24 Things About Day Six

1.15.2009

24TAD7 (08:00 -- 09:00)

Wow. So now I know what Sir Edmund Hillary was thinking when he stood at Base Camp and looked up at Everest’s peak. Later, he’d claim that he climbed the highest mountain “because it was there.” However, I’m quite certain he looked up at the snowy top of the world and thought, “Holy shit.”

And with that, I (finally) welcome you to the start of DAY SEVEN. Someone remind me to get a new banner graphic for the page, will ya? Anyway, over two nights, we got four hours of 100% not from concentrate straight-dope-kickass Jack Bauer actionosity. So good, that I’m making up words already. But I digress. Four hours means 96 Things to talk about. And away we go.

The following takes place between 8:00am and 9:00am. Events occur in real time. We’re LIVE! to tape from Ice Station Zebra 2.0 and we’re watching the show unfold in a state of post-San Diego Destruction bliss. YOUR cast of characters includes Yours Truly, Sprout, Mrs. Sprout, Swann, Sky, and Kelly the Ballerina. What a crew. Sadly, I lack HD. I’d take a shot at my cable company being not Comcastic at this point, but it has since fixed the problem, and granted me three months of free DVR for my troubles. So yeah, not angry anymore. Anyway, without further ado, 24 Things I Think I Thought About 24 While Finishing Off the Lucky Stillers Cake and Resuming Despising the Baltimore Ravens and thinking that Bromberg’s “Root for Pittsburgh” Fugazi Tendencies are Both Ridiculous and Pathetic.

NEW! Recap soundtrack this hour: Keane – “Perfect Symmetry,” Keane- “Under the Iron Sea,” (yes. These take so long that i've now rolled through two albums twice).

1. Paging Dr. Phlox, Dr. Phlox. Hey! It’s John Billingsley! Love that guy. In what will be a new (and time consuming) running item this season, I will now point out every “That Guy” on the show. We come right out of the gate with kookie character actor John Billingsley, best known (to me) as Dr. Phlox from Star Trek: Enterprise. You may also know him as the guy who has guest starred on just about every show ever, including Grey’s Anatomy, Prison Break, and the short-lived, oft-lamented The Nine. He’s driving along with his daughter and HOLY SH!T!! (moment #1) he has one of those Volkswagen commercial crashes! No, wait- he has TWO of them! THAT’S how you start a season. Up the Volkswagen crash ante!

2. Those eyes. Those spoilerific eyes. I wonder who has captured Phlox? Who is staring out under that foreboding ski mask? Who ever could it… aww- really. C’mon? Who didn’t know that it was Zombie Tony Almeida (spoiler!) right then? Anyway, let’s move on. That was a pretty effective opening salvo.

3. “Jack, bad things happen to you because you’re a dumbass.” Oh hells yeah! It’s Senator Red Foreman (Kurtwood Smith) playing the biggest pain in the ass Senator since Ortolan Finistirre. He has our Lord and Savior Col. Jack T. Bauer, Toughnuts, Esquire, testifying before a Committee to Spit on the Grave of CTU. Jack’s facing an indictment. I hope the hearing plays out something….like this.

4. Encylcopedia Twentyfourica. If you’re scoring at home, the “Ibrahim Haddad” mentioned during the testimony is the guy who…wait. Umm, he never actually did anything in any of the episodes. You mean after six seasons of Jack torturing people, they couldn’t even question him about something that we SAW? WHAT ABOUT THE GUY HE SHOT AND BEHEADED IN DAY TWO? WASN’T THAT a little HARSH? Sigh. Anyway, yeah, CTU’s been shut down. Did I mention that Day Seven’s taking place in the District?

5. OH NO HE DIDN’!!!! So Jack, was your treatment of Haddad a little over the top? “Probably.” (Rock!) What a speech by Jack: ''And please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions that I have made, because, sir, the truth is, I don't.'' SERVE! SERVE! SERVE! SERVE!

6. You really have no idea how this show works, do you, Red? Jack just got a “Get out of testifying free” card in the form of a subpoena to join the FBI to help with a “situation.” Here we meet Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching), who despite an uncanny resemblance, is not, in fact, “Jan” from The Office. She’s actually from General Hospital or something, I dunno. My gut tells me that she’s kind of hot. Let’s go to the tape:

Wer-schwing!

Decidedly WASPy redhead with green eyes? Dare I say it, she’s an Adam Girl™. Anyway, Senator Foreman tells Jack he has to come back tomorrow. Oops.

7. Me not like 24 not use CTU but use FBI instead. Since it’s not a season of 24 without some office in-fighting during a crisis, we get to meet BIZARRO CTU, featuring Janeane Garafolo as Janis Gold, AKA “Bizarro Chloe,” and Rhys Coiro as Sean Hillinger or “Bizarro Edgar.” Now, The Tomatoes have argued that Sean is closer to a Bizarro Milo than a Bizarro Edgar. However, when you look at the interplay between Janis and Sean, it’s much more like that of Edgar and Chloe, where they obviously like each other in a friendly sense, but are both totally socially inept. Yet, Janis is happy-go-lucky (“I’m a cheerful person”)—the opposite of Chloe and Sean is gruff and sarcastic—the opposite of Edgar’s pure-hearted dork. I think there’s a 60% chance that they just start recycling old Edgar/Chloe dialogue by the end of the season, but with the roles reversed. In short, it’s my blog: Janis is Bizarro Chloe and Sean is Bizarro Edgar. Try to keep up.

8. Stage Two of our dastardly plan: Fire a Diamond Lazerbeam FROM SPACE! The terrorists and their still *chuckle* unrevealed leader are toying around with Air Traffic Control. They are totally pulling a Die Hard 2 here. This organization is hardcore—it gets its ideas from whatever’s on Encore this month.

9. GASP! WHAT? Yup, TV’s worst-kept secret revealed! It’s ZOMBIE TONY ALMEIDA! (ZTA to his friends). He’s leading the terrorists! While 11 million people vacillate between thoughts of “AWESOME!” and “OH, COME ON!,” Agent Walker reminds Jack that Tony was whisked away mere moments after he “died” in Jack’s arms, only hours before Jack was captured by the Chinese. Also- his coffin had a different body. Notably, he has returned with a boss short-haircut and a goatee, which means that he’s EVIL. Jack is unconvinced.

Also allow me to be the 1,345,594^th person on the web to point out that ZTA never received a Silent Clock after he died. So technically he wasn’t dead. Whatever. Glad to have him back, if only it means he will be able to participate in another All-Star Game Celebrity Softball Game. Dude can rake.

10. An airplane is going to fall off a rollercoaster and break every bone in it’s body. What? It can happen. THAT GUY alert—Air Traffic Controller guy is none other than Chris Williams, who you know as that guy from Dodgeball. As a dodgeball player of some repute in these parts, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that he is eliminated in the final against Globo Gym when he TURNS HIS BACK ON THE OTHER TEAM. Are you kidding me? You never turn your back. Patches O’Hoolihan certainly rolled over in his grave when he saw that.

11. McGuffin of DOOM. Today’s McGuffin of DOOM is the “CIP” device, not to be confused with the CHiPs device, which was designed by the government to drive Al Qaeda crazy by beaming the cheesetasticly homoerotic adventures of Ponch and John into their cave hideouts. The CIP device apparently protects the entire Interwebs from bad guys. If you can control that…blah blah…breach firewall….blah blah, bad things happen whatevs. We’ve GOT to get it back! THERE'S NO TIME!

12. Repeat: He’s EVIL. Just to bang home that ZTA no longer plays on the side of the angels, he tells Dr. Phlox that if he can’t get the CIP working tout de suite, that he “won’t need [him].” Luckily, though he now has a mustache to twirl, ZTA refrains.

13. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If I’m asleep, it means we’ve moved to the Presidential B-Plot. We do learn some important things at breakneck speed. Robin, to the bullet points!

- THAT GUY! Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) from The Shawshank Redemption is President Taylor’s Chief of Staff. His name is Ethan or something. Warden should suffice. Of course, I will always remember him as the San Angelas Police Department Chief from late 90’s classic Demolition Man. That movie was da bomb-diggity back in da day.

/90s speak

- President Taylor has “lost a son” to suicide. Thank God they made this happen off screen. That dude was borrrrr-ing. Don’t forget that, in Redemption, John Voight was eyeing up her son at her inauguration because he was afraid that the son could uncover his plot to re-equip General Juma, formerly deposed dictator of Sengala. I am not saddened by the loss of this boring character, so long as his girlfriend Carly Pope sticks around.

- Juma, “The Rocketman” from The Rock has control of Sengala and he’s doing a little ethnic cleansing. President Taylor, though ally-less, is planning to intervene. Her Sec. of Defense is not thrilled. She doesn’t care. Why I should care about this storyline is beyond me.

14. That’s one theory. Walker figures that ZTA hates the American government now because Charles Logan killed Doe Eyes. Jack doesn't think that’s a good enough reason. Then again, he only lost Teri Bauer. If I lost Doe Eyes, I'd go apeshit. If Jack would have lost Audrey, I’m certain that he and Tony would have teamed up, Wonder Twins style, taken over the country, and we would now be living in the Bauer States of Almeida. Which, come to think of it, would be kind of cool.

15. Doo-doo-dah. The FBI’s ringtone sucks.

16. Blah blah Juma blah. I already don’t care about this story. It needs to get tied into Jack’s story about twelve minutes ago. If we’re not going to do that, can we get back to Jack helping the FBI finding Tony?

17. MAVERICK!! President Taylor says “[Forget you] Jobu, I do it myself” to the UN (I just realized why that’s extra funny *hint- think David Palmer), and she’s goin’ into Sengala come Hell or high water. Hells yes! She is most obviously the Senator from the Great State of Alaska.

18. Even I didn’t know THAT GUY! Apparently the guy using the CIP McGuffin of DOOM and helping Tony out played S.Sgt. William “Wild Bill” Guarnere in HBO’s AMAZING WWII drama Band of Brothers. How Sky, a 24 rookie, saw that is beyond me. Major props. The character “Tim Woods” is played by one Frank John Hughes. He’s also been in The Sopranos, The Guardian (tv show, not Costner/Kutcher vehicle), and most recently in the DeNiro/Pachino crapfest Righteous Kill.

19. I call shenanigans! Okay, the President has word that the air traffic system has been compromised, but the Warden says that it will take 12 hours to ground all air traffic. I refuse to believe it would take that long. How long did it take on 9/11, in a US where there had never been a major terrorist attack? In the CTUniverse, there’s a new major terrorism-related disaster every couple of months. Clearly, the FAA would be able to ground every flight in a matter of an hour or two. What a silly plot device.

20. CARLY POPE! Comin’ atcha! Our C-level storyline is the First Gentleman’s crusade to prove that the First Stud did not commit suicide. New evidence points to the dead son’s g/f (CARLY POPE!) receiving $400K in an offshore account a few days after his death. ZzzzzZZzzzz. Wake me when he confronts Carly.

21. NOW we’re cookin’ with gas. So B-Edgar has been staring at the same six document clues for ages and he’s getting nowhere. In the time it takes Jack to take off his tie and grab a chair, he recognizes a name in one of the invoices ZTA used to buy components for the CIP of DOOM. It is one “Gabriel Schecter,” who, in the next part of our THAT GUY! Schmorgasbord will be played by none other than Tommy Flanagan, who was Maximus’s right-hand man, Cicero, in Gladiator. Isn’t this game FUN?

22. LET HIM DO HIS JOB. Jack’s plan for Cicero: 1) get him; 2) torture him; 3) ????; 4) profit! Larry Moss, heretofore unmentioned Agent-in-Charge of the local FBI office where Jack is working with Agent Walker, is unimpressed. He gets in a pissing contest with Jack. He’s sort of a Bizarro George Mason, in that he’s an unlikable dick, as opposed to Mason’s awesomely great dick. Moss, if you’re scoring at home (and we are here!) is brought to you by Jeffrey Nordling of, well…nothing I seem to have ever watched. How is he so familiar? Anyway, he calls out Jack when Jack gets in his face, because NO ONE TRUSTS JACK BAUER. At least for once, there’s a reason for this, being that Jack is about to be indicted by the government. Based on that little twist alone, it works.

23. She’s still trying to get her hands on an ’01 FLEER rookie. Agent Walker clearly collects Jack Bauer baseball cards. She keeps siding with him and following his plans, much to the chagrin of Mr. Moss, with whom she is quite obviously having relations. All they do is give each other knowing glances and stuff all day and get worried about each other. It's cute, in a "dipping the pen in the company ink" kind of way. What could go wrong? I mean, Jack was sleeping with Nina...crap.

24. I heart Renee. Maybe. Wow, really? Cicero has aged about 32 years since Gladiator came out in 2000. Tough break. And BOY is he English. I’d like to go on chick safari with him, that accent would be deadly. Anywho, Cicero’s not talking, until, in our DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT Agent Walker breaks his sidekick’s arm with some FBI-fu, and turns Cicero’s earlier warning that “he has a witness (to any Jack brutality)” around by saying “Your man was going for his gun—I have a witness.” That. Was. Awesome. She then unleashes Jack, who nearly gouges Cicero’s eye out with a Bic Rounstick before Cicero cracks. See, Cicero was working for …POW POW POW! Total snipage. Dead. Then, a phone call from Tony, “Just stay away Jack.” In a word- Frakking Awesome.

Meanwhile- Flight GAS 117 is about to become “Lost.” I slay me.

The Verdict: By God, that took forever to write. Good thing I don’t have to write a “Verdict” for this hour, because the next hour is starting right…now.

11.26.2008

24 Things About "24: Redemption"

Well, if that’s not the most misleading title in the history of blogging, I don’t know what is. Why is it misleading you ask? You know the rules! 24 Things per hour means it’s time for 48 Things I Thought I Thought About “Redemption” While Wondering Why “Redemption” is the Movie’s Title Even Though Jack has Nothing to Redeem Himself for and Thinking that Maybe it has Something to do with the Fact that I Need to Redeem Myself for Letting 24 Things About Day Six Putter Out with the End of Season Six, then Thinking that Maybe 24 Just has to Redeem Itself for Season Six. Y’know?

1. Previously, on 24

So yeah, Day Six kinda sucked, all-in-all. When last we had seen Jack, he thwarted the Chinese and his Dad, and was staring out over a cliff during sunrise. Was he deciding to jump? Was he deciding to shack up with Aunt Hottie? Was he also wondering whether Chuck Logan died? Who knows? Will we get answers today? Doubtful. But who cares. The Jack Attack is Back, umm..Jack.

2. It's been HOW LONG? Okay, let's see here, since we last saw Jack in May 2007, I have changed jobs; Philadelphia has won a championship; the United States has elected an African-American President; I have moved to my fly new industrial-style loft apartment where I live alone with my imaginary dog Loki; my real dog, Penny, has moved on from this mortal coil; the economy has collapsed; Four of the Final Five Cylons have been exposed and the RTF has found a very charred Earth (spoiler!); I still have no girlfriend (but have beaten both Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed on the XBOX 360); Taylor has returned from war and set up shop in Cincy; Kup's bought a house; Uram is engaged; and the Tomatoes are still awesome (Nat's still a doll and Jerry's still a dick). Yup, that pretty much covers everything.

3. WE'RE LIVE! from my previously mentioned fly new digs- affectionately called "Ice Station Zebra 2.0" by no one other than myself. I voted for Obama, so I won't be invited back to Casa Tomato until January. Instead, I'm here with Aussome Paul and Kelly the Ballerina. Paul is from Australia, but he loves Jack Bauer despite his hawkish conservative politics and pro-Bush agenda. Kelly has never seen Die Hard, 24, A Few Good Men, Star Trek II, or pretty much anything else that's awesome. She's young. We're working on it. I just exposed her to Airwolf on the local Retro station. Airwolf totally just fought an Evil Mega Helicopter of DOOM, and Stringfellow Hawk overcame 'Nam flashbacks to blow it all to hell while the Coolest Theme Music of All-Time blared out over my 62" TV. Proof positive that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

4. Oh, this is a 24 blog. With the formalities out of the way, let's get to the ACTION. The movie starts without the usual "The following takes place..." intro. However, FOX warned us that "Viewer Discretion is Advised," so I'm pretty psyched. Didn't realize how much I missed this show until this very second. And here's our bad- an Evil African warlord who's feeding impressed child warriors hypnotic Hug Jugs and encouraging them to "Kill the Cock-a-Roaches" infesting their fair country. This guy is officially a better villain than anyone from last season, even Fyad. I'm blanking on a nickname. We'll call him the Exterminator, even though he kind of looks like Winston from the Ghostbusters.

5. That's gonna be one hell of a mess. Methinks a 9-year old brandishing a machete is not the most efficient way to execute someone. Does this make the Exterminator incompetent or more badass? I'm going with badass. Aha! The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 PM and 5:00 PM. Events occur in real time. Goosebumps, anybody else?

6. Watch out for Cougars in town! (I had to get the obligatory Cougar joke out of the way toot suite). Meet Willie and Desmond of the Okavango School. Despite Willie's insistence that "Mr. Benton" doesn't like it when they run into town alone, Desmond, aka, "KIM" goes to play some "football," aka, soccer. This should end well. Rules-guy Willie stays at the school.

7. Jack Sack is Back, umm, Jack! Honestly, I love that we get to see the Jack Sack before we get to see Jack. Willie, that thieving bastard, goes rooting where he doesn't belong. Jack catches him, and it's exposition time-- Jack's been wandering around the world for like, a year or so, since we last saw him at the Raines's estate. He stopped in India where he picked up the Sarong Plot Device to give to Kim, proving that even half a world away, she will eventually frak him over. He gives Willie the Sarong Plot Device in exchange for the sweet knife that Wilie pocketed. You see, Jack's not going home.

8. Subliminal costuming. Frank the Douche from the Embassy has a subpoena for Jack to testify in front of the Senate about some questionable tactics he used as the recently disbanded CTU. We know Frank's a douche because he's been conveniently outfitted with the dumbest sideburns in history and wears really stupid glasses. Jack tells him to pound salt. Frank leaves the subpoena with Mr. Bennett, whom Jack apparently knows from his special forces days. Why Jack was serving in the Army with a dude with a UK accent is beyond even my overactive imagination's ability to comprehend.

9. Natty Tomato is swooning. Sure, I love Jack's pretty-cool beard. I guarantee you that Natty is swooning over Kiefer's prison-hardened pecs in that shirt.

10. Good Morning, Mr. Phelps. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. John Voight! God my dad hates that guy. Looks like our Domestic Big Bad is following the 24 Tradition of pulling rotting actor carcasses off the scrap heap and making them players in the world of TV. The tradition starts with Keifer, takes us to Dennis Hopper, through Peter Weller and James Cromwell, and now to Mr. Voight. It's the ol' 24 Juvenation Machine, and I'm totally down with this casting. Voight is a deliciously evil @$hole. Hope he sticks around.

11. Well Hello to You.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Carly Pope.

You're Welcome.

24 never fails to deliver us hotties. She is somebody who is apparently important's g/f. Character name is apparently "Samantha Roth." Whatever. Holy Wow, was she bringin' it in that ensemble.

12. It's Mr. Benton if You're Nasty. So Carl Benton. I know this guy from somewhere, right? He sure looks familiar. But his IMDB just lists a bunch of kinda-shitty movies like 28 Weeks Later and Eragon. He was in Trainspotting, but I've never seen that. (WOAH! Correction- just found it. He was Renard, the Bond Villain that cannot feel pain from "The World is Not Enough." One of my all-time favorite Bond Villains. That's where I know him.) Regardless, this guy and Jack are obviously very close, and very awesome together. Notably, Jack throws the first "Dammit" his way after he inadvertently insults him. Seems like Carl's "Redemption" is the school. But what is Jack's? Where will Jack find peace? CAN Jack find peace? These are questions we are meant to ponder, but we know the answer already- Jack finds peace by offing terrorists and saving the U-S-of-motherfrakkin'-A. Let's start shooting things, friends, shall we?

13. Dumb and Dumber. Okay, so some junkie/techie (a 24 staple) has been instructed to destroy all of John Voight's files. These files show that Mr. Phelps has been responsible for re-arming the rebels/insurgents/freedom-fighters/evil people that are being led by The Exterminator. Apparently they're armed and ready to start a coup. So Dumb calls up Ms. Pope's b/f, who we shall call "Dumber" and they start discussing how Dumb is all nervous and blah blah blah. Pope is HOT. This storyline already has me bored. Kids- it's a TWO HOUR MOVIE. Let's KILL BAD GUYS.

14. Product Placement! Another 24 tradition, and probably the only reason we're 20+ minutes in without a commercial (or as Paul calls them, much to everyone's confusion, an "ad"). I can deal. Overall, we get blatant shout-outs to Hyundai, Cisco, Sprint, Nextel, and others. I was convinced that Dumb's Hyundai was gonna go ka-blooey, but I suppose that would have been the worst product placement ever. Wish I was re-capping awesome show stuff right now? Me too. When it happens, I'll get right to it.

15. Oh! Ahhhhhhh! I get it! Dumber is the new President's son. He is the First Stud or something. Let's meet the new Prez, shall we- wah? Wait. It's...it's a girl? Man, somebody backed the wrong Democrat? Am I right? This is President Taylor, played by (apparently) Tony-Award Winning Actress Cherry Jones. I've got not problem with an idealistic woman President in the 24 Universe. Sadly, this means the end of the President Palpatine Administration. If you'll recall Powers Boothe really started to bring the ruckus at the end of Day Six, and though he was kind of evil, he got nicer.

16. Yanosh! Peter MacNihol, the hands-down MVP of Day Six stops in to inform President-Elect Taylor that, just hours before her inauguration, the aforementioned Jim Phelps bankrolled coup is going to take place, and that President Palpatine is cutting and/or running from the US Embassy there come 5pm that day. The name of our Fictitious African Nation in Turmoil is "Sengala." Good to know. The PM of Sengala, whom Pres. Palpatine informs is SOL when it comes to American help is none other than the Guy With the Machete that Bond Kills in the Stairwell from Casino Royale. You love that I point these things out to you, don't you? Man, I'm gonna miss Yanosh.

17. Interesting Political Twist. Basically, Senagala = Darfur. As President Palpatine points out to us- we can't go in there because of the way we've acted elsewhere in the globe. Thus, we'll be turning a blind-eye to this particular genocide. P-E Taylor is shocked and awed and unhappy with the decision, yet painted as the morally correct player in this argument. It's an interesting position for this show to take. I offer no further comment.

18. EXCHANGE OF THE DAY (re: dealing with Sengala)-
Prez. Palpatine: I appreciate your idealism.
P-E Taylor: I'm sorry I can't say the same for your cynicism.
Prez. Palpatine: Let's talk when you've been in my chair for a while.

SLAM! I will miss the hell out of Powers Boothe on this show, and I hope inklings that he's involved in The Big Bad Plot of Day Seven prove true, so that we get a lot more of this guy, and hopefully Yanosh.

19. Cue the Cliche Chanting Music. Surely enough, Kim's ill-advised soccer game is broken up by The Exterminator's brother, who has come to round up more children for their army. Though Kim and a companion make a break for it, they are seemingly gunned down by The Dumbest Henchman in History. Seriously, in a mistake so blatant that he's even derided for it by Exterminator's Brother, this guy shoots the two kids they're trying to capture so they can add them to their Army. Where'd he go to Henchman School?

20. Tender goodbye with Willie. First of all, Jack's Jacket is made of win. Now that I've chimed in on that, I'd also like to add that Jack is great with kids and mentally disabled. How Kim ended up so wrong must purely be Teri Bauer's fault, giving us another in a long-line of reasons to hate her. Anyway, Jack's leaving, and Willie has to stay behind to protect the children or some whatever. Nice moment.

21. Excalibur. Carl calls up Jack to inform him that he's found Kim's bullet-ridden body, and that the Exterminator's men are headed to the school. Jack vows to defend them at all costs. Jack being given a cell phone is like Luke Skywalker catching his new lightsabre, The Terminator putting on sunglasses, and "The Wizard" picking up the Nintendo Powerglove all in one. There's an asswhuppin' coming. You know it. He knows it. The world knows it. And it's gonna be awesome.

22. AWW SNAP! Jack to the Froggy UN Pantywaist, "Save your helmet for the parade, they ARE coming...Why don't you go hide in the shelter with the other children?" As an aside- Taylor says that UN workers are just like this guy. Oh- welcome Taylor! I hope you dig 24. You've just taken the first steps into a much larger world.

23. On two Jeeps? Really, this should be easy as eatin' pancakes for Jack.

24. Jack Bauer Terrorist...err..Evil Bad Guy Shoot 'em Up Counting Game! It's time for everyone's favorite game show! Count with me! One! One-a-dead bad guy (via pistol). Two! Two-a-dead bad guys ah-ha-ah-ha (pistol)! Three! Three -a-dead-a-bad-guys ha-ha (pistol) FOUR! Four-a-dead-a-bad-guys! ha-ah-ha! (knife!)...uh oh. Jack has a Machine Gun, now. Add two more dead bad guys via machine gun and another via grenade to the bad guy's crotch. Jack just killed SEVEN evil ...woah. He just effed up TWO more with knifes and karate-Jack-fu before he was finally knocked out by a machine gun to the head. I have waited 18 months for that. It was beautiful.

25. If you're scoring at home:

(click me)

Sorry about the resolution there. So Paul and I discussed it, and we think it goes: Bourne > Bauer > Bond (Daniel Craig, the rest are bollocks) > Ethan Hunt > Our Man Flint > Matt Helm > Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Feel free to discuss/ add in secret agents where you like. Let's get down to brass tacks- I love Jack Bauer. Certainly more than I like Jason Bourne. However, Jason Bourne is basically the answer to the question, "What if you took Jack Bauer and brainwashed him into a relentless, remorseless Mega-Assassin?" There you go. For the record, the Winter Soldier would tool them all.

26. You Have No Idea Who You're Dealing With. Like there is anything that The Exterminator's Brother can do to Jack that would ever get him to talk. Does "two years as a prisoner of the Chinese" mean anything to you?

27. Jack Bauer: better actor or dancer, you decide. Jack starts crying and "gives up" the location of the kids, springing the trap for Carl to kill them all. As gunfire sounds the alarm to brother of the Exterminator, he meets an ignominious end when Jack BREAKS HIS NECK WITH HIS LEGS. He may have used this move on Fayed. I can't remember. Regardless, this is the coolest Jack-kill since he tore that dude's throat out with his teeth. Body count: 8. This may be more people than Jack killed all of Day Six. How I have missed this show.

28. BEHOLD THE BIG BAD! Well well well. The Exterminator is the not the Big Bad after all, he is merely Lt. Exterminator. The Big Bad is none other than that Evil Mercenary Dude from The Rock. You know, the one that "hates that soft-@$$ $hit," The Rocketman? Word has it he was also the Candyman, but I don't watch horror movies (ask me about not sleeping for three days after watching the new/lame Amityville Horror), so I'm calling him General Rocketman. The coup is really his (though Jim Phelps paid for it).

29. President Taylor's Shoes Suck. So says Kelly the Ballerina. This is why I keep girls around. To give you hard-hitting intel like that. Moving on.

30. It was me Austin! it was ME ALL ALONG! President Palpatine, in order:
1) pours himself a drink at like, 11 am;
2) insists that Pres. Taylor refers to him as Mr. President;
3) insinuates that he only lost the election because his heart wasn't in it.

And right there, he has heel turned. He is so deliciously evil, I cannot describe it. I'm not buying President Taylor standing toe-to-toe with him, though. She lacks gravitas.

31. Things I wish were in this episode instead of the continuing misadventures of Dumb and Dumber:

1) Bill Buchanan (oh HELL YEAH);
2) Yanosh!
3) Brady, the Very "special" brother to that bad guy from last year's worst moment;
4) Charles Logan;
5) Does Eyes;
6) Carly Pope still in lingerie;
7) Aaron Pierce;
8) Crazy-go-nuts Audrey blabbering about China;
9) Chloe &/or Morris;
10) Ricky Schroeder's Missing Eye;
11) The rotting corpses of Blackjack and Middle Management Milo; and
12) Teri Bauer.

Yes. I hate this storyline this much already.

32. Uh. oh.

Carl tells Jack to follow the river to freedom, for he and the children should be safe from The Exterminator's advances. He is so dead. Sucks, cuz he's kinda awesome.

33. I never saw the ending, but...this whole "movie" is basically Jack Bauer IN Tears of the Sun, right?

34. Cue the Sarong Plot Device. You forgot about it, too, didn't you? Well, Willie somehow had the Sarong Plot Device sneak out of his luggage and onto a bush that was conveniently growing next to a mine field. Let's ignore, for just a second, the fact that the entire refugee group JUST WALKED PAST THAT BUSH and NONE OF THEM TRIPPED ANY MINES, and instead focus on... no. Wait. Nothing else to focus on. That was contrived and stupid, and I'm not letting 24 get away with that crap this year.

35. Rusty. Okay, my bad. I forgot to explain what's going on. Carl called Frank the Douche at the Embassy, who established that he won't let anyone into the embassy to escape with the last Marine choppers unless they've got American citizenship or appropriate paperwork. He won't even let you in if you promise him "anything," and you're a kind of hot local. Frank is a DOUCHE. He is a bastion for bureaucracy. Gleefully, Carl has paperwork for all of the kids, and after spouting the second "Dammit" of the movie to Frank, he and Jack set out to get the kids to the Embassy. Hot on the trail, having been informed by the Froggy UN Pantywaist that Jack killed his brother, is The Exterminator and his cronies. We can see where this is headed, right? Jack has to get back to the US somehow. Jack always wins-- at a price. Carl is so dead, and Jack's going to have to sacrifice himself to save the kids. Let's see how it plays out!

36. I should be writing in Hollywood. Sure enough, Willie loses the Sarong Plot Device OF DOOM, and as Carl saves him from the minefield, he steps on a spring-loaded old school Russian charge. THERE'S NO TIME to save Carl, so he sends Jack ahead with the papers while Carl decides to try to take a couple coupsters with him. There's a ton of great acting here. Fantastic scene, and in ninety short minutes, Carl Benton has joined the Pantheon with George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, David Palmer, Tony Almeida, Blackjack, and Doe Eyes. You will be missed.

37. Oh yeah. In case I wasn't clear, Carl dies off screen when the mine explodes. However, he slyly pulls The Exterminator and three or four henchmen within range of the blast before it goes off. Champion. That was a good death, although it's unclear whether The Exterminator died. Carl also said that the blast would probably only take off his leg, so maybe he's alive (and with ZTA coming to haunt our dreams, you never know). That would kind of be awesome. And yes, this was a blatant attempt to stretch one thing into two, because 48 is a hell of a lot. In fact I can't believe you're still reading. I thank you.

39. Neither here nor there. But if anyone can point me to one of those Obama-HOPE-style pictures of Jack that just says BAUER or JACK on it, I will give you fifty bucks. I need to either get one of those, or figure out how to make one myself. That would be as rad as the Luke Skywalker "A NEW HOPE" one, the Heath Ledger "JOKE" one, or the Dr. Doom "DOOM" one.

40. Truly great. When Jack here's the bomb go off, signifying Carl's death, he has a moment of total devastation. Everyone he cares about dies. How Jack has just not killed himself at this point is beyond me. Why anyone would keep going after all he's lost.... I mean, it used to be Audrey. What is it now? At the very least, you'd think he'd be hunting the world to get to Cheng (who escaped last year, right?), but now, what's he living for? Please address this in Day Seven. Please.

41. The Gauntlet! Jack and the boys have to make their way through the streets to get to the Embassy, and THERE'S NO TIME!!! In a cool moment, Jack notices an oncoming assailant, and shoots him the second he moves for his weapon. Awesome. Jack then dispatches of three more coupsters before getting to the Embassy gates.

42. AT LEAST kneecap him! Right after Jack takes out the last coupster, he turns right into the sights of the "Kill the Cocak-a-roaches" machete kid from the beginning, who has now upgraded to a machine gun. Jack talks him down and the kid runs away. I humbly disagree with this process, for I believe that the old Jack would not have let anything get in his way, not even a 9 old with an AK-47. Great, dramatic moment though.

43. BUREAUCRATIC CLIMAX! After all that, Jack's mission's success comes down to him convincing Frank the Douche that the papers are legit, and that the kids need to make the last helicopter out of town. He does, but as usual, it comes at a price- Jack must turn himself in (as the kids' "American citizen sponsor") and head back to DC to testify. If you didn't see this coming, you're an idiot. Also, I told you it was going to happen a few minutes ago. Oddly enough, despite the fact that the ending was telegraphed a 1000 miles away, it didn't detract from the ending, which was rather tense and awfully good. It is probably to Frank the Douche's credit that I had no faith in him letting the kids in, especially when he took Jack first and didn't open the gate. Good stuff.

44. 48 is a LOT of things. Seriously, I'm running out of stuff to talk about here. Oh! How about how Dumb was cornered in his apartment by some Very Bad Men, who are seemingly in bed with Jim Phelps. On top of that, Jim Phelps Very Bad Right Hand Man is none other than the First Stud's chauffeur. Since Dumb told Stud some sketchy stuff, this makes him a potential target for Jim Phelps. Cool with me. The over/under on when we find out that his Hot G/F, Ms. Pope is EVIL is Hour 7. Betting opens on December 1, 2008.

45. Almost there. Al-most th-ere. It's been 18 months, so I've had to find some new stuff to watch. Besides the normal awesome Discovery Channel shows, like Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch, I've come to adore three shows. Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Sadly, Daisies and DSM have now been canceled. Screw all of you for not watching. They are truly great. As for Terminator- it's going to run a full second season, but will be moved away from a PRIME spot for it (leading into 24) over to Friday nights, which is a death sentence. I implore you to start watching Terminator. It's really rather good, and it keeps getting better and better. The plot is intricate, the characters are fantastic, and the action is top-notch. I will give you my copy of Season 1 RIGHT NOW if you like. Help me save this show, it fills my BSG appetite.

46. A New Presidency. Taylor takes the Oval Office. During her inauguration speech..she...she..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, but President Taylor lacks charisma. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, but I think that if you're going to make us believe that she beat President Palpatine in an election, then she needs to be a little bit more of a pitbull, and a little bit less of an "Oh my son, you are so cute you! thanks for being on time." She's too smiley, too. Somehow, I think that her smile will be tested very soon. I'm looking forward to it.

47. Dumb = Dead. He was such a stupid character that he doesn't even deserve a "DEAD" picture. That would be an insult to Carl. Let's skip to the end and wrap this bad boy up, eh? It's only taken me 2 1/2 hours to write...

48. Silent Clock. Could it end any other way, really? So what do we have here-- another Pyhrric victory for Jack which very nicely sets up the new season and satiated my Jack Bauer Power Hour appetite. I am happy. It wasn't the best two hours of 24 ever, but it gives me faith that an eventual movie could do gangbusters. The extra-long season promo at the end got me very amped for Day Seven, which moves us to DC (Jack walking among marble pillars is the Most American Thing since John Wayne ate an apple pie while playing baseball against the USSR hockey team). Throughout the promo I noticed TONS of awesome people including (I think) Bill Buchanan! Chloe! Voight! Cicero from Gladiator! And ZTA! (btw- why give that away? what a great surprise ruined by the promos) January 11, 2009 can't get here fast enough.

Final Verdict: 4 out of 5 Shooting Christopher Hendersons. In two hours, my faith in the franchise was restored and my love for Jack Bauer was re-ignited. I cannot wait for the new season, which looks to continue the story of General Rocketman and the battle for Sengala much more than I expected. That's pretty much all this movie set out to accomplish, and it did so. I just hope that Frank the Douche gets punched at some point...or that someday we get a little Zombie Carl Benton. Oh, and I hope that Jack finds a little peace somewhere. But not until after about 100 more terrorists/coupsters/badguys feel Final American Justice- Bauer style.

be good to each other.
-apk

4.11.2007

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.

4.10.2007

just when i think i'm out, they pull me back in.

4.02.2007

Pinch Hitter: 1 Thing About Day Six (8:00 PM -- 9:00 PM)

Instead of trudging through my angry notes and trying to come up with 24 Things About the Worst Hour in the History of the Show, I've decided to forego such foolishness and link you to THIS ARTICLE from USA Today which so perfectly captures my feelings right now.

Maybe we can do better tonight, but I doubt it. I'll be taping the show, in most likelihood, because it's Opening Day, which is basically a Holy Day for me.

In the meantime, chew on a couple of these things re: Day Six:

1) Who cares about Denver?
2) IS LOGAN ALIVE OR WHAT?
3) How long until Audrey comes back?
4) Think Jerkass Phil's going to return?
5) Remember when Fayed was absolutely hardcore? Now he's a bickering simp.
6) Gredenko is the worst villain in the history of televison. I'd rather Jack go up against Boris & Natasha. At least Boris's Russian accent was convincing.
7) BRADY!
8) No, seriously, BRADY!
9) Okay, really. I'll admit it. As absolutely stupid the Brady plot was, I actually did care whether he took a bullet last week.
10) Milo and Nadia wish they were Tony and Michelle. That came off as nothing more than "Nadia's hot, I should totally kiss her".
11) Dear Bill Buchanan, please say, "Mike Doyle, I know Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no Jack Bauer."
12) Ugh.

keep your fingers crossed that tonight is better.

-apk

3.30.2007

Random Thought Thing--

waitasecond...

have we ever established whether Logan's dead?

Didn't think so.

In other news: I've not completed 24 things for this week, i know. I can't decide whether to tear this last hour asunder, or simply pretend that it never happend. Vote in the comments.

And pray for Chaz.

-apk

3.26.2007

Cougar Thing: Snap Judgments and KMART!

Be ready for about 100 Tom "Brady" jokes. ...I'm just warning you.

Anyway, seriously? This is what we've come to? An hour of Yanosh holding his head in horror as Palpatine orders nuclear strikes for no reason, Karen Hayes and Mrs. Tidwell try to awake the dormant Commander-in-Chief Superiority of Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque, and Jack saves the day with Rain Man.

I'm just going to say it.

"What the hell happened to 24?"

...frak it, I'm going to re-watch the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. Or Wapner.

Yeah, definitely Wapner.

3.19.2007

24 TADS (7:00 PM -- 8:00 PM)

Edit: Blogger issues kept the pretty pictures from loading. I added them 'bout noon today. They original Audrey ones were better. Everything else is the same. Don't worry though, you'll get two Audrey pictures a week from me from here on out. (Promise, or threat? who knows)

Wow. It's been a while, huh? What can I say, other than I'm sorry. It's okay, though-- i got drastic tonight, and will likely be posting 24 things about TONIGHT and LAST WEEK. Without further ado, I give you 24 (or more) Things I Think I Thought I Thought About Day Six while bringing to you A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIVEBLOG! Woot!

8:59 (time is EDT) -- Well, the Pens and Rangers are tied at 0 and headed to the 3d. And the Pens are playing for first place in the division. To be honest, you’re lucky I’m here for you, friends. If I click back and miss something…sorry. I don’t have TiVO. Let’s get it on! I’m LIVE from my bedroom and I’m hoping that this hour’s not as boring as the last. Frankly, the previews look promising as all hell…wait, what’s that Jack, “You should’ve told me about Audrey, Bill”. OH GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND WHY DIDN'T BILL TELL ME!!! WHY THE BETRAYAL??!?!?

I officially can’t think of anything until I find out what’s happened to the love of my life.. Umm. Be prepared for short, pithy answers this week. (at least that means I’ll maybe post it tonight…)

9:02 Are we that far along already? It’s dark? It’s dark and Jack has internal bleeding. And SilverJack has taken this “out of your hands, Jack”. Jerkass. He’ll regret that decision mighty soon. Anyway, Jack—GO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY! And, umm, Logan, too. Anyone remember him? Did i miss a week or something? Didn't the last episode end with Logan dying in an ambulance?

9:03 Geek alert—the RQ-2 is out there! It’s a STEALTH DRONE! A SUPER SMART DROID. It’s the love child of R2-D2 and Q from Star Trek. I am a nerd.

9:04 The showdown between Bearded Bad and Bald Bad just underscores how helter skelter Bearded is, and how supremely badass Bald is. The focus on Gredenko the last six weeks has clearly hurt the hell out this season’s momentum. He looks like he’s nuts.

9:05 It’s away! Artoo’s in the air, Hotness is trying to reposition the satellietes, MMM makes his move! Chloe catches MMM macking on Hotness, and now the jig is up! Hotness is a felon, but Chloe’s not going to report them. Chloe: team player. Yawn. More pointless CTU drama. GO FIND THE GODDAMN DRONE.

9::08 The drone is gone! Tech Terrorist is linked with the CTU satellites. He made the drone disappear. It was a really great idea to give Fayed access to the satellite grid back when the Day began, huh? 2.0 sucks as a president.

9:09 Meanwhile, in DC, up is down, left is right, and VP Palpatine is going to nuke Nameless Unaffiliated Mideast Country (NUMC), Yanosh is the flippin’ voice of reason, and Lisa is still hot. Like, hot hot. She’s now “Hot Lisa”. And it’s superdramatic commercial break time. As cool as the “Under Pressure” Gatorade commercial is, I wonder, what are the Pens up to?

9:12 Dammit. 1-0 Rangers., 13 minutes left. I hate you, Marc.

9:13 American Idol sucks this year. Blake Lewis has won me over, though. And we’re back! Being that LA survived the commercial break, it’s not a target. Current potential target candidates include SF (4:1), Phoenix (3:1) and Vegas (1:2). Think about it-- if you're a Muslim extremist, why not hit Vegas? It's filled with sinful tourist Americans from all over the country. With one hit, you effect as many sinful Christians from as many different parts of the country as possible. That's how you spread terror. (Note: I umm..don't support terrorism. And i don't think gambling's a sin. I'm just saying that's where I think Fayed would want to take out).

9:15 Jack’s chillin with Aunt Hottie, she’s going to tell him about Audrey (according to the preview). “I always regretted things didn’t work out between us” And..DENIED! Jack balks—he will not kiss you, Aunt Hottie, not because he killed your husband, his brother, but BECAUSE HE LOVES AUDREY. (damn straight!)

9:16 My heart stops with “you don’t know, do you”

9:17 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Died in China while trying to save Jack.

This concludes our live blog.

...

..

.

9:22 Okay, I just ignored all of that DC “let’s nuke the bastards” stuff, and pulled myself together. For you. For all of you. Thank me later.

::sniff::

oh, yeah, Karen Hayes is back now. She’s still old lady cute. But whatever. Oh- Keifer acted his ass off when he learned about Audrey. Phenomenal.

9:26 Haha! Thank you for levity, writers. Chloe kissed Morris to “check his breath” for Milo, then straight up informed him that she was “just checking your breath” afterwards. Classic moment. Really cute. I miss Audrey.

9:28 Yanosh and Karen exchanged pleasantries four minutes ago. Now they are bitching at each other. Yanosh, “You’d better pray that CTU can find and stop that drone” Good grief, can we please focus on the ATTEMPT TO STOP THE DRONE. Thanks.

9:29. “We have a leak”. Whoever had “Hour 14” in the Mole Pool wins. You can collect at the front door. You can still get in on the ground floor for the Mole’s Identity Pool, candidates include: Hotness, MMM, SilverJack, Morris. SilverJack’s goin’ straight after Hotness, MMM kindly disagrees. Ricky gets the burn of the year with, “Is this assessment based on some private knowledge, or is it because you’re itchin’ to sleep with her.” SilverJack RULES. Chloe spends 7 seconds on the computer and realizes that Hotness is, in fact, the alleged mole. SilverJack goes all Bauer on her, but Bill makes him relent. Hotness pleads her innocence as she’s carted off and MMM watches. Obviously, Milo gave Nadia access to his computer to frame her. Never trust someone with a goatee.

9:34 Claire Daines has some dancin’ legs. Girl is jacked in a hot way. Trust me, Claires with dancer legs are fantastic.

9:37 Karen visits the still-in-a-coma Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque. She wants him to be awoken, but only his siter, Sherri 2.0, can provide clearance to risk his life like that. Clearly, she will, because she’s a hippie and she’ll want to avoid the nuclear retaliation against NUMC.

9:40 Ricky’s interrogating Nadia, BY GRABBING HER THROAT. He’s absolutely. hard. core. But in a farm more prickish way than Jack. Now, MMM’s to the rescue. Oh, yeah, Morris back-traced the signal and the Tech Terrorist is three blocks away. Also, I think Nadia and MMM just broke up, because his silence admitted that he doesn't believe in her innocence.

Needs anger management, hug.

9:41 A taped up Jack reads The Love of My Life's File. There are pictures of a (partially covered) body. I still refuse to believe any of this. She is not dead. No. Frakking. Way.

seriously? no way is she gone. no way.

9:42 Jack’s body is a MESS. Just cuts and gore everywhere. I like how they wrapped him up in bandages so that they didn't have to blow the whole budget on body makeup. Good thing he’s suited up and ready to kick some ass now. He’s headed out with SilverJack and the rest of the team.

9:44 YES! Jack’s reason to live: Vengeance. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m pretty sure he just told Bill, “Audrey died trying to get me out of prison, because she thought I was worth it. I’m not letting her down. I’m finishing this. And when I’m done, tell the Chinese that I’m comin’…AND HELL’S COMIN’ WITH ME!!!!”

'Nuff said!

9:45 dammit. Pens lose 2-1. We blow a chance to catch Jersey. There’s still time though.

9:50 They made hotness not hot real quick. Oh- I almost forgot, the target’s San Francisco. This is all an elaborate plot to keep Barry Bonds from breaking Hank Aaron’s record. Think about it, he’s the only person universally loathed enough to bring terrorists and Russian nationals together in harmony.

Really... i'm kinda with the terrorists on this one.

9:52 Jack leads the Tact Team in. Umm, SilverJack—just watch your throat. Let’s play the Jack Bauer Vengeance Body Counting Game: ONE! Dead terrorist ahaha. Two! Two-a dead-a-terorists ahaha! Three! Three-ah-dead-aterrorists, ahaha! (Techie was the last to go).

Jack had all three kills. The first two were, in a word: surgical. I think we can officially consider him FINALLY BACK.

9:54 There’s no way to disarm the bomb! The bomb automatically detonates in 30 seconds! Jack can’t turn the drone too quickly! The graphics look like flight simulator 1995! Jack’s the greatest video game pilot in the world! The drone’s needs 500 feet of runway to land and….SHE’S DOWN! She’s crashing! She'’…………………………on fire! She’s………..not blowing up!!!!! We win! Bite me, Gredenko/Fayed! Score one for democracy!

Uram and I discussed this later, and it's clear that Jack Bauer is the Greatest Video Game Player in the History of the World. In fact, it's not well known, but the Fred Savage classic The Wizard was based on his life. Other Jack Bauer video game facts include:

He beat Contra without using the code. Without dying.
He beat Mario 3 without using any warp whistles. In 20 minutes.
He plays MarioKart blindfolded, and has never lost a race.
He is the only person in the history of ever to successfully shoot the Duck Hunt dog.

9:56 Recount: Techie’s still alive. Jack gets to do some interrogating. Uh oh…as the first responders arrive on the crash site, is anyone else waiting for this nuke to go off? Oooh..maybe it's worse. There's radiation leaking everywhere.

9:59 Tension is freakin’ high. I'm still waiting for Artoo to detonate. Crap, we’ve got a “dirty bomb” radiation leak and Palpatine’s looking for any excuse to strike. Civilian deaths and environmental damage will be “untold” even Yanosh no longer agrees with a warning shot. Palpatine’s ordering it anyway. We’re an hour away from a counterstrike.

10:00 "The order isgiven. Launch the missiles as soon as [the subs] are in range."

Now that’s an hour! Great, great stuff there! If Audrey were alive (GUARANTEED THAT SHE IS) and the Pens hadn’t lost, I’d be mega-psyched right now.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed the live blog. I’ll admit, it was kind of fun to type it up while watching. Perhaps I should invest in a laptop….

See yinz next week.

-apk

24 TADS (6:00 PM -- 7:00PM)

Note: I orginally wrote this on 3/15. I was totally going to finish it, too..but..well, you'll see. Bon appetite.

Well, Los Penguinos make me extremely happy. In light of the excitement generated by a 3-0 shutout of the hated Devils, in New Jersey, by our backup goaltender, where Jarkko Ruutu had two points, I have decided to forego Casino Royale in lieu of writing for all of you. In the words of Xerxes, “I am kind”.

On with the show! Err…24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while visions of green beers jigged in my head.

1. Location, Location, Location. We’re LIVE from my bedroom, which means there are no Tomatoes to crack jokes with, and I’m experiencing the Jack Bauer Power Hour in all the glory of a 19” RCA that I bought off the floor in Wal*Mart back in 2001. Meanwhile, my roommate’s watching whatever certified crap is playing on MTV right now, downstairs, on my 62” HDTV. In other words, prepare for a pissy review.

Bite me, The Hills.

2. I want ANSWERS!!! During the recap, I’m left to ponder, again, the eternal question: “Why didn’t Jack just leave the Consulate through the window?” I think the correct answer is a toss-up between “bulletproof glass protects from snipers” and “dramatic reasons”. Eh.

3. Great Line #15. Chloe to Chuck, “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent, I’m gonna go.” Generally, the whole “Chuck goes to CTU” scene was pretty cool, and it was augmented nicely by more cool chimey music. The music this season’s been stellar, by the way.

4. SilverJack. Holy crap, does Ricky Schroeder look old. Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Mike Doyle” BlackJack’s replacement and new Resident CTU Hardass. For the moment, I’m going to ignore the rumors that the Rickster’s being groomed to become Keifer’s torchbearer, and instead read from Mr. Doyle’s CTU Personnel file:

Doyle, raised by a single father who was an owner of a multinational toy company empire, grew up in a mansion stocked with arcade video games, a scale model freight train that ran throughout the house, and countless other amenities. Raised in the lap of luxury, his world fell apart after scandal rocked his father, an overgrown manchild himself, and his second wife, the luscious Erin Gray. After a 60 Minutes expose revealed that Eddie Toys were built in sweatshops throughout Indonesia, Gray filed for divorce and successfully took the vast majority of Doyle’s father’s assets. Shortly thereafter, Doyle became a hardcore freebase heroin addict. That is, until a run in with Columbian drug runners resulted in the paralysis of his long time friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman) and the death of his best friend, Alfonso Spears (Alfonso Ribeiro). Following this tragic incident, Doyle’s life worsened before it became better, as noted porn magnate Freddy Lippencottleman helped Doyle “greive” through a life of utter debauchery. It wasn’t until Doyle reconnected with his father that he cleaned up his life and joined the New York City Police Department. After three years of wearing the NYPD Blues, Doyle joined CTU and has become one of its rising stars. His record is noted for multiple citations of merit. However, his love of trains, Buck Rodgers reruns, and silver spoons shows a disconcerting inability to relinquish his sketchy past. As such, he is known to experience sudden outbursts of violence, especially against British people that remind him of his grandfather.

Morris had better watch out.

Happier times.

5. INVASION! Holy Crap! Bill Buchanan’s gonna do it! We’re goin in after CCCP! Getting Jack back is secondary, but whatever—they’re gonna invade Russia!

6. Working for CTU is like going to Dickinson College. Everybody knows everyone, if you get my drift. I mean, really, was it entirely necessary to make Doyle and MMM long-time rivals? The only thing this season needs less than Sherri Palmer 2.0 is more frakkin’ CTU in-fighting. What’s next? A mole in CTU? (Edit: according to next week’s preview: Yup. …groan/yawn).

7. The Great Escape: Part Deux. Woah! Jack just used Aaronslav Pierkofsky’s BELT to snapmare the douchey Ruskie guard, steal his gun, and then AVENGE Aaronslav’s death. That was nearly as cool as when Jack ATE THE TERRORIST’S WINDPIPE. Remember? Way back in Hour 1 or 2, when Day Six was tremendous?

8. Can you hear me now? No? Crap. Well Jack got through to CTU just long enough to inform Morris that he knows where the nukes are. Though he ran out of anytime minutes before explaining the entire plan, Jack has been upgraded to Number 1 Priority. I like that little piece of writing, there, actually.

9. America’s Greatest Weapon: A Whacked Out Designing Woman. Follow the logic: Chuck needs to talk to Marty so she can talk to Mrs. Zubarov so she can tell Mr. Zubarov to let CTU invade Russian Soil because the deposed criminal mastermind Ex-POTUS, who tried to have the Zubarov’s killed during Day Five, says that CCCP is the one who’s responsible for the nukes in America. Got that? Great plan. I’m sure Zubarov will bite like nothing. Y’know—gotta trust Crazy Marty Logan. I’m actively pulling my hair out right now.

10. Is Mike Doyle gonna have to choke a bitch? That was refreshing. I’m with SilverJack, now. He just put all of CTU in its place. I don’t even care that he had to choke Morris to do it. Maybe now we can put to bed all of the incessant CTU in-fighting/whining plotlines, and get to some terrorbustin. I mean, really—A NUKE JUST WENT OFF IN AMERICA, I feel like everyone would be acting a little more seriously at this juncture. Especially Morris, who’s apparently not consumed with guilt enough to stop being a prick to everyone. Glad this all done. What? Milo’s starting crap with Doyle…for the second time in 20 minutes? Really. Sigh.

11. On second thought. MIKE DOYLE IS RICKY SCHROEDER!!! I can’t take him seriously as a badass. Why couldn’t they have picked someone more hard? Y’know, like one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). I could be making Lost Boys jokes right now! Speaking of which, an imdb search just revealed the Billy Wirth was “Dwayne the Human Slayer” in Lost Boys. I associate the name Billy Wirth with one thing only—The Greatest American Gladiators Contender of All Time. HERE he 1) starts a fight with mega-tool Gemini; 2) makes a sweet-ass diving score as time expires; and 3) makes millions of little white kids want to wear a doo-rag. A True Champion, if there ever was one.

What was I talking about, again? Oh, yeah- Ricky Schroeder’s got a long way to go to convince me that he can be a supreme Bauer-level badass.

12. Intermission. As we take a powder with the DC storyline, let’s recap the awesome setup we’ve got going here, if only so that I can bitch more later when there’s no payoff. 1) Jack’s on the run inside the consulate with only a gun and his wits. He doesn’t care if he lives, he just needs to make a phone call first. 2) Chuck has to convince Crazy Marty to convince the Russians to allow: 3) ALL OUT ASSAULT ON THE CONSULATE. This, my friends, is gonna get good.

13. Err...not. Screw it. This hour sucked. There should have been half an hour of Jack jumping Russian guardsmen like Batman and working his way out of the Consulate. Instead, he hid. And we spent a half hour reuniting Crazyass Marty and her live in paramour, the Awesome Aaron Pierce with Chuck. Unfortunately, Aaron has been totally emasculated by Crazyass Marty, who's SO CRAZY that she flipped her $#!+ and stabbed Chuck in the ...umm..rotator cuff. But, apparently, she almost totally nailed his artery. So the hour ends with Chuck flatlining on the way to the hospital. Does he die, tune in next week! Important things only happen as hours end!

What about Jack, you ask? Oh...well, he hacked and slashed his way out of the Consulate in true Leonidas/Bauertastic Style. Wha? No. he, umm, hid. AND WAITED FOR RICKY SCHROEDER TO SAVE HIM (after, of course, Crazyass Marty settled down and MADE THAT PHONE CALL). By the way, she convinced the Russian First Lady to convince the Russian President that CCCP was EVIL and that CTU should be allowed to invade Russian territory and kill Russian citizens in oh...about 2 minutes.

After all of this, Bearded Bad and Bald Bad launched a drone, anyway.

Bravo.

what a piece of crap super-boring hour.

I'm going to watch Casino Royale and bask in the glory of Daniel Craig and the pure and utter absolute beauty of Eva Green-- the only woman that could steal me away from Audrey.

You're on notice 24. Get cool again, toot suite!

-apk

3.14.2007

Random Thing-- 24 March Madness

THIS is much cooler than anything I could've written about the abject boringness that was this week's hour. Nevertheless, I'll have 24-Things for you soon, right after I finish celebrating the PGH Arena Deal, filling out my Mascot Bracket, watching the Pens v. the Devils, going to see 300...again, and working through both discs of my brand-spanking-new Casino Royale set.

I heart Eva Green.

Like, a lot.

anyway, go check out that link, then come back sometime around Thursday....maybe Friday. I forgot that it's Comic Book Day.

-apk
(this post is an excellent summation of all things that I dig. plus baseball)

3.08.2007

24 TADS: (5:00PM -- 6:00PM)

No slick lead in, there’s catching up to do! Without any ado, I give you 24 Things I Think I Thought About Day Six while mourning the loss of Captain America.

Good night, sweet prince.

1. I hate NBC. First they cancel “Studio 60”. Then they subject me to “Deal or No Deal,” where I just wasted 20 minutes of my life watching a woman who “has porch furniture in her living room” greedily pass up a $125,000 payday…only to be rewarded with $405,000. I hate this country. Cap’s probably glad he’s dead. Oh, and then NBC puts “Heroes,” a television show made specifically for my enjoyment, up against 24, and to make matters worse, taunts me with the promise of a Spider-Man 3 sneak preview sometime between 9 and 10 PM. Well screw you, NBC. The tomatoes have DVR. Baha.

2. I wish someone would’ve warned me that this would be my pop culture week of doom. Yesterday, we lost Kara “Starbuck” Thrace on Battlestar Galactica (and if you’re not watching that show, shame on you for six weeks! Also…umm…spoiler), tonight, we’re either going to lose Assad (one half of the MegaPowers) or Palmeresque 2: This time it’s more Palmeresque (no big loss), and on Wednesday, my favorite character of all time, Captain America, is going to get punked by a sniper’s bullet. This week sucks, and Han Solo, Huey Lewis, and Keith of Voltron Force best all look both ways before crossing the street. In fact, I’d recommend that they just stay indoors until Sunday.

3. The Secret Service has no creativity. Citadel? Really? What a weak presidential code name. I think 2.0’s code name should be “New Coke,” "The University of Phoenix", or (of course) “Eli Manning”. I’ll put it up to a vote. That, or feel free to share your own suggestions.

4. If ya smellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllalalalalala…. To sum up Jack’s pre-limo conference with Logan: Know your role and SHUT your mouth!

5. Jack Bauer: Secret Service Agent. It’s official, Aaron Pierce has just been eclipsed as the Greatest Secret Service Agent of All Time. As a sidenote: Natty likes Jack in the suit, but she’s really torn up by the fact that Jack’s not wearing his tight grey shirt anymore.

I don't know if Natty can make it in a nippleless world.

6. Great Line #14. While trying to appeal to Jack’s spiritual side by relating his house arrest to Jack’s Chinese incarceration, Logan feeds our intrepid hero this scintillating observation, “in that silence [solitary] you can hear the voice of your deepest self.” Profound, really. But I’ve got dollars to donuts that says the voice of Jack’s deepest self is saying “Kill Charles Logan”. That’s just me, though—and I can’t help but equate Spiritual Logan to Arrested Development’s “Spiritual George Sr.”.

7. DAMMIT! Assad, aka Baltar = DEAD. Honestly, this bothers me more than the loss of Tony. At least he died to save the President. Even in his death, he one-upped Jack. All Jack ever did was survive while saving the President, he’s not cool enough to make the ultimate sacrifice (::crosses fingers, spits three times::)

I also considered using pictures of Baltar and the Macho Man, but those options were too geeky.

8. HA! GOT IT! The identity of the Secretary of Defense, one of those quintessential “I’ve seen that guy somewhere a billion times before guys,” has been escaping me for two days. Or, right up until I started to type this. It was driving me nuts, on the tip of my brain, y’know. Now it hits me—he was the Police Chief in the Sly Stallone Classic (not sarcasm) Demolition Man! Hopefully he can come up with a better plan than (to paraphrase) “We can just wait for another [suitcase nuke] to go [off]. And when [Fayed] performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce!” Full disclosure: I Googled for a quote.

9. Dum-dum-dum-dum-da-dum, dum-da-dum. Anyone else hear the Imperial March as Vice-President Palpatine assumed power and entered the bunker? Anyone? Jerry, Natty, put your hands down, you don’t count—I was whistling it.

10. 10-20 on Yanosh? Well, I’d like a 10-82 with Hotness, I wonder if Morris is still 10-41, I wish Chaz would go 10-169, and this episode needs WAY more 10-32s. Wikipedia is a wonderful thing.

11. Brokeback White House. Chaz to assassin: “We cannot kill Yanosh!” Assassin to Chaz: “Why not?!?” Chaz: “Because I love him.” Okay, maybe it didn’t go that way, but it sure felt like it was going to.

12. PSYCHE!!!! YES! Go Yanosh! Well, folks, that there is YOUR Diamond Cutter Moment. I can’t believe that Yanosh totally punk’d Chaz like that, and had them all (himself included) arrested/detained for the attempt on Palmeresque’s life. Well. Frakkin’. Played. I knew there was a reason I supported that little weasel during the first six hours. Waitasecond…. did the political storyline just get me to cheer? Dammit. We need more guns, pronto!

13. “What do you think I’m going to do, Jack? Request asylum? If it’s any consolation, I don’t think they’d take me”. My former roommate, Kup, said it best, “I did not realize how much I missed having Charles Logan in my life.” True that. What a great, funny-ass line.

14. Okay, interlock the ring fingers, squeeze four times, then gimme paw…I’m pretty sure that Logan just gave the Russian Consul the Official Day Five Co-Conspirator Secret Handshake. If only Opie was still alive to confirm.

God bless you, Google Images.

15. A proud alumnus of the Ed Rendelphia School of Negotiating Tactics. Logan’s on fire. To sum up his “tactful plea” to Commie Conspirator Consul Person (“CCCP” i am so clever!): “I can send the tapes of you sending Sentox nerve gas to me to President “Don’t Call Me Sergei” Zubov—who will straight gulag-kill-you-Cold-War-Mother-Russia-Ivan-Drago-Lenin-Style for your insolence!” Predictably, CCCP counters with “Nyet Dice”, Logan comes up empty, and the Penguins move to Kansas City.

16. Logan Wan Kenobi? Beard?: check. Intense Spirituality?: check. Profound wisdom and soft-spoken advice given to an adventurous war hero with a penchant for experiencing fits of extreme anger?: check. Give the man a lightsabre and send him to the desert! If Logan dies this year, I wonder if he’ll come back as an iridescent blue ghost?

17. Everyone needs a gimmick, I suppose. Jack breaks into another Consulate, because having one Communist Superpower pissed at you just isn’t enough. Overachiever.

18. It took five-point-five years, but we’re learning. CTUers have just stopped second-guessing Jack. Finally. Though it makes them pretty irrelevant now. I love that Chloe answered her cell phone and agreed to cut the power to the Russian Consulate before Jack could even finish asking her to.

19. Obviously, she was flying JetBlue. A cheap, easy joke, I know. Again, 24 of these things ain’t easy. Anyway, apparently Karen Hayes has been chillin’ at Ronald Reagan since we last saw her. Upon hearing the news of the assassination attempt, she decides to pull herself up by her bootstraps, belay that whole “resignation, schmesignation,” and head back to the White House! The way she travels, she should be back with the Cabinet by the middle of Day Eight.

Ps: the music here was awesome.

20. The East Coast Groove. Lisa, VP Palpatine’s assistant, is one attractive apkGirl. Very blonde, very pale, very W.A.S.P.-y, very wearing a suit. She reminds me of Elsa from Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade, though I seriously doubt it’s her. That being said….yowza.

21. Interesting Predicament. Though it’s incumbent of me to remind you that when the coolest stuff in an episode is found in the political subplot, it probably means that you’ve got a weak episode on your hands, the stuff between Palpatine and Yanosh was pretty great. In essence, Yanosh’s plan (which he still believes is the only way to stop the attacks) can only be implemented at the expense of his own integrity. He has to cover up the stuff about the assassination attempt and keep Chaz from justice so that he can save lives. This is really clever writing, and a great twist. However, I’d really prefer a few more freakin’ explosions, thanks.

22. Bill? Sup? Nothin. Sup with you? …umm..well. Jack reports back to CTU that he “may have a situation,” being that he broke into the Consulate, took CCCP prisoner, tripped the alarm, and is now stuck. Bill Buchanan, the Greatest Boss on Earth, takes this all completely in stride. The best part of it all, though, is that Jack Bauer Just. Doesn’t. Care. About. Anything. Anymore. He’s getting his answers, or your fingers. He doesn’t care—he just wants to save lives.

On the other hand, he’s so stupid that he tries to escape out of the hallway door, instead of that big window.

23. Snip! Gross.

…err… .awesome. I’m a manly-man!

ewwwwww, they showed the stump.

24. FINALLY off the schnide. Jack Bauer, now 1-4 in interrogations this season. Perhaps he only has interrogation mojo in an Assad-less world? Anyway, CCCP cracked and Jack now knows that Bearded Bad is going to tie suitcase nukes to Predator drones and fly ‘em into their targets. Wheels are up in 2 hours.

In honor of the Penguins, we head to OVERTIME:

Bullet points of DOOM:

- Who wants to bet that Jack’s captured for slightly under 2 hours?

- Holy crap, how easy was it for Jack to flip that Russian guard? That guy was so full of integrity that I instantly started to refer to him as Aaronslov Pierkofsky. Pity he’s already dead.

- Bill Buchanan has just shifted into TC McQueen mode with this sentence, “I need the option to take the Consulate by force”. The man for the job? Ricky Schroeder, who joins the cast next week!

- Remind me to tell you about the 24 telephone number next time. This week’s number? 310-597-3781. I tried to call it, but only got a Spanish message.

- We’ve reached the tipping point! Habeas Corpus has basically been suspended by Palpatine, Jack is the only good guy with knowledge of Bearded Bald’s plan—but Jack’s in Russian custody, CTU’s getting ready to invade sovereign Russian territory (and we all know where shenanigans like that got Thumper and Cobra in Iron Eagle II), and Palmeresque is still unconscious. Things are heating up on the Relatively Nonstop but Kinda Slow at Times Season of 24! ON FOX!

-Player of the Game is Chuckles Logan. Awesome in so many ways.

-Stats have been discontinued. Sorry.

Be good teach other, I’ll catch up with the last two hours, soon. Hopefully.

-apk

3.07.2007

FUNNY THING: Eli Manning is Palmeresque

Since I've not updated in ages, and since I hate Eli Manning, and since I'm mourning the death of Captain America, I bring you THIS (which I found on Deadspin.com). So long as you're not a Giants fan, you should find this amusing.

As for updates, I hope to get to THIS WEEK'S HOUR soon, then fill in the rest as time goes by. Life is, in a word, "hectic" right now. Don't think I don't miss all four of you that read this stuff.

...I wonder if Jack would like to take over as Captain America.

-apk

2.26.2007

RANDOM THING: Logan Returns

Hot off of his actually nearly-hysterical Oscar moment, Vice-President (and apparently the new Greatest Person in the History of this Ever-Warming World) Al Gore (bearded variant) has been selected as 24TADS's Official Charles Logan Icon. He won't admit it, but I'm certain that this means more to him than the Oscar.

It's sad when I can't even wait for me to post so I can use these ideas, isn't it? Last week's update will be here soon, just keep wishin/hopin/believing/flapping your wings like the kid from Angels in the Outfield.

-apk

really, that bit where the music interrupted his announcement was pretty great.

24 TADS: (2:00 PM -- 3:00 PM)

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This post has been re-revised, because finishing it at 1:00AM was a bad idea. Some of the jokes might actually work now.)

Seriously? These posts are the only thing I hate about 2 HOUR 24 EVENTS on FOX! Writing 48 things is easy. Typing them up—not so much. Enough bellyaching, though, it’s time that I get back at it and hook you up with 24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while watching Mike Rowe paddle around in a manmade pond of liquid cow manure extract on what may be the best reality/docu show in the history of TV, Discovery’s Dirty Jobs. If you’ve not watched this show, you should start. Also, I hate the Tampa Bay Lightning.

1. “Nice Jacket.” We’re right back at it for the second hour of Day Six’s SECOND 2 HOUR 24 EVENT. LIVE! from the International Tomato HQ, where the King Tomato has just informed me that Bearded Bad, Evil Russian Patriot Vladimir Gredenko, was the bum that Christian Bale gave his jacket to in Batman Begins. I was going to check on IMDB, but it appears that the network in my apartment is on the fritz. Sadly, there will be a lack of pretty pictures to this update, too. Edit: I’m back online, baby! IMDB confirms it. Man, that Jerry’s smart (obviously, he looked it up in order to make the blog) Additionally, did you realize that Bearded Bad has also appeared as the Scientist Guy that created Chimera/Bellerophon in MI:2? Sprout also reports that he’s previously played the part of “Sinister Russian” in the Val Kilmer classic, The Saint. Knowledge is power, people. The more you know… (Cue shooting star, peacock).

2. Riiiiiight…. Okay, the CTUniverse Clock is showing 2:04, and in the approximately six minutes since Jack saved LA from suitcase nuke #2, CTU has hacked, decrypted, and analyzed all of the information in the computer that Bald Bad left behind during his mad-dash escape from the hideout. This is the same CTU, mind you, that couldn’t track an $80,000 Maserati through the LA suburbs even though they had six dozen cameras and a helicopter on it.. Sure, sure.

3. Now, C’MON!! See previous Thing. AND NOW MORRIS IS AT CTU?? (and he's feeling particularly angsty about wussing out and giving Bald Bad a Fully Armed and Operational Battlestation). How did he get to CTU so quickly? What did he do? Teleport? Dear Creators of 24, This Show is in Real Time. It’s kind of your gimmick. Remember?

::telephone rings::

Hello? Hey, everybody! It’s Joel Surnow and Keifer Sutherland, two of the producers of 24! What’s that guys? Oh, you don’t care about making the gimmick legitimate anymore, because 17 million people watch the show every week, and in your opinion, sticking hard to the gimmick only constrains the flow of drama-- a lesson you learned during some of the major downtime during Day One? Also, the general public is okay with some leaps in faith, so long as things keep moving, and it’s only nerds like me that spend our free time writing and maintaining blogs about a TV show that nitpick crap like "sticking within the constraints of the gimmick" to death? Oh, and you’re rich?

Touché.

Okay, I give up.

4. Jack returns to CTU. This is a cool little moment where Jack returns to CTU for the first time since being abducted by the Chinese, and every pencil pusher there takes notice. You'd think they'd have a bronzed statue of his likeness there by now, huh? I can't help but wonder what he's thinking as he returns to the place where (deep breath) hiswifewasmurderedbythewomanhewascheatingonherwith,

hehelpedminutemenblowupwhilehisonlydaughterwasinside,
hewasforcedtoshoothisbosswithaknockoutdart,
heshotaterroristintheleg,hecutapedaphile'sheadoffwitha
hacksaw,heinterrogatedthewomanthatkilledhiswife,hefaked
hisdeath,hisbestfriend,whohadbeenkilledbyhisownmentor,
diedinhisarms,hechosethelifeofaChineseconspiratoroverthatof
theex-husbandoftheloveofhislife(whohadrecentlysavedhislife),
andhewatchedeveryonediefromexposuretoasuper-toxicnervegas.

(exhales). I bet he's thinking, "Man, it's great to be home."

5. If I were planning on setting of a bunch of nukes in LA, I’d totally hang out there. Okay, the evidence on the aforementioned hard drive has given us a lead re: the whereabouts of Bearded Bad. Apparently, he’s somewhere “in the Pacific Time Zone.” Instantly, everyone in CTU comes to the conclusion that, clearly, Bearded Bad must be in LA. How I can’t get a Federal Job is beyond me.

Well, he couldn't possibly be anywhere else.

6. The most dysfunctional family ever. Not only did Jerkass kill Opie, he’s convinced Jack that Jack was at fault, and he is laying on the guilt trip extra thick. However, Jack’s not having any of it, because he’s a heartless superhero that only stops to worry about Kim and Audrey. Now, in a truly Greek tragedy style scene that features a tête-à-tête between Jack and Phil against the backdrop of a morgue freshly stocked with Opie’s dead body, Jack’s grilling his dad about Bearded Bad and proving that he is totally incapable of reading his family. Still, even though Jack tanked another interrogation here (he’s now 0-3 on the day), he gets style points for not really falling for the guilt trip. As the great (snicker) Stu Scott would say, Jack is as “cool as the other side of the pillow”. (Welcome to 1998, everybody! Please collect your N*SYNC CD, Furby, and GigaPET, and change into your adidas windsuit. Enjoy your stay!)

7. Jerkass: On a mission. Sweet! Phil’s going after Bearded Bad. It’s like Phil’s with Jack, but absolutely against him, too. I am digging this plot. By extension, I’m much happier than I was 5 Things ago, when I got a little pissy. I apologize. (Also, Morris = Still Angsty, and Chloe's the only person that can get through to him. How cute.)

8. Revenge is a dish best served cold. “I lost control,” says Jack to Bill, “I tried to tell you that I didn’t think I could do this anymore.” The greatest American since FDR admits that when Opie admitted to giving the order to kill Palmer, Tony, & Doe-Eyes, he “wanted [his] brother dead.” Jack Bauer is pure diesel. Airwolf, even.

9. Bill Buchanan: Best. Boss. Ever. Bill’s offer to cover up Opie’s death establishes, with finality, that he is the greatest director in CTU history. I will not argue this. I mean, even though a previous cover-up was just used to make his wife resign from a cabinet-level post, Bill doesn’t care what rules he has to break to protect Jack. Between this and the way that he shook off BlackJack’s death, it’s clear that Bill is the only person in the American government that realizes the value of one Jack H. Bauer, Toughnuts, Esq. In other news, Jack doesn’t care enough about anything anymore to bother with a cover up. That decision won’t come back to haunt you. Dammit.

10. The Phantom Menace. Cool, VP Palpatine and Palmer v. 2.0 are going at it again. I love the “use Assad” endgame. When these two are going at it, the political stuff’s actually interesting. I hope we get more.

11. So be it…Jedi. VP Palpatine with the line of the night to Palmer v. 2.0. “There is a thin line between conviction and stubbornness. You can stand firm, but you are standing alone.”

12. A personal (read: non-24 moment): I Heart Paul M. Natty Tomato just informed me that it is her dad’s birthday. He is the most awesomest Englishman I’ve ever met, and we had way too much fun together at the bachelor party and wedding this past summer. The man is money in the bank, and I raise my glass to him here. Salut!

If you know why this picture is awesome, you are one of my closet friends.

13. Clear & Present Danger. Chaz just told Yanosh that he’s on a need-to-know basis, and that he doesn’t need to know the extent of the assassination plans as he extols the virtues of “plausible deniability.” You see, Yanosh, it’s “The ole Potomic twostep.”

“Sorry Mr. President, I don’t dance. err..umm…Well, Chaz. For you… anyyfing.”

14. ??????? Whatever it was that Jack just said to Aunt Hottie was missed by us all. If I’ve learned anything from Day Six, it’s these two things: 1) Never let a woman drive your Maserati, 2) Never let a woman drive your remote control. Nice job, Nat.

15. “You are a gruesome bastard-retaliant…” Aunt Hottie, doing her best Nicholson-as- Joker impression tells Jack that she doesn’t blame him for Opie’s death. In fact, she blames Opie, and she’s glad that he’s dead. That’s. Just. Cold. I wonder if she’ll be able to make it to the funeral? Perhaps she's having her nails done that day. Y'kno, to impress Jack.

16. Prediction: Milo’s DOA. MMM just got a big promotion to the Tact Team. Obviously, this is not going to end well. Now that he’s out in the field, should I change his name to CyberJack, or should he remain MMM?

17. Things Must Be Picking Up. My notes are falling to pieces, which is a clear sign that things are getting exciting and my note-taking has become haphazard. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

18. Our other lead: check Russia. Just to get back on track, this is the plan: Jack, MMM, Aunt Hottie and a Tact Team are going to drive around a part of LA that Aunt Hottie once followed Opie to. Aunt Hottie’s going to retrace her steps, and pick out the random house that she heard Russian voices in. This plan assumes that: 1) Aunt Hottie can find the place, 2) that the Russians terrorists have been using the same safe house for the last six months, 3) that just because Gredenko’s cell phone was used in the Pacific Time Zone, he’s in LA, and 4) that Gredenko didn’t skip town the moment a nuke went off where it wasn’t supposed to.

Y'know, now that I’ve written it all out, I’m at a loss for words. This may be the worst battle plan since Pickett said, “Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea! Let’s form a big, straight line, and march across an open field while the Union soldiers unload their cannons on us, whaddya think?”

19. I can’t believe he didn’t laugh at her. So Phil, scared that Jack’s gotten a lead from Aunt Hottie, slyly gets her to spill the beans on the plan. Take a second, and please re-read the plan above. Okay, Phil is so scared by this ingenius plan that he immediately leaps into action, kidnaps one of his only two grandchildren, and makes a break for it. He then calls up Aunt Hottie and interrupts the tender moment she was trying to have with Jack. Speaking of which…

20. REJECTED! Opie’s body is not even cold and Aunt Hottie keeps making doe-eyes at Jack (and they are gorgeous), reminding him that she’s totally over Opie’s death, and telling him how sorry she is for everything that’s happened to him. Meanwhile, Jack’s all (in full-on gravelly voice) “Marilyn, I know you’ve been through a lot today, but you’re starting to annoy the piss out of me. Now pick out the house and shut the hell up.” Who’s dumber here? Jack for passing up a shot at Aunt Hottie, or Aunt Hottie for wanting to shack up with Jack “everyone I love dies” Bauer?

21. DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT! It’s probably the least surprising Diamond Cutter Moment of all time, but it was still kind of shocking to hear Phil threaten Kim (aka Jack Jr.)’s life. What a jerkass.

22. MASTER PLAN UNVEILED. Bearded Bad has his Bond Villain Moment (TM) when he explains to the Terrorist Techie that Looks Surprisingly More Like Ex-Fuel Frontman Brett Scallions than MMM does. And that’s saying something. (Tangent: I miss Fuel). Anyway, I’ll sum up in my best Cmdr. Chekov accent, “Ve vill retroactiflee vin de Cold War by using dese vepons (the suitcase nukes) dat Mother Russia vas too scaredee to use bevore. Ve vill fix that mistake, and Arabs vill take dee blame.” On a ten point evil plan scale, I put this one at a solid 6. That is, slightly ahead of Lex Luthor’s plan to create a continent of craggy, worthless Krytonite land and sell it to the highest bidder (Superman Returns), yet definitely behind Dr. Evil’s Preparation H (which, of course, was good, on the whole).

That being said, what the hell does using nukes on LA and having America blame the Arabs accomplish? You'd think that Bearded Bad would want some credit for all of his troubles? Does the fact that all he's looking for is a high American body count make him an incredibly dangerous/scary villain, or a just a senselessly mustache-twirling Snidely Whiplash type? I can't decide.

23. He learned the game from his Uncle Jack, now he’s afffffffffffffter the name…Jack Bauuuer, Jack Bauer, Jr! Kim to Phil, “I know that you’re lying to me.” Damn skippy, Kim! Even though I titled this post after lyrics from the James Bond, Jr. cartoon show, I don’t know that Kim deserves to be lumped in with his uncle, Jack. Frankly, Junior's shown an uncanny knack of calling Phil’s shenanigans when no one else in the family can. Perhaps he’s adopted.

Honestly, after watching this YouTube clip, I need a DVD of James Bond, Jr. episodes. Look out he’s comin’ through—he’s got a job to do, while he rescues the girl! Jammmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees Bonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd!

24. ON THE RUN!! Forget that Harry Temple died the exact same way as Jack’s entire Tact Team, I’d just like to point out that I find it to be incredibly fortunate (for Phil, at least) that Phil happened to have another house wired to blow up mere blocks from where Aunt Hottie was taking Jack. I suppose since Opie knew where to find the Russians, Phil would have as well? Ugh. Logic hurts. Anyway, the explosion was awesome, Milo and Aunt Hottie are on the run, Milo blowing up the UPS van was awesomer, and despite that fact that I’ve done nothing but bitch and point out plotholes during this entire hour, I pretty much loved every frakkin’ second of it, and I wish that 24 was called 48 and was on for two hours every week. Because that was a superbly entertaining 2 HOUR 24 EVENT OF SPECTACULARNESS.

Stats: I’ve got no good stats for this second hour. There may have been a "dammit," but I dunno. No terrorist casualties, though. However, CTU lost another Tact Team, I think CiderJack’s still alive, and MMM’s the Player of the Game, for no other reason than setting off all of the grenades and running like hell was a pretty solid plan. Pity he’s deader than disco next hour..

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 David Palmers learning Sherri Palmer and throwing her off the campaign trail. Yup. More great stuff that made me anxiously await the next week. What more do you want from your TV? I harp about logic, but I don’t care. If I want tight, logic-based storytelling, I’ll watch Grey’s Anatom…no. Umm, I’ll watch Lost…nope. Umm.. got it—I’ll watch Dirty Jobs. See how it always comes full circle?

Be good to each other, and shame on you all for not commenting on Homey the Clown last week. Personally, I thought that was pretty great.

-apk

2.21.2007

AWESOME THING

CLICK ME, then scroll on down to "24 Open". The Pittsburgh Penguins have been using a 24-style Opening Montage on their Jumbotron for a few months now, and I've been waiting a long time for this to be posted on their website. Back in January, I even emailed their media department and asked when it would be posted.

This is, bar none, the coolest Jumbotron movie I've ever seen in my entire life. So you can visualize how it works in the arena, about five minutes before the teams take the ice, the house lights go pitch black, and this fantastic little movie kicks up. It is supremely badass.

In light of this, I hope you can forgive me for being so far behind on my recaps.

-apk

2.19.2007

24 TADS: (1:00 PM -- 2:00 PM)

I’ve got no excuses this time. Maybe someday I’ll get quick with these. In my defense, though, these things take around two hours to write. Anyway, I awoke this morning and remembered that last week was Two Hours of Awesomeness, meaning that I’ve got 48 things to churn out. Sigh. Before you go any further, be warned: this hour’s pretty weak.

Without further ado, 24 Things I Think I Thought I Thought About Day Six while realizing that we’re already 1/3 of the way through the season, and that this makes me obscenely sad. Also, Punxsutawney Phil is full of $#!+.

1. I love the Thanksgiving Episodes. We’re LIVE! Once again from the Casa del Tomato, where we’re eating some sweetass subs and killing time with Friends DVDs. The episode: the Thanksgiving “One” where they play football. One of my all time favorites. Good stuff. Not as good as my sub was, but good nonetheless. Also, the sub-maker guy had an awesome hat that I’m going to buy, because Natty thinks that I can pull it off. (I was going to link to it, but I can’t find it. Sigh). Anyway, God bless Natty.

2. The Skycopter CTU Freeway Traffic Report. First of all, I want to firmly establish that choppers are always cool. The CTU Huey of Justice is no different. The search for Morris begins! And by the way, traffic on the Parkway West is backed to Greentree Hill.

3, MMM is on a mission! The jacket’s off, baby! Milo’s going to find Morris and save the day! Two thoughts here: a) if you want to hook up with Chloe, shouldn’t you let Morris stay kidnapped? I think so, this means only one thing: MMM’s after Hotness. Good for him. b) If MMM can’t track Evil Brit’s SupaFly EvilBritMobile, then he may be the worst analyst/subroutine-tracker in CTU history. And that’s saying something.

This car: The Epitome of Icognito. (I really should have used the "Ninja Hedge" again, huh?)

4. The 24 writers love me. What other reason is there for the blatant shout out? I mean, Evil Brit was just spotted at “Adams & 13^th”. I don’t have a link to my profile here, but I’ll tell you this- my blogger name is “Atom13”. Why? Well, it’s been my internet handle since 1996. My name’s Adam. My number’s 13. I’m a dork. Can’t believe that Natty caught the reference, and I didn’t. She’s so smart.

5. Natty’s so dumb. “Jack’s going to parachute [from the CTU Huey of Justice].” My reply, “Like Jack needs a parachute.”

6. Good plan, Morris. That a way! Tell Reese how Evil Brit’s plan is to blow up more children, all for a measly $7million. I also like how he played to her selfishness by pointing out that CTU doesn’t even know that she exists. It looks like she’s actually feeling remorse over everything.

7. BANG! BANG! Holy schynekies! REESE JUST SHOT EVIL BRIT!! Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s YOUR Diamond Cutter Moment!

Sigh. I have no pictures of M.Moulton. Random Evil Imperial British Guy will have to suffice.

8. Oops. “You said yourself, CTU doesn’t even know I exist.” For what it’s worth, I thought that it was great plan, Morris. Rats. In any event, that was the best 12 minutes since the premiere.

9. How to suck all the momentum out of the first twelve minutes in one easy step. That is, flip back to Washington and give us more boring political claptrap. On the bright side, we learned that Yanosh, of all people, convinced Palmer v. 2.0 that he should run for the presidency. And in even better news, we also learned that BALTAR HAS LANDED IN DC! Yeeeeeeeeees!

10. Karen Hayes is going to kick your ass. Literally, what? TWO HOURS after you blackmail her into resigning, Yanosh, you tell Chaz to draft a letter a resignation for YOU? You sissy. Sack up and see this thing through the end! Also: What the hell is Chaz up to?

11. Welcome to the 10,348^th Safest Place on Earth. Aunt Hottie, Jack Jr., and Phil all check into CTU, where it is highly likely that one of them will be kidnapped, stabbed, shot, electrocuted, poisoned, tortured, or gassed to death.

12. Unheard line of the night. “Hi, I’m Bill. You must be Josh—boy, you sure do look like Jack.”

Uh oh! This one's under review!

13. APK will be charged with a timeout. After further review, the ruling on the field is overturned, and Josh will no longer be known as “Jack Jr.” All hail, “Kim!” (Recognize this, fools—it’s totally a boy’s name, too).

14. Morris Toughnuts. Bald Bad wants his component, dammit! When “I’m just an analyst, you’ve got the wrong man” doesn’t work, Morris gets all uppity Brit on him with a little, “Not bloody likely, Mate!” Nice try, but Bald Bad only has one reply:

"I don't think so...Homey don't play 'dat." (and y'know, get the drill.)

15. WHAHUZZAT? And they say Star Trek has technobabble? What the hell did Chloe just say about techniewutzits and modulating frequensomethings? Let’s hope that was the last Lt. Data Moment of the season. Ugh.

16. Palmeresque 2: This Time it’s more Palmeresque. Palmer’s plan to put Baltar on TV is the kind of ballsy, outside-the-box thinking that we need more of around here! Love the line “You want to lead this peace, Baltar, then LEAD.” Sweetass.

PS: It looks like I’m gonna have to juummMMMmppppppppppppppp!

17. The CiderJack Pompadour of American Virtue. Seriously, he’s got so much hair, that I’m willing to bet that they have to kill him off just to save on hairspray. So far, I like him, though.

18. Cheap Shot. Jack to Chloe, “Chloe, Good to have you back. ::cough::MMM sucks! ::cough:::: Seriously, what’s with Jack’s vitriol towards Milo? Didn’t Milo kind of help Jack save his daughter during Day One? Jack’s like, more likely to be nice to an evil terrorist mastermind like Baltar than to Curtis or Milo today. If I were Milo, I’d be watching out for gunshot wounds to the neck.

19. INTERACTIVE! Okay, I’ve got a note here that says “For whom the does the bell toll? It tolls for THEE,” and I don’t have a damn clue why I wrote that down. Here’s your chance to play along! What the hell is that note in reference to?

20. Bald Bad is AWESOME. First he shot Reese DEAD. Then, he DRILLED. THROUGH. MORRIS. Morris, my man, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of for cracking.

21. ANOTHER COUP? Oh for God’s sake. Why do we need another Presidential Coup? Why does this only happen to Palmers? Why do we need another excuse to get Mrs. Tidwell involved with the storyline. Ughhhhhhhh. Chaz is so annoying.

22. FINALLY, SOME HARDCORE ACTION!! That’s what I’m talking about! CTU finally makes Bald Bad’s men pay…in blood! We’ve got terrorists down all over the place, and Morris is okay! Everyone’s doing great, that is, until Jack realizes that there’s a SUITCASE NUKE IN THE KITCHEN!!! Dum-Dum-DUMMMMMMMMM.

23. Thankfully, he decided against the Nicey McNiceguy “Stand and Scream at It” disarmamanet method. With Chloe’s help, Jack disarms the nuke with the “stick the screwdriver in the metal clasps” nuke disarmament method he honed after countless hours of playing “Operation” during his courtship of Teri. If you think that’s impressive, you should see him take on “water on the knee”. Did anybody else notice how Jack composed himself, then strutted out in the living room like a hardass and reported that everything was okay. Let’s see you top that, Chuck Norris…

Chuck Norris v. Suitcase Nuke No. 2

24. The Princess Leia Escape Plan. Here, I thought that Bald Bad had simply run up some stairs, using the tactics that Marwan incorporated into his plan so well during Day Four. But even BETTER, he dove down a ventilation shaft/garbage shoot, shimmied down a rope, and then stole a Medivac Helicopter (Helicopter Bookend Bonus!) . All I have to say s, “Nice Perimeter, CiderJack”. You’re following in BlackJack’s footsteps perfectly.

Stats:

Dammits: 2(8) – Jack loses Morris on the highway; Bald Bad escapes CiderJack’s first perimeter.

Terrorist Casualties: 8. That’s what I’m talking about! Six terrorists (but Bald Bad escapes), Evil Brit, and Reese Witherspoon on Crack (and sadly, her incredible personality).

CTU Casualties: 0! Morris LIVES!

Player of the Game: Jack. Umm, he tracked and saved Morris and defused a SUITCASE NUKE (1 reference). What more do you want?

Final Verdict: 5 out 5 Victor Drazen Killings Just like watching Jack unload a clip on Vic Drazen, this hour was entirely perfectly satisfying in every conceivable way. We had a good old fashioned CTU satellite/camera chase, a wildly successful OP, a badass shootout, some disgustingly awful torture, and some quality character moments. I should take away a half point for all of the Yanosh/Chaz boredom, but I enjoyed the Palmeresque stuff with Baltar enough to even it all out. Can’t wait for the commercial break to end!

More to come later (tomorrow). Maybe.

2.09.2007

24 TADS: (Nooner -- 1:00 PM)

Hello there and welcome back to the show. I’d like to give a hearty special welcome to my old (and all-time greatest) boss, Barb, and, presumably (after Barb edits out all the curse words), her daughter Kati (this may be the most complexly terribly written sentence in the history of the English language – and that’s saying something, especially for this blog). They are two big time 24 fans that I “converse” with weekly about the show. Barb even answered last hour’s most burning of questions, namely “Who the hell is Chad Lowe?” Apparently, he is the former Mr. Hillary Swank. But bigger than that, he won an Emmy as Becca Thatcher’s AIDS-inflicted boyfriend on the oft lamented 1980s TV series Life Goes On. Sadly, Google Images has failed me, and I have been unable to unearth any pictures of Becca (avec red glasses) with which to grace us. Anywho, upward and onward.

24 Things I Think I Thought I was Thinking About while coming to the conclusion that someone stole Buff Burrows’s life and made a movie called “Beerfest” around it, that “Beerfest” was surprisingly hilarious, and that Tom Lennox is a Deutschbag.

1. Forget the bacon, eggs, steak, or dressing-- “mixed greens” make it healthy. We’re coming live and direct to YOU from Casa del Tomato in the luxurious North Hills of Pittsburgh. Thankfully, I am back in my element with my lovely bickering couple of choice: Superhuman Italian Shelf-Putter-Upper Jerry Tomato and his lovely bride, the Jack Bauer Nipple Loving Natalie Tomato. We’ve been watching “Beerfest” and drinking cocktails since dinnertime, so this might get interesting (and for the record, I had a steak salad). Game on.

2. Thank you, Captain Obvious. The Newsperson of Exposition has thankfully informed the American people that Palmer v. 2.0 has “confirmed that a tactical nuclear weapon has been detonated” in LA. My question: what the hell else would make a big mushroom cloud in the middle of Valencia? An overheating Volvo?

3. Communication: the Cornerstone of a good marriage. Nat and Jer oughta pay good attention to Bill and Karen. See, Bill’s telling Karen to fight for her right to stay in the cabinet, while simultaneously trying to get an explanation from her for why she resigned in the first place. Karen promptly hangs up on him. Bill promptly calls back. Karen...promptly hangs up on him again. I give them six months.

4. It’s getting dusty in here. “I’m really sorry [that I pushed you away], Jack,” Phil tells his son. What a pleasant heart to heart, being that they’re going to be executed. However, this is where the real time format kind of sucks, because we’re never going to know what drove them apart. Rats.

5. Irv? Really.... IRV? Back in the 90s, they did this really cool anthology of short Batman stories called “Batman: Black and White” where all kinds of indie comic creators gave their take on a Batman story, with only one catch: all of the stories were in black and white. Anyway, I remember there was a story about Batman’s death, and how it wasn’t the Joker or the Penguin who eventually kills Batman, but a punk who gets lucky and shoots Batman through the head. Long story short, as Phil and Jack are lead to their execution, Phil calls one of the evil henchmen by his name, “Irv.” Are you kidding me??? Forget the fact that they gave away the end of this scene in the preview last week. I knew Jack was surviving the second I realized that there’s NO CHANCE IN HELL of Jack getting punked out by a guy named Irv. None whatsoever. However, if he did, I’d like to think that his tombstone would read, “Shot in the back by Irv over a matter of eighty dollars”.

6. Chuck Norris: You’re on notice. Told you so. Jack and Phil escape, but while Jack was interrogating the lackey, Phil shot him dead. Awesome. It’s true: Phil Bauer is hardcore too.

7. WE NEED BALTAR BACK! The fact that Opie lied to Jack during his interrogation and Jack didn’t catch it means that Jack is 0-2 during interrogations today. He’s lost his touch. This may be the longest logic leap in the history of the show. That being said, we need Assad/Baltar to come back and start shoving knives in ugly places so we can put an end to these terrorist shenanigans.

8. Hubba. Hubba. Woah. Reese Witherspoon on Crack has a fantastic personality. If you know what I mean.

9. Not ANOTHER security breach?!?!? Evil Brit M. Moulton’s finally found a guy that Bald Bad can use to create another “component” so more suitcases can go boom. Swell. Apparently, this guy will need to be “coerced” in order to cooperate. Clearly, it’s someone in CTU. Clearly, it’s male. Clearly, it certainly won’t be MMM. By process of elimination, Morris is the target. So what will they do? Kidnap Morris and coerce him by threatening Chloe? How are they going to get into CTU to grab him? What are they going to do, use the Ghost of Edgar Past to infiltrate security?

10. Darren McCarthy!!! I just realized that Evil Brit (M. Moulton) is actually the Darren McCarthy that Jack and Graem were trying to hunt down last hour. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize this. I’m obviously slipping, and I’ve not even been incarcerated by the Chinese government. This is what having a job will do to you, kiddies.

11. CiderJack. Welcome to the new Tact Team, “Al Turner.” Stay far away from Mr. Bauer, and you might live.

12. Mom! Dad! Please don’t fight! It’s...it’s Christmas! Sorry, just had a flashback there when Jack Jr. got all “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY DAD!!!?!?!?” I would’ve paid eleventy-hundred dollars for Jack to stare him right in the eye and say, “Opie never told you what happened to your father.... Josh, I am your father.”

13. Great Line #13. “I’ve seen what happens when you try to protect people!” BURN! Aunt Hottie, BURN!!! Serve. Serve. Serve. Serve. For those of you new to the scene, an abbreviated list of people Jack has tried to protect: Teri Bauer, Kim Bauer, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sissy McWussypants (Paul Raines), Chance, Tony, Ryan Chappelle, Palmer v. 1.0, Doe-Eyes, Secretary Heller, BlackJack, Jack Bauer Action Figure Prototype. ß No, seriously. You want to click that link.

14. You don’t know anything, do you, smarty pants? Apparently, though, Aunt Hottie hasn’t heard what happens when people are taken to CTU, because she and Jack Jr. are off to CTU. See Teri Bauer, Reza Naiyeer, Mya Driscoll, Sissy McWussypants, Audrey’s brother, etc.

15. Water under the bridge. Opie’s tied back up in the office and he’s pleading with Jack. This is priceless. “Jack, buddy...pal! Brother! About that thing where I was going to kill you, let’s not hold grudges, you know? Let’s let bygones be bygones! I’m over it...” All we’re missing is Opie saying that he’s made “A huge mistake,” and he’d sound just like GOB Bluth.

16. Say it with me, “GRAAAHAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM”. Seriously, why is Keifer Sutherland physically incapable of pronouncing Opie’s name? Why does it always sound like he calls him “Grey”?

17. YOUR BROTHER IS OKAY. Saw this one coming a mile away—Evil Brit is totally faking Morris’s brother’s hospital report in order to flush him out of CTU. Predictable? Certainly. But this is much better than another CTU infiltration. At the very least, it worked out logically, in that 1) Morris tried to call his brother at the hospital, but the lines were full (although, I would suspect that a CTU agent could break through...); 2) Chloe used her female powers of persuasion to convince him to finish his job first; 3) a brother would never even entertain the thought that it’s a trap if he thought his brother was dying. Also: please juxtapose Morris’s selfless love of his brother with Jack’s torture of Opie.

18. Jack’s gone soft. Opie’s putting up a pretty good fight against the Pain Inducing Drugs. If this was any other interrogation, Jack would have shot him in the knee by now. I love that Opie’s harder core than he would ever appear to be. It’s that little brother power that they tap into whenever they feel like they’ve got to prove their mettle. Gooder has it, and it’s occasionally frightening. Just don’t let him know that I said that—I’ll lose the psychological edge that I’ve slowly cultivated over 20 years. And if that happens, I’m going to have to hold him down and feed his hand to our dog again in order to get it back. And Penny’s getting old, I’m not sure that she can take it anymore.

19. HOLY FRAKKIN’ FRAKKITY FRAK!!!! OPIE ADMITTED TO BEING LAST YEAR’S MASTERMIND (spoiler). Diamond Cutter Moment. Keifer just won an Emmy for his reaction. Opie’s reasoning: “BECAUSE I LOVE MY COUNTRY! And in the REAL WORLD, sometimes you have to do terrible things...We’re the Same!” WE ARE NOT THE SAME!!! WE’LL DO THIS MY WAY.

20. The Dad Eyes of Doom. Jack’s got a gun to Opie and he’s scared off every CTU agent that knows not to mess with The Bauer. Then it happens: Phillip stares at Jack with the Dad Eyes of Doom. Those eyes that send 1 singular message, “I’m not mad at you. I’m just disappointed.” Natalie could not understand why this instantly disarmed Jack. Jerry and I did. Interestingly, though, she admitted that her mom could do that to her, but not her dad.

21. Why the hell are my parents calling right now? No joke, my dad just called me to ask, “You’ve seen that look before, haven’t you?” After I soiled myself, I apologized for staging pencil fights in his bedroom when I was 12, crashing the Subaru when I was 16, and a litany of other bad deeds. I think I even made some other stuff up to apologize for. I hate that he can do that to me.

22. Good push, Gooder. So Mrs. Tidwell’s hanging out with Walid: Muslim Patriot (who is thankfully still alive). Frankly, I missed this exchange, because 1) I was on the phone with my dad and 2) I don’t pay attention to anything that involves Mrs. Tidwell. Anyway, she either told Walid or Palmer v. 2.0 something along the lines of “you are the bravest, most principled man that I know,” to which my brother (and Barb) replied, “NEXT TO YOUR BROTHER, DAVID $*(%ing PALMER!” and he swore, too. And he’s a clergyman. This is how much everyone hates Mrs. Tidwell.

23. PolSci 309: The Executive Branch and Constitutionality in Times of War and Crisis. Damn. That was a political debate. Did any of you non-lawyers/non-PolSci dorks enjoy that as much as I did. Yanosh the Pragmatist + the VP Palpatine v. Palmer 2.0 over the legality of Executive Order 1066. I’d like to pat the backs of the writers for tying the Exec. Order into FDR’s Exec. Order 9066, which called for the interment of Japanese citizens during WWII. I’d also like to pat myself on the back for recognizing the correlation. Who knew I was actually paying attention during Professor Pohlman’s Con Law class during Sophomore Year (I was even pledging at the time)? I’m also pretty psyched that my mind didn’t automatically jump to “Execute Order...66”. Most of all, I’m thrilled that Palmer 2.0 acted exceptionally Palmeresque with lines like “...never governed by the politics of fear,” and “The discussion on this matter is over”. Great scene.

President Palmer & VP Palpatine engage in Constitutional debate.

24. Told you so. What’s that, CTU technician Ackbar? You have something to tell Morris. Go ahead:

Honestly, I have no idea why I am making so many Star Wars references this week.

BONUS! 25. Phillip Bauer is EVIL! Dammit! He totally Rollo Tomasi-ed us. Bastard! What a great little conversation with Opie. “Doin’ great, son.” “Thanks, dad. I’m tough! Tougher than Jack!” “We’ve got to save the company (Question: What the hell is the company, and why’s it so damn important?)”. “Word, dad. I got it under control, Jack doesn’t suspect that YOU WERE REALLY BEHIND PALMER/TONY/DOE-EYES’ DEATHS” “Umm..yeah. And he’s not going to. Cuz I asked too much. And also, cuz you’re dead.” “Wha.....glurghghghgdurrhghgh”. fin.

Stats:

Dammits: 1(6) – Jack after Phil kills Irv’s friend

Terrorist Casualties: 3 damn skippy! Irv. Irv’s friend, and Opie.

CTU Casualties: 0! Way to stay alive, CiderJack!

Player of the Game: Phillip Bauer. Big Daddy Phil is playing everyone like a harp from Hell. As I wrote this, I realized that he killed Irv’s friend in order to keep him from talking and blowing his cover. Tremendous. I don’t know if I buy that it should have been that easy to kill Opie and get away with it, but whatever, I’m too busy wondering how this is all going to play out, and if Phil’s in bed with Bald Bad. Also: mega-bonus points for the Dad Look of Doom.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 D’Edgars. I left a half point off just in case it gets better than this. While we were a little short on action, we were high on family angst, which is made all the more captivating by the great performances being put in by everyone involved. Even Aunt Hottie did some nice work this week. The fact that I ended up talking to both my dad and my brother about this episode is a strange coincidence, isn’t it? All-in-all, a pleasing death for Opie and a fantastic confession to Jack, even though we learned that Phillip’s been behind everything all along. Crazy-go-nuts.

See yinz next week.

-apk

2.07.2007

24 TADS: (11:00 AM -- Nooner)

Well, it sure has been a while, hasn’t it? I was just getting on a roll doing these things, and then LIFE ATTACKED. It’s been busy here at the day job, so the energy I summon to write these babies at night has been sapped to the point that it’s...umm...un-summon...able. Anyway, enough excuses! It’s time for the show!

24 Things I Think I Thought About Day Six while basking in the glory of my newly H-Deified 62” of Awesome television and counting down the minutes until I can get back to watching IMAX movies on Discovery HD. Technology is grand.

1. I am Tomatoless. In the words of the puppet Kim-Jong Il, I’m Ronerryyy....Oh, so Ronerryyy. Here all alone, LIVE from my living room with not a roommate to be seen. Did I mention that my TV is big. Clearly, I’m overcompensating. Also, 24 is not as much fun when you watch it by yourself. Sigh....

2. Hey, this show is done in REAL TIME. Nice touch, having us pick up right where Palmer 2.0’s speech left off last hour. Honestly, sometimes I lose track of the fact that the show’s in real time, y’know, with all of the teleportation around LA and total disregard for the fact that Jack was in a CHINESE PRISON 6 hours ago.

3. Great Line #11. Yanosh leads the league in Great Lines. I think it’s his pragmatism that makes him so swell. Anyway, the shot about needing “preparatory steps” because “Fayed just killed 12,000 people in less time [then it took to load a musket back when the forefathers were writing the Constitution], without taking aim” was especially convincing. I even almost forgot that Karen Hayes is kinda hot, and that I always side with the hotter girl.

4. CTU- No Hotness Allowed. Woah! Wait? Dare I say it? Did CTU learn from its mistakes and actually install an extra level of security in CTU against moles? What a novel freaking concept. Although, clearly, since they only racially profiled against those of Middle Eastern descent, This Year’s Mole will certainly be a white middle class American. Because 24 teaches us that you can’t spell “Diversity” without “E-V-I-L”. Okay, well. You can. But that’s like, really close. Shut up.

5. Not Dessler, but it’ll do. Aunt Hottie’s got some geeeEEEEE-orgeous baby blues. That is all.

6. So she’s just a slut? Cracked out Reese Witherspoon isn’t a techslut? I thought that M. Moulton, the Evil Brit,’s girl was the replacement techie. I guess now she’s just eye candy. No objections, here. Sweetass Maserati, by the by.

7. AHHHH! I CAN’T ESCAPE WORK!!! Bald Bad’s getting all up M. Moulton’s grill (over the phone, no less) about “Have you found an engineer yet?!?!?!?!” and I’m totally having flashbacks to every attempt I’ve ever made to find a family practice expert to review one of my cases. FP’s and oncologists are like, impossible to find. Ortho’s are a pain, too. I’m just saying.

8. Needless Bureaucratic Melodrama drives me nuts. MMM can’t get any work done because Hotness is pulling the whole operation down because she doesn’t have security clearance. MMM goes to Bill Buchanan in order to get the problem fixed, just like he should, and he’s getting the runaround from Bill and Hotness. Why, exactly, do we need to hide the reason for Hotness’s inefficiency from her direct supervisor, again? I mean, didn’t we just establish that everyone universally agrees that the rule sucks? So why hide the reality that Hotness’s hands are tied from everyone who needs to know? To protect her feelings? Whatever, this is CTU—I’m pretty sure that the CTU crest has We Don’t Care About Your Feelings emblazoned in Latin across the bottom. This is dumb.

9. Crap. MMM just took a moral stand and gave Hotness his passcode. This is going to end well {insert sarcasm here}.

10. Walid: Muslim Patriot. Hey, this Walid undercover stuff really isn’t all that bad. The play-by-play by Aaron West Coast and Mrs. Tidwell is beyond tedious, though. I can tell what’s going on, dammit!

11. Great Line #12. “What are you smoking?!?” Well played, Yanosh. In fact, this whole back and forth between Karen and Yanosh is money. We picked up Great Lines like “Do you want to get in the ring with me, Tom?” “You’re a sunuvabitch!” and (in response) “I never claimed otherwise”. It’s GREAT to see that someone in the CTUniverise if finally standing up to cheap political gamesmanship! You go, Karen!

12. Crap (again). Yes! Karen’s pulling a Kresgy and is headed straight to the office of Palmer v. 2.0 in order to rat out Yanosh! Wha? She...she’s resigning? Karen...., dammit!

13. Acting like King David! That a way, 2.0! Don’t accept her lameass excuse of “personal reasons!” See, I told you that 2.0 could actually be a leader. He’s going to get all Palmeresque 2: This Time It’s More Palmeresque, and deny Karen’s resignation! Wha? He...he’s letting her go??? Wayne! You loser. Dammit!

14. The movie that came and went in the time it took me to write this review. “Breach,” eh? Laura Linney. Chris Cooper. King David Palmer. This movie will be exceptional. Too many good actors. Pity I have absolutely no interest in paying money to see it.

15. The NATO Phonetic Alphabet. Apropos of nothing, I love the phonetic alphabet. You know, like when Jack reads a license plate as Yankee Tango Uniform Niner. That’s just cool.

16. It’s trick to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that’s right on time, it’s tricky! Just like Walid: Muslim Patriot! I can’t believe that Random Incarcerated Terrorist #4 fell for it man, the oldest trick in the book! Walid: Muslim Patriot pretended to fall, and somehow stole RIT4’s cell phone. He’s like Linus in Ocean’s 11, or the Artful Dodger! Good stuff. Totally unbelievable good stuff, but no moreso than Jack dodging bullets and shaking off that stab wound in the back of his neck.

17. Ooops. Walid just got caught. Now his ass is getting (literally) kicked. Perhaps he’s a little more Maxwell Smart than James Bond.

18. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot? Seriously, Aaron West Coast’s walkie talkie didn’t work? He and Mrs. Tidwell had to personally save Walid from certain mob-doom? Stupid.

First Appearance: The WTF Moment Award

19. ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. No, really. Has anything happened this hour? Wonder if it’s going to end with James Cromwell calling off the dogs and introducing himself as Jack’s father. Thanks for giving away the ending, fellas. Wow, this is a lot less fun without the Tomatoes.

20. Fresh Meat! Ladies and gentlemen, please meet the newest CTU Perimeter Makers—Curtis’s replacements, AppleJack and One-EyedJack. Nice to have you aboard, boys. Welcome to your first Op. You should know, however, that if you go into that building with Jack, it’s far more likely than not that you’re going to take a bullet. Just a warning. Godspeed.

21. ANOTHER shredding program? Perhaps “Shredding Program” is this year’s “Nuclear Football” –style catchphrase instead of “suitcase nuke,” because this is the second time one’s been referenced. Can I ask a seemingly dumb, rhetorical question, though? Okay—if you have a super-secret shredding program that’s designed to ruin your hard drive and shred all of your super-secret evil documents of terribleness, why, pray tell, would its window stay open on the screen when it’s done and why would it bother to show you a list of the encrypted files and times that they were deleted? Sounds like a pretty shitty program, if you ask me. My money says it comes standard with Windows Vista.

22. Daddy Bauer. Ladies and Gentleman, Philip “Rollo Tomasy” Bauer. Three thoughts: 1) James Cromwell is an exceptionally fantastic actor; 2) His skullet is embarrassing, 3) there’s no way that he’s not really EVIL. As soon as he turns, I’m calling him “Rollo”.

23. Dirty pool. I don’t like Yanosh’s power play over Karen, if only because it morphs him from “Cool, Pragmatic Villain that’s only a villain because he has an unpopular ideology” to “Traditional Mustache-Twirling Two-Faced Bureaucrat 2007”. Also, can someone please tell me what I’m supposed to know Chad Lowe (Yanosh’s flunkie) from?

24. Nothing good ever happens in a 24 Office. In the grand tradition of the Little Blonde Warner shooting everyone, Jack and Audrey under siege, and Robocop getting the drop on Jack last year, we are presented with this week’s DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT: Opie’s Official Heel Turn. I seriously thought that Phil was going to be evil-er than Opie, but they turned it all around on us and Opie went and took Jack and Phil hostage. Sweet. (it’s about time something happened). Oh, by-the-by, Opie killed AppleJack and One-EyedJack. We hardly knew ye. Dammit.

Stats:

Dammits: 1(5) – Jack to Opie.

Terrorist Casualties: 0 (?) Weak, just weak.

CTU Casualties: 3 (?) The aforementioned AppleJack and One-EyedJack, via Opie’s flunkies, and don’t forget Karen’s political career.

Player of the Game: Tough call here. I’m giving it to Tom Lennox, though, if only because he took out Karen and had a crapload of great lines to go with his political maneuvering. That, and he’s been so deliciously annoying/villainous so far. Yanosh is money in the bank.

Final Verdict: 2.5 out of 5 Lynn Kresgy swann dives. Well, I awoke just in time to see Opie’s unexpectedly early major heel turn, so that was cool. I honestly expected that he would manipulate Jack a lot more than he had. I also expected that Phillip would be a lot more dastardly than he is. I guess it’s early, though. All-in-all, this week was a lot of setup. I hope the payoff comes as quickly as Karen’s surrender. Also, Palmer v. 2.0- please sack up soon.

2.06.2007

Late Things: I Suck.

Yes, I know, I know. I'm two weeks behind. Sorry, folks, but the last eight days have been tremendously hectic in a busy way. Long story short, I went to Philly last weekend and needed to get a lot of work done around said excursion. That being said, there might just maybe be an update tomorrow. I was gonna do two tonight, but I just got a ticket to Pens/Predators. There's no way I'm missing this. (Marc, I'm certain that you can understand).

Anyway, I'll whet your appetite with a preview of the fun headed our way thanks to last night's episode. If only Morris knew Spanish...or Mon Calimari.

Until to morrow, fair blogophytes.
-apk

1.29.2007

News Thing: USA Today on the Family Bauer

Before I CTRL-V, consider this a public service announcement that I'm watching the show alone tonight, due to commitments the Tomatoes have. If you'd like to join me in celebrating Jack Bauer in 62" of splendid High Definition, just drop me a line.

Anyway, CLICK ME to read a little something off of the USAToday.com wire:

The Cliff's Notes:

"Graham" is spelled "Graem". I will continue to call him Opie.
Lois from General Hospital's Name is Marilyn. I will call her "Aunt Hottie".
Donald Sutherland was briefly considered to play Jack's Dad.
They "don't know" if they'll do anything else about Josh as Jack Jr. I bet they do.

Enjoy the show tonight!
-apk

PS: Thanks to those I don't know who have been stopping by and perusing. Apparently I've been linked by another 24 blog. That is, in a word, "freakin' cool."

1.25.2007

Cool Thing: Day Six -- Comic Style

THIS is absolutely brilliant, especially the parts that are "edited for content".

-apk

24 TADS: (10:00 AM -- 11:00 AM)

Disclaimer: I missed the first half hour tonight, due to the three-headed monster that was Happy Hour, shitty road conditions, and my stupid attempt at taking the back way to Jerry’s house.

24 Things I Think I Thought About Day Six while my car skids right on past Jerry’s road...

1. I missed the fallout. Yup, I’m late, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t bring any puns. We’re live from the floor of the Casa Tomato living room, where I’m gorging myself on the hoagie that was meant to be Natalie’s lunch and trying to get caught up. Apparently, I missed some cool MacGyver-style action as Jack gathered his courage and saved a helicopter. Way to be, Jack! Also, word has it that Jack’s dad turned up on a contact list with a shady Russian.

2. Plothole: Closed. At least they didn’t try to pull a fast one on us. I’m working via Nat’s recap, here, but from what I understand, since the Terrorist Techie blew himself up, Bald Bad needs a new Component of Doom, and someone to install it. Enter The Evil Brit, who’s supposedly the proverbial “guy who knows a guy”. Fair enough. "The Evil Brit" is not only too vague, but also too long to write, so I’m either going to refer to this dude as M. Moulton. Wait, that's a dig that is too obvious. I'll just call him "Matt M." So it is written, so it shall be done.

3. Undercover Brother. That doesn’t really fit, does it, being that Walid is an Arab, huh? Well, neither does this storyline. Even for 24, it’s pretty far-fetched that he’d be so quickly indoctrinated by captured terrorists on the day of their attack. I don’t care how many times the Feds beat him up (nice trick, though).

4. Jerry’s Quote of the Night. To Mrs. Tidwell: “Quit being a [frakking] attorney!!” Okay, Gerald, if you insist.

5. This is still going on? How many minutes have we wasted on Mrs. Tidwell’s incessant whining to the FBI Agent with a Chip on His Shoulder? That guy’s pretty cool. He calls it like he sees it, and plays it by the book. Now that Our Boy Aaron Pierce is likely in DC with Palmer v. 2.0, I shall refer to FBI Agent as “Aaron West Coast”.

6. The Legend Killer? One of the nameless FBI drones in Walid’s compound looks an awful lot like former WWE Champion Randy Orton. Hey, I’ve got to come up with 24 of these in 30 minutes. They’re not all going to be good.

7. More Great Casting. For those of you that don’t know, Jack’s Dad, Phillip Bauer, will be played this year by James Cromwell. You may know him from Six Feet Under, Babe (the Farmer), Star Trek: First Contact (Zephram Cochrane) and as “Rollo Tomasi” from LA Confidential. Awesome actor. Should be sweet.

Phillip Bauer dances with the Bride on Jack's Wedding Day.

8. DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT TO END ALL DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENTS. Bluetooth Graham, Ron Howard lookalike and the mastermind behind Day Five, IS JACK’S BROTHER!!!!!!! (spoiler). I kid you not, Jerry, Nat, and I simultaneously shouted in astonishment something to the effect of “HOLY [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]!!!!!” when this happened. Masterful, masterful play call, 24 writers. We who are about to die, salute you.

9. Bill Buchanan v. Baltar: Round 1. According to Nat, Bill refused to shake Baltar’s hand when he arrived at CTU. My loyalties are pretty torn here. I guess I’m going to have to trust Bill’s instincts. Also, has there been any comment or backlash re: BlackJack’s death? Also, apparently Morris is pissed that Baltar’s at CTU, too. Tred carefully, Morris, I don’t like you that much.

10. What, Jim Ross wasn’t available? Apparently (maybe “Apparently” is the new catchphrase here, instead of “suitcase nuke,” being that I’m getting all my stuff secondhand tonight), Bald Bad almost hit, or actually did run over a little girl in the street. Obviously, killing 12,000 Los Angelinos with a nuclear bomb isn’t enough to establish that he’s PURE Evil. Normally, when I guy wants to establish a heel turn, they just cut a promo with JR and break his arm or something. This seems a little drastic.

11. Opie is a bad actor. Graham (doesn’t it sound like they’re calling him “Grey”) is great on the phone. “Jack..wow. it’s like, so great that you’re home. Listen, we tried really hard to get you out of China—wait, hold on, I’ve got a call coming in...” Actually, it’d be pretty great if he put Jack on hold just to screw with him.

12. Why did it take me so long to realize this? Opie’s responsible for President Palmer’s, Tony’s, and Doe-Eyes’s deaths. There is hell to pay.

13. Lois Quartermain? Holy schnikies! Opie’s wife is Lois from General Hospital. Sadly, Gooder was the only other friend I have that noticed this. We are two very lame guys. I blame our sister for making us watch that particular soap back in the day. Yinz might remember her from the Saved By the Bell episodes where the gang helped Kelly’s uncle’s Hawaiian hotel, and the natives mistook Screech for an embodiment of their chief god. She and Zack had a thing, but she also had a kid. I’d rank her behind Stacey Corosi, but slightly above the wheelchair-bound girl and the homeless girl(tie) in the list of Zack’s lost loves. She was infinitely better than Tori, for the record. But I’m sure that goes without saying. (By the way, Zack’s WIKI page may be the best of all time, scroll down to "Political Advocacy". I bet Gossler writes this thing himself).

14. Tangled Bauer Lovefest. Clearly, Jack used to tag Lois. Based on his awkward intro to Josh, it’s also pretty clear that Josh is Jack Jr. So this is what we have: Jack used to shack up with Lois, who’s clearly not over him, and that irks Opie, probably because Opie’s been raising Jack’s son as his own. Everyone got that? What is this, The O.C. ?

15. Jerry strikes again. RE: Lois and Jack, “Jack used to bang hot chicks—why’d he marry that ugly [woman]?” (meaning Dead Teri). I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a better question.

16. Great Line # 9. Yanosh just asked Palmer v. 2.0 to grant him the power to commit all kinds of civil rights violations. Karen Hayes left the table in disgust. I can’t believe that Mrs. Tidwell didn’t call in on conference just to whine some more. That being said, when Palmer v. 2.0 said something about projecting an appearance of fear to the public, Yanosh sniped back with a great line, “...let’s face reality – we are afraid.” He’s right wing and a little radical, but I actually like the character. More on this, later.

17. Reese Witherspoon on Crack. Yup, the three of us just spent too much time debating who Matt M.'s girlfriend looks like. This seems to be the girl that’s going to create the New Component of Doom. However, it appears that TechSlut would much rather head to Vegas and cash out while the world goes to Hell. I can’t argue with that logic...

18. NOOOOOOOO! (Bill Buchanan v. Baltar: Round 2). NOOOOO! Don’t send Baltar away to DC and out of our lives!!! You can’t break up the Mega Powers! This basically makes Bill Buchanan into Miss Elizabeth. That blows. Man, I hope he comes back. DAMMIT. Well, at least Bill shook his hand this time. When you've got TC McQueen's respect, you've reached the top.

19. No more red shirts? CTU’s really letting me down. The security guards are wearing white this year. Their old red shirts made them 1) extremely well-dressed security guards and 2) one of the best running gags on the show. That’s just disappointing on levels.

A CTU security guard doing what he does best.

20. Walid’s in? I know I hit on this early, but Walid, Muslim Patriot, was just indoctrinated by the captured terrorist cell when he told one guy Bald Bad’s name. Seriously? I would have thought that terrorist cells would have passwords or something.

21. One punch! One punch! Jack lays out Opie. I only wish he could understand how great that felt, from our vantage point. Also: Nat still loves Jack’s nipples.

22. Jerry’s on Fire. “When they were young, instead of playing cowboys and Indians, did Jack and Graham play ‘terrorist and CTU agent’?” It was also at this point that I called Gooder and told him to pay attention to what happens when little brothers fall out of line. Natalie knew Jack’s next move like Marlon Jackson knew that Tom Brady would choke (like I could resist taking a shot. It appears that Brady just wasn’t handsome enough to pull it out...baha), and she totally predicted that he’d go straight for a lamp cord. I was personally hoping for the Paul Raines Special, but Jack had better ideas, we’ll get to that...

23. Great Line #10. Yanosh might seriously be leading the league with these. When Palmer v. 2.0 started crying about being scared (making me fear that I may have ended the Beta testing phase far too early), Yanosh gave some incredibly solid advice when he told the President that, “bravado would be no more appropriate” than fear. Honestly, I think that Yanosh is just a pragmatist, not a Right-Wing Nutjob. Jerry and I are to starting to come around, and at least appreciate him.

24. PLASTIC BAG FRATRICIDE OF DOOM! God damn that’s sweet. Just in case there were any lingering doubts, Jack is clearly back, friends. Not only did he deliver a couple of hardass lines like “Trust me, I’m not” and, “Not good enough.” but he skipped straight past electro-shock torture and went to trusty asphyxiation. On his BROTHER, no less! Phe-nomenal. A-rugula.

*Bonus observation: Right as Palmer v. 2.0 said the words “barbaric men” the director cut back to Jack’s interrogation. Great juxtaposition, there.

The only Weapon more dangers than RED CUPS OF FURY

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I can’t give you any stats or final verdict, other than to say that the half hour I saw was pretty damn good. I just hope that the Lois/Josh/Opie/Jack quadrangle doesn’t pull anything down.

Oh, and the previews show Opie making a snarky comment about Teri next week. While I applaud him spitting on her grave, I can’t wait to see Jack snap over that one. God, I love this show.

Be good to each other, ‘lest I have to find a plastic bag.

-apk

1.22.2007

24 TADS: (9:00 AM -- 10:00 AM)

Well, this was almost a week ago, and my notes are a little spotty. Here’s hoping that this particular recap doesn’t totally blow. Things should become significantly more focused starting this week, now that we’re back to the normal single-hour format.

Anyway...

24 Things I think I thought About Day Six while silently stewing over the fact that I know how this hour ends already...Dammit.

1. I heart Bill Buchanan. No, seriously, in a totally hetero way. When they finally let him get all TC McQueen (see post below) and he screamed out “We have to do what we’re doing better, and we have to do it faster!” I realized that he’s officially the best Head of CTU since Jack. So there. It’s going to totally suck if he dies.

2. Catch the catchphrase fever! “Suitcase Nuke” is the new “Syntox”. I think next week, I’ll start a running count of “Suitcase Nuke” references.

Public Enemy No. 1

3. Great Line # 7. “You’re Upset”. Morris is an absolute pain-in-the-ass, especially to Middle Management Milo, but I love him for being so blatantly over the top. When MMM found out that Morris wasn’t really doing stuff for Chloe, and he got all up in Morris’s face, I cracked up at this line. PS: CTU, please stop acting like a bunch of junior highschoolers and get your shit together. There are suitcase nukes out there! (See, even I can’t go without using it...)

4. Reach out and Touch Someone. Ahh, the easiest phone call that Palmer v. 2.0 Beta will ever make, “Umm...Jack, sorry we tried to turn you over to die. Way to escape! Anyway, you’re the man now, dogg. So Call the ball. Save the day. See you tomorrow. Outtie.”

5. Just Say NO! Battered wife, thy name is Jack Bauer. Really, Jack, it’s okay—you can say “No” when the country that’s abandoned you begs you to come back and help save the day. You’re surrounded by incompetent fools that are only good at doing one thing: Ignoring you when you’re right. You should just pack it in, find Audrey’s number, and retire to West Bumblefrak, NH, where they think that a suitcase nuke is something Burrows leaves in Bromberg’s luggage after drinking too much in Cancun.

6. Ohhh, Curtis, burn. To paraphrase BlackJack, “Two years ago, you would’ve seen right through Baltar’s b.s.” I love this stuff. Between Jack’s botched interrogation attempt and BlackJack’s steadfast belief that Baltar cannot bet trusted, there’s plenty of doubt whether Jack’s still got “it” or not.

7. Terrorist Transporter Technology. I know we like to play fast and loose with the “real-time” format these days, but Nassir, the Terrorist Techie that was sprung at the end of Hour Three just arrived at Bald Bad’s Warehouse Lair. It’s now 9:08am. He’s all, “Hello, my brother Fayed, I changed clothes and crossed the city on foot in 8 minutes, but I was careful—let’s get to work.” Riiiiiight. Sure, parts of Day One were slow because they stuck to the rules so well, but let’s not overcompensate by throwing everything out the window, I mean really. I’m on the record here, if I hear Bald Bad ask to be “beamed” somewhere, I’m out.

8. Mom & Dad McNiceguy Save the World. Okay, so every moment with Behrooz and Wussy McNiceguy is a moment of my life I can’t get back. That being said, I kind of like the “Mom and Dad v. the Terrorists” portion of this particular subplot. Jerry seems to think that they should just call the cops and be done with it, Nat and I would not be so quick to involve authorities and risk the life of our kid. However, Jerry’s making a pretty strong argument (based on his experience as Carlisle SWAT team tackling dummy) that the local SWAT unit could bust in and take out Behrooz before he could kill or take Wussy hostage. I’m starting to change my opinion. This is just further proof that Jerry is a much better attorney than I am.

9. Umm, Nicey, it’s 2007. Actually, in the Bauerverse, it’s more like 2011 (seriously, people have figured this out). My point: Nicey McNiceguy is the only person in LA that doesn’t have a cell phone. I seriously doubt that pay phones will even exist in LA by 2011.

10. Another F’ing PARDON?? Woah, there, Palmer v. 2.0 Beta, you just can’t throw pardons around. Jack’s already convinced Baltar that his “Political Reality” is that he has to help America today, or Bald Bad’s going to have his ass on a platter. Why do we need to PARDON the internationally renown terrorist? It’s not like he’s not going to help...sigh. You suck.

11. Great Line # 8. Yanosh to Mrs. Tidwell while she’s trying to give him a Civics lesson over the phone, “...that’ll make a splendid law review thesis...[but we’ve got a country to run, so shut up...click]” Which is exactly how I feel about this storyline. Mrs. Tidwell sucks. If there’s got to be an Annoying Female Palmer in the cast, I’d rather have Sherri (and that, my friends, is saying something.).

12. PS: I’m reporting you, Tidwell. Really, I’m pretty sure that the Rules of Professional Conduct say that she can’t be her boyfriend’s lawyer. You’re not supposed to have sexual relations with your clients.

13. Behrooz, you have outlived your usefulness. Clearly, there’s no way that Behrooz is going to kill Wussy. He doesn’t have it in him. It is at this point that I no longer care how this plays out... Okay, so he got shot. Whatever. Nice job, CTU meatface with a happy trigger finger. Why don't you know how to shoot for the leg?

14. Prepare Pardon re: Baltar (.7). They whipped that little pardon up pretty quickly, didn’t they? Not to mention Baltar’s flipping through a 28 page document that was prepared in about 34 minutes. It's like the AG's office keeps a folder full of "Bauer Deals" templates saved as Word Macros and just fill in the blanks. Kind of like when I do a MTC Discovery. And what did they do, fax it to Wussy’s HP Pavillion and print it out on the McNiceguy Family Bubblejet 3000?

15. Wussy = Useful? Wussy has just trumped “Derek: The Boy Hostage,” who was captured in the airport and made to wet himself in Day Five. Yes, folks, Wussy has saved the day, (and perhaps his dad’s life) by remembering that Bald Bad's lair is at 351 Old Mill Rd, Valencia. Unfortunately for Wussy, there’s no such place as Old Mill Rd in Valencia. Oops.

16. I wish this was HBO. Not only do I wish that Jack would have gotten all Cameron Poe during Hour Three and told everyone that he was “Going to save the [Frakkin’] Day”, I really wish that after Wussy asked, “You gonna save my dad?” Jack could’ve just looked at him, and in full Bauer Voice said, “You’re Goddamn right we are...”. I hate broadcast television.

17. 18 minutes left, 15 minutes to Valencia. Well, this one’s heading to a big-time standoff finally. No cliffhanger here.

18. I guess I should write his name down next week. Tidwell’s boyfriend, the interment camp Muslim Patriot, just layeth the smacketh down on Little Miss PolSci. That was great! He’s all, CUT THE CRAP AND GO TO THE FEDS!!! Great little turn there. Shouldn’t this be enough to show that not all Muslims are evil, and that some will be good little Republicans and sacrifice their social freedoms in order to serve the greater governmental good? No? Muslim groups are still going to cry foul? I love this country. By the way, is the word they’re saying that’s a terrorist code “5 Histers” or “5 Visitors?” Because if it’s “Hister” that’s a cute little Nostradamus reference. Wiki it if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

19. BlackJack is Justified. Woah, seriously? That’s what Baltar did to Curtis? He captured his Army-mates, made them renounce America, and then beheaded them on videotape? Jack, that’s not a history, that’s Plutarch’s Alexander the Great. At least that gives us a good, plausible explanation for why Curtis has been acting so out of character all day. Writers, ye are forgiven. As for you, Jack, you’d best not leave BlackJack alone with Bal...tar.... shit.

20. - - - - -. I’ve got no words. Okay, I knew that this was coming, and that it was a standoff where BlackJack had a hostage that Jack needed. Even despite all of that, I was on the edge of my seat and was blown away by the pure drama of it all. I would pay about $600 to find out that Jack was aiming for BlackJack’s shoulder, but that he missed because he’s so out of practice and shattered. That’d be even better. Kudos to BlackJack and Jack for one incredibly awesome scene.

21. Shattered. This has got to be the lowest that Jack can get, after everything that’s happened to him over the last 20 months in China and the Five days of hell beforehand, he can’t take it anymore. Jack’s done. He’s lost his wife, his daughter hates him, he’s lost his second love, he’s lost his best friend, he’s lost the man he respects more than any other, he’s had to kill his mentor, his boss, and his current sidekick. He’s been tortured, killed, tortured again, and then tortured for two years by the Chinese. He’s had his faith in the American Presidency destroyed and learned the harsh lessons of politics in a shades of grey world. He has nothing left to live for, and worse yet, nothing left to die for. He probably wishes he could have just piloted George Mason’s plane into the desert like he wanted to. Now, all there’s left to do is puke, cry, and try to figure out how to stand up.

22. “I’m done”. First of all, it sounds like Bill’s more torn up over Behrooz’s death (update: Kumar has gone to the Big White Castle in the sky) than BlackJack’s death. That’s kind of cold, Bill. “Hey, Jack...come in, let’s talk...it’ll be cool, just don’t shoot me or Chloe.” No more, though. Jack’s done. And who can blame him?

23. “Dear God.” Woah. You said it, Karen. I didn’t realize it until after the tact team had been spotted, but the nuke that Nassir said would be ready (like your eyeglasses) in about an hour, is now ready to go. Nicey’s tied up without a lamp-weapon to be found, and the tact team doesn’t feature anyone who can save the day. I can’t believe it, but they just nuked LA in hour four. Absolutely incredible. I wasn’t spoiled on this one, but I was certainly speechless. Bonus points for the stunned silence of everyone watching as the satellite view showed an incrementally-growing mushroom cloud. Incredible.

24. Beta Testing is Over. Anyone else notice that this was the first time that Palmer v. 2.0 Beta didn’t speak with a whisper, and actually seemed to be authoritative? I honestly believe that this was his galvanizing moment, where he will become a leader. It’s like when Paul Blake helped Edison pass his midterms. The Executive Branch is now, finally, Palmer v. 2.0 Beta’s team, and all the self-doubting is going to stop. As a bonus: the same can be said for Jack. The moment he gives up: a nuke goes off in his backyard. If that’s not a sign from God, nothing is. I fully expect a Colonel Tigh speech from Jack tonight. And if he doesn't give one, I'll quote it anyhow!

Stats:

Dammits: 1(4) -- Like I said, I’ll start keeping track of who says them starting with Hour Five.

Terrorist Casualties: ? (?) Great. I try to keep track, and then a nuke goes off and kills like, a ton of people. Notables: Nassir. Behrooz.

CTU Casualties: ? (?) See above. I’ll track down the website that keeps track of these things and get back on track next time. Notables: BlackJack and Nicey McNiceguy. Dammit.

Player of the Game: BlackJack. The Immutable Law of Curtis Manning: Every time BlackJack goes on an op, he takes a bullet. We know it. Jack knows it. Curtis knows it. I’m pretty sure, though, that BlackJack never thought he’d take one from Jack. In the neck.

All of that aside, though, that was one hell of an acting job. If you gotta go- go out well, don’t get bitched like Tony. Which reminds me, there’s a BONUS.

Line of the Hour: (Again, by Jerry Tomato: “Curtis dying means that they should automatically bring back Tony!”) True that, Gerald. True. That.

Final Verdict: Five out Five Requests for a Hacksaw. Wow, folks—that’s how you wrap a premiere. You give us a climax where Jack has no choice but to kill Curtis, and then, in what should be the denouement, you have Bald Bad set off a nuke in LA. Oh..and then you inform us that there are 4 more “Visitors” left. I won’t question (for now) why Nassir and McNiceguy’s “component” were so important if both were just effectively blown to shit with four nukes still left to detonate, I’ll just focus on how gutwrenching the last four hours have been from start to finish. 20 hours to go? Game on.

1.19.2007

News Thing: Good Grief...

I think i'll reserve commentary here, because one is not supposed to write when one is angry. I will say this, though, the point about the Anglo-American President being the leader of evil last year pretty much sums up why these people need to shut the hell up.

Found on CNN.com today via the AP:

CLIFTON, New Jersey (AP) -- Two years ago, Muslim groups protested when the plot of the hit Fox drama '24' cast Islamic terrorists as the villains who launched a stolen nuclear missile in an attack on America.

Now, after a one-year respite during which Russian separatists played the bad guys on the critically acclaimed series, Muslims are back in the evil spotlight. Unlike last time, when agent Jack Bauer saved the day, the terrorists this time have already succeeded in detonating a nuclear bomb in a Los Angeles suburb.

Being portrayed again as the heartless wrongdoers has drawn renewed protests from Muslim groups, including one that had a meeting with Fox executives two years ago over the issue. (Watch why "24" is worrying Muslims)

"The overwhelming impression you get is fear and hatred for Muslims," said Rabiah Ahmed, a spokeswoman for the Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations. She said Thursday she was distressed by this season's premiere. "After watching that show, I was afraid to go to the grocery store because I wasn't sure the person next to me would be able to differentiate between fiction and reality."

She said the group had a conference call Wednesday with Fox executives to protest the current plot line and request more positive portrayals of Muslims on the show, but was not promised anything.

After a January 2005 meeting with CAIR, Fox aired a commercial in which the show's star, Kiefer Sutherland, urged viewers to keep in mind that the show's villains are not representative of all Muslims.

In a written statement issued late Wednesday night, the network said it has not singled out any ethnic or religious group for blame in creating its characters.

"24 is a heightened drama about anti-terrorism," the statement read. "After five seasons, the audience clearly understands this, and realizes that any individual, family, or group (ethnic or otherwise) that engages in violence is not meant to be typical.

"Over the past several seasons, the villains have included shadowy Anglo businessmen, Baltic Europeans, Germans, Russians, Islamic fundamentalists, and even the (Anglo-American) president of the United States," the network said. "The show has made a concerted effort to show ethnic, religious and political groups as multidimensional, and political issues are debated from multiple viewpoints."

The current season began with Muslim terrorists waging an 11-week campaign of suicide bombings across America, culminating in the detonation of a suitcase-sized nuclear bomb in Valencia, California, about 26 miles north of Los Angeles. Estimated death toll: 12,000.

Watching the show's characters talk about detonating a nuclear weapon a few blocks from where she works unnerved Sireen Sawaf, an official with the Los Angeles-based Muslim Public Affairs Council, and a self-described "huge '24' fan."

"It's a great show, and I do realize it's a multidimensional show that portrays extreme situations," she said. "They have gone out of their way to have non-Muslim terror cells.

"But I'm concerned about the image it ingrains in the minds of the American public and the American government, particularly when you have anti-Muslim statements spewing from the mouths of government officials."

Sohail Mohammed, a New Jersey immigration lawyer who represented scores of detainees caught up in the post September 11, 2001 dragnet, watched the episode depicting the nuclear attack with an Associated Press reporter.

"I was shocked," he said. "Somewhere, some lunatic out there watching this will do something to an innocent American Muslim because he believes what he saw on TV."

Engy Abdelkader, a member of the American Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee from Howell, New Jersey, launched a campaign Wednesday to encourage Muslims offended by the program to complain to Fox.

"I found the portrayal of American Muslims to be pretty horrendous," she said. "It was denigrating from beginning to end. This is one of the most popular programs on television today. It's pretty distressing."

Concerns about Muslims' civil rights, detention of terror suspects in Guantanamo-like holding centers, and stereotyping are given vastly expanded treatment on '24' this year. In one exchange, the show depicts the president's national security adviser challenging the White House chief of staff over the detention of Muslims without criminal charges.

"Right now the American Muslim community is our greatest asset," the security adviser says. "They have provided law enforcement with hundreds of tips, and not a single member of that community has been implicated in these attacks."

"So far," the chief of staff responds.

1.18.2007

24 TADS: (8:00 AM -- 9:00 AM)

24 things I thought I thought about Day Six while trying to digest tremendously tasty Indian (dot not feather) food.

1. Cool Line #4. From Fayed to Palmer v. 2.0 Beta re: failing to release 110 enemy combatants within the hour, our retaliation will be “immediate and devastating”. Man is Bald Bad a great villain.

2. Jack Bauer: Diplomacy Zen Master. So, he may not actually be the Phil Jackson of interrogations anymore, but it sure looks like Jack earned a correspondence course degree in Geopolitical Diplomacy & Negotiations. Who knew there was a University of Phoenix in China? What am I referring to? Why, Jack’s little mini-diatribe to Baltar while riding shotgun in the Toyota Yaris of Freedom ® wherein he explained that, since everyone thinks that Baltar’s responsible for the bombings, his “political reality” is that the enemy of his enemy (CTU) is now his only friend.

3. “Don’t Get Up!” I’d like to believe that Jack stole the Jeep Cherokee of Victory ™ from my little fraternity brother Miles. I’d also like to believe that Miles is still laying in the street, waiting for Jack to give him permission to “Get up,” and that he’ll stay there until Herb, the CTU Janitor comes by.

4. 24 Fast 24 Furious. True fact:* Keifer is really the one driving that Cherokee like NASCAR Bad Boy Tony Stewart on a bender. Cool stuff, there. Tokyo Drift can suck it.

*speculation

5. Hulk Hogan & the Macho Man. Seriously, Jack and Baltar are like the frakkin’ Mega Powers. That plan where Jack crashes into the terrorist then acts like Rube Baker (...tear) just so Baltar can get in his countryman’s good graces and give him a ride to where he wants to go was pure. freaking. genius. I bet Keifer had a blast playing that scene.

Assad and Jack prepare to battle the Ultimate Big Bads:
Nikoli Volkoff and the Iron Sheik

6. Baha. “Bill, it’s Jack. Umm...Assad is driving the Yaris of Freedom and I’ve got it bugged so that we can track the terrorist back to Fayed. You’re welcome...and yes, I’ve been out of a Chinese prison for two hours and fifteen minutes and I’m already better at your jobs than the rest of you combined. Peace.”

7. Line of the Night: Jerry Tomato. So Behrooz tells Nicey McNiceguy that if he doesn’t take his package and obtain the component, he’ll kill Nicey’s kid Wussy, and his wife Nursey. What does Jerry say to the newlywed apple of his eye, British import Natalie Tomato, “I’d sacrifice you to save America, you’re not even a citizen.” Love is in the air, kids. (I give them six months).

8. Great Line #5. “It’s your character flaw, not mine” Chloe tells Morris re: Morris’s problem with Middle Management Milo. That sound you heard was half of all 24 fans breathing a sigh of relief that Snarky Chloe is back.

9. The REAL President. A pan across the Oval Office gives us a view of a few photos of President and Supreme Commander of All that is Right with America, David Palmer. Nice touch.

10. Uh oh. It’s Jack and BlackJack, together again. This means only one thing: BlackJack is taking a bullet. Write that down.

11. What is this, Studio 60? I love Studio 60 and all, but since when do Jack and BlackJack have heart-to-heart’s while cruising for terrorists? And what’s with all the politics? Feels like a desperate attempt to create friction on the Tact Team. I’m not buying it. However, do you think BlackJack is scared out of his gourd that Jack’s going to knock him out again, like the last time he gave Jack a ride? I bet his heartbeat increases every time they approach a stop sign.

12. Way to get your mom killed, idiot. Wussy McNiceguy decides to play hero and grab a knife while fetching Behrooz some painkillers. This is a genius plan on par with Dumb Long-Haired White Kid from Day Five’s genius plan to run headfast into the airport and take on terrorism with Baueresque Bravado. I’m glad that we were able to meet the Dumb Long-Haired White Kid quota early into the day, two Days running. I hate Wussy McNiceguy – he didn’t even have the balls to use the knife!

13. I hate commercials. Not because they’re a break in the action, but because there are so many crappy ones, like the VH1 style McDonald’s commercials that treat a bunch of Dollar Menu hippies like they’re the “Best Week Ever”. Did anyone else notice that commentator Jeremy Miller is Ben Frakkin’ Seaver from Growing Pains? How sad is it that I did? It’s been nearly 20 years since that show went off the air, and he’s still a no-talent douche. It didn’t even seem like he can play “Jeremy Miller!" And on top of that, he’s still got that douchey goatee. I hate commercials, but I would kill to see a GEICO caveman commercial about now.

14. Wake me when it’s over. Mrs. Tidwell’s storyline is already tedious and heavy-handed. I’m bored—and I should never say that during 24. If I want political debate, I’ll watch the Colbert Report.

15. Another commercial? At least this is for something cool. 300, the movie about 300 Spartans and the battle of Thermopolye, is destined to be awesome.

16. Great Line #6. Hotness (Nadia) during the op, “Chloe, blah blah blah cross-reference blah do techie stuff blah.” Chloe: “You mean like I already have?” Awesome.

17. Nothing to see here, we’re incognito. Why do all Feds drive black SUVs? Better yet—why does a CTU Tact Team all roll down one street in a bunch of black SUVs? Can’t the Fed mix it up a little so that, I dunno, they don’t stick out like a sore thumb? Perhaps a Green Blazer, a Black Escalade, and a Blue Mountaineer. Wouldn’t that make a little more sense? Hell, what happened to the Yaris of Freedom? Watching the black SUVs reminded me of the Ninja Hedge from The Tick comic book (a highly recommended read).

From left to right: Jack, BlackJack, Baltar, Chloe, and Bill Buchanan
sneak up on an unsuspecting terrorist.

18. BlackJack: Still a Dick. Baltar’s done nothing to deserve so much blatant distrust, especially not from Mr. I-Do-Everything-By-the-Book. I mean, BlackJack’s so By the Book that Aisha Tyler’s Mole Agent from Day Four probably dumped him because he was boring in the sack, always made her make the bed, and never spoke in anything but his gruff, By the Book monotone voice. It’s totally out of character for him to be so harsh to Baltar, especially considering that a) BlackJack has accomplished nothing today and b) Baltar helped Jack stop a train bombing and helped Jack track the terrorist guy. Can you tell I’m going to be a total Baltar apologist? I hope it doesn’t get annoying.

19. TQ? Bald Bad's men must all read Terrorist Quarterly, because they are the best damn dressed group of henchmen I’ve ever seen.

20. Natural Selection Claims Another One. Please notice all of the boxes of explosives and ammunition behind the terrorist. Then, please note that you’d have to have the IQ of plankton to start firing gunshots into the general vicinity of boxes of explosives and ammunition. Then notice that guy dumb enough to do so, Random CTU Idiot #12, just got himself killed. Darwin strikes again.

21. Tough Choices & Tougher Choices 2: the Sequel. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you the story of Tough Choices & Tougher Choices someday when I finish the Top 24 Awesome Moments. Let’s give it up for Nicey McNiceguy, who was forced to resort to cold-blooded murder in order to protect his family and get the component from the Evil Tech Fiend Collaborator. I felt really bad for him when he had to crack that dude upside the skull. When you think about it, getting me to feel sorry for him was really quite the accomplishment, considering that his storyline has been totally stupid so far.

22. Suitcase nuke = Bad Mamajama. Woah. Bald Bad’s got a frakkin’ nuke! So, he needs the component in order to set it off, but he needs one of those enemy combatants in order to make the component work...so, what you’re telling me is “these bombings were designed to make you free this man.” Holy Crap! What a plan! Bald Bad rules, folks—and that’s your Diamond Cutter Moment.

23. In case you missed it: BlackJack’s still a dick. Okay, okay, we get it. BlackJack hates Baltar for some reason that no one will tell us, which is why he’s acting more angsty than Behrooz. Talk about using the sledgehammer of plot...

24. Nasir is on the loose! Well, that at least made for a good ending. I’d say that the last four minutes were pretty freakin’ awesome, tense, and hardcore, all at once. Does anybody else realize that Bald Bad has played the entire US like fools not once, but twice in the first three hours? So far, the only mistake he made was giving Jack something to live for. Though, I’d say that’s a pretty big mistake.

Stats:

Dammits: 1 (3) – another by Jack, I think (I’ll start keeping track of who said them next week, promise)

Terrorist Casualties: 2 (8) First guy: There goes the boom! Second guy: I’m counting the victim of Nicey McNiceguy

CTU Casualties: 1(2) Our first on the actual payroll: the dumb sniper-agent that got himself killed at the storage place.

Player of the Game: Nicey McNiceguy. Hey, he had nothing to work with, and put in a pretty great performance, nonetheless. I also think that he thought on his feet faster than I could have with the whole “let me see the component” trick. Good for him. Pity his son’s a wuss. (Note: I really wanted to give it to Baltar, but two in a row feels like craziness).

Final Verdict: 2 out of 5 Kim Bauer Cougars Let’s be honest, folks, this hour kind of sucked. It wasn’t totally bad—Jack’s “Grand Theft Auto” moment was fun and the last four minutes were a madcap romp of intensity, but just about everything else was meant to be a breather that started to set up the plot. It did a pretty good job of it, but if my notes (and by extension, this pitiful recap) are any indication, nothing much of interest happened. At least Hotness was still Hot. Doesn’t mean I can’t wait for hour four to start after the commercials, though!

Part Four tomorrow.

-apk

1.17.2007

24 TADS: (7:00 AM -- 8:00 AM)

24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six While Reveling in How Good it Felt to Know that the Ravens have been Eiminated...

1. This season’s XBOX sport of choice: Soccer. That’s right, instead of trying to find a way to shut down Jay Cutler with the Nits’ defense, Jerry and I have started playing FIFA Soccer. Though I started off terrorizing him with Thierry Henry and my Gunners, I ultimately lost every head-to-head affair. Now we’re playing as teammates. After some unsuccessful attempts with Team USA, we decided to use the English to embarrass the French. It was pretty fun, and some guy named “Owen” had a hat trick. Bully for you, Owen! I know only Marc cares about Jerry and I playing XBOX games (Nat certainly hates it), but whatever, I have NINETY-SIX of these things to write.

2. That’s Anti-Climatic, “A-n-t-i...”. What? The Bald Bad just LET JACK GO? That sucks. I can’t argue with his henchman’s logic: “We’re not here to kill one American, we’re here to kill all Americans” but dude, have you watched 24 ever? Just by leaving Jack alive, you’re endangering the mission. Idiot. Bald Bad should’ve shot henchman for his insolence, especially considering how wounded Jack is.

3. Wait, I’m not done. See, Jack couldn’t have gotten far, it’s not like his lungs are in shape. Did the Chinese have him on a treadmill for the last two years? I don’t think so. Nor do I think that he could run around so easily after having been stuck in the back with...whatever it is that Bald Bad stuck in his back. What’s that? “Suspension of disbelief,” you say? Oh, I forgot. It’s 24. I just have to roll with it. Sorry—it’s early in the season. Won’t happen again.

4. Jack Bauer Paint Can of DOOM! Why a paint can? That was random, if not absolutely cool. Okay, this is better, Jack’s barking on a telephone and no one believes all of the absolutely spot-on correct information he has gleaned from Bald Bad. Everything’s back to normal. Glad that didn’t take long.

5. Eww...that’s one gross-acidy hand. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Jack put on a black Luke Skywalker glove and ran around all day Jedi Knight style? At the very least, I wouldn’t want to vomit every time he holds up a telephone.

6. Wait wait wait wait wait, Wayne—think. Listen. If you blow up all the terrorists that have come in peace, then you galvanize all the evil ones that believe there can never be peace with the West. You idiot. You are so not David Palmer, and are obviously nothing more than a Beta release, still in testing. Wayne Palmer, I dub thee “Palmer 2.0 Beta,” at least until you show me something.

7. Woah, Behrooz is dark. I’m using italics quite a bit today, huh? Oh well. Anyway, Evil Cliché Line #1 was muttered by Behrooz, who gives us, “It’s been crazy for a long time, you just haven’t been paying attention...” A cool moment that was instantly destroyed by TKSH, aka, Wussy McNiceguy, son of Nicey McNiceguy, when Wussy tried to give Behrooz some stupid good luck charm that he won at a county fair. You just know that Behrooz wanted to say, “Dude, what’s wrong with you? You think I want some piece of hippie jewelry just because you feel bad about racism? Bite me.”

8. “Drop the coffee.” That’s just awesome. Not only did Jack just attack a dude with a freakin’ log while some high quality John Williamsesque music signals that things are about to get hectic, but he also managed to make us all laugh at the same time. Chuck Norris only made me laugh when he beat up Joe Piscopo in Sidekicks. And it was Piscopo that carried the scene.

9. You’re damn right you know Jack Bauer, Dr. Bashir! So Jack busts right in the front door of the terrorist safe house and draws his gun on Faux Bad, Hassad. Hassad, of course, informs Jack that he knows who Jack is. If anyone wants to know Hassad’s motivation to disarm and have peace with the West, there it is. He has heard the Kaiser Soze-like Ballad of Jack Bauer, which parents tell their children so they don’t grow up to be terrorists or CTU agents, and he knows better than to go on being EVIL. Geek Moment: I spent two days trying to figure out how I recognized Hassad, turns out he’s the same guy that played “Dr. Julian Bashir” on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I was never much of a DS9 fan, but it also explains why Hassad reminded me so damn much of Dr. Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica. It’s because Bashir and Baltar look a ton alike. So there you have it. I’m not nuts. And Assad (or is it Hassad???) will hereby referred to as “Baltar”.

10. Apache helicopters are the motherfrakkin’ shit. It’s true, it’s damn true. They always look beyond cool, so long as Nic Cage isn’t flying one and Sean Young’s nowhere to be seen. That movie sucked. This scene didn’t. High-Def explosions are Comcastic! I can’t wait until my HD box arrives on Thursday.

11. Good Morning Class, I’m Mrs. Tidwell, Welcome to PolSci 304: the First Amendment. Yup, Sandra Palmer is played by Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Junior)’s wife in Jerry McGuire. You know, I hate that movie. But that’s another rant for another time. Apparently, Mrs. Tidwell works for the Islamic-American Alliance. And in the 24 universe, that’s a good as place as any as to start looking for terrorist connections. In the real world, this is an obvious, unfortunate case of racial profiling. Anyway, Mrs. Tidwell’s going to overwhelm us with heavy-handed Constitutional Law lessons. I’m a lawyer, and this is tedious. I can’t imagine what it must be like for those that could care less. (Full Disclosure: I got a C- ..or maybe a D, I’ve blocked it out, in 1^st Year Con Law. Oops.)

12. Symbolism Rules. What’s better than watching Jack and Baltar torture a suspect in front of an American flag? Knowing that the next owner of that house is going to find a dead Terrorist in his kitchen. Which begs the question, does Jack have to go back the next day with CTU, retrace his steps, and help them find all of the bodies and property damage that he leaves in his wake? There should be an extra on the DVDs detailing the job of Herb, head of CTU’s Cleanup Crew, and his neverending battle against Bauerd corpses.

13. The Zen Master. Jack has been to the mountaintop in China. He has become the Phil Jackson of Torture. He can see in the perp’s eyes that there’s no more information to be had, as the all-knowing Jack is truly enlightened. Huh? Baltar got him to talk before he murdered him? Just by sticking a knife in the dude’s knee? Dammit. Jack...Jack, buddy? You’ve not lost it have you? What’s that? You “don’t know how to do this anymore.” Help me out, Baltar..”You’ll remember”. Well played, good sir. It’s official, Baltar’s cool as all get-out. Also, Jack blowing that call is this Hour’s Diamond Cutter Moment.

14. Soft or shattered? And is there a difference? Jerry says Jack has gone soft. I say he’s merely been shattered, and will eventually pull himself together. In fact, that’s what this entire Day will be about: Jack finding a reason to live. Debate in the comments.

15. Reason #649 why we need 24: The Movie to come out tomorrow. A Hannibal Lector prequel? Why? Someone help me, I really don’t think that he’s all that compelling of a character. Then again, I didn’t like The Silence of the Lambs all that much, and thus, have not bothered with any of the other Lector films. But seriously, is there anyone out there that really wants to watch Kid Hannibal? I’m curious.

16. Time flies. What? There’s only 19 minutes left? Nat’s right—this is the fastest two hours of my life. I’ve not even drinken that much...why am I staying over again?

17. Rube Baker: American Hero. Behrooz sends Rube back to Omaha, and he doesn’t even live there. For the record: He was totally right about Behrooz. We hardly knew ye, Rube.

18. Woah. Behrooz is Angsty. Behrooz is kind of overtly-over-intense here, isn’t he? Glad to see he hasn’t missed any melodrama classes in-between making such incredible movies as Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj and appearing as “Quiet Douchey Henchman” in Superman Returns. Sigh.

19. Baltar’s Terrorist Gaydar. “Look—Jack, he’s wearing a BOMB VEST!!!” That’s just awesome. Now that my disbelief is safely suspended, I love that Baltar has Terrorist Spider-Sense and can just set ‘em up while Jack knocks ‘em down!

20. Natalie likes Jack’s nipples. I got nuthin’.

21. “No Ticket.” Like Indy, Jack tries the direct approach. “I’m Jack Bauer blah blah blah Federal Agent blah blah terrorist blah blah no sudden moves blah blah I don’t have a ticket blah blah move along.” Seriously, that was so totally Jedi Mind Trick that Jack really needs to get a black glove. What a cool moment of levity moments before it hits the fan.

22. Jack-Fu. So Jack grabs the guy’s tie, jerks the guy’s head into the train pole, and kicks the terrorist out of the back of the train as the bomb goes off. Sweet. Props to whoever wrote/choreographed that sequence. I also like that Jack was a little bit overwhelmed by this random henchman, just another subtle nod that he’s still not at full capacity.

23. Why don’t I have PCS Vision!?! Man! Jack has Sprint PCS vision and can find wherever he’s going, whenever! Why don’t I have that with my Sprint service plan??? What? It’s like, 8 cents for every 2 KB of information you download to your phone? Umm..i’ll stick with my CTU Text Message Ringtone, thanks.

24. It’s inconceivable that the country made it 20 months without Jack. Seriously, kids, you cut a deal with Fayed just today and gave him access to all of your satellites. And you believed that he was trustworthy? Are you kidding me? The country is run by idiots. Thank God we have Jack back to save us.

Stats:

Dammits: 1 (2) –this one by Jack, I think.

Terrorist Casualties: 5 (6) 1 lost a PCL to a log; 2 died at Baltar’s safe house, 1 was killed by Baltar during interrogation, and 1 was blown up real good when Jack kicked him out of the train.

CTU Casualties: 1 (1) Rube Baker: American Hero. If he wasn’t CTU, he should’ve been.

Player of the Game: Baltar. He started Jack on the road to snapping out of it and used his Spider-Sense to find the Evil Midday Bomber What Bombs at Midday. I don’t trust him, but I like him an awful lot.

Final Verdict: Four out of Five Disembowling Towels of DOOM. Overall, this was another madcap hour to bring us the halfway point of the Premiere Even of Awesomosity. More good stuff, and it was absolutely pleasing. I’m mostly glad that they got Jack back into action and out of Fayed’s hands quickly and efficiently, while coming up with the great “Jack team’s up with the Terrorist with a Heart of Gold” angle. Here’s hoping it only gets better from here.

Be good to each other, see you tomorrow

-apk

1.16.2007

24 TADS: (6:00 AM -- 7:00 AM)

Well that was quite the ride, wasn't it? Okay, the notes have been taken, and I've got 96 Things to say About Day Six. There's no way in hell I can do them all at once. So, I'm going to try to break these down by hour and give you one a day until the end of the week. Then, hopefully, I'll finish up the Top Six Awesome Moments of Days One through Five sometime this weekend. With any luck, it'll be next Monday before we know it.

Seriously...that was four phenomenal hours of television.
Now, awayyyyy we go!

24 Things I thought I thought while realizing that Tom Brady is just Too Handsome to Lose Football Games...

1. Viewer Discretion is Advised. In HD, no less! We're live from the Hotel Tomato, my official living space for the next 19 Monday nights. Beside me are the Tomatoes, Jerry and Nat, as I nurse some Miller Lites, munch on Sour Skittles, and take in the glory of Bauer in 54" of HD fantasticness. I will admit, however, that I'm slightly disappointed in the lack of "Due to Graphic Violence" in front of the advisement.

2. The Setup: Series of Bombings, 900+ Americans dead in 11 cities. Jerry and I had a quick discussion about this last night. We agreed that if terrorists really wanted to get to us, they should attack all over the damn place, not just big targets in NYC. In short, bad guys, if you want to get your point across, scare middle-America. Anyway, the intense shots of random-hatred and suspicion of Muslims is sadly accurate and perfectly presented in a way that quickly establishes one simple fact: America is on Edge.

3. Yanosh! Hey, it's Yanosh from Ghostbusters II (and apparently Ally McBeal) playing the role of "Mike Novick meets Slimy Miles from last season". Apparently, his character's name is Tom Lennox. But being this 24TADS, he will be known as "Yanosh" from here on out (and yes, I realize that I'm spelling it phonetically). Say it with me folks, "De Uffer Vest Side?"

4. Great Line #1. "Security has it's price." "So does Freedom, Tom". Burn, Palmer v. 2.0! Brother Wayne seemingly establishes himself as the rightful successor to the David Palmer legacy. Or so I thought...

5. Big Bad #1. Hamin Al-Assad. He has been quickly established as our Big Bad. Of course, this means that he is not the Big Bad. Bank on it.

6. Middle Management Milo. MMM to his friends, Milo from Day One has returned! Fun Fact: Milo is the first person to be turned into a vampire on the Buffy TV Series. These are the things I know that make me a dork. Anywho, I'm glad to see him back, and I'm glad to see Morris, too! I was hoping that Morris would be back this year, and I already love their interaction.

7. "You're a hot-tie". English accents make everything sound better. I love that Morris is the only person that can get to Chloe and make her melt. By the way, Brunette Chloe's just not working for me.

8. Nadia- YOUR Mole Watch Frontrunner. Sprout, who's hopefully a 24 convert, states the obvious: Nadia is hot. (Note to self: Self, get to work on Top 10 hottest 24 girls). She's also apparently Arabic, which means she's the CTU Mole Favorite at this point. There's got to be one, right? I'm not really buying that anyone else would be... thoughts? (Also, if you're wondering, Nadia has played the role of "Audrey Griswald" in Vegas Vacation, and had some guest spots on some show you don't watch.)

9. Jack: Rescued! Okay, not really. He's just...umm...gonna kind of walk off of the plane. Can you spell, "anti-climactic". Is there anyone that wouldn't have loved to see a season that entirely focuses on the op that saves Jack? That would've been freaking awesome. I guess we're going to go in the direction of "dealing with the aftermath of the character changing experience is more interesting than dealing with the character changing experience." I can't necessarily argue, so long as stuff still blows up but good. BTW: What did Palmer v. 2.0 have to get up to get him?

10. HASN'T SAID A WORD IN TWO FRAKKIN' YEARS. 'nuff said.

11. McQueen and Blackjack are Jerks. Seriously, can we give Jack a burger and a massage, maybe? Instead, Bill ("TC McQueen") and Curtis ("BlackJack") are just like, "Hi Jack, sorry the last two years sucked, and sorry that we ...umm..didn't try to save you and all...but...umm..can you get cleaned up really fast and go save the day...by dying?" I'd tell them to go to hell, and when they got pissy, I ask them what they're going to do --put me back on the plane? But that's just me, and I'm kind of a wuss.

12. "Audrey?" First word in 20 months. You damn right I swooned. I am such a girl.

13. HD is Amazing. No, seriously, everything looks moodier and better and cooler and awesome. Also pretty cool, "You don't need your firearm, Curtis." (If only Blackjack would've listened later...)

14. Bill and Karen are married! You know what, I love this play. First off, Karen Hayes is pretty hot for an old chick. Secondly, it was a great little moment last year when Bill asked her out for coffee at the end of the day. I'm glad they followed up. So long as this is the only "I really miss you" cheesy phone call of the day, I'm totally behind this character development, even though it means one of them is destined to die.

15. Bald Bad's Dead Brother. I don't buy for a minute that Jack was ever sloppy to the point that he killed a guy during an interrogation. Maybe if it was when Jack was a rookie, or maybe if he was torturing Chuck Norris. Otherwise, I don't see him screwing up that badly. Ah well, at least it gives Bald Bad some motivation.

16. Great Line # 2. "It's a desperate measure, but it's a measure of our desperation." Honestly, I forgot to write down who said this one, Yanosh of Palmer v. 2.0, but in any event, it was one of those great quips where you turn a cliché inside out and make it work for you. And if it's a cliché in and of itself, I've never heard it used before. Great writing, there.

17. Great Line #3. "I'm sorry Jack..." "Don't be." "Today, I can die for something, my way, my choice...to be honest, it'll be a relief." This exchange between Bill and Jack perfectly established just how shattered Jack is. How he just doesn't want to go on anymore. It also perfectly establishes why Jack later decides to escape and kick ass. More great writing.

18. Hey Pedro, I Made the Rooster! Okay, I stole that from whomever (my money's on Gooder) posted the comment, it was too funny not to. In about 15 seconds, we established roles for Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, The Kid from Sky High (TKSH), and RUBE BAKER from Major League II and Major League: Back to the Minors. Rube Baker making it back into our living rooms as a Muslim-hating construction worker neighbor of doom is one of the great upsets in TV so far this year. As for Kumar, it's nice to see that Behrooz found a new family and is living the sweet life in Southern California's beautiful, San Fernando Valley... (that was in honor of Yanosh).

19. I Heart Morris O'Brien. You know, in a totally hetro way. Clearly, he adores Chloe and will do anything to make things better for her. Thus, he highjacks a private satellite and starts to track Jack. The terrorists will never know...what? Shit. They saw that one, too? WHO GAVE THEM ACCESS TO EVERYTHING?!?!!? Well, there's YOUR Diamond Cutter Moment for Hour One.

20. McQueen Serves the O'Briens. "You may have sacrificed Jack for nothing!" That moment of Bill storming into CTU and chewing out Chloe ("I'd rather not [look you in the eye], sir") was classic TC McQueen, and great stuff from Buchanan. More of this is encouraged. There aren't enough good hardass leaders at CTU, which is why it always sucks.

21. Bald Bad Inadvertent Mistake #1. Oops. Fayed ("Bald Bad"), in grandiose Bond-villain fashion, tells a captured Jack his entire plan, then makes the fatal mistake of informing Jack "I just want to die for something instead of nothing" Bauer that "You will die for nothing." This will not end well for terrorists. And this is a great way to give Jack a reason to escape and kill. Awesome writing. (Also, told you so re: Assad).

22. KUMAR is EVIL!!!! (spoiler). Yup, Kumar has officially become Behrooz. Good twist, there. Can't say I saw it coming. Also, please note that Rube Baker was right, and he should instantly be offered a position with CTU.

23. My Appetite is Insatiable... MAN, I want all 24 of these to run tonight. I'd stay up. Tell me that you wouldn't...

24. And So is Jack's. GREATEST ESCAPE EVER! Even though Nat tried to ruin it for us by explaining that an arm cuff won't measure the EKG, I don't care. In a moment that harkened back to his Lost Boys days (Credit: My Old Boss, Barb) Count Jackula (credit: Jerry) just BIT THROUGH A RANDOM VILLAIN'S NECK, stole the handcuff keys, and escaped into the drainage system. Are you kidding me???? Plus, he memorized the location of Faux Bad, Assad, and is off to save the day! IT. IS. ON.

Jack's Back, Baby!

Stats:

Dammits: 1 (1 for the year) -- Bill Buchanan

Terrorist Casualties: 1 (1 for the year) – Jack Eats a Jugular

CTU Casualties: 0 (0 for the year) – way to go, guys!

Player of the Game: JACK – HE ATE HIS NECK. (Also, he never cracked in China, gave himself a haircut, shower, and shave in 6 minutes, and uncovered the real Big Bad—all in one hour, and he did it as a shattered shell of his former self.)

Final Verdict: Four out of Five Bold George Mason Sacrifices. Overall, way a great, super-fast way to get the ball rolling, get Jack back in action, and introduce our first Big Bad of the season. That felt like six hours of stuff jam-packed into 1, and I can't wait for the commercials to end!

Special Thing: Why I Love Bill Buchanan in 3:19

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Col. Tyrus Cassius McQueen at his finest. A little bit of TC McQueen has already come out in Bill Buchanan during the first four hours. As TC McQueen is one of my Top 10 favorite television characters, this excites me to no end. So go watch the clip and come back, i'll wait...

...

...awesome, huh? (and sorry it's a link, and not a cool embedded YouTube screen, i'm trying to figure out how to do that, but Blogger's not helping).

For the record, he flys out of the ship, tracks down Chiggy Von Richtofen (the alien Red Baron), avenges the death of his friend with badass flying manuevers and a couple of missles, and then returns to base and polishes off the aforementioned bottle of scotch. I love TC McQueen.

-apk

1.15.2007

Next Morning Thing

So, I owe you the Top Six Moments and 48 Things About Day Six...

crap.

It was a busy weekend, and now I'm trying to burn through today so I can go hang out with Jerry before the EARTH SHATTERING TWO HOUR SECOND PART OF THE PREMIERE EVENT OF AWESOMENESS. So you're just going to have to wait.

Anyway, whet your appetite with random bits of fun information like: Fayed ("Bald Bad") is from the Greater Pittsburgh Metroplex and 24 now has TWO Major League alumni to its credits thanks to "Rube Baker, where are you now?". Awesome.

All-in-all, last night was two of the fastest hours ever, and it was pure badassedness. I'm quite enjoying the Good Terrorist, Assad (who looks like Baltar from Battlestar Galactica and will be referred to as "Baltar" henceforth) and a completely shattered Jack. In fact, I'm already having 24 dreams, which are really cool dreams to have. Also- you go, Bill Buchanan!

So yeah, good stuff. More later.

-apk

1.11.2007

News Thing: Toy With Jack At Your Own Risk

Well, THIS will likely end up next to my 1985 Millenium Falcon toy and classic Dirk Benedict "Starbuck" figure.

Kinda sucks there's no Tony Almeida with "Gimp-tastic Broken Ankle Action and Cubs Coffe Mug Grip", President Palmer with "'SAVE ME FROM WHAT'" Button-Activated Voicechip" or Marwan with "Run Up the Stairs to Elude Capture" strategem figures. It's just all Jack, all the time. For now.

...counting down the days until the Audrey figure is released,
-apk

24 Awesome Things: Part Three

You know, friends, you're allowed to comment. The interactivity of the Interweb is what makes the information age better than, say, the Cenozoic. I know big words. And paleontology. Anyway, let's get to it, shall we?

12. Aaron Pierce: "Yo, Wolf Face. I'm Your Worst Nightmare. Your Ass is Mine."

How freaking awesome was this moment? Remember when Martha Logan hopped into the limo with the Russian First Family because she actually thought that POTUS wouldn't let her die. WOOPS! That one didn't work out so well, did it Marty? Anyway, so while POTUS and (if memory serves) Walt Cummings are weeping and holding each other while POTUS waits to become a widower, the limousine caravan is attacked, Clear & Present Danger-style by the Militant Ruskies of Doom. Everything's about to go straight to hell, until Aaron Pierce, the Purest-Hearted-Man-in-America/True Patriot Champion steps up, kicks ass, and saves the day. To be honest, I can't remember the specifics. I can remember that it was awesome. Good enough for me. Aaron's the man. In fact, I like to believe he's what Captain America would be like if he hadn't frozen in the Atlantic at the end of World War II.

11. Jack Bauer: Saving America by Beheading Pedophile Snitches

Though I can't understand why, Jack was in a pretty bad place after Teri bit it. Instead of drowining himself in booze and women while writing Nina a daily Thank You Card for freeing him of his whiny, stupid, pixi-haird albatross, he left CTU, grew a beard, dressed like a hobo, started popping pills, became estranged from his daughter, and started living in some P.O.S. apartment in the San Fernando Valley (or Compton. Whatever). As Day Two began, all we could ask was, "What happened to our hero?" and "What can possibly bring him out of his doldrums?" It seemed Jack was just going to spiral down into loathsome pit of self-loathing. And that's bad. Then: his country called.

A pedophile mob boss was brought in for questioning, and after George "Basil Exposition" Mason firmly established that the hooligan had already cut a deal and would be free to prey on little kiddies again, Jack, still broken and emotionally scarred, flipped the Bauer Switch to the "on" position, shot the bastard point-blank in the chest, and informed Mason that "I'm gonna need a hacksaw" so he could cut the dude's head off and use it as a free pass so he could join a minuteman cell. As the hour draws to a close, Jack shaves the hobo-beard and symbolically establishes that, like a Phoenix (or some other city in Arizona), the old Jack may have died, but the new Jack has risen. And he's pissed. Really, I'm pretty sure that this story is the first chapter of "Chicken Soup for the Super Agent's Soul".

(It should be noted that this scene is so perfect that it was blatantly stolen this past fall by the other Best Show on TV, Battlestar Galactica when Starbuck cut her hair with a combat knife.)

10. POTUS IS EVIL ?!?!?!?!?

I remember telling a friend of mine about this Incredible Diamond Cutter Moment the day after it happened. She had been watching the show for a while, but had given up on it. When I told what had happened, she said, plain as day, "This is why I don't watch that show anymore. It's ridiculous". Needless to say, we are no longer friends.

Really, if I have to explain to you how improbable/ballsy/awesome it was to reveal that POTUS Logan, the spineless bastard to end all spineless bastards, was actually EVILLLLLL all along, and that he was behind the deaths of Palmer, Doe-Eyes, and (essentially) Tony, then you probably shouldn't be here.

9. Jack Bauer: Father of the Year/Kim Avenges Zack Morris

"Kim, shoot him. Now, shoot him again." Jack is the Best. Dad. Ever. No, seriously. Did any of your dads ever let you shoot your boss? I didn't think so. So we've reached the end of Kim's Incredible Misadventure in Babysitting and freakin' Gary Matheson has been chasing the poor girl all over SoCal. He finally catches up to her when she's dumb enough to go BACK TO HIS HOUSE. Worse yet, Kate "I've Generally Got My Shit Together" Warner thought that this was a good idea. Obviously, Kate was trying to gain Kim's acceptance by acting as dumb as Kim's dead mom. Fair enough, Kate. Wouldn't have been my plan, but I've been single since the Clinton Administration, what do I know? Though, I wonder why Jack dumped you before Day Three? I digress.

So yeah, Gary Matheson finds Kim in his house, chases her around, and Kim eventually shoots him dead while on the phone with Jack, who goes so far as to give her instructions on how to use the gun, then tell his Kimmy-girl to be sure to put an extra round in the Garmeister for the sake of thoroughness. These are not the life-lessons one gets when his father is a machinist, let me tell you that. I mean, my dad only ever taught me how to change an alternator. Useful, but what happens when the guy I used to babysit for tries to kill me? Then what do I do, dad?

I guess by now you're wondering what all the talk about Kim "Avenging Zack Morris" is about, huh? I suppose I should explain: up until, oh, yesterday, when I decided to fact-check, I was convinced that Gary Matheson was played by the same douchebag that stole Kelly from Zack in Saved by the Bell. You know, Jeff. HATE that guy. He and Francisco Cabrera a responsible for destroying two of my three biggest childhood dreams: 1) that the Pirates would win a World Series and 2) that Zack would win Kelly, forever, over Slater, and that 3) I'd marry Belinda Carlisle. You can imagine my excitement when Patrick Muldoon (the guy who played Jeff) had his brains sucked out by the Brain Bug in Starship Troopers after he pulled the same shit and stole Denise Richards from Johnny Rico. In fact, if Starship Troopers is on, I'll watch it just to see three things: 1) Michael Ironsides, 2) breasts, and 3) Jeff having his brains sucked out. Imagine my disappointment when I learned during my aforementioned fact check that some dillweed named "Billy Burke" was Gary Matheson. "Well," I thought to myself, "at the time, I thought Kim had avenged Zack, so screw it! This moment is still awesome." And now here we are.

8. Jack Interrogates Nina

We'll get more into Nina a little lower on the list (like you didn't think that was coming). Since that last one was so long, I'll try to sum up here. The awesome parts about Jack interrogating Nina in CTU during Day Two: A) The INCREDIBLE shot where she's being brought in, and Jack sees her for the first time, B) Jack flips over the table and pushes Nina's chair by her neck all the way up against the wall, C) Jack shoots the wall right beside her head and scares the shit out of her. D) Jack checking back and forth with George Mason, convincing him that everything's under control, even though you don't believe him, while he gives orders like, "turn the temperature up three degrees". All phenomenal. In a series full of tremendous interrogations, this one takes the cake. And it's all capped off by their plane ride later, when Jack gives the really moving speech about what Nina took away from the world when she killed Teri (spoilers).

7. They're DEAD...THEY'RE ALL DEAD!!!!

The Ethan Hunt's IMF Team Memorial Trophy goes to the first 15 minutes of Day Five: Palmer- shot in the mutherfrakkin' head; Doe-Eyes :( - blown up. Tony- almost blown up: status unknown (eventually punked out like a little bitch by Robocop). Chloe- on the run, not looking so good.

Nothing else could have raised the stakes faster or more hardcore as Day Five began than the decision to kill everyone you care about that's not Jack (or, obviously, Audrey). It was so shocking that there wasn't even time to be pissed until the episode was over. Then you realized that it hurt. Then you realized that the only way to feel better was to root for Jack to bring all the bastards to justice that were responsible for the outrage. When he does, I'll be the first to pop the champagne.

Okay, kids- hope you enjoyed Part Three. Not gonna lie, time was tight for this one, so I apologize if it's not up to the lofty standards that I've already set here at 24TADS. Be good, and I'll see you tomorrow for the FINAL SIX AWESOME MOMENTS!

-apk

PS: A word to the wise. Whatever you do, don't read the Wikipedia page for Day Six. DAMMIT! I hath been spoiled about the death of...

News Thing: Day Six Preview

I've been sending links to all things 24 to you guys forever. This is easier. Anything cool I find, you'll find here. Starting with this little semi-preview of FOUR HOUR EVENT OF AWESOME by the AP. (Beware: Mini Spoliers)

12-6 Most Awesome Things will be posted by midnight, hopefully.

-apk

1.10.2007

24 Awesome Things: Part Two

Welcome back to 24 Awesome Things! Let's hit the ground running, because this one's verbose!

18. Doe-Eyes and Audrey: Together at Last

In retrospect, I didn't even realize what was happening. Like I said, my rookie season was Day Four, so I didn't know anything about Michelle "Doe-Eyes" Dessler when she returned to CTU at Hour 13. I recognized instantly that she was hot, but she didn't become the apple of my eye until I watched Day Two on DVD. Now, torn between two women, (but not really, cuz I mean, Audrey's Audrey) I realized that they likely shared some scenes together during Day Four. I'll probably buy the Day Four DVDs now, just so I can bare witness to this harmonic convergence.

17. The "Only Man That Jack Can Trust" Saves the Day...Again

This is another moment that is awesome in retrospect. When Jack ran out of bullets as he and Audrey were running for their lives in an office building during Day Four, the intensity was so high that I forgot that Jack had already placed a phone call to "the only man I can trust". When Tony showed up and wiped the floor with the remaining bad guys, I instantly knew that he was badass. I had no idea just how badass Tony was until I went back and watched Days One and Two. Sure, he's kind of a bitch during Day One, but he looks amazingly cool when he shows up at the Warner Hacienda to do some questioning during Day Two. And yes, he died like a bitch and didn't even get a Silent Clock (spoiler), but I hear that he did some cool stuff during Day Three. In short, Tony's awesome, and this moment, which ironically happened when the character was at his lowest, was probably his best.

PS: I got to see Tony at the All-Star Game this summer. Dude can rake on a softball field. He is awesome. I hope that they use him in the 24 movie.

16. Palmer Requests that Sherri Kindly Go Frak Herself.

Sherri Palmer. Two words that grate on my neurons like none other than perhaps "Teri Bauer". Lord, she sucked. I've never seen her die, but it doesn't make me any less happy that it happened. But I digress. President Palmer freakin' rocks, and at this point, Dennis Haysbert should just change his name and run for the Democrats in '08. He'd have my vote. Sadly, this list will have a noticeable shortage of Awesome Palmer Moments. Mea Culpa, on that one, kids. It's just that I'm normally terribly bored by Palmer's plotlines (like Keith killed a guy! And Sherri's a bitch!). I guess if I want to list great moments in David Palmer's history, I should start a Major League blog (I say, forgetyou Jobu, I do it myself!) or a The Unit blog (umm..i don't know any The Unit quotes. I don't watch it. But I hear it's the balls). Anyway, at the end of Day One, Palmer loses his last nerve, blows his top, and eventually has Sherri escorted away from his life. This was cool. Also cool- when he set up the slutty scriptwriter that Sherri was using to set him up with, and straight up fired her. Palmer rules.

15. Kimmy go BOOM!

This moment makes it because it's so ridiculous and it leads to the incredible storyline that is "Teri has Amnesia!" I know a lot of people criticize Kim, and say that she sucks. I kindly disagree. She's clearly the only thing on this planet that Jack cares about, and her fabulous Day Two <isadventure In Babysitting is fun in it's own melodramatically cheesy way (and at least it has a great payoff). I won't even comment on the scrumdiddilyumptiousness of Elisha Cuthbert. There's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. (Note to self: Self, get to work on the "Top Ten 24 Hotties" list). As for the notorious Cougar—there's no way that the Cougar is any lamer than Teri has Amnesia! (and she happens to run into her ex-boyfriend!). I mean, when you're stealing plot ideas from The Muppets Take Manhattan, there's really no comparison.

apk, get back on track again. Okay. Teri and Kim's safe house is attacked by Drazen's people, so they jump in a car and haul ass. Teri does a good job of avoiding the shooter (which is probably the only thing she does effectively, other than die, all season) but when she parks the car on a side road, then retardedly walks up the hill to check for the assassin (what could she possibly do up there, other than reveal her location to the killer?) the car slips down the hill and explodes. Because that's what car's do when they roll down hills. When Teri thinks that Kim is dead (and we never learn how she gets out (NO FLASHBACKS!)), she instantly imagines what Jack's going to do to her when he finds out that Kimmy went Boom, her brain turns off, and she faints. She then wakes up with Amnesia! This actually happened on this amazing show. Really.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. In short, in this scene, Teri Bauer believes that her utter incompetence killed her daughter. No one likes Teri Bauer (except Kup, because he likes anything with a pixi haircut). Hence, this scene is awesome.

14. Edgar Hilariously Does Something Awkwardly Stupid: He Dies. Many Weep.

Oddly, I'm having a hard time remembering great moments from Day Five off the top of my head. I mean, it's pretty much almost universally considered to be like, the best season yet. I'm not so sure that it's true, but I know there were more moments that I'm not remembering. Feel free to help out. That being said, I frakking hate Edgar. Never liked him. He's big and dumb. And a pain in the ass. He's a big dumb pain in the ass. From Brooklyn. Living in LA. He's basically a fat version of the sitcom Joey sitting behind a desk at CTU and making eyes at Chloe. Chloe! What a doof. Oh, boo hoo, Edgar...Chloe slept with the good looking non-dork guy. Your life is so hard. Why don't you whine about your dead mom some more? God, I hate Edgar. And I really hate that he got a Silent Clock, but Palmer, Doe-Eyes and Tony did not. Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot. Seriously, though, his death was done really well, and it's easily one of the more tragic moments in 24 history. As I type this, in my mind's eye I can still see Chloe crying as Edgar has his Spock Moment* and the silent count hits. Hell, even Jack looked broken up by it, and he barely knew the bastard. What's the epitome of an awesome moment? Take a guy I hate, kill him, and make me feel it. 24, please collect your Emmy.

13. I Owe Blackjack Everything

There she was, pinned down, hiding behind haystacks, waiting for her doom. She thought her father was dead, and she had been through hell herself. Jack couldn't stay to protect her, again. My Audrey, alone and scared, but defiant. Just hoping to survive. Meanwhile, I've gone from the edge of Jerry's couch to the floor, and have started to creep nervously towards the TV, so that I can reach out and save her from her obvious fate. Audrey's going to die, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

So, I'm being melodramatic. You'll get used to it. I was nervous as hell, though. And I'm pretty sure that I was begging the TV not to kill her off. Then, all of a sudden, like a Guardian Angel of Awesomeness, Blackjack arrived on the scene in dramatic "crept up behind Audrey and scared all of us" fashion, and shuttled her off to safety. Thank you, Blackjack. I am the Luke to your Han, I owe you one. (Note: I only included this moment so I didn't have to get sappy on y'all and write about how awesome it was when Jack and Audrey got back together mid-way through Day Five. During that scene, I was like a fourteen year old girl watching Grey's Anatomy and rooting for Mer ( so lame when people call her that) and McDreamy to just freakin' hook up already!!!! ::giggles:: The lesson: there weren't enough boys in Madison, PA during the 1980s.

And that, my friends, brings us to the end of Part Two. I'll be back tomorrow with the 12 through 7 Most Subjectively Awesome moments. Be sure to come back on Friday when I hit the big ones: 6 through 1. You certainly don't want to miss me talking about things like <insert mega-exciting music here> Nina Myers!; "I'm gonna need a hacksaw;" They're dead- they're ALL DEAD; and Kim Bauer: The Avenging Angel of Zack Morris.

See you tomorrow, same Bat-Time. Same Bat-Channel.

-apk

*("the needs of the many...outweigh...the needs of the few...you have been...and always will be... my friend....live long...and...prosper...*dies*)

1.09.2007

24 Awesome Things: Part One

In order to kick things off here at 24TADS, I figured that I'd do what all good bloggers do: make a list. Yes, "The List". As American as football, apple pie, and smog, The List is probably America's greatest gift to world culture since the proliferation of jazz and comic books. The List answers, with finality, those questions that plague mankind like, "What are the 50 greatest celebrity nip-slips?" and "What are the 100 greatest moments in Gong Show history?" The List. Purely subjective. Always controversial. The List.

A 24 list is apropos, right? Well, before I get started, I need to give credit to This Site, which has a great list of moments through Day Three of its own. I read it a long, long time ago, and found it rather funny. Feel free to follow the link and have some fun. I'll admit it, I may have inadvertently stolen a quip or line or six from there. You'll get over it. You're young. What I couldn't steal, however, is this gem, "If Jack was in a fight with Superman and He-Man at the same time, he would just break He-Man's arm and hurl the power sword into Superman's chest." Indeed, faceless Internet Guy. Indeed. That sentence is the epitome of hilarity, and it perfectly represents everything I want this little piece of the Interweb to be.

So, without further ado, I give you Part One of the "24 Moments I think I'm pretty sure I feel, off the top of my head, were the best moments of 24*"

*Does not include Day Three. Sorry. I've not seen it. I know I suck, and I know that it's Doe-Eyes filled to the max. Sue me. None of my friends own it. Feel free to buy it for me as a "special thank you" for being so awesome and creating this blog. You're welcome.

24. Jack, Paul Raines (herewithin known as "Sissy McWussypants"), and two Swell Muslim Guys ™ hold off rioters as Jack single-handedly ends anti-Muslim sentiment in America.

It's true, it's true. During Day Four, critics derided the series so much for its negative portrayal of a fundamentalist Muslim sleeper cell as a family of deranged-evil terrorists, that always-politically correct FOX (who brought you "Temptation Island" and "When Murderous Rampaging Beasts Maul Hillbillies 7") flinched. In response, FOX ran those amusing "No, really, Muslims aren't all bad" bumpers where Keifer begged you to heal the hate, and then also sent our intrepid lead into blood-soaked LA while on the run with Sissy from some Evil Henchmen Mercenaries. Jack and Sissy fled to a hardware store where they holed up with two Swell Muslim Guys who helped them fend off the forces of EVIL. The next day, America elected a Muslim President, it became socially acceptable to read the Koran in colleges, and Pat Robertson taught us all that "Mohammed was actually pretty cool" (this may not have really happened). Was it a cheesy, blatant attempt to quell critics? Yup. And it worked, too. But it's here because it was one pretty badass shootout. You go, two Swell Muslim Guys!

23. Marie Warner is EVIL!!!!

(Spoiler) No, seriously, the perky, cute blonde girl from The Faculty is actually evil here, too! During Day Two (my personally favorite season), the show pulled the equivalent of a double-reverse flea-flicker and, after convincing us that Marie's Dad Bob and her fiancée "Don't call me Toka" Reza were actually the guys connected with the missing nuke, revealed that the cheerleaderesque ditz Marie was actually a cold-blooded fanatic terrorist/murderer. The Whisenhuntness of this Diamond Cutter Moment cannot be understated. Well played, writers. Well played.

22. Jack saves Heller&Raines, kills 117 terrorists in six minutes.

I've got to put this here, because this moment captured me as a 24 fan for all time. I didn't get into the show until my buddy Dr. Pizz and I happened to lazily leave the TV on after some NFL Playoff games. Two hours later, we were intrigued. By the time Jack saved Audrey (Hereinafter "The Love of My Life" or "My Girlfriend Audrey") and Sec. Heller in one tremendously badass firefight/rescue sequence, I was hooked for life. I remember being surprised at seeing so much sweet movie-style violence on primetime TV. Who says the entertainment industry's in trouble? Not me. In something like, I dunno, four minutes at the beginning of Hour Six, Jack killed a small county's worth of terrorists, saved the day, and got his girl back. Awesome.

21. Rudy Gamgee figures out "Flank Two Position", Blackjack saves the day.

Jerry, Nat, and I are all pretty big Curtis, "Blackjack" Manning fans, and, even though he has a tendency to take a bullet every time he goes into battle with Jack, he appears at least twice on this list. (If you know me well enough, I'm sure you can guess his greatest moment). Anyway, since Curtis was leading the charge this time, he didn't take a bullet. In fact, he saved Jack's ass. This was during the beginning of Day Five, when the airport was under siege by The Guy that Should Have Been the Big Bad. Captured, and with his young stupid friend about to be executed, Jack had no choice but to feed false position information to Curtis's CTU SWAT team. Though we didn't realize it at the time, Jack had encoded his message with a distress warning that he was in a "Flank Two position, repeat, a Flank Two position". However, since the warning was outdated and no longer a code, only Sean Astin, in his best strategic moment since "Toy Soldiers" figured it out. As the incomparably annoying Linn McGill (Astin) scrambled to inform Blackjack's assault team, we waited in anticipation to find whether the message got through. As Curtis and his Army of Asskickers blew through the wall and gatted the everliving shit out of every Evil Russian in the place, we learned two things: Jack is smarter than you, and Curtis is more than just a target.

20. T.C. McQueen takes over CTU

Unless my baby brother, Gooder, is reading this, only Jerry understands this post. It's okay though. It's my list. You don't have a list, do you? Well, when you write one, you can move Bill Buchanan's ascension to CTU chief off, and replace it with that Really Awesome Time That Edgar Said Something Retarded. I'm sure that was tremendous. Anyway, Jim Morrison, the man behind Bill Buchanan, used to be the Bauerist guy on a short-lived scifi show called Space: Above and Beyond. In one of the best hours of TV I know, an episode called "The Angriest Angel," Morrison, playing hardnosed spacefighter pilot Col. Tyrus Cassius McQueen defies all odds, gets into killing shape, gets back in the cockpit, and avenges his friend's death by blowing up the Alien Red Baron really really good. Seriously, this hour of TV is self-contained and phenomenal. I love it. Morrison's one of my favorite unsung actors, and when he stepped into CTU, I was beyond excited. If Buchanan ever dies, I'll likely cry. Bonus: he definitely tagged Doe-Eyes. My. Hero.

19. Jack Bauer punk'd Sayed Ali, makes George Lucas his bitch.

How do you get a fundamentalist terrorist to talk? Find his kids, who are supposed to be safely nestled into bed 10,000 miles away, and kill them in front of him, that's how! I'm pretty sure that's like, the third thing they teach you in Super Badass Agent School. The first is, of course, "disemboweling with a towel," while the second is "lampshade electro-nipple shock". Honestly, I can't believe I almost forgot about this moment. After Jack used his Batman-like detective skills, which were honed during summers at Indian Camp (true story), to determine that Evil-doer Sayed Ali had not lit himself on fire to escape capture, Jack hunted him down in the bowels of a mosque, promptly kicked his ass, and tied him to a chair. Alas, Ali wouldn't talk, and Jack was RUNNING OUT OF TIME (plus, I'm certain he wanted to hook up with Kate Warner, who wouldn't?) so he had to resort to desperate measures. He had a TV brought in, and basically made Ali watch as his kid was shot in the head. Before the rest of the family could be executed, Mr. Supertough Mr. Man Ali talked, and Jack went on to save the known universe, and roughly 2/3 of all dark matter. Sure, it was later revealed that Jack had faked the whole thing, using special effects (or something) that were better than anything found in a Star Wars prequel, and Jack (rather compassionately, I might add) later told Ali the truth before Ali was assassinated; but at the time, I believed that Jack had gone through with it, too. The only thing this episode was missing was Ashton Kutcher (thank God).

Well, that's all we've got for now. I'll be back with six more tomorrow, and each day thereafter, which should take us right into the Premiere to End All Premieres (2007 Edition) on Sunday.

Be good to each other.

-apk

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The following takes place between January 14, 2007 and May 21, 2007...

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