY DIDN'T BILL TELL ME!!! WHY THE BETRAYAL??!?!?

I officially can’t think of anything until I find out what’s happened to the love of my life.. Umm. Be prepared for short, pithy answers this week. (at least that means I’ll maybe post it tonight…)

9:02 Are we that far along already? It’s dark? It’s dark and Jack has internal bleeding. And SilverJack has taken this “out of your hands, Jack”. Jerkass. He’ll regret that decision mighty soon. Anyway, Jack—GO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY! And, umm, Logan, too. Anyone remember him? Did i miss a week or something? Didn't the last episode end with Logan dying in an ambulance?

9:03 Geek alert—the RQ-2 is out there! It’s a STEALTH DRONE! A SUPER SMART DROID. It’s the love child of R2-D2 and Q from Star Trek. I am a nerd.

9:04 The showdown between Bearded Bad and Bald Bad just underscores how helter skelter Bearded is, and how supremely badass Bald is. The focus on Gredenko the last six weeks has clearly hurt the hell out this season’s momentum. He looks like he’s nuts.

9:05 It’s away! Artoo’s in the air, Hotness is trying to reposition the satellietes, MMM makes his move! Chloe catches MMM macking on Hotness, and now the jig is up! Hotness is a felon, but Chloe’s not going to report them. Chloe: team player. Yawn. More pointless CTU drama. GO FIND THE GODDAMN DRONE.

9::08 The drone is gone! Tech Terrorist is linked with the CTU satellites. He made the drone disappear. It was a really great idea to give Fayed access to the satellite grid back when the Day began, huh? 2.0 sucks as a president.

9:09 Meanwhile, in DC, up is down, left is right, and VP Palpatine is going to nuke Nameless Unaffiliated Mideast Country (NUMC), Yanosh is the flippin’ voice of reason, and Lisa is still hot. Like, hot hot. She’s now “Hot Lisa”. And it’s superdramatic commercial break time. As cool as the “Under Pressure” Gatorade commercial is, I wonder, what are the Pens up to?

9:12 Dammit. 1-0 Rangers., 13 minutes left. I hate you, Marc.

9:13 American Idol sucks this year. Blake Lewis has won me over, though. And we’re back! Being that LA survived the commercial break, it’s not a target. Current potential target candidates include SF (4:1), Phoenix (3:1) and Vegas (1:2). Think about it-- if you're a Muslim extremist, why not hit Vegas? It's filled with sinful tourist Americans from all over the country. With one hit, you effect as many sinful Christians from as many different parts of the country as possible. That's how you spread terror. (Note: I umm..don't support terrorism. And i don't think gambling's a sin. I'm just saying that's where I think Fayed would want to take out).

9:15 Jack’s chillin with Aunt Hottie, she’s going to tell him about Audrey (according to the preview). “I always regretted things didn’t work out between us” And..DENIED! Jack balks—he will not kiss you, Aunt Hottie, not because he killed your husband, his brother, but BECAUSE HE LOVES AUDREY. (damn straight!)

9:16 My heart stops with “you don’t know, do you”

9:17 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Died in China while trying to save Jack.

This concludes our live blog.

...

..

.

9:22 Okay, I just ignored all of that DC “let’s nuke the bastards” stuff, and pulled myself together. For you. For all of you. Thank me later.

::sniff::

oh, yeah, Karen Hayes is back now. She’s still old lady cute. But whatever. Oh- Keifer acted his ass off when he learned about Audrey. Phenomenal.

9:26 Haha! Thank you for levity, writers. Chloe kissed Morris to “check his breath” for Milo, then straight up informed him that she was “just checking your breath” afterwards. Classic moment. Really cute. I miss Audrey.

9:28 Yanosh and Karen exchanged pleasantries four minutes ago. Now they are bitching at each other. Yanosh, “You’d better pray that CTU can find and stop that drone” Good grief, can we please focus on the ATTEMPT TO STOP THE DRONE. Thanks.

9:29. “We have a leak”. Whoever had “Hour 14” in the Mole Pool wins. You can collect at the front door. You can still get in on the ground floor for the Mole’s Identity Pool, candidates include: Hotness, MMM, SilverJack, Morris. SilverJack’s goin’ straight after Hotness, MMM kindly disagrees. Ricky gets the burn of the year with, “Is this assessment based on some private knowledge, or is it because you’re itchin’ to sleep with her.” SilverJack RULES. Chloe spends 7 seconds on the computer and realizes that Hotness is, in fact, the alleged mole. SilverJack goes all Bauer on her, but Bill makes him relent. Hotness pleads her innocence as she’s carted off and MMM watches. Obviously, Milo gave Nadia access to his computer to frame her. Never trust someone with a goatee.

9:34 Claire Daines has some dancin’ legs. Girl is jacked in a hot way. Trust me, Claires with dancer legs are fantastic.

9:37 Karen visits the still-in-a-coma Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque. She wants him to be awoken, but only his siter, Sherri 2.0, can provide clearance to risk his life like that. Clearly, she will, because she’s a hippie and she’ll want to avoid the nuclear retaliation against NUMC.

9:40 Ricky’s interrogating Nadia, BY GRABBING HER THROAT. He’s absolutely. hard. core. But in a farm more prickish way than Jack. Now, MMM’s to the rescue. Oh, yeah, Morris back-traced the signal and the Tech Terrorist is three blocks away. Also, I think Nadia and MMM just broke up, because his silence admitted that he doesn't believe in her innocence.

Needs anger management, hug.

9:41 A taped up Jack reads The Love of My Life's File. There are pictures of a (partially covered) body. I still refuse to believe any of this. She is not dead. No. Frakking. Way.

seriously? no way is she gone. no way.

9:42 Jack’s body is a MESS. Just cuts and gore everywhere. I like how they wrapped him up in bandages so that they didn't have to blow the whole budget on body makeup. Good thing he’s suited up and ready to kick some ass now. He’s headed out with SilverJack and the rest of the team.

9:44 YES! Jack’s reason to live: Vengeance. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m pretty sure he just told Bill, “Audrey died trying to get me out of prison, because she thought I was worth it. I’m not letting her down. I’m finishing this. And when I’m done, tell the Chinese that I’m comin’…AND HELL’S COMIN’ WITH ME!!!!”

'Nuff said!

9:45 dammit. Pens lose 2-1. We blow a chance to catch Jersey. There’s still time though.

9:50 They made hotness not hot real quick. Oh- I almost forgot, the target’s San Francisco. This is all an elaborate plot to keep Barry Bonds from breaking Hank Aaron’s record. Think about it, he’s the only person universally loathed enough to bring terrorists and Russian nationals together in harmony.

Really... i'm kinda with the terrorists on this one.

9:52 Jack leads the Tact Team in. Umm, SilverJack—just watch your throat. Let’s play the Jack Bauer Vengeance Body Counting Game: ONE! Dead terrorist ahaha. Two! Two-a dead-a-terorists ahaha! Three! Three-ah-dead-aterrorists, ahaha! (Techie was the last to go).

Jack had all three kills. The first two were, in a word: surgical. I think we can officially consider him FINALLY BACK.

9:54 There’s no way to disarm the bomb! The bomb automatically detonates in 30 seconds! Jack can’t turn the drone too quickly! The graphics look like flight simulator 1995! Jack’s the greatest video game pilot in the world! The drone’s needs 500 feet of runway to land and….SHE’S DOWN! She’s crashing! She'’…………………………on fire! She’s………..not blowing up!!!!! We win! Bite me, Gredenko/Fayed! Score one for democracy!

Uram and I discussed this later, and it's clear that Jack Bauer is the Greatest Video Game Player in the History of the World. In fact, it's not well known, but the Fred Savage classic The Wizard was based on his life. Other Jack Bauer video game facts include:

He beat Contra without using the code. Without dying.
He beat Mario 3 without using any warp whistles. In 20 minutes.
He plays MarioKart blindfolded, and has never lost a race.
He is the only person in the history of ever to successfully shoot the Duck Hunt dog.

9:56 Recount: Techie’s still alive. Jack gets to do some interrogating. Uh oh…as the first responders arrive on the crash site, is anyone else waiting for this nuke to go off? Oooh..maybe it's worse. There's radiation leaking everywhere.

9:59 Tension is freakin’ high. I'm still waiting for Artoo to detonate. Crap, we’ve got a “dirty bomb” radiation leak and Palpatine’s looking for any excuse to strike. Civilian deaths and environmental damage will be “untold” even Yanosh no longer agrees with a warning shot. Palpatine’s ordering it anyway. We’re an hour away from a counterstrike.

10:00 "The order isgiven. Launch the missiles as soon as [the subs] are in range."

Now that’s an hour! Great, great stuff there! If Audrey were alive (GUARANTEED THAT SHE IS) and the Pens hadn’t lost, I’d be mega-psyched right now.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed the live blog. I’ll admit, it was kind of fun to type it up while watching. Perhaps I should invest in a laptop….

See yinz next week.

-apk

24 TADS (6:00 PM -- 7:00PM)

Note: I orginally wrote this on 3/15. I was totally going to finish it, too..but..well, you'll see. Bon appetite.

Well, Los Penguinos make me extremely happy. In light of the excitement generated by a 3-0 shutout of the hated Devils, in New Jersey, by our backup goaltender, where Jarkko Ruutu had two points, I have decided to forego Casino Royale in lieu of writing for all of you. In the words of Xerxes, “I am kind”.

On with the show! Err…24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while visions of green beers jigged in my head.

1. Location, Location, Location. We’re LIVE from my bedroom, which means there are no Tomatoes to crack jokes with, and I’m experiencing the Jack Bauer Power Hour in all the glory of a 19” RCA that I bought off the floor in Wal*Mart back in 2001. Meanwhile, my roommate’s watching whatever certified crap is playing on MTV right now, downstairs, on my 62” HDTV. In other words, prepare for a pissy review.

Bite me, The Hills.

2. I want ANSWERS!!! During the recap, I’m left to ponder, again, the eternal question: “Why didn’t Jack just leave the Consulate through the window?” I think the correct answer is a toss-up between “bulletproof glass protects from snipers” and “dramatic reasons”. Eh.

3. Great Line #15. Chloe to Chuck, “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent, I’m gonna go.” Generally, the whole “Chuck goes to CTU” scene was pretty cool, and it was augmented nicely by more cool chimey music. The music this season’s been stellar, by the way.

4. SilverJack. Holy crap, does Ricky Schroeder look old. Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Mike Doyle” BlackJack’s replacement and new Resident CTU Hardass. For the moment, I’m going to ignore the rumors that the Rickster’s being groomed to become Keifer’s torchbearer, and instead read from Mr. Doyle’s CTU Personnel file:

Doyle, raised by a single father who was an owner of a multinational toy company empire, grew up in a mansion stocked with arcade video games, a scale model freight train that ran throughout the house, and countless other amenities. Raised in the lap of luxury, his world fell apart after scandal rocked his father, an overgrown manchild himself, and his second wife, the luscious Erin Gray. After a 60 Minutes expose revealed that Eddie Toys were built in sweatshops throughout Indonesia, Gray filed for divorce and successfully took the vast majority of Doyle’s father’s assets. Shortly thereafter, Doyle became a hardcore freebase heroin addict. That is, until a run in with Columbian drug runners resulted in the paralysis of his long time friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman) and the death of his best friend, Alfonso Spears (Alfonso Ribeiro). Following this tragic incident, Doyle’s life worsened before it became better, as noted porn magnate Freddy Lippencottleman helped Doyle “greive” through a life of utter debauchery. It wasn’t until Doyle reconnected with his father that he cleaned up his life and joined the New York City Police Department. After three years of wearing the NYPD Blues, Doyle joined CTU and has become one of its rising stars. His record is noted for multiple citations of merit. However, his love of trains, Buck Rodgers reruns, and silver spoons shows a disconcerting inability to relinquish his sketchy past. As such, he is known to experience sudden outbursts of violence, especially against British people that remind him of his grandfather.

Morris had better watch out.

Happier times.

5. INVASION! Holy Crap! Bill Buchanan’s gonna do it! We’re goin in after CCCP! Getting Jack back is secondary, but whatever—they’re gonna invade Russia!

6. Working for CTU is like going to Dickinson College. Everybody knows everyone, if you get my drift. I mean, really, was it entirely necessary to make Doyle and MMM long-time rivals? The only thing this season needs less than Sherri Palmer 2.0 is more frakkin’ CTU in-fighting. What’s next? A mole in CTU? (Edit: according to next week’s preview: Yup. …groan/yawn).

7. The Great Escape: Part Deux. Woah! Jack just used Aaronslav Pierkofsky’s BELT to snapmare the douchey Ruskie guard, steal his gun, and then AVENGE Aaronslav’s death. That was nearly as cool as when Jack ATE THE TERRORIST’S WINDPIPE. Remember? Way back in Hour 1 or 2, when Day Six was tremendous?

8. Can you hear me now? No? Crap. Well Jack got through to CTU just long enough to inform Morris that he knows where the nukes are. Though he ran out of anytime minutes before explaining the entire plan, Jack has been upgraded to Number 1 Priority. I like that little piece of writing, there, actually.

9. America’s Greatest Weapon: A Whacked Out Designing Woman. Follow the logic: Chuck needs to talk to Marty so she can talk to Mrs. Zubarov so she can tell Mr. Zubarov to let CTU invade Russian Soil because the deposed criminal mastermind Ex-POTUS, who tried to have the Zubarov’s killed during Day Five, says that CCCP is the one who’s responsible for the nukes in America. Got that? Great plan. I’m sure Zubarov will bite like nothing. Y’know—gotta trust Crazy Marty Logan. I’m actively pulling my hair out right now.

10. Is Mike Doyle gonna have to choke a bitch? That was refreshing. I’m with SilverJack, now. He just put all of CTU in its place. I don’t even care that he had to choke Morris to do it. Maybe now we can put to bed all of the incessant CTU in-fighting/whining plotlines, and get to some terrorbustin. I mean, really—A NUKE JUST WENT OFF IN AMERICA, I feel like everyone would be acting a little more seriously at this juncture. Especially Morris, who’s apparently not consumed with guilt enough to stop being a prick to everyone. Glad this all done. What? Milo’s starting crap with Doyle…for the second time in 20 minutes? Really. Sigh.

11. On second thought. MIKE DOYLE IS RICKY SCHROEDER!!! I can’t take him seriously as a badass. Why couldn’t they have picked someone more hard? Y’know, like one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). I could be making Lost Boys jokes right now! Speaking of which, an imdb search just revealed the Billy Wirth was “Dwayne the Human Slayer” in Lost Boys. I associate the name Billy Wirth with one thing only—The Greatest American Gladiators Contender of All Time. HERE he 1) starts a fight with mega-tool Gemini; 2) makes a sweet-ass diving score as time expires; and 3) makes millions of little white kids want to wear a doo-rag. A True Champion, if there ever was one.

What was I talking about, again? Oh, yeah- Ricky Schroeder’s got a long way to go to convince me that he can be a supreme Bauer-level badass.

12. Intermission. As we take a powder with the DC storyline, let’s recap the awesome setup we’ve got going here, if only so that I can bitch more later when there’s no payoff. 1) Jack’s on the run inside the consulate with only a gun and his wits. He doesn’t care if he lives, he just needs to make a phone call first. 2) Chuck has to convince Crazy Marty to convince the Russians to allow: 3) ALL OUT ASSAULT ON THE CONSULATE. This, my friends, is gonna get good.

13. Err...not. Screw it. This hour sucked. There should have been half an hour of Jack jumping Russian guardsmen like Batman and working his way out of the Consulate. Instead, he hid. And we spent a half hour reuniting Crazyass Marty and her live in paramour, the Awesome Aaron Pierce with Chuck. Unfortunately, Aaron has been totally emasculated by Crazyass Marty, who's SO CRAZY that she flipped her $#!+ and stabbed Chuck in the ...umm..rotator cuff. But, apparently, she almost totally nailed his artery. So the hour ends with Chuck flatlining on the way to the hospital. Does he die, tune in next week! Important things only happen as hours end!

What about Jack, you ask? Oh...well, he hacked and slashed his way out of the Consulate in true Leonidas/Bauertastic Style. Wha? No. he, umm, hid. AND WAITED FOR RICKY SCHROEDER TO SAVE HIM (after, of course, Crazyass Marty settled down and MADE THAT PHONE CALL). By the way, she convinced the Russian First Lady to convince the Russian President that CCCP was EVIL and that CTU should be allowed to invade Russian territory and kill Russian citizens in oh...about 2 minutes.

After all of this, Bearded Bad and Bald Bad launched a drone, anyway.

Bravo.

what a piece of crap super-boring hour.

I'm going to watch Casino Royale and bask in the glory of Daniel Craig and the pure and utter absolute beauty of Eva Green-- the only woman that could steal me away from Audrey.

You're on notice 24. Get cool again, toot suite!