Cool Thing: Day Six -- Comic Style

THIS is absolutely brilliant, especially the parts that are "edited for content".

-apk

24 TADS: (10:00 AM -- 11:00 AM)

Disclaimer: I missed the first half hour tonight, due to the three-headed monster that was Happy Hour, shitty road conditions, and my stupid attempt at taking the back way to Jerry’s house.

24 Things I Think I Thought About Day Six while my car skids right on past Jerry’s road...

1. I missed the fallout. Yup, I’m late, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t bring any puns. We’re live from the floor of the Casa Tomato living room, where I’m gorging myself on the hoagie that was meant to be Natalie’s lunch and trying to get caught up. Apparently, I missed some cool MacGyver-style action as Jack gathered his courage and saved a helicopter. Way to be, Jack! Also, word has it that Jack’s dad turned up on a contact list with a shady Russian.

2. Plothole: Closed. At least they didn’t try to pull a fast one on us. I’m working via Nat’s recap, here, but from what I understand, since the Terrorist Techie blew himself up, Bald Bad needs a new Component of Doom, and someone to install it. Enter The Evil Brit, who’s supposedly the proverbial “guy who knows a guy”. Fair enough. "The Evil Brit" is not only too vague, but also too long to write, so I’m either going to refer to this dude as M. Moulton. Wait, that's a dig that is too obvious. I'll just call him "Matt M." So it is written, so it shall be done.

3. Undercover Brother. That doesn’t really fit, does it, being that Walid is an Arab, huh? Well, neither does this storyline. Even for 24, it’s pretty far-fetched that he’d be so quickly indoctrinated by captured terrorists on the day of their attack. I don’t care how many times the Feds beat him up (nice trick, though).

4. Jerry’s Quote of the Night. To Mrs. Tidwell: “Quit being a [frakking] attorney!!” Okay, Gerald, if you insist.

5. This is still going on? How many minutes have we wasted on Mrs. Tidwell’s incessant whining to the FBI Agent with a Chip on His Shoulder? That guy’s pretty cool. He calls it like he sees it, and plays it by the book. Now that Our Boy Aaron Pierce is likely in DC with Palmer v. 2.0, I shall refer to FBI Agent as “Aaron West Coast”.

6. The Legend Killer? One of the nameless FBI drones in Walid’s compound looks an awful lot like former WWE Champion Randy Orton. Hey, I’ve got to come up with 24 of these in 30 minutes. They’re not all going to be good.

7. More Great Casting. For those of you that don’t know, Jack’s Dad, Phillip Bauer, will be played this year by James Cromwell. You may know him from Six Feet Under, Babe (the Farmer), Star Trek: First Contact (Zephram Cochrane) and as “Rollo Tomasi” from LA Confidential. Awesome actor. Should be sweet.

Phillip Bauer dances with the Bride on Jack's Wedding Day.

8. DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT TO END ALL DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENTS. Bluetooth Graham, Ron Howard lookalike and the mastermind behind Day Five, IS JACK’S BROTHER!!!!!!! (spoiler). I kid you not, Jerry, Nat, and I simultaneously shouted in astonishment something to the effect of “HOLY [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]!!!!!” when this happened. Masterful, masterful play call, 24 writers. We who are about to die, salute you.

9. Bill Buchanan v. Baltar: Round 1. According to Nat, Bill refused to shake Baltar’s hand when he arrived at CTU. My loyalties are pretty torn here. I guess I’m going to have to trust Bill’s instincts. Also, has there been any comment or backlash re: BlackJack’s death? Also, apparently Morris is pissed that Baltar’s at CTU, too. Tred carefully, Morris, I don’t like you that much.

10. What, Jim Ross wasn’t available? Apparently (maybe “Apparently” is the new catchphrase here, instead of “suitcase nuke,” being that I’m getting all my stuff secondhand tonight), Bald Bad almost hit, or actually did run over a little girl in the street. Obviously, killing 12,000 Los Angelinos with a nuclear bomb isn’t enough to establish that he’s PURE Evil. Normally, when I guy wants to establish a heel turn, they just cut a promo with JR and break his arm or something. This seems a little drastic.

11. Opie is a bad actor. Graham (doesn’t it sound like they’re calling him “Grey”) is great on the phone. “Jack..wow. it’s like, so great that you’re home. Listen, we tried really hard to get you out of China—wait, hold on, I’ve got a call coming in...” Actually, it’d be pretty great if he put Jack on hold just to screw with him.

12. Why did it take me so long to realize this? Opie’s responsible for President Palmer’s, Tony’s, and Doe-Eyes’s deaths. There is hell to pay.

13. Lois Quartermain? Holy schnikies! Opie’s wife is Lois from General Hospital. Sadly, Gooder was the only other friend I have that noticed this. We are two very lame guys. I blame our sister for making us watch that particular soap back in the day. Yinz might remember her from the Saved By the Bell episodes where the gang helped Kelly’s uncle’s Hawaiian hotel, and the natives mistook Screech for an embodiment of their chief god. She and Zack had a thing, but she also had a kid. I’d rank her behind Stacey Corosi, but slightly above the wheelchair-bound girl and the homeless girl(tie) in the list of Zack’s lost loves. She was infinitely better than Tori, for the record. But I’m sure that goes without saying. (By the way, Zack’s WIKI page may be the best of all time, scroll down to "Political Advocacy". I bet Gossler writes this thing himself).

14. Tangled Bauer Lovefest. Clearly, Jack used to tag Lois. Based on his awkward intro to Josh, it’s also pretty clear that Josh is Jack Jr. So this is what we have: Jack used to shack up with Lois, who’s clearly not over him, and that irks Opie, probably because Opie’s been raising Jack’s son as his own. Everyone got that? What is this, The O.C. ?

15. Jerry strikes again. RE: Lois and Jack, “Jack used to bang hot chicks—why’d he marry that ugly [woman]?” (meaning Dead Teri). I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a better question.

16. Great Line # 9. Yanosh just asked Palmer v. 2.0 to grant him the power to commit all kinds of civil rights violations. Karen Hayes left the table in disgust. I can’t believe that Mrs. Tidwell didn’t call in on conference just to whine some more. That being said, when Palmer v. 2.0 said something about projecting an appearance of fear to the public, Yanosh sniped back with a great line, “...let’s face reality – we are afraid.” He’s right wing and a little radical, but I actually like the character. More on this, later.

17. Reese Witherspoon on Crack. Yup, the three of us just spent too much time debating who Matt M.'s girlfriend looks like. This seems to be the girl that’s going to create the New Component of Doom. However, it appears that TechSlut would much rather head to Vegas and cash out while the world goes to Hell. I can’t argue with that logic...

18. NOOOOOOOO! (Bill Buchanan v. Baltar: Round 2). NOOOOO! Don’t send Baltar away to DC and out of our lives!!! You can’t break up the Mega Powers! This basically makes Bill Buchanan into Miss Elizabeth. That blows. Man, I hope he comes back. DAMMIT. Well, at least Bill shook his hand this time. When you've got TC McQueen's respect, you've reached the top.

19. No more red shirts? CTU’s really letting me down. The security guards are wearing white this year. Their old red shirts made them 1) extremely well-dressed security guards and 2) one of the best running gags on the show. That’s just disappointing on levels.

A CTU security guard doing what he does best.

20. Walid’s in? I know I hit on this early, but Walid, Muslim Patriot, was just indoctrinated by the captured terrorist cell when he told one guy Bald Bad’s name. Seriously? I would have thought that terrorist cells would have passwords or something.

21. One punch! One punch! Jack lays out Opie. I only wish he could understand how great that felt, from our vantage point. Also: Nat still loves Jack’s nipples.

22. Jerry’s on Fire. “When they were young, instead of playing cowboys and Indians, did Jack and Graham play ‘terrorist and CTU agent’?” It was also at this point that I called Gooder and told him to pay attention to what happens when little brothers fall out of line. Natalie knew Jack’s next move like Marlon Jackson knew that Tom Brady would choke (like I could resist taking a shot. It appears that Brady just wasn’t handsome enough to pull it out...baha), and she totally predicted that he’d go straight for a lamp cord. I was personally hoping for the Paul Raines Special, but Jack had better ideas, we’ll get to that...

23. Great Line #10. Yanosh might seriously be leading the league with these. When Palmer v. 2.0 started crying about being scared (making me fear that I may have ended the Beta testing phase far too early), Yanosh gave some incredibly solid advice when he told the President that, “bravado would be no more appropriate” than fear. Honestly, I think that Yanosh is just a pragmatist, not a Right-Wing Nutjob. Jerry and I are to starting to come around, and at least appreciate him.

24. PLASTIC BAG FRATRICIDE OF DOOM! God damn that’s sweet. Just in case there were any lingering doubts, Jack is clearly back, friends. Not only did he deliver a couple of hardass lines like “Trust me, I’m not” and, “Not good enough.” but he skipped straight past electro-shock torture and went to trusty asphyxiation. On his BROTHER, no less! Phe-nomenal. A-rugula.

*Bonus observation: Right as Palmer v. 2.0 said the words “barbaric men” the director cut back to Jack’s interrogation. Great juxtaposition, there.

The only Weapon more dangers than RED CUPS OF FURY

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I can’t give you any stats or final verdict, other than to say that the half hour I saw was pretty damn good. I just hope that the Lois/Josh/Opie/Jack quadrangle doesn’t pull anything down.

Oh, and the previews show Opie making a snarky comment about Teri next week. While I applaud him spitting on her grave, I can’t wait to see Jack snap over that one. God, I love this show.

Be good to each other, ‘lest I have to find a plastic bag.

-apk

24 TADS: (9:00 AM -- 10:00 AM)

Well, this was almost a week ago, and my notes are a little spotty. Here’s hoping that this particular recap doesn’t totally blow. Things should become significantly more focused starting this week, now that we’re back to the normal single-hour format.

Anyway...

24 Things I think I thought About Day Six while silently stewing over the fact that I know how this hour ends already...Dammit.

1. I heart Bill Buchanan. No, seriously, in a totally hetero way. When they finally let him get all TC McQueen (see post below) and he screamed out “We have to do what we’re doing better, and we have to do it faster!” I realized that he’s officially the best Head of CTU since Jack. So there. It’s going to totally suck if he dies.

2. Catch the catchphrase fever! “Suitcase Nuke” is the new “Syntox”. I think next week, I’ll start a running count of “Suitcase Nuke” references.

Public Enemy No. 1

3. Great Line # 7. “You’re Upset”. Morris is an absolute pain-in-the-ass, especially to Middle Management Milo, but I love him for being so blatantly over the top. When MMM found out that Morris wasn’t really doing stuff for Chloe, and he got all up in Morris’s face, I cracked up at this line. PS: CTU, please stop acting like a bunch of junior highschoolers and get your shit together. There are suitcase nukes out there! (See, even I can’t go without using it...)

4. Reach out and Touch Someone. Ahh, the easiest phone call that Palmer v. 2.0 Beta will ever make, “Umm...Jack, sorry we tried to turn you over to die. Way to escape! Anyway, you’re the man now, dogg. So Call the ball. Save the day. See you tomorrow. Outtie.”

5. Just Say NO! Battered wife, thy name is Jack Bauer. Really, Jack, it’s okay—you can say “No” when the country that’s abandoned you begs you to come back and help save the day. You’re surrounded by incompetent fools that are only good at doing one thing: Ignoring you when you’re right. You should just pack it in, find Audrey’s number, and retire to West Bumblefrak, NH, where they think that a suitcase nuke is something Burrows leaves in Bromberg’s luggage after drinking too much in Cancun.

6. Ohhh, Curtis, burn. To paraphrase BlackJack, “Two years ago, you would’ve seen right through Baltar’s b.s.” I love this stuff. Between Jack’s botched interrogation attempt and BlackJack’s steadfast belief that Baltar cannot bet trusted, there’s plenty of doubt whether Jack’s still got “it” or not.

7. Terrorist Transporter Technology. I know we like to play fast and loose with the “real-time” format these days, but Nassir, the Terrorist Techie that was sprung at the end of Hour Three just arrived at Bald Bad’s Warehouse Lair. It’s now 9:08am. He’s all, “Hello, my brother Fayed, I changed clothes and crossed the city on foot in 8 minutes, but I was careful—let’s get to work.” Riiiiiight. Sure, parts of Day One were slow because they stuck to the rules so well, but let’s not overcompensate by throwing everything out the window, I mean really. I’m on the record here, if I hear Bald Bad ask to be “beamed” somewhere, I’m out.

8. Mom & Dad McNiceguy Save the World. Okay, so every moment with Behrooz and Wussy McNiceguy is a moment of my life I can’t get back. That being said, I kind of like the “Mom and Dad v. the Terrorists” portion of this particular subplot. Jerry seems to think that they should just call the cops and be done with it, Nat and I would not be so quick to involve authorities and risk the life of our kid. However, Jerry’s making a pretty strong argument (based on his experience as Carlisle SWAT team tackling dummy) that the local SWAT unit could bust in and take out Behrooz before he could kill or take Wussy hostage. I’m starting to change my opinion. This is just further proof that Jerry is a much better attorney than I am.

9. Umm, Nicey, it’s 2007. Actually, in the Bauerverse, it’s more like 2011 (seriously, people have figured this out). My point: Nicey McNiceguy is the only person in LA that doesn’t have a cell phone. I seriously doubt that pay phones will even exist in LA by 2011.

10. Another F’ing PARDON?? Woah, there, Palmer v. 2.0 Beta, you just can’t throw pardons around. Jack’s already convinced Baltar that his “Political Reality” is that he has to help America today, or Bald Bad’s going to have his ass on a platter. Why do we need to PARDON the internationally renown terrorist? It’s not like he’s not going to help...sigh. You suck.

11. Great Line # 8. Yanosh to Mrs. Tidwell while she’s trying to give him a Civics lesson over the phone, “...that’ll make a splendid law review thesis...[but we’ve got a country to run, so shut up...click]” Which is exactly how I feel about this storyline. Mrs. Tidwell sucks. If there’s got to be an Annoying Female Palmer in the cast, I’d rather have Sherri (and that, my friends, is saying something.).

12. PS: I’m reporting you, Tidwell. Really, I’m pretty sure that the Rules of Professional Conduct say that she can’t be her boyfriend’s lawyer. You’re not supposed to have sexual relations with your clients.

13. Behrooz, you have outlived your usefulness. Clearly, there’s no way that Behrooz is going to kill Wussy. He doesn’t have it in him. It is at this point that I no longer care how this plays out... Okay, so he got shot. Whatever. Nice job, CTU meatface with a happy trigger finger. Why don't you know how to shoot for the leg?

14. Prepare Pardon re: Baltar (.7). They whipped that little pardon up pretty quickly, didn’t they? Not to mention Baltar’s flipping through a 28 page document that was prepared in about 34 minutes. It's like the AG's office keeps a folder full of "Bauer Deals" templates saved as Word Macros and just fill in the blanks. Kind of like when I do a MTC Discovery. And what did they do, fax it to Wussy’s HP Pavillion and print it out on the McNiceguy Family Bubblejet 3000?

15. Wussy = Useful? Wussy has just trumped “Derek: The Boy Hostage,” who was captured in the airport and made to wet himself in Day Five. Yes, folks, Wussy has saved the day, (and perhaps his dad’s life) by remembering that Bald Bad's lair is at 351 Old Mill Rd, Valencia. Unfortunately for Wussy, there’s no such place as Old Mill Rd in Valencia. Oops.

16. I wish this was HBO. Not only do I wish that Jack would have gotten all Cameron Poe during Hour Three and told everyone that he was “Going to save the [Frakkin’] Day”, I really wish that after Wussy asked, “You gonna save my dad?” Jack could’ve just looked at him, and in full Bauer Voice said, “You’re Goddamn right we are...”. I hate broadcast television.

17. 18 minutes left, 15 minutes to Valencia. Well, this one’s heading to a big-time standoff finally. No cliffhanger here.

18. I guess I should write his name down next week. Tidwell’s boyfriend, the interment camp Muslim Patriot, just layeth the smacketh down on Little Miss PolSci. That was great! He’s all, CUT THE CRAP AND GO TO THE FEDS!!! Great little turn there. Shouldn’t this be enough to show that not all Muslims are evil, and that some will be good little Republicans and sacrifice their social freedoms in order to serve the greater governmental good? No? Muslim groups are still going to cry foul? I love this country. By the way, is the word they’re saying that’s a terrorist code “5 Histers” or “5 Visitors?” Because if it’s “Hister” that’s a cute little Nostradamus reference. Wiki it if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

19. BlackJack is Justified. Woah, seriously? That’s what Baltar did to Curtis? He captured his Army-mates, made them renounce America, and then beheaded them on videotape? Jack, that’s not a history, that’s Plutarch’s Alexander the Great. At least that gives us a good, plausible explanation for why Curtis has been acting so out of character all day. Writers, ye are forgiven. As for you, Jack, you’d best not leave BlackJack alone with Bal...tar.... shit.

20. - - - - -. I’ve got no words. Okay, I knew that this was coming, and that it was a standoff where BlackJack had a hostage that Jack needed. Even despite all of that, I was on the edge of my seat and was blown away by the pure drama of it all. I would pay about $600 to find out that Jack was aiming for BlackJack’s shoulder, but that he missed because he’s so out of practice and shattered. That’d be even better. Kudos to BlackJack and Jack for one incredibly awesome scene.

21. Shattered. This has got to be the lowest that Jack can get, after everything that’s happened to him over the last 20 months in China and the Five days of hell beforehand, he can’t take it anymore. Jack’s done. He’s lost his wife, his daughter hates him, he’s lost his second love, he’s lost his best friend, he’s lost the man he respects more than any other, he’s had to kill his mentor, his boss, and his current sidekick. He’s been tortured, killed, tortured again, and then tortured for two years by the Chinese. He’s had his faith in the American Presidency destroyed and learned the harsh lessons of politics in a shades of grey world. He has nothing left to live for, and worse yet, nothing left to die for. He probably wishes he could have just piloted George Mason’s plane into the desert like he wanted to. Now, all there’s left to do is puke, cry, and try to figure out how to stand up.

22. “I’m done”. First of all, it sounds like Bill’s more torn up over Behrooz’s death (update: Kumar has gone to the Big White Castle in the sky) than BlackJack’s death. That’s kind of cold, Bill. “Hey, Jack...come in, let’s talk...it’ll be cool, just don’t shoot me or Chloe.” No more, though. Jack’s done. And who can blame him?

23. “Dear God.” Woah. You said it, Karen. I didn’t realize it until after the tact team had been spotted, but the nuke that Nassir said would be ready (like your eyeglasses) in about an hour, is now ready to go. Nicey’s tied up without a lamp-weapon to be found, and the tact team doesn’t feature anyone who can save the day. I can’t believe it, but they just nuked LA in hour four. Absolutely incredible. I wasn’t spoiled on this one, but I was certainly speechless. Bonus points for the stunned silence of everyone watching as the satellite view showed an incrementally-growing mushroom cloud. Incredible.

24. Beta Testing is Over. Anyone else notice that this was the first time that Palmer v. 2.0 Beta didn’t speak with a whisper, and actually seemed to be authoritative? I honestly believe that this was his galvanizing moment, where he will become a leader. It’s like when Paul Blake helped Edison pass his midterms. The Executive Branch is now, finally, Palmer v. 2.0 Beta’s team, and all the self-doubting is going to stop. As a bonus: the same can be said for Jack. The moment he gives up: a nuke goes off in his backyard. If that’s not a sign from God, nothing is. I fully expect a Colonel Tigh speech from Jack tonight. And if he doesn't give one, I'll quote it anyhow!

Stats:

Dammits: 1(4) -- Like I said, I’ll start keeping track of who says them starting with Hour Five.

Terrorist Casualties: ? (?) Great. I try to keep track, and then a nuke goes off and kills like, a ton of people. Notables: Nassir. Behrooz.

CTU Casualties: ? (?) See above. I’ll track down the website that keeps track of these things and get back on track next time. Notables: BlackJack and Nicey McNiceguy. Dammit.

Player of the Game: BlackJack. The Immutable Law of Curtis Manning: Every time BlackJack goes on an op, he takes a bullet. We know it. Jack knows it. Curtis knows it. I’m pretty sure, though, that BlackJack never thought he’d take one from Jack. In the neck.

All of that aside, though, that was one hell of an acting job. If you gotta go- go out well, don’t get bitched like Tony. Which reminds me, there’s a BONUS.

Line of the Hour: (Again, by Jerry Tomato: “Curtis dying means that they should automatically bring back Tony!”) True that, Gerald. True. That.

Final Verdict: Five out Five Requests for a Hacksaw. Wow, folks—that’s how you wrap a premiere. You give us a climax where Jack has no choice but to kill Curtis, and then, in what should be the denouement, you have Bald Bad set off a nuke in LA. Oh..and then you inform us that there are 4 more “Visitors” left. I won’t question (for now) why Nassir and McNiceguy’s “component” were so important if both were just effectively blown to shit with four nukes still left to detonate, I’ll just focus on how gutwrenching the last four hours have been from start to finish. 20 hours to go? Game on.