Well, THIS will likely end up next to my 1985 Millenium Falcon toy and classic Dirk Benedict "Starbuck" figure.
Kinda sucks there's no Tony Almeida with "Gimp-tastic Broken Ankle Action and Cubs Coffe Mug Grip", President Palmer with "'SAVE ME FROM WHAT'" Button-Activated Voicechip" or Marwan with "Run Up the Stairs to Elude Capture" strategem figures. It's just all Jack, all the time. For now.
...counting down the days until the Audrey figure is released,
-apk
1.11.2007
24 Awesome Things: Part Three
You know, friends, you're allowed to comment. The interactivity of the Interweb is what makes the information age better than, say, the Cenozoic. I know big words. And paleontology. Anyway, let's get to it, shall we?
12. Aaron Pierce: "Yo, Wolf Face. I'm Your Worst Nightmare. Your Ass is Mine."
How freaking awesome was this moment? Remember when Martha Logan hopped into the limo with the Russian First Family because she actually thought that POTUS wouldn't let her die. WOOPS! That one didn't work out so well, did it Marty? Anyway, so while POTUS and (if memory serves) Walt Cummings are weeping and holding each other while POTUS waits to become a widower, the limousine caravan is attacked, Clear & Present Danger-style by the Militant Ruskies of Doom. Everything's about to go straight to hell, until Aaron Pierce, the Purest-Hearted-Man-in-America/True Patriot Champion steps up, kicks ass, and saves the day. To be honest, I can't remember the specifics. I can remember that it was awesome. Good enough for me. Aaron's the man. In fact, I like to believe he's what Captain America would be like if he hadn't frozen in the Atlantic at the end of World War II.
11. Jack Bauer: Saving America by Beheading Pedophile Snitches
Though I can't understand why, Jack was in a pretty bad place after Teri bit it. Instead of drowining himself in booze and women while writing Nina a daily Thank You Card for freeing him of his whiny, stupid, pixi-haird albatross, he left CTU, grew a beard, dressed like a hobo, started popping pills, became estranged from his daughter, and started living in some P.O.S. apartment in the San Fernando Valley (or Compton. Whatever). As Day Two began, all we could ask was, "What happened to our hero?" and "What can possibly bring him out of his doldrums?" It seemed Jack was just going to spiral down into loathsome pit of self-loathing. And that's bad. Then: his country called.
A pedophile mob boss was brought in for questioning, and after George "Basil Exposition" Mason firmly established that the hooligan had already cut a deal and would be free to prey on little kiddies again, Jack, still broken and emotionally scarred, flipped the Bauer Switch to the "on" position, shot the bastard point-blank in the chest, and informed Mason that "I'm gonna need a hacksaw" so he could cut the dude's head off and use it as a free pass so he could join a minuteman cell. As the hour draws to a close, Jack shaves the hobo-beard and symbolically establishes that, like a Phoenix (or some other city in Arizona), the old Jack may have died, but the new Jack has risen. And he's pissed. Really, I'm pretty sure that this story is the first chapter of "Chicken Soup for the Super Agent's Soul".
(It should be noted that this scene is so perfect that it was blatantly stolen this past fall by the other Best Show on TV, Battlestar Galactica when Starbuck cut her hair with a combat knife.)
10. POTUS IS EVIL ?!?!?!?!?
I remember telling a friend of mine about this Incredible Diamond Cutter Moment the day after it happened. She had been watching the show for a while, but had given up on it. When I told what had happened, she said, plain as day, "This is why I don't watch that show anymore. It's ridiculous". Needless to say, we are no longer friends.
Really, if I have to explain to you how improbable/ballsy/awesome it was to reveal that POTUS Logan, the spineless bastard to end all spineless bastards, was actually EVILLLLLL all along, and that he was behind the deaths of Palmer, Doe-Eyes, and (essentially) Tony, then you probably shouldn't be here.
9. Jack Bauer: Father of the Year/Kim Avenges Zack Morris
"Kim, shoot him. Now, shoot him again." Jack is the Best. Dad. Ever. No, seriously. Did any of your dads ever let you shoot your boss? I didn't think so. So we've reached the end of Kim's Incredible Misadventure in Babysitting and freakin' Gary Matheson has been chasing the poor girl all over SoCal. He finally catches up to her when she's dumb enough to go BACK TO HIS HOUSE. Worse yet, Kate "I've Generally Got My Shit Together" Warner thought that this was a good idea. Obviously, Kate was trying to gain Kim's acceptance by acting as dumb as Kim's dead mom. Fair enough, Kate. Wouldn't have been my plan, but I've been single since the Clinton Administration, what do I know? Though, I wonder why Jack dumped you before Day Three? I digress.
So yeah, Gary Matheson finds Kim in his house, chases her around, and Kim eventually shoots him dead while on the phone with Jack, who goes so far as to give her instructions on how to use the gun, then tell his Kimmy-girl to be sure to put an extra round in the Garmeister for the sake of thoroughness. These are not the life-lessons one gets when his father is a machinist, let me tell you that. I mean, my dad only ever taught me how to change an alternator. Useful, but what happens when the guy I used to babysit for tries to kill me? Then what do I do, dad?
I guess by now you're wondering what all the talk about Kim "Avenging Zack Morris" is about, huh? I suppose I should explain: up until, oh, yesterday, when I decided to fact-check, I was convinced that Gary Matheson was played by the same douchebag that stole Kelly from Zack in Saved by the Bell. You know, Jeff. HATE that guy. He and Francisco Cabrera a responsible for destroying two of my three biggest childhood dreams: 1) that the Pirates would win a World Series and 2) that Zack would win Kelly, forever, over Slater, and that 3) I'd marry Belinda Carlisle. You can imagine my excitement when Patrick Muldoon (the guy who played Jeff) had his brains sucked out by the Brain Bug in Starship Troopers after he pulled the same shit and stole Denise Richards from Johnny Rico. In fact, if Starship Troopers is on, I'll watch it just to see three things: 1) Michael Ironsides, 2) breasts, and 3) Jeff having his brains sucked out. Imagine my disappointment when I learned during my aforementioned fact check that some dillweed named "Billy Burke" was Gary Matheson. "Well," I thought to myself, "at the time, I thought Kim had avenged Zack, so screw it! This moment is still awesome." And now here we are.
8. Jack Interrogates Nina
We'll get more into Nina a little lower on the list (like you didn't think that was coming). Since that last one was so long, I'll try to sum up here. The awesome parts about Jack interrogating Nina in CTU during Day Two: A) The INCREDIBLE shot where she's being brought in, and Jack sees her for the first time, B) Jack flips over the table and pushes Nina's chair by her neck all the way up against the wall, C) Jack shoots the wall right beside her head and scares the shit out of her. D) Jack checking back and forth with George Mason, convincing him that everything's under control, even though you don't believe him, while he gives orders like, "turn the temperature up three degrees". All phenomenal. In a series full of tremendous interrogations, this one takes the cake. And it's all capped off by their plane ride later, when Jack gives the really moving speech about what Nina took away from the world when she killed Teri (spoilers).
7. They're DEAD...THEY'RE ALL DEAD!!!!
The Ethan Hunt's IMF Team Memorial Trophy goes to the first 15 minutes of Day Five: Palmer- shot in the mutherfrakkin' head; Doe-Eyes :( - blown up. Tony- almost blown up: status unknown (eventually punked out like a little bitch by Robocop). Chloe- on the run, not looking so good.
Nothing else could have raised the stakes faster or more hardcore as Day Five began than the decision to kill everyone you care about that's not Jack (or, obviously, Audrey). It was so shocking that there wasn't even time to be pissed until the episode was over. Then you realized that it hurt. Then you realized that the only way to feel better was to root for Jack to bring all the bastards to justice that were responsible for the outrage. When he does, I'll be the first to pop the champagne.
Okay, kids- hope you enjoyed Part Three. Not gonna lie, time was tight for this one, so I apologize if it's not up to the lofty standards that I've already set here at 24TADS. Be good, and I'll see you tomorrow for the FINAL SIX AWESOME MOMENTS!
-apk
PS: A word to the wise. Whatever you do, don't read the Wikipedia page for Day Six. DAMMIT! I hath been spoiled about the death of...
News Thing: Day Six Preview
I've been sending links to all things 24 to you guys forever. This is easier. Anything cool I find, you'll find here. Starting with this little semi-preview of FOUR HOUR EVENT OF AWESOME by the AP. (Beware: Mini Spoliers)
12-6 Most Awesome Things will be posted by midnight, hopefully.
-apk
1.10.2007
24 Awesome Things: Part Two
Welcome back to 24 Awesome Things! Let's hit the ground running, because this one's verbose!
18. Doe-Eyes and Audrey: Together at Last
In retrospect, I didn't even realize what was happening. Like I said, my rookie season was Day Four, so I didn't know anything about Michelle "Doe-Eyes" Dessler when she returned to CTU at Hour 13. I recognized instantly that she was hot, but she didn't become the apple of my eye until I watched Day Two on DVD. Now, torn between two women, (but not really, cuz I mean, Audrey's Audrey) I realized that they likely shared some scenes together during Day Four. I'll probably buy the Day Four DVDs now, just so I can bare witness to this harmonic convergence.
17. The "Only Man That Jack Can Trust" Saves the Day...Again
This is another moment that is awesome in retrospect. When Jack ran out of bullets as he and Audrey were running for their lives in an office building during Day Four, the intensity was so high that I forgot that Jack had already placed a phone call to "the only man I can trust". When Tony showed up and wiped the floor with the remaining bad guys, I instantly knew that he was badass. I had no idea just how badass Tony was until I went back and watched Days One and Two. Sure, he's kind of a bitch during Day One, but he looks amazingly cool when he shows up at the Warner Hacienda to do some questioning during Day Two. And yes, he died like a bitch and didn't even get a Silent Clock (spoiler), but I hear that he did some cool stuff during Day Three. In short, Tony's awesome, and this moment, which ironically happened when the character was at his lowest, was probably his best.
PS: I got to see Tony at the All-Star Game this summer. Dude can rake on a softball field. He is awesome. I hope that they use him in the 24 movie.
16. Palmer Requests that Sherri Kindly Go Frak Herself.
Sherri Palmer. Two words that grate on my neurons like none other than perhaps "Teri Bauer". Lord, she sucked. I've never seen her die, but it doesn't make me any less happy that it happened. But I digress. President Palmer freakin' rocks, and at this point, Dennis Haysbert should just change his name and run for the Democrats in '08. He'd have my vote. Sadly, this list will have a noticeable shortage of Awesome Palmer Moments. Mea Culpa, on that one, kids. It's just that I'm normally terribly bored by Palmer's plotlines (like Keith killed a guy! And Sherri's a bitch!). I guess if I want to list great moments in David Palmer's history, I should start a Major League blog (I say, forgetyou Jobu, I do it myself!) or a The Unit blog (umm..i don't know any The Unit quotes. I don't watch it. But I hear it's the balls). Anyway, at the end of Day One, Palmer loses his last nerve, blows his top, and eventually has Sherri escorted away from his life. This was cool. Also cool- when he set up the slutty scriptwriter that Sherri was using to set him up with, and straight up fired her. Palmer rules.
15. Kimmy go BOOM!
This moment makes it because it's so ridiculous and it leads to the incredible storyline that is "Teri has Amnesia!" I know a lot of people criticize Kim, and say that she sucks. I kindly disagree. She's clearly the only thing on this planet that Jack cares about, and her fabulous Day Two <isadventure In Babysitting is fun in it's own melodramatically cheesy way (and at least it has a great payoff). I won't even comment on the scrumdiddilyumptiousness of Elisha Cuthbert. There's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know. (Note to self: Self, get to work on the "Top Ten 24 Hotties" list). As for the notorious Cougar—there's no way that the Cougar is any lamer than Teri has Amnesia! (and she happens to run into her ex-boyfriend!). I mean, when you're stealing plot ideas from The Muppets Take Manhattan, there's really no comparison.
apk, get back on track again. Okay. Teri and Kim's safe house is attacked by Drazen's people, so they jump in a car and haul ass. Teri does a good job of avoiding the shooter (which is probably the only thing she does effectively, other than die, all season) but when she parks the car on a side road, then retardedly walks up the hill to check for the assassin (what could she possibly do up there, other than reveal her location to the killer?) the car slips down the hill and explodes. Because that's what car's do when they roll down hills. When Teri thinks that Kim is dead (and we never learn how she gets out (NO FLASHBACKS!)), she instantly imagines what Jack's going to do to her when he finds out that Kimmy went Boom, her brain turns off, and she faints. She then wakes up with Amnesia! This actually happened on this amazing show. Really.
Anyway, sorry to ramble. In short, in this scene, Teri Bauer believes that her utter incompetence killed her daughter. No one likes Teri Bauer (except Kup, because he likes anything with a pixi haircut). Hence, this scene is awesome.
14. Edgar Hilariously Does Something Awkwardly Stupid: He Dies. Many Weep.
Oddly, I'm having a hard time remembering great moments from Day Five off the top of my head. I mean, it's pretty much almost universally considered to be like, the best season yet. I'm not so sure that it's true, but I know there were more moments that I'm not remembering. Feel free to help out. That being said, I frakking hate Edgar. Never liked him. He's big and dumb. And a pain in the ass. He's a big dumb pain in the ass. From Brooklyn. Living in LA. He's basically a fat version of the sitcom Joey sitting behind a desk at CTU and making eyes at Chloe. Chloe! What a doof. Oh, boo hoo, Edgar...Chloe slept with the good looking non-dork guy. Your life is so hard. Why don't you whine about your dead mom some more? God, I hate Edgar. And I really hate that he got a Silent Clock, but Palmer, Doe-Eyes and Tony did not. Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot. Seriously, though, his death was done really well, and it's easily one of the more tragic moments in 24 history. As I type this, in my mind's eye I can still see Chloe crying as Edgar has his Spock Moment* and the silent count hits. Hell, even Jack looked broken up by it, and he barely knew the bastard. What's the epitome of an awesome moment? Take a guy I hate, kill him, and make me feel it. 24, please collect your Emmy.
13. I Owe Blackjack Everything
There she was, pinned down, hiding behind haystacks, waiting for her doom. She thought her father was dead, and she had been through hell herself. Jack couldn't stay to protect her, again. My Audrey, alone and scared, but defiant. Just hoping to survive. Meanwhile, I've gone from the edge of Jerry's couch to the floor, and have started to creep nervously towards the TV, so that I can reach out and save her from her obvious fate. Audrey's going to die, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
So, I'm being melodramatic. You'll get used to it. I was nervous as hell, though. And I'm pretty sure that I was begging the TV not to kill her off. Then, all of a sudden, like a Guardian Angel of Awesomeness, Blackjack arrived on the scene in dramatic "crept up behind Audrey and scared all of us" fashion, and shuttled her off to safety. Thank you, Blackjack. I am the Luke to your Han, I owe you one. (Note: I only included this moment so I didn't have to get sappy on y'all and write about how awesome it was when Jack and Audrey got back together mid-way through Day Five. During that scene, I was like a fourteen year old girl watching Grey's Anatomy and rooting for Mer ( so lame when people call her that) and McDreamy to just freakin' hook up already!!!! ::giggles:: The lesson: there weren't enough boys in Madison, PA during the 1980s.
And that, my friends, brings us to the end of Part Two. I'll be back tomorrow with the 12 through 7 Most Subjectively Awesome moments. Be sure to come back on Friday when I hit the big ones: 6 through 1. You certainly don't want to miss me talking about things like <insert mega-exciting music here> Nina Myers!; "I'm gonna need a hacksaw;" They're dead- they're ALL DEAD; and Kim Bauer: The Avenging Angel of Zack Morris.
See you tomorrow, same Bat-Time. Same Bat-Channel.
-apk
*("the needs of the many...outweigh...the needs of the few...you have been...and always will be... my friend....live long...and...prosper...*dies*)
1.09.2007
24 Awesome Things: Part One
In order to kick things off here at 24TADS, I figured that I'd do what all good bloggers do: make a list. Yes, "The List". As American as football, apple pie, and smog, The List is probably America's greatest gift to world culture since the proliferation of jazz and comic books. The List answers, with finality, those questions that plague mankind like, "What are the 50 greatest celebrity nip-slips?" and "What are the 100 greatest moments in Gong Show history?" The List. Purely subjective. Always controversial. The List.
A 24 list is apropos, right? Well, before I get started, I need to give credit to This Site, which has a great list of moments through Day Three of its own. I read it a long, long time ago, and found it rather funny. Feel free to follow the link and have some fun. I'll admit it, I may have inadvertently stolen a quip or line or six from there. You'll get over it. You're young. What I couldn't steal, however, is this gem, "If Jack was in a fight with Superman and He-Man at the same time, he would just break He-Man's arm and hurl the power sword into Superman's chest." Indeed, faceless Internet Guy. Indeed. That sentence is the epitome of hilarity, and it perfectly represents everything I want this little piece of the Interweb to be.
So, without further ado, I give you Part One of the "24 Moments I think I'm pretty sure I feel, off the top of my head, were the best moments of 24*"
*Does not include Day Three. Sorry. I've not seen it. I know I suck, and I know that it's Doe-Eyes filled to the max. Sue me. None of my friends own it. Feel free to buy it for me as a "special thank you" for being so awesome and creating this blog. You're welcome.
24. Jack, Paul Raines (herewithin known as "Sissy McWussypants"), and two Swell Muslim Guys ™ hold off rioters as Jack single-handedly ends anti-Muslim sentiment in America.
It's true, it's true. During Day Four, critics derided the series so much for its negative portrayal of a fundamentalist Muslim sleeper cell as a family of deranged-evil terrorists, that always-politically correct FOX (who brought you "Temptation Island" and "When Murderous Rampaging Beasts Maul Hillbillies 7") flinched. In response, FOX ran those amusing "No, really, Muslims aren't all bad" bumpers where Keifer begged you to heal the hate, and then also sent our intrepid lead into blood-soaked LA while on the run with Sissy from some Evil Henchmen Mercenaries. Jack and Sissy fled to a hardware store where they holed up with two Swell Muslim Guys who helped them fend off the forces of EVIL. The next day, America elected a Muslim President, it became socially acceptable to read the Koran in colleges, and Pat Robertson taught us all that "Mohammed was actually pretty cool" (this may not have really happened). Was it a cheesy, blatant attempt to quell critics? Yup. And it worked, too. But it's here because it was one pretty badass shootout. You go, two Swell Muslim Guys!
23. Marie Warner is EVIL!!!!
(Spoiler) No, seriously, the perky, cute blonde girl from The Faculty is actually evil here, too! During Day Two (my personally favorite season), the show pulled the equivalent of a double-reverse flea-flicker and, after convincing us that Marie's Dad Bob and her fiancée "Don't call me Toka" Reza were actually the guys connected with the missing nuke, revealed that the cheerleaderesque ditz Marie was actually a cold-blooded fanatic terrorist/murderer. The Whisenhuntness of this Diamond Cutter Moment cannot be understated. Well played, writers. Well played.
22. Jack saves Heller&Raines, kills 117 terrorists in six minutes.
I've got to put this here, because this moment captured me as a 24 fan for all time. I didn't get into the show until my buddy Dr. Pizz and I happened to lazily leave the TV on after some NFL Playoff games. Two hours later, we were intrigued. By the time Jack saved Audrey (Hereinafter "The Love of My Life" or "My Girlfriend Audrey") and Sec. Heller in one tremendously badass firefight/rescue sequence, I was hooked for life. I remember being surprised at seeing so much sweet movie-style violence on primetime TV. Who says the entertainment industry's in trouble? Not me. In something like, I dunno, four minutes at the beginning of Hour Six, Jack killed a small county's worth of terrorists, saved the day, and got his girl back. Awesome.
21. Rudy Gamgee figures out "Flank Two Position", Blackjack saves the day.
Jerry, Nat, and I are all pretty big Curtis, "Blackjack" Manning fans, and, even though he has a tendency to take a bullet every time he goes into battle with Jack, he appears at least twice on this list. (If you know me well enough, I'm sure you can guess his greatest moment). Anyway, since Curtis was leading the charge this time, he didn't take a bullet. In fact, he saved Jack's ass. This was during the beginning of Day Five, when the airport was under siege by The Guy that Should Have Been the Big Bad. Captured, and with his young stupid friend about to be executed, Jack had no choice but to feed false position information to Curtis's CTU SWAT team. Though we didn't realize it at the time, Jack had encoded his message with a distress warning that he was in a "Flank Two position, repeat, a Flank Two position". However, since the warning was outdated and no longer a code, only Sean Astin, in his best strategic moment since "Toy Soldiers" figured it out. As the incomparably annoying Linn McGill (Astin) scrambled to inform Blackjack's assault team, we waited in anticipation to find whether the message got through. As Curtis and his Army of Asskickers blew through the wall and gatted the everliving shit out of every Evil Russian in the place, we learned two things: Jack is smarter than you, and Curtis is more than just a target.
20. T.C. McQueen takes over CTU
Unless my baby brother, Gooder, is reading this, only Jerry understands this post. It's okay though. It's my list. You don't have a list, do you? Well, when you write one, you can move Bill Buchanan's ascension to CTU chief off, and replace it with that Really Awesome Time That Edgar Said Something Retarded. I'm sure that was tremendous. Anyway, Jim Morrison, the man behind Bill Buchanan, used to be the Bauerist guy on a short-lived scifi show called Space: Above and Beyond. In one of the best hours of TV I know, an episode called "The Angriest Angel," Morrison, playing hardnosed spacefighter pilot Col. Tyrus Cassius McQueen defies all odds, gets into killing shape, gets back in the cockpit, and avenges his friend's death by blowing up the Alien Red Baron really really good. Seriously, this hour of TV is self-contained and phenomenal. I love it. Morrison's one of my favorite unsung actors, and when he stepped into CTU, I was beyond excited. If Buchanan ever dies, I'll likely cry. Bonus: he definitely tagged Doe-Eyes. My. Hero.
19. Jack Bauer punk'd Sayed Ali, makes George Lucas his bitch.
How do you get a fundamentalist terrorist to talk? Find his kids, who are supposed to be safely nestled into bed 10,000 miles away, and kill them in front of him, that's how! I'm pretty sure that's like, the third thing they teach you in Super Badass Agent School. The first is, of course, "disemboweling with a towel," while the second is "lampshade electro-nipple shock". Honestly, I can't believe I almost forgot about this moment. After Jack used his Batman-like detective skills, which were honed during summers at Indian Camp (true story), to determine that Evil-doer Sayed Ali had not lit himself on fire to escape capture, Jack hunted him down in the bowels of a mosque, promptly kicked his ass, and tied him to a chair. Alas, Ali wouldn't talk, and Jack was RUNNING OUT OF TIME (plus, I'm certain he wanted to hook up with Kate Warner, who wouldn't?) so he had to resort to desperate measures. He had a TV brought in, and basically made Ali watch as his kid was shot in the head. Before the rest of the family could be executed, Mr. Supertough Mr. Man Ali talked, and Jack went on to save the known universe, and roughly 2/3 of all dark matter. Sure, it was later revealed that Jack had faked the whole thing, using special effects (or something) that were better than anything found in a Star Wars prequel, and Jack (rather compassionately, I might add) later told Ali the truth before Ali was assassinated; but at the time, I believed that Jack had gone through with it, too. The only thing this episode was missing was Ashton Kutcher (thank God).
Well, that's all we've got for now. I'll be back with six more tomorrow, and each day thereafter, which should take us right into the Premiere to End All Premieres (2007 Edition) on Sunday.
Be good to each other.
-apk
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