(EDITOR'S NOTE: This post has been re-revised, because finishing it at 1:00AM was a bad idea. Some of the jokes might actually work now.) Seriously?
These posts are the only thing I hate about 2 HOUR 24 EVENTS on FOX! Writing 48 things is easy. Typing them up—not so much.
Enough bellyaching, though, it’s time that I get back at it and hook you up with
24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while watching Mike Rowe paddle around in a manmade pond of liquid cow manure extract on what may be the best reality/docu show in the history of TV, Discovery’s
Dirty Jobs.
If you’ve not watched this show, you should start.
Also, I hate the Tampa Bay Lightning.
1. “Nice Jacket.” We’re right back at it for the second hour of Day Six’s SECOND 2 HOUR 24 EVENT. LIVE! from the International Tomato HQ, where the King Tomato has just informed me that Bearded Bad, Evil Russian Patriot Vladimir Gredenko, was the bum that Christian Bale gave his jacket to in Batman Begins. I was going to check on IMDB, but it appears that the network in my apartment is on the fritz. Sadly, there will be a lack of pretty pictures to this update, too. Edit: I’m back online, baby! IMDB confirms it. Man, that Jerry’s smart (obviously, he looked it up in order to make the blog) Additionally, did you realize that Bearded Bad has also appeared as the Scientist Guy that created Chimera/Bellerophon in MI:2? Sprout also reports that he’s previously played the part of “Sinister Russian” in the Val Kilmer classic, The Saint. Knowledge is power, people. The more you know… (Cue shooting star, peacock).
2. Riiiiiight…. Okay, the CTUniverse Clock is showing 2:04, and in the approximately six minutes since Jack saved LA from suitcase nuke #2, CTU has hacked, decrypted, and analyzed all of the information in the computer that Bald Bad left behind during his mad-dash escape from the hideout. This is the same CTU, mind you, that couldn’t track an $80,000 Maserati through the LA suburbs even though they had six dozen cameras and a helicopter on it.. Sure, sure.
3. Now, C’MON!! See previous Thing. AND NOW MORRIS IS AT CTU?? (and he's feeling particularly angsty about wussing out and giving Bald Bad a Fully Armed and Operational Battlestation). How did he get to CTU so quickly? What did he do? Teleport? Dear Creators of 24, This Show is in Real Time. It’s kind of your gimmick. Remember?
::telephone rings::
Hello? Hey, everybody! It’s Joel Surnow and Keifer Sutherland, two of the producers of 24! What’s that guys? Oh, you don’t care about making the gimmick legitimate anymore, because 17 million people watch the show every week, and in your opinion, sticking hard to the gimmick only constrains the flow of drama-- a lesson you learned during some of the major downtime during Day One? Also, the general public is okay with some leaps in faith, so long as things keep moving, and it’s only nerds like me that spend our free time writing and maintaining blogs about a TV show that nitpick crap like "sticking within the constraints of the gimmick" to death? Oh, and you’re rich?
Touché.
Okay, I give up.
4. Jack returns to CTU. This is a cool little moment where Jack returns to CTU for the first time since being abducted by the Chinese, and every pencil pusher there takes notice. You'd think they'd have a bronzed statue of his likeness there by now, huh? I can't help but wonder what he's thinking as he returns to the place where (deep breath) hiswifewasmurderedbythewomanhewascheatingonherwith,
hehelpedminutemenblowupwhilehisonlydaughterwasinside,
hewasforcedtoshoothisbosswithaknockoutdart,
heshotaterroristintheleg,hecutapedaphile'sheadoffwitha
hacksaw,heinterrogatedthewomanthatkilledhiswife,hefaked
hisdeath,hisbestfriend,whohadbeenkilledbyhisownmentor,
diedinhisarms,hechosethelifeofaChineseconspiratoroverthatof
theex-husbandoftheloveofhislife(whohadrecentlysavedhislife),
andhewatchedeveryonediefromexposuretoasuper-toxicnervegas.
(exhales). I bet he's thinking, "Man, it's great to be home."
5. If I were planning on setting of a bunch of nukes in LA, I’d totally hang out there. Okay, the evidence on the aforementioned hard drive has given us a lead re: the whereabouts of Bearded Bad. Apparently, he’s somewhere “in the Pacific Time Zone.” Instantly, everyone in CTU comes to the conclusion that, clearly, Bearded Bad must be in LA. How I can’t get a Federal Job is beyond me.
Well, he couldn't possibly be anywhere else.
6. The most dysfunctional family ever. Not only did Jerkass kill Opie, he’s convinced Jack that Jack was at fault, and he is laying on the guilt trip extra thick. However, Jack’s not having any of it, because he’s a heartless superhero that only stops to worry about Kim and Audrey. Now, in a truly Greek tragedy style scene that features a tête-à-tête between Jack and Phil against the backdrop of a morgue freshly stocked with Opie’s dead body, Jack’s grilling his dad about Bearded Bad and proving that he is totally incapable of reading his family. Still, even though Jack tanked another interrogation here (he’s now 0-3 on the day), he gets style points for not really falling for the guilt trip. As the great (snicker) Stu Scott would say, Jack is as “cool as the other side of the pillow”. (Welcome to 1998, everybody! Please collect your N*SYNC CD, Furby, and GigaPET, and change into your adidas windsuit. Enjoy your stay!)
7. Jerkass: On a mission. Sweet! Phil’s going after Bearded Bad. It’s like Phil’s with Jack, but absolutely against him, too. I am digging this plot. By extension, I’m much happier than I was 5 Things ago, when I got a little pissy. I apologize. (Also, Morris = Still Angsty, and Chloe's the only person that can get through to him. How cute.)
8. Revenge is a dish best served cold. “I lost control,” says Jack to Bill, “I tried to tell you that I didn’t think I could do this anymore.” The greatest American since FDR admits that when Opie admitted to giving the order to kill Palmer, Tony, & Doe-Eyes, he “wanted [his] brother dead.” Jack Bauer is pure diesel. Airwolf, even.
9. Bill Buchanan: Best. Boss. Ever. Bill’s offer to cover up Opie’s death establishes, with finality, that he is the greatest director in CTU history. I will not argue this. I mean, even though a previous cover-up was just used to make his wife resign from a cabinet-level post, Bill doesn’t care what rules he has to break to protect Jack. Between this and the way that he shook off BlackJack’s death, it’s clear that Bill is the only person in the American government that realizes the value of one Jack H. Bauer, Toughnuts, Esq. In other news, Jack doesn’t care enough about anything anymore to bother with a cover up. That decision won’t come back to haunt you. Dammit.
10. The Phantom Menace. Cool, VP Palpatine and Palmer v. 2.0 are going at it again. I love the “use Assad” endgame. When these two are going at it, the political stuff’s actually interesting. I hope we get more.
11. So be it…Jedi. VP Palpatine with the line of the night to Palmer v. 2.0. “There is a thin line between conviction and stubbornness. You can stand firm, but you are standing alone.”
12. A personal (read: non-24 moment): I Heart Paul M. Natty Tomato just informed me that it is her dad’s birthday. He is the most awesomest Englishman I’ve ever met, and we had way too much fun together at the bachelor party and wedding this past summer. The man is money in the bank, and I raise my glass to him here. Salut!
If you know why this picture is awesome, you are one of my closet friends.
13. Clear & Present Danger. Chaz just told Yanosh that he’s on a need-to-know basis, and that he doesn’t need to know the extent of the assassination plans as he extols the virtues of “plausible deniability.” You see, Yanosh, it’s “The ole Potomic twostep.”
“Sorry Mr. President, I don’t dance. err..umm…Well, Chaz. For you… anyyfing.”
14. ??????? Whatever it was that Jack just said to Aunt Hottie was missed by us all. If I’ve learned anything from Day Six, it’s these two things: 1) Never let a woman drive your Maserati, 2) Never let a woman drive your remote control. Nice job, Nat.
15. “You are a gruesome bastard-retaliant…” Aunt Hottie, doing her best Nicholson-as- Joker impression tells Jack that she doesn’t blame him for Opie’s death. In fact, she blames Opie, and she’s glad that he’s dead. That’s. Just. Cold. I wonder if she’ll be able to make it to the funeral? Perhaps she's having her nails done that day. Y'kno, to impress Jack.
16. Prediction: Milo’s DOA. MMM just got a big promotion to the Tact Team. Obviously, this is not going to end well. Now that he’s out in the field, should I change his name to CyberJack, or should he remain MMM?
17. Things Must Be Picking Up. My notes are falling to pieces, which is a clear sign that things are getting exciting and my note-taking has become haphazard. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.
18. Our other lead: check Russia. Just to get back on track, this is the plan: Jack, MMM, Aunt Hottie and a Tact Team are going to drive around a part of LA that Aunt Hottie once followed Opie to. Aunt Hottie’s going to retrace her steps, and pick out the random house that she heard Russian voices in. This plan assumes that: 1) Aunt Hottie can find the place, 2) that the Russians terrorists have been using the same safe house for the last six months, 3) that just because Gredenko’s cell phone was used in the Pacific Time Zone, he’s in LA, and 4) that Gredenko didn’t skip town the moment a nuke went off where it wasn’t supposed to.
Y'know, now that I’ve written it all out, I’m at a loss for words. This may be the worst battle plan since Pickett said, “Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea! Let’s form a big, straight line, and march across an open field while the Union soldiers unload their cannons on us, whaddya think?”
19. I can’t believe he didn’t laugh at her. So Phil, scared that Jack’s gotten a lead from Aunt Hottie, slyly gets her to spill the beans on the plan. Take a second, and please re-read the plan above. Okay, Phil is so scared by this ingenius plan that he immediately leaps into action, kidnaps one of his only two grandchildren, and makes a break for it. He then calls up Aunt Hottie and interrupts the tender moment she was trying to have with Jack. Speaking of which…
20. REJECTED! Opie’s body is not even cold and Aunt Hottie keeps making doe-eyes at Jack (and they are gorgeous), reminding him that she’s totally over Opie’s death, and telling him how sorry she is for everything that’s happened to him. Meanwhile, Jack’s all (in full-on gravelly voice) “Marilyn, I know you’ve been through a lot today, but you’re starting to annoy the piss out of me. Now pick out the house and shut the hell up.” Who’s dumber here? Jack for passing up a shot at Aunt Hottie, or Aunt Hottie for wanting to shack up with Jack “everyone I love dies” Bauer?
21. DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT! It’s probably the least surprising Diamond Cutter Moment of all time, but it was still kind of shocking to hear Phil threaten Kim (aka Jack Jr.)’s life. What a jerkass.
22. MASTER PLAN UNVEILED. Bearded Bad has his Bond Villain Moment (TM) when he explains to the Terrorist Techie that Looks Surprisingly More Like Ex-Fuel Frontman Brett Scallions than MMM does. And that’s saying something. (Tangent: I miss Fuel). Anyway, I’ll sum up in my best Cmdr. Chekov accent, “Ve vill retroactiflee vin de Cold War by using dese vepons (the suitcase nukes) dat Mother Russia vas too scaredee to use bevore. Ve vill fix that mistake, and Arabs vill take dee blame.” On a ten point evil plan scale, I put this one at a solid 6. That is, slightly ahead of Lex Luthor’s plan to create a continent of craggy, worthless Krytonite land and sell it to the highest bidder (Superman Returns), yet definitely behind Dr. Evil’s Preparation H (which, of course, was good, on the whole).
That being said, what the hell does using nukes on LA and having America blame the Arabs accomplish? You'd think that Bearded Bad would want some credit for all of his troubles? Does the fact that all he's looking for is a high American body count make him an incredibly dangerous/scary villain, or a just a senselessly mustache-twirling Snidely Whiplash type? I can't decide.
23. He learned the game from his Uncle Jack, now he’s afffffffffffffter the name…Jack Bauuuer, Jack Bauer, Jr! Kim to Phil, “I know that you’re lying to me.”
Damn skippy, Kim! Even though I titled this post after lyrics from the
James Bond, Jr. cartoon show, I don’t know that Kim deserves to be lumped in with his uncle, Jack.
Frankly, Junior's shown an uncanny knack of calling Phil’s shenanigans when no one else in the family can.
Perhaps he’s adopted.
Honestly, after watching this YouTube clip, I need a DVD of James Bond, Jr. episodes. Look out he’s comin’ through—he’s got a job to do, while he rescues the girl! Jammmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees Bonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd!
24. ON THE RUN!! Forget that Harry Temple died the exact same way as Jack’s entire Tact Team, I’d just like to point out that I find it to be incredibly fortunate (for Phil, at least) that Phil happened to have another house wired to blow up mere blocks from where Aunt Hottie was taking Jack. I suppose since Opie knew where to find the Russians, Phil would have as well? Ugh. Logic hurts. Anyway, the explosion was awesome, Milo and Aunt Hottie are on the run, Milo blowing up the UPS van was awesomer, and despite that fact that I’ve done nothing but bitch and point out plotholes during this entire hour, I pretty much loved every frakkin’ second of it, and I wish that 24 was called 48 and was on for two hours every week. Because that was a superbly entertaining 2 HOUR 24 EVENT OF SPECTACULARNESS.
Stats: I’ve got no good stats for this second hour. There may have been a "dammit," but I dunno. No terrorist casualties, though. However, CTU lost another Tact Team, I think CiderJack’s still alive, and MMM’s the Player of the Game, for no other reason than setting off all of the grenades and running like hell was a pretty solid plan. Pity he’s deader than disco next hour..
Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 David Palmers learning Sherri Palmer and throwing her off the campaign trail. Yup. More great stuff that made me anxiously await the next week. What more do you want from your TV? I harp about logic, but I don’t care. If I want tight, logic-based storytelling, I’ll watch Grey’s Anatom…no. Umm, I’ll watch Lost…nope. Umm.. got it—I’ll watch Dirty Jobs. See how it always comes full circle?
Be good to each other, and shame on you all for not commenting on Homey the Clown last week. Personally, I thought that was pretty great.
-apk
