In order to kick things off here at 24TADS, I figured that I'd do what all good bloggers do: make a list. Yes, "The List". As American as football, apple pie, and smog, The List is probably America's greatest gift to world culture since the proliferation of jazz and comic books. The List answers, with finality, those questions that plague mankind like, "What are the 50 greatest celebrity nip-slips?" and "What are the 100 greatest moments in Gong Show history?" The List. Purely subjective. Always controversial. The List.
A 24 list is apropos, right? Well, before I get started, I need to give credit to This Site, which has a great list of moments through Day Three of its own. I read it a long, long time ago, and found it rather funny. Feel free to follow the link and have some fun. I'll admit it, I may have inadvertently stolen a quip or line or six from there. You'll get over it. You're young. What I couldn't steal, however, is this gem, "If Jack was in a fight with Superman and He-Man at the same time, he would just break He-Man's arm and hurl the power sword into Superman's chest." Indeed, faceless Internet Guy. Indeed. That sentence is the epitome of hilarity, and it perfectly represents everything I want this little piece of the Interweb to be.
So, without further ado, I give you Part One of the "24 Moments I think I'm pretty sure I feel, off the top of my head, were the best moments of 24*"
*Does not include Day Three. Sorry. I've not seen it. I know I suck, and I know that it's Doe-Eyes filled to the max. Sue me. None of my friends own it. Feel free to buy it for me as a "special thank you" for being so awesome and creating this blog. You're welcome.
24. Jack, Paul Raines (herewithin known as "Sissy McWussypants"), and two Swell Muslim Guys ™ hold off rioters as Jack single-handedly ends anti-Muslim sentiment in America.
It's true, it's true. During Day Four, critics derided the series so much for its negative portrayal of a fundamentalist Muslim sleeper cell as a family of deranged-evil terrorists, that always-politically correct FOX (who brought you "Temptation Island" and "When Murderous Rampaging Beasts Maul Hillbillies 7") flinched. In response, FOX ran those amusing "No, really, Muslims aren't all bad" bumpers where Keifer begged you to heal the hate, and then also sent our intrepid lead into blood-soaked LA while on the run with Sissy from some Evil Henchmen Mercenaries. Jack and Sissy fled to a hardware store where they holed up with two Swell Muslim Guys who helped them fend off the forces of EVIL. The next day, America elected a Muslim President, it became socially acceptable to read the Koran in colleges, and Pat Robertson taught us all that "Mohammed was actually pretty cool" (this may not have really happened). Was it a cheesy, blatant attempt to quell critics? Yup. And it worked, too. But it's here because it was one pretty badass shootout. You go, two Swell Muslim Guys!
23. Marie Warner is EVIL!!!!
(Spoiler) No, seriously, the perky, cute blonde girl from The Faculty is actually evil here, too! During Day Two (my personally favorite season), the show pulled the equivalent of a double-reverse flea-flicker and, after convincing us that Marie's Dad Bob and her fiancée "Don't call me Toka" Reza were actually the guys connected with the missing nuke, revealed that the cheerleaderesque ditz Marie was actually a cold-blooded fanatic terrorist/murderer. The Whisenhuntness of this Diamond Cutter Moment cannot be understated. Well played, writers. Well played.
22. Jack saves Heller&Raines, kills 117 terrorists in six minutes.
I've got to put this here, because this moment captured me as a 24 fan for all time. I didn't get into the show until my buddy Dr. Pizz and I happened to lazily leave the TV on after some NFL Playoff games. Two hours later, we were intrigued. By the time Jack saved Audrey (Hereinafter "The Love of My Life" or "My Girlfriend Audrey") and Sec. Heller in one tremendously badass firefight/rescue sequence, I was hooked for life. I remember being surprised at seeing so much sweet movie-style violence on primetime TV. Who says the entertainment industry's in trouble? Not me. In something like, I dunno, four minutes at the beginning of Hour Six, Jack killed a small county's worth of terrorists, saved the day, and got his girl back. Awesome.
21. Rudy Gamgee figures out "Flank Two Position", Blackjack saves the day.
Jerry, Nat, and I are all pretty big Curtis, "Blackjack" Manning fans, and, even though he has a tendency to take a bullet every time he goes into battle with Jack, he appears at least twice on this list. (If you know me well enough, I'm sure you can guess his greatest moment). Anyway, since Curtis was leading the charge this time, he didn't take a bullet. In fact, he saved Jack's ass. This was during the beginning of Day Five, when the airport was under siege by The Guy that Should Have Been the Big Bad. Captured, and with his young stupid friend about to be executed, Jack had no choice but to feed false position information to Curtis's CTU SWAT team. Though we didn't realize it at the time, Jack had encoded his message with a distress warning that he was in a "Flank Two position, repeat, a Flank Two position". However, since the warning was outdated and no longer a code, only Sean Astin, in his best strategic moment since "Toy Soldiers" figured it out. As the incomparably annoying Linn McGill (Astin) scrambled to inform Blackjack's assault team, we waited in anticipation to find whether the message got through. As Curtis and his Army of Asskickers blew through the wall and gatted the everliving shit out of every Evil Russian in the place, we learned two things: Jack is smarter than you, and Curtis is more than just a target.
20. T.C. McQueen takes over CTU
Unless my baby brother, Gooder, is reading this, only Jerry understands this post. It's okay though. It's my list. You don't have a list, do you? Well, when you write one, you can move Bill Buchanan's ascension to CTU chief off, and replace it with that Really Awesome Time That Edgar Said Something Retarded. I'm sure that was tremendous. Anyway, Jim Morrison, the man behind Bill Buchanan, used to be the Bauerist guy on a short-lived scifi show called Space: Above and Beyond. In one of the best hours of TV I know, an episode called "The Angriest Angel," Morrison, playing hardnosed spacefighter pilot Col. Tyrus Cassius McQueen defies all odds, gets into killing shape, gets back in the cockpit, and avenges his friend's death by blowing up the Alien Red Baron really really good. Seriously, this hour of TV is self-contained and phenomenal. I love it. Morrison's one of my favorite unsung actors, and when he stepped into CTU, I was beyond excited. If Buchanan ever dies, I'll likely cry. Bonus: he definitely tagged Doe-Eyes. My. Hero.
19. Jack Bauer punk'd Sayed Ali, makes George Lucas his bitch.
How do you get a fundamentalist terrorist to talk? Find his kids, who are supposed to be safely nestled into bed 10,000 miles away, and kill them in front of him, that's how! I'm pretty sure that's like, the third thing they teach you in Super Badass Agent School. The first is, of course, "disemboweling with a towel," while the second is "lampshade electro-nipple shock". Honestly, I can't believe I almost forgot about this moment. After Jack used his Batman-like detective skills, which were honed during summers at Indian Camp (true story), to determine that Evil-doer Sayed Ali had not lit himself on fire to escape capture, Jack hunted him down in the bowels of a mosque, promptly kicked his ass, and tied him to a chair. Alas, Ali wouldn't talk, and Jack was RUNNING OUT OF TIME (plus, I'm certain he wanted to hook up with Kate Warner, who wouldn't?) so he had to resort to desperate measures. He had a TV brought in, and basically made Ali watch as his kid was shot in the head. Before the rest of the family could be executed, Mr. Supertough Mr. Man Ali talked, and Jack went on to save the known universe, and roughly 2/3 of all dark matter. Sure, it was later revealed that Jack had faked the whole thing, using special effects (or something) that were better than anything found in a Star Wars prequel, and Jack (rather compassionately, I might add) later told Ali the truth before Ali was assassinated; but at the time, I believed that Jack had gone through with it, too. The only thing this episode was missing was Ashton Kutcher (thank God).
Well, that's all we've got for now. I'll be back with six more tomorrow, and each day thereafter, which should take us right into the Premiere to End All Premieres (2007 Edition) on Sunday.
Be good to each other.
-apk
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