Note: I orginally wrote this on 3/15. I was totally going to finish it, too..but..well, you'll see. Bon appetite. Well, Los Penguinos make me extremely happy.
In light of the excitement generated by a 3-0 shutout of the hated Devils, in
New Jersey, by our backup goaltender, where Jarkko Ruutu had two points, I have decided to forego
Casino Royale in lieu of writing for all of you.
In the words of Xerxes, “I am kind”.
On with the show! Err…24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while visions of green beers jigged in my head.
1. Location, Location, Location. We’re LIVE from my bedroom, which means there are no Tomatoes to crack jokes with, and I’m experiencing the Jack Bauer Power Hour in all the glory of a 19” RCA that I bought off the floor in Wal*Mart back in 2001. Meanwhile, my roommate’s watching whatever certified crap is playing on MTV right now, downstairs, on my 62” HDTV. In other words, prepare for a pissy review.
Bite me, The Hills.
2. I want ANSWERS!!! During the recap, I’m left to ponder, again, the eternal question: “Why didn’t Jack just leave the Consulate through the window?” I think the correct answer is a toss-up between “bulletproof glass protects from snipers” and “dramatic reasons”. Eh.
3. Great Line #15. Chloe to Chuck, “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent, I’m gonna go.” Generally, the whole “Chuck goes to CTU” scene was pretty cool, and it was augmented nicely by more cool chimey music. The music this season’s been stellar, by the way.
4. SilverJack. Holy crap, does Ricky Schroeder look old. Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Mike Doyle” BlackJack’s replacement and new Resident CTU Hardass. For the moment, I’m going to ignore the rumors that the Rickster’s being groomed to become Keifer’s torchbearer, and instead read from Mr. Doyle’s CTU Personnel file:
Doyle, raised by a single father who was an owner of a multinational toy company empire, grew up in a mansion stocked with arcade video games, a scale model freight train that ran throughout the house, and countless other amenities. Raised in the lap of luxury, his world fell apart after scandal rocked his father, an overgrown manchild himself, and his second wife, the luscious Erin Gray. After a 60 Minutes expose revealed that Eddie Toys were built in sweatshops throughout Indonesia, Gray filed for divorce and successfully took the vast majority of Doyle’s father’s assets. Shortly thereafter, Doyle became a hardcore freebase heroin addict. That is, until a run in with Columbian drug runners resulted in the paralysis of his long time friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman) and the death of his best friend, Alfonso Spears (Alfonso Ribeiro). Following this tragic incident, Doyle’s life worsened before it became better, as noted porn magnate Freddy Lippencottleman helped Doyle “greive” through a life of utter debauchery. It wasn’t until Doyle reconnected with his father that he cleaned up his life and joined the New York City Police Department. After three years of wearing the NYPD Blues, Doyle joined CTU and has become one of its rising stars. His record is noted for multiple citations of merit. However, his love of trains, Buck Rodgers reruns, and silver spoons shows a disconcerting inability to relinquish his sketchy past. As such, he is known to experience sudden outbursts of violence, especially against British people that remind him of his grandfather.
Morris had better watch out.
Happier times.
5. INVASION! Holy Crap! Bill Buchanan’s gonna do it! We’re goin in after CCCP! Getting Jack back is secondary, but whatever—they’re gonna invade Russia!
6. Working for CTU is like going to Dickinson College. Everybody knows everyone, if you get my drift. I mean, really, was it entirely necessary to make Doyle and MMM long-time rivals? The only thing this season needs less than Sherri Palmer 2.0 is more frakkin’ CTU in-fighting. What’s next? A mole in CTU? (Edit: according to next week’s preview: Yup. …groan/yawn).
7. The Great Escape: Part Deux. Woah! Jack just used Aaronslav Pierkofsky’s BELT to snapmare the douchey Ruskie guard, steal his gun, and then AVENGE Aaronslav’s death. That was nearly as cool as when Jack ATE THE TERRORIST’S WINDPIPE. Remember? Way back in Hour 1 or 2, when Day Six was tremendous?
8. Can you hear me now? No? Crap. Well Jack got through to CTU just long enough to inform Morris that he knows where the nukes are. Though he ran out of anytime minutes before explaining the entire plan, Jack has been upgraded to Number 1 Priority. I like that little piece of writing, there, actually.
9. America’s Greatest Weapon: A Whacked Out Designing Woman. Follow the logic: Chuck needs to talk to Marty so she can talk to Mrs. Zubarov so she can tell Mr. Zubarov to let CTU invade Russian Soil because the deposed criminal mastermind Ex-POTUS, who tried to have the Zubarov’s killed during Day Five, says that CCCP is the one who’s responsible for the nukes in America. Got that? Great plan. I’m sure Zubarov will bite like nothing. Y’know—gotta trust Crazy Marty Logan. I’m actively pulling my hair out right now.
10. Is Mike Doyle gonna have to choke a bitch? That was refreshing. I’m with SilverJack, now. He just put all of CTU in its place. I don’t even care that he had to choke Morris to do it. Maybe now we can put to bed all of the incessant CTU in-fighting/whining plotlines, and get to some terrorbustin. I mean, really—A NUKE JUST WENT OFF IN AMERICA, I feel like everyone would be acting a little more seriously at this juncture. Especially Morris, who’s apparently not consumed with guilt enough to stop being a prick to everyone. Glad this all done. What? Milo’s starting crap with Doyle…for the second time in 20 minutes? Really. Sigh.
11. On second thought. MIKE DOYLE IS RICKY SCHROEDER!!! I can’t take him seriously as a badass. Why couldn’t they have picked someone more hard? Y’know, like one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). I could be making Lost Boys jokes right now! Speaking of which, an imdb search just revealed the Billy Wirth was “Dwayne the Human Slayer” in Lost Boys. I associate the name Billy Wirth with one thing only—The Greatest American Gladiators Contender of All Time. HERE he 1) starts a fight with mega-tool Gemini; 2) makes a sweet-ass diving score as time expires; and 3) makes millions of little white kids want to wear a doo-rag. A True Champion, if there ever was one.
What was I talking about, again? Oh, yeah- Ricky Schroeder’s got a long way to go to convince me that he can be a supreme Bauer-level badass.
12. Intermission. As we take a powder with the DC storyline, let’s recap the awesome setup we’ve got going here, if only so that I can bitch more later when there’s no payoff. 1) Jack’s on the run inside the consulate with only a gun and his wits. He doesn’t care if he lives, he just needs to make a phone call first. 2) Chuck has to convince Crazy Marty to convince the Russians to allow: 3) ALL OUT ASSAULT ON THE CONSULATE. This, my friends, is gonna get good.
13. Err...not. Screw it. This hour sucked. There should have been half an hour of Jack jumping Russian guardsmen like Batman and working his way out of the Consulate. Instead, he hid. And we spent a half hour reuniting Crazyass Marty and her live in paramour, the Awesome Aaron Pierce with Chuck. Unfortunately, Aaron has been totally emasculated by Crazyass Marty, who's SO CRAZY that she flipped her $#!+ and stabbed Chuck in the ...umm..rotator cuff. But, apparently, she almost totally nailed his artery. So the hour ends with Chuck flatlining on the way to the hospital. Does he die, tune in next week! Important things only happen as hours end!
What about Jack, you ask? Oh...well, he hacked and slashed his way out of the Consulate in true Leonidas/Bauertastic Style. Wha? No. he, umm, hid. AND WAITED FOR RICKY SCHROEDER TO SAVE HIM (after, of course, Crazyass Marty settled down and MADE THAT PHONE CALL). By the way, she convinced the Russian First Lady to convince the Russian President that CCCP was EVIL and that CTU should be allowed to invade Russian territory and kill Russian citizens in oh...about 2 minutes.
After all of this, Bearded Bad and Bald Bad launched a drone, anyway.
Bravo.
what a piece of crap super-boring hour.
I'm going to watch
Casino Royale and bask in the glory of Daniel Craig and the pure and utter absolute beauty of Eva Green-- the only woman that could steal me away from Audrey.
You're on notice
24. Get cool again,
toot suite!
-apk
No comments:
Post a Comment