24 Things About Day Six

Edit: Blogger issues kept the pretty pictures from loading. I added them 'bout noon today. They original Audrey ones were better. Everything else is the same. Don't worry though, you'll get two Audrey pictures a week from me from here on out. (Promise, or threat? who knows)

Wow. It's been a while, huh? What can I say, other than I'm sorry. It's okay, though-- i got drastic tonight, and will likely be posting 24 things about TONIGHT and LAST WEEK. Without further ado, I give you 24 (or more) Things I Think I Thought I Thought About Day Six while bringing to you A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIVEBLOG! Woot!

8:59 (time is EDT) -- Well, the Pens and Rangers are tied at 0 and headed to the 3d. And the Pens are playing for first place in the division. To be honest, you’re lucky I’m here for you, friends. If I click back and miss something…sorry. I don’t have TiVO. Let’s get it on! I’m LIVE from my bedroom and I’m hoping that this hour’s not as boring as the last. Frankly, the previews look promising as all hell…wait, what’s that Jack, “You should’ve told me about Audrey, Bill”. OH GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND WHY DIDN'T BILL TELL ME!!! WHY THE BETRAYAL??!?!?

I officially can’t think of anything until I find out what’s happened to the love of my life.. Umm. Be prepared for short, pithy answers this week. (at least that means I’ll maybe post it tonight…)

9:02 Are we that far along already? It’s dark? It’s dark and Jack has internal bleeding. And SilverJack has taken this “out of your hands, Jack”. Jerkass. He’ll regret that decision mighty soon. Anyway, Jack—GO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY! And, umm, Logan, too. Anyone remember him? Did i miss a week or something? Didn't the last episode end with Logan dying in an ambulance?

9:03 Geek alert—the RQ-2 is out there! It’s a STEALTH DRONE! A SUPER SMART DROID. It’s the love child of R2-D2 and Q from Star Trek. I am a nerd.

9:04 The showdown between Bearded Bad and Bald Bad just underscores how helter skelter Bearded is, and how supremely badass Bald is. The focus on Gredenko the last six weeks has clearly hurt the hell out this season’s momentum. He looks like he’s nuts.

9:05 It’s away! Artoo’s in the air, Hotness is trying to reposition the satellietes, MMM makes his move! Chloe catches MMM macking on Hotness, and now the jig is up! Hotness is a felon, but Chloe’s not going to report them. Chloe: team player. Yawn. More pointless CTU drama. GO FIND THE GODDAMN DRONE.

9::08 The drone is gone! Tech Terrorist is linked with the CTU satellites. He made the drone disappear. It was a really great idea to give Fayed access to the satellite grid back when the Day began, huh? 2.0 sucks as a president.

9:09 Meanwhile, in DC, up is down, left is right, and VP Palpatine is going to nuke Nameless Unaffiliated Mideast Country (NUMC), Yanosh is the flippin’ voice of reason, and Lisa is still hot. Like, hot hot. She’s now “Hot Lisa”. And it’s superdramatic commercial break time. As cool as the “Under Pressure” Gatorade commercial is, I wonder, what are the Pens up to?

9:12 Dammit. 1-0 Rangers., 13 minutes left. I hate you, Marc.

9:13 American Idol sucks this year. Blake Lewis has won me over, though. And we’re back! Being that LA survived the commercial break, it’s not a target. Current potential target candidates include SF (4:1), Phoenix (3:1) and Vegas (1:2). Think about it-- if you're a Muslim extremist, why not hit Vegas? It's filled with sinful tourist Americans from all over the country. With one hit, you effect as many sinful Christians from as many different parts of the country as possible. That's how you spread terror. (Note: I umm..don't support terrorism. And i don't think gambling's a sin. I'm just saying that's where I think Fayed would want to take out).

9:15 Jack’s chillin with Aunt Hottie, she’s going to tell him about Audrey (according to the preview). “I always regretted things didn’t work out between us” And..DENIED! Jack balks—he will not kiss you, Aunt Hottie, not because he killed your husband, his brother, but BECAUSE HE LOVES AUDREY. (damn straight!)

9:16 My heart stops with “you don’t know, do you”

9:17 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Died in China while trying to save Jack.

This concludes our live blog.

...

..

.

9:22 Okay, I just ignored all of that DC “let’s nuke the bastards” stuff, and pulled myself together. For you. For all of you. Thank me later.

::sniff::

oh, yeah, Karen Hayes is back now. She’s still old lady cute. But whatever. Oh- Keifer acted his ass off when he learned about Audrey. Phenomenal.

9:26 Haha! Thank you for levity, writers. Chloe kissed Morris to “check his breath” for Milo, then straight up informed him that she was “just checking your breath” afterwards. Classic moment. Really cute. I miss Audrey.

9:28 Yanosh and Karen exchanged pleasantries four minutes ago. Now they are bitching at each other. Yanosh, “You’d better pray that CTU can find and stop that drone” Good grief, can we please focus on the ATTEMPT TO STOP THE DRONE. Thanks.

9:29. “We have a leak”. Whoever had “Hour 14” in the Mole Pool wins. You can collect at the front door. You can still get in on the ground floor for the Mole’s Identity Pool, candidates include: Hotness, MMM, SilverJack, Morris. SilverJack’s goin’ straight after Hotness, MMM kindly disagrees. Ricky gets the burn of the year with, “Is this assessment based on some private knowledge, or is it because you’re itchin’ to sleep with her.” SilverJack RULES. Chloe spends 7 seconds on the computer and realizes that Hotness is, in fact, the alleged mole. SilverJack goes all Bauer on her, but Bill makes him relent. Hotness pleads her innocence as she’s carted off and MMM watches. Obviously, Milo gave Nadia access to his computer to frame her. Never trust someone with a goatee.

9:34 Claire Daines has some dancin’ legs. Girl is jacked in a hot way. Trust me, Claires with dancer legs are fantastic.

9:37 Karen visits the still-in-a-coma Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque. She wants him to be awoken, but only his siter, Sherri 2.0, can provide clearance to risk his life like that. Clearly, she will, because she’s a hippie and she’ll want to avoid the nuclear retaliation against NUMC.

9:40 Ricky’s interrogating Nadia, BY GRABBING HER THROAT. He’s absolutely. hard. core. But in a farm more prickish way than Jack. Now, MMM’s to the rescue. Oh, yeah, Morris back-traced the signal and the Tech Terrorist is three blocks away. Also, I think Nadia and MMM just broke up, because his silence admitted that he doesn't believe in her innocence.

Needs anger management, hug.

9:41 A taped up Jack reads The Love of My Life's File. There are pictures of a (partially covered) body. I still refuse to believe any of this. She is not dead. No. Frakking. Way.

seriously? no way is she gone. no way.

9:42 Jack’s body is a MESS. Just cuts and gore everywhere. I like how they wrapped him up in bandages so that they didn't have to blow the whole budget on body makeup. Good thing he’s suited up and ready to kick some ass now. He’s headed out with SilverJack and the rest of the team.

9:44 YES! Jack’s reason to live: Vengeance. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m pretty sure he just told Bill, “Audrey died trying to get me out of prison, because she thought I was worth it. I’m not letting her down. I’m finishing this. And when I’m done, tell the Chinese that I’m comin’…AND HELL’S COMIN’ WITH ME!!!!”

'Nuff said!

9:45 dammit. Pens lose 2-1. We blow a chance to catch Jersey. There’s still time though.

9:50 They made hotness not hot real quick. Oh- I almost forgot, the target’s San Francisco. This is all an elaborate plot to keep Barry Bonds from breaking Hank Aaron’s record. Think about it, he’s the only person universally loathed enough to bring terrorists and Russian nationals together in harmony.

Really... i'm kinda with the terrorists on this one.

9:52 Jack leads the Tact Team in. Umm, SilverJack—just watch your throat. Let’s play the Jack Bauer Vengeance Body Counting Game: ONE! Dead terrorist ahaha. Two! Two-a dead-a-terorists ahaha! Three! Three-ah-dead-aterrorists, ahaha! (Techie was the last to go).

Jack had all three kills. The first two were, in a word: surgical. I think we can officially consider him FINALLY BACK.

9:54 There’s no way to disarm the bomb! The bomb automatically detonates in 30 seconds! Jack can’t turn the drone too quickly! The graphics look like flight simulator 1995! Jack’s the greatest video game pilot in the world! The drone’s needs 500 feet of runway to land and….SHE’S DOWN! She’s crashing! She'’…………………………on fire! She’s………..not blowing up!!!!! We win! Bite me, Gredenko/Fayed! Score one for democracy!

Uram and I discussed this later, and it's clear that Jack Bauer is the Greatest Video Game Player in the History of the World. In fact, it's not well known, but the Fred Savage classic The Wizard was based on his life. Other Jack Bauer video game facts include:

He beat Contra without using the code. Without dying.
He beat Mario 3 without using any warp whistles. In 20 minutes.
He plays MarioKart blindfolded, and has never lost a race.
He is the only person in the history of ever to successfully shoot the Duck Hunt dog.

9:56 Recount: Techie’s still alive. Jack gets to do some interrogating. Uh oh…as the first responders arrive on the crash site, is anyone else waiting for this nuke to go off? Oooh..maybe it's worse. There's radiation leaking everywhere.

9:59 Tension is freakin’ high. I'm still waiting for Artoo to detonate. Crap, we’ve got a “dirty bomb” radiation leak and Palpatine’s looking for any excuse to strike. Civilian deaths and environmental damage will be “untold” even Yanosh no longer agrees with a warning shot. Palpatine’s ordering it anyway. We’re an hour away from a counterstrike.

10:00 "The order isgiven. Launch the missiles as soon as [the subs] are in range."

Now that’s an hour! Great, great stuff there! If Audrey were alive (GUARANTEED THAT SHE IS) and the Pens hadn’t lost, I’d be mega-psyched right now.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed the live blog. I’ll admit, it was kind of fun to type it up while watching. Perhaps I should invest in a laptop….

See yinz next week.

-apk

Note: I orginally wrote this on 3/15. I was totally going to finish it, too..but..well, you'll see. Bon appetite.

Well, Los Penguinos make me extremely happy. In light of the excitement generated by a 3-0 shutout of the hated Devils, in New Jersey, by our backup goaltender, where Jarkko Ruutu had two points, I have decided to forego Casino Royale in lieu of writing for all of you. In the words of Xerxes, “I am kind”.

On with the show! Err…24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while visions of green beers jigged in my head.

1. Location, Location, Location. We’re LIVE from my bedroom, which means there are no Tomatoes to crack jokes with, and I’m experiencing the Jack Bauer Power Hour in all the glory of a 19” RCA that I bought off the floor in Wal*Mart back in 2001. Meanwhile, my roommate’s watching whatever certified crap is playing on MTV right now, downstairs, on my 62” HDTV. In other words, prepare for a pissy review.

Bite me, The Hills.

2. I want ANSWERS!!! During the recap, I’m left to ponder, again, the eternal question: “Why didn’t Jack just leave the Consulate through the window?” I think the correct answer is a toss-up between “bulletproof glass protects from snipers” and “dramatic reasons”. Eh.

3. Great Line #15. Chloe to Chuck, “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent, I’m gonna go.” Generally, the whole “Chuck goes to CTU” scene was pretty cool, and it was augmented nicely by more cool chimey music. The music this season’s been stellar, by the way.

4. SilverJack. Holy crap, does Ricky Schroeder look old. Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Mike Doyle” BlackJack’s replacement and new Resident CTU Hardass. For the moment, I’m going to ignore the rumors that the Rickster’s being groomed to become Keifer’s torchbearer, and instead read from Mr. Doyle’s CTU Personnel file:

Doyle, raised by a single father who was an owner of a multinational toy company empire, grew up in a mansion stocked with arcade video games, a scale model freight train that ran throughout the house, and countless other amenities. Raised in the lap of luxury, his world fell apart after scandal rocked his father, an overgrown manchild himself, and his second wife, the luscious Erin Gray. After a 60 Minutes expose revealed that Eddie Toys were built in sweatshops throughout Indonesia, Gray filed for divorce and successfully took the vast majority of Doyle’s father’s assets. Shortly thereafter, Doyle became a hardcore freebase heroin addict. That is, until a run in with Columbian drug runners resulted in the paralysis of his long time friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman) and the death of his best friend, Alfonso Spears (Alfonso Ribeiro). Following this tragic incident, Doyle’s life worsened before it became better, as noted porn magnate Freddy Lippencottleman helped Doyle “greive” through a life of utter debauchery. It wasn’t until Doyle reconnected with his father that he cleaned up his life and joined the New York City Police Department. After three years of wearing the NYPD Blues, Doyle joined CTU and has become one of its rising stars. His record is noted for multiple citations of merit. However, his love of trains, Buck Rodgers reruns, and silver spoons shows a disconcerting inability to relinquish his sketchy past. As such, he is known to experience sudden outbursts of violence, especially against British people that remind him of his grandfather.

Morris had better watch out.

Happier times.

5. INVASION! Holy Crap! Bill Buchanan’s gonna do it! We’re goin in after CCCP! Getting Jack back is secondary, but whatever—they’re gonna invade Russia!

6. Working for CTU is like going to Dickinson College. Everybody knows everyone, if you get my drift. I mean, really, was it entirely necessary to make Doyle and MMM long-time rivals? The only thing this season needs less than Sherri Palmer 2.0 is more frakkin’ CTU in-fighting. What’s next? A mole in CTU? (Edit: according to next week’s preview: Yup. …groan/yawn).

7. The Great Escape: Part Deux. Woah! Jack just used Aaronslav Pierkofsky’s BELT to snapmare the douchey Ruskie guard, steal his gun, and then AVENGE Aaronslav’s death. That was nearly as cool as when Jack ATE THE TERRORIST’S WINDPIPE. Remember? Way back in Hour 1 or 2, when Day Six was tremendous?

8. Can you hear me now? No? Crap. Well Jack got through to CTU just long enough to inform Morris that he knows where the nukes are. Though he ran out of anytime minutes before explaining the entire plan, Jack has been upgraded to Number 1 Priority. I like that little piece of writing, there, actually.

9. America’s Greatest Weapon: A Whacked Out Designing Woman. Follow the logic: Chuck needs to talk to Marty so she can talk to Mrs. Zubarov so she can tell Mr. Zubarov to let CTU invade Russian Soil because the deposed criminal mastermind Ex-POTUS, who tried to have the Zubarov’s killed during Day Five, says that CCCP is the one who’s responsible for the nukes in America. Got that? Great plan. I’m sure Zubarov will bite like nothing. Y’know—gotta trust Crazy Marty Logan. I’m actively pulling my hair out right now.

10. Is Mike Doyle gonna have to choke a bitch? That was refreshing. I’m with SilverJack, now. He just put all of CTU in its place. I don’t even care that he had to choke Morris to do it. Maybe now we can put to bed all of the incessant CTU in-fighting/whining plotlines, and get to some terrorbustin. I mean, really—A NUKE JUST WENT OFF IN AMERICA, I feel like everyone would be acting a little more seriously at this juncture. Especially Morris, who’s apparently not consumed with guilt enough to stop being a prick to everyone. Glad this all done. What? Milo’s starting crap with Doyle…for the second time in 20 minutes? Really. Sigh.

11. On second thought. MIKE DOYLE IS RICKY SCHROEDER!!! I can’t take him seriously as a badass. Why couldn’t they have picked someone more hard? Y’know, like one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). I could be making Lost Boys jokes right now! Speaking of which, an imdb search just revealed the Billy Wirth was “Dwayne the Human Slayer” in Lost Boys. I associate the name Billy Wirth with one thing only—The Greatest American Gladiators Contender of All Time. HERE he 1) starts a fight with mega-tool Gemini; 2) makes a sweet-ass diving score as time expires; and 3) makes millions of little white kids want to wear a doo-rag. A True Champion, if there ever was one.

What was I talking about, again? Oh, yeah- Ricky Schroeder’s got a long way to go to convince me that he can be a supreme Bauer-level badass.

12. Intermission. As we take a powder with the DC storyline, let’s recap the awesome setup we’ve got going here, if only so that I can bitch more later when there’s no payoff. 1) Jack’s on the run inside the consulate with only a gun and his wits. He doesn’t care if he lives, he just needs to make a phone call first. 2) Chuck has to convince Crazy Marty to convince the Russians to allow: 3) ALL OUT ASSAULT ON THE CONSULATE. This, my friends, is gonna get good.

13. Err...not. Screw it. This hour sucked. There should have been half an hour of Jack jumping Russian guardsmen like Batman and working his way out of the Consulate. Instead, he hid. And we spent a half hour reuniting Crazyass Marty and her live in paramour, the Awesome Aaron Pierce with Chuck. Unfortunately, Aaron has been totally emasculated by Crazyass Marty, who's SO CRAZY that she flipped her $#!+ and stabbed Chuck in the ...umm..rotator cuff. But, apparently, she almost totally nailed his artery. So the hour ends with Chuck flatlining on the way to the hospital. Does he die, tune in next week! Important things only happen as hours end!

What about Jack, you ask? Oh...well, he hacked and slashed his way out of the Consulate in true Leonidas/Bauertastic Style. Wha? No. he, umm, hid. AND WAITED FOR RICKY SCHROEDER TO SAVE HIM (after, of course, Crazyass Marty settled down and MADE THAT PHONE CALL). By the way, she convinced the Russian First Lady to convince the Russian President that CCCP was EVIL and that CTU should be allowed to invade Russian territory and kill Russian citizens in oh...about 2 minutes.

After all of this, Bearded Bad and Bald Bad launched a drone, anyway.

Bravo.

what a piece of crap super-boring hour.

I'm going to watch Casino Royale and bask in the glory of Daniel Craig and the pure and utter absolute beauty of Eva Green-- the only woman that could steal me away from Audrey.

You're on notice 24. Get cool again, toot suite!

-apk

3.19.2007

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