You know, friends, you're allowed to comment. The interactivity of the Interweb is what makes the information age better than, say, the Cenozoic. I know big words. And paleontology. Anyway, let's get to it, shall we?
12. Aaron Pierce: "Yo, Wolf Face. I'm Your Worst Nightmare. Your Ass is Mine."
How freaking awesome was this moment? Remember when Martha Logan hopped into the limo with the Russian First Family because she actually thought that POTUS wouldn't let her die. WOOPS! That one didn't work out so well, did it Marty? Anyway, so while POTUS and (if memory serves) Walt Cummings are weeping and holding each other while POTUS waits to become a widower, the limousine caravan is attacked, Clear & Present Danger-style by the Militant Ruskies of Doom. Everything's about to go straight to hell, until Aaron Pierce, the Purest-Hearted-Man-in-America/True Patriot Champion steps up, kicks ass, and saves the day. To be honest, I can't remember the specifics. I can remember that it was awesome. Good enough for me. Aaron's the man. In fact, I like to believe he's what Captain America would be like if he hadn't frozen in the Atlantic at the end of World War II.
11. Jack Bauer: Saving America by Beheading Pedophile Snitches
Though I can't understand why, Jack was in a pretty bad place after Teri bit it. Instead of drowining himself in booze and women while writing Nina a daily Thank You Card for freeing him of his whiny, stupid, pixi-haird albatross, he left CTU, grew a beard, dressed like a hobo, started popping pills, became estranged from his daughter, and started living in some P.O.S. apartment in the San Fernando Valley (or Compton. Whatever). As Day Two began, all we could ask was, "What happened to our hero?" and "What can possibly bring him out of his doldrums?" It seemed Jack was just going to spiral down into loathsome pit of self-loathing. And that's bad. Then: his country called.
A pedophile mob boss was brought in for questioning, and after George "Basil Exposition" Mason firmly established that the hooligan had already cut a deal and would be free to prey on little kiddies again, Jack, still broken and emotionally scarred, flipped the Bauer Switch to the "on" position, shot the bastard point-blank in the chest, and informed Mason that "I'm gonna need a hacksaw" so he could cut the dude's head off and use it as a free pass so he could join a minuteman cell. As the hour draws to a close, Jack shaves the hobo-beard and symbolically establishes that, like a Phoenix (or some other city in Arizona), the old Jack may have died, but the new Jack has risen. And he's pissed. Really, I'm pretty sure that this story is the first chapter of "Chicken Soup for the Super Agent's Soul".
(It should be noted that this scene is so perfect that it was blatantly stolen this past fall by the other Best Show on TV, Battlestar Galactica when Starbuck cut her hair with a combat knife.)
10. POTUS IS EVIL ?!?!?!?!?
I remember telling a friend of mine about this Incredible Diamond Cutter Moment the day after it happened. She had been watching the show for a while, but had given up on it. When I told what had happened, she said, plain as day, "This is why I don't watch that show anymore. It's ridiculous". Needless to say, we are no longer friends.
Really, if I have to explain to you how improbable/ballsy/awesome it was to reveal that POTUS Logan, the spineless bastard to end all spineless bastards, was actually EVILLLLLL all along, and that he was behind the deaths of Palmer, Doe-Eyes, and (essentially) Tony, then you probably shouldn't be here.
9. Jack Bauer: Father of the Year/Kim Avenges Zack Morris
"Kim, shoot him. Now, shoot him again." Jack is the Best. Dad. Ever. No, seriously. Did any of your dads ever let you shoot your boss? I didn't think so. So we've reached the end of Kim's Incredible Misadventure in Babysitting and freakin' Gary Matheson has been chasing the poor girl all over SoCal. He finally catches up to her when she's dumb enough to go BACK TO HIS HOUSE. Worse yet, Kate "I've Generally Got My Shit Together" Warner thought that this was a good idea. Obviously, Kate was trying to gain Kim's acceptance by acting as dumb as Kim's dead mom. Fair enough, Kate. Wouldn't have been my plan, but I've been single since the Clinton Administration, what do I know? Though, I wonder why Jack dumped you before Day Three? I digress.
So yeah, Gary Matheson finds Kim in his house, chases her around, and Kim eventually shoots him dead while on the phone with Jack, who goes so far as to give her instructions on how to use the gun, then tell his Kimmy-girl to be sure to put an extra round in the Garmeister for the sake of thoroughness. These are not the life-lessons one gets when his father is a machinist, let me tell you that. I mean, my dad only ever taught me how to change an alternator. Useful, but what happens when the guy I used to babysit for tries to kill me? Then what do I do, dad?
I guess by now you're wondering what all the talk about Kim "Avenging Zack Morris" is about, huh? I suppose I should explain: up until, oh, yesterday, when I decided to fact-check, I was convinced that Gary Matheson was played by the same douchebag that stole Kelly from Zack in Saved by the Bell. You know, Jeff. HATE that guy. He and Francisco Cabrera a responsible for destroying two of my three biggest childhood dreams: 1) that the Pirates would win a World Series and 2) that Zack would win Kelly, forever, over Slater, and that 3) I'd marry Belinda Carlisle. You can imagine my excitement when Patrick Muldoon (the guy who played Jeff) had his brains sucked out by the Brain Bug in Starship Troopers after he pulled the same shit and stole Denise Richards from Johnny Rico. In fact, if Starship Troopers is on, I'll watch it just to see three things: 1) Michael Ironsides, 2) breasts, and 3) Jeff having his brains sucked out. Imagine my disappointment when I learned during my aforementioned fact check that some dillweed named "Billy Burke" was Gary Matheson. "Well," I thought to myself, "at the time, I thought Kim had avenged Zack, so screw it! This moment is still awesome." And now here we are.
8. Jack Interrogates Nina
We'll get more into Nina a little lower on the list (like you didn't think that was coming). Since that last one was so long, I'll try to sum up here. The awesome parts about Jack interrogating Nina in CTU during Day Two: A) The INCREDIBLE shot where she's being brought in, and Jack sees her for the first time, B) Jack flips over the table and pushes Nina's chair by her neck all the way up against the wall, C) Jack shoots the wall right beside her head and scares the shit out of her. D) Jack checking back and forth with George Mason, convincing him that everything's under control, even though you don't believe him, while he gives orders like, "turn the temperature up three degrees". All phenomenal. In a series full of tremendous interrogations, this one takes the cake. And it's all capped off by their plane ride later, when Jack gives the really moving speech about what Nina took away from the world when she killed Teri (spoilers).
7. They're DEAD...THEY'RE ALL DEAD!!!!
The Ethan Hunt's IMF Team Memorial Trophy goes to the first 15 minutes of Day Five: Palmer- shot in the mutherfrakkin' head; Doe-Eyes :( - blown up. Tony- almost blown up: status unknown (eventually punked out like a little bitch by Robocop). Chloe- on the run, not looking so good.
Nothing else could have raised the stakes faster or more hardcore as Day Five began than the decision to kill everyone you care about that's not Jack (or, obviously, Audrey). It was so shocking that there wasn't even time to be pissed until the episode was over. Then you realized that it hurt. Then you realized that the only way to feel better was to root for Jack to bring all the bastards to justice that were responsible for the outrage. When he does, I'll be the first to pop the champagne.
Okay, kids- hope you enjoyed Part Three. Not gonna lie, time was tight for this one, so I apologize if it's not up to the lofty standards that I've already set here at 24TADS. Be good, and I'll see you tomorrow for the FINAL SIX AWESOME MOMENTS!
-apk
PS: A word to the wise. Whatever you do, don't read the Wikipedia page for Day Six. DAMMIT! I hath been spoiled about the death of...
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