AWESOME THING

CLICK ME, then scroll on down to "24 Open".  The Pittsburgh Penguins have been using a 24-style Opening Montage on their Jumbotron for a few months now, and I've been waiting a long time for this to be posted on their website. Back in January, I even emailed their media department and asked when it would be posted.

This is, bar none, the coolest Jumbotron movie I've ever seen in my entire life.  So you can visualize how it works in the arena, about five minutes before the teams take the ice, the house lights go pitch black, and this fantastic little movie kicks up.  It is supremely badass.

In light of this, I hope you can forgive me for being so far behind on my recaps.

-apk

24 TADS: (1:00 PM -- 2:00 PM)

I’ve got no excuses this time. Maybe someday I’ll get quick with these. In my defense, though, these things take around two hours to write. Anyway, I awoke this morning and remembered that last week was Two Hours of Awesomeness, meaning that I’ve got 48 things to churn out. Sigh. Before you go any further, be warned: this hour’s pretty weak.

Without further ado, 24 Things I Think I Thought I Thought About Day Six while realizing that we’re already 1/3 of the way through the season, and that this makes me obscenely sad. Also, Punxsutawney Phil is full of $#!+.

1. I love the Thanksgiving Episodes. We’re LIVE! Once again from the Casa del Tomato, where we’re eating some sweetass subs and killing time with Friends DVDs. The episode: the Thanksgiving “One” where they play football. One of my all time favorites. Good stuff. Not as good as my sub was, but good nonetheless. Also, the sub-maker guy had an awesome hat that I’m going to buy, because Natty thinks that I can pull it off. (I was going to link to it, but I can’t find it. Sigh). Anyway, God bless Natty.

2. The Skycopter CTU Freeway Traffic Report. First of all, I want to firmly establish that choppers are always cool. The CTU Huey of Justice is no different. The search for Morris begins! And by the way, traffic on the Parkway West is backed to Greentree Hill.

3, MMM is on a mission! The jacket’s off, baby! Milo’s going to find Morris and save the day! Two thoughts here: a) if you want to hook up with Chloe, shouldn’t you let Morris stay kidnapped? I think so, this means only one thing: MMM’s after Hotness. Good for him. b) If MMM can’t track Evil Brit’s SupaFly EvilBritMobile, then he may be the worst analyst/subroutine-tracker in CTU history. And that’s saying something.

This car: The Epitome of Icognito. (I really should have used the "Ninja Hedge" again, huh?)

4. The 24 writers love me. What other reason is there for the blatant shout out? I mean, Evil Brit was just spotted at “Adams & 13^th”. I don’t have a link to my profile here, but I’ll tell you this- my blogger name is “Atom13”. Why? Well, it’s been my internet handle since 1996. My name’s Adam. My number’s 13. I’m a dork. Can’t believe that Natty caught the reference, and I didn’t. She’s so smart.

5. Natty’s so dumb. “Jack’s going to parachute [from the CTU Huey of Justice].” My reply, “Like Jack needs a parachute.”

6. Good plan, Morris. That a way! Tell Reese how Evil Brit’s plan is to blow up more children, all for a measly $7million. I also like how he played to her selfishness by pointing out that CTU doesn’t even know that she exists. It looks like she’s actually feeling remorse over everything.

7. BANG! BANG! Holy schynekies! REESE JUST SHOT EVIL BRIT!! Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s YOUR Diamond Cutter Moment!

Sigh. I have no pictures of M.Moulton. Random Evil Imperial British Guy will have to suffice.

8. Oops. “You said yourself, CTU doesn’t even know I exist.” For what it’s worth, I thought that it was great plan, Morris. Rats. In any event, that was the best 12 minutes since the premiere.

9. How to suck all the momentum out of the first twelve minutes in one easy step. That is, flip back to Washington and give us more boring political claptrap. On the bright side, we learned that Yanosh, of all people, convinced Palmer v. 2.0 that he should run for the presidency. And in even better news, we also learned that BALTAR HAS LANDED IN DC! Yeeeeeeeeees!

10. Karen Hayes is going to kick your ass. Literally, what? TWO HOURS after you blackmail her into resigning, Yanosh, you tell Chaz to draft a letter a resignation for YOU? You sissy. Sack up and see this thing through the end! Also: What the hell is Chaz up to?

11. Welcome to the 10,348^th Safest Place on Earth. Aunt Hottie, Jack Jr., and Phil all check into CTU, where it is highly likely that one of them will be kidnapped, stabbed, shot, electrocuted, poisoned, tortured, or gassed to death.

12. Unheard line of the night. “Hi, I’m Bill. You must be Josh—boy, you sure do look like Jack.”

Uh oh! This one's under review!

13. APK will be charged with a timeout. After further review, the ruling on the field is overturned, and Josh will no longer be known as “Jack Jr.” All hail, “Kim!” (Recognize this, fools—it’s totally a boy’s name, too).

14. Morris Toughnuts. Bald Bad wants his component, dammit! When “I’m just an analyst, you’ve got the wrong man” doesn’t work, Morris gets all uppity Brit on him with a little, “Not bloody likely, Mate!” Nice try, but Bald Bad only has one reply:

"I don't think so...Homey don't play 'dat." (and y'know, get the drill.)

15. WHAHUZZAT? And they say Star Trek has technobabble? What the hell did Chloe just say about techniewutzits and modulating frequensomethings? Let’s hope that was the last Lt. Data Moment of the season. Ugh.

16. Palmeresque 2: This Time it’s more Palmeresque. Palmer’s plan to put Baltar on TV is the kind of ballsy, outside-the-box thinking that we need more of around here! Love the line “You want to lead this peace, Baltar, then LEAD.” Sweetass.

PS: It looks like I’m gonna have to juummMMMmppppppppppppppp!

17. The CiderJack Pompadour of American Virtue. Seriously, he’s got so much hair, that I’m willing to bet that they have to kill him off just to save on hairspray. So far, I like him, though.

18. Cheap Shot. Jack to Chloe, “Chloe, Good to have you back. ::cough::MMM sucks! ::cough:::: Seriously, what’s with Jack’s vitriol towards Milo? Didn’t Milo kind of help Jack save his daughter during Day One? Jack’s like, more likely to be nice to an evil terrorist mastermind like Baltar than to Curtis or Milo today. If I were Milo, I’d be watching out for gunshot wounds to the neck.

19. INTERACTIVE! Okay, I’ve got a note here that says “For whom the does the bell toll? It tolls for THEE,” and I don’t have a damn clue why I wrote that down. Here’s your chance to play along! What the hell is that note in reference to?

20. Bald Bad is AWESOME. First he shot Reese DEAD. Then, he DRILLED. THROUGH. MORRIS. Morris, my man, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of for cracking.

21. ANOTHER COUP? Oh for God’s sake. Why do we need another Presidential Coup? Why does this only happen to Palmers? Why do we need another excuse to get Mrs. Tidwell involved with the storyline. Ughhhhhhhh. Chaz is so annoying.

22. FINALLY, SOME HARDCORE ACTION!! That’s what I’m talking about! CTU finally makes Bald Bad’s men pay…in blood! We’ve got terrorists down all over the place, and Morris is okay! Everyone’s doing great, that is, until Jack realizes that there’s a SUITCASE NUKE IN THE KITCHEN!!! Dum-Dum-DUMMMMMMMMM.

23. Thankfully, he decided against the Nicey McNiceguy “Stand and Scream at It” disarmamanet method. With Chloe’s help, Jack disarms the nuke with the “stick the screwdriver in the metal clasps” nuke disarmament method he honed after countless hours of playing “Operation” during his courtship of Teri. If you think that’s impressive, you should see him take on “water on the knee”. Did anybody else notice how Jack composed himself, then strutted out in the living room like a hardass and reported that everything was okay. Let’s see you top that, Chuck Norris…

Chuck Norris v. Suitcase Nuke No. 2

24. The Princess Leia Escape Plan. Here, I thought that Bald Bad had simply run up some stairs, using the tactics that Marwan incorporated into his plan so well during Day Four. But even BETTER, he dove down a ventilation shaft/garbage shoot, shimmied down a rope, and then stole a Medivac Helicopter (Helicopter Bookend Bonus!) . All I have to say s, “Nice Perimeter, CiderJack”. You’re following in BlackJack’s footsteps perfectly.

Stats:

Dammits: 2(8) – Jack loses Morris on the highway; Bald Bad escapes CiderJack’s first perimeter.

Terrorist Casualties: 8. That’s what I’m talking about! Six terrorists (but Bald Bad escapes), Evil Brit, and Reese Witherspoon on Crack (and sadly, her incredible personality).

CTU Casualties: 0! Morris LIVES!

Player of the Game: Jack. Umm, he tracked and saved Morris and defused a SUITCASE NUKE (1 reference). What more do you want?

Final Verdict: 5 out 5 Victor Drazen Killings Just like watching Jack unload a clip on Vic Drazen, this hour was entirely perfectly satisfying in every conceivable way. We had a good old fashioned CTU satellite/camera chase, a wildly successful OP, a badass shootout, some disgustingly awful torture, and some quality character moments. I should take away a half point for all of the Yanosh/Chaz boredom, but I enjoyed the Palmeresque stuff with Baltar enough to even it all out. Can’t wait for the commercial break to end!

More to come later (tomorrow). Maybe.