24 TADS: (8:00 AM -- 9:00 AM)

24 things I thought I thought about Day Six while trying to digest tremendously tasty Indian (dot not feather) food.

1. Cool Line #4. From Fayed to Palmer v. 2.0 Beta re: failing to release 110 enemy combatants within the hour, our retaliation will be “immediate and devastating”. Man is Bald Bad a great villain.

2. Jack Bauer: Diplomacy Zen Master. So, he may not actually be the Phil Jackson of interrogations anymore, but it sure looks like Jack earned a correspondence course degree in Geopolitical Diplomacy & Negotiations. Who knew there was a University of Phoenix in China? What am I referring to? Why, Jack’s little mini-diatribe to Baltar while riding shotgun in the Toyota Yaris of Freedom ® wherein he explained that, since everyone thinks that Baltar’s responsible for the bombings, his “political reality” is that the enemy of his enemy (CTU) is now his only friend.

3. “Don’t Get Up!” I’d like to believe that Jack stole the Jeep Cherokee of Victory ™ from my little fraternity brother Miles. I’d also like to believe that Miles is still laying in the street, waiting for Jack to give him permission to “Get up,” and that he’ll stay there until Herb, the CTU Janitor comes by.

4. 24 Fast 24 Furious. True fact:* Keifer is really the one driving that Cherokee like NASCAR Bad Boy Tony Stewart on a bender. Cool stuff, there. Tokyo Drift can suck it.

*speculation

5. Hulk Hogan & the Macho Man. Seriously, Jack and Baltar are like the frakkin’ Mega Powers. That plan where Jack crashes into the terrorist then acts like Rube Baker (...tear) just so Baltar can get in his countryman’s good graces and give him a ride to where he wants to go was pure. freaking. genius. I bet Keifer had a blast playing that scene.

Assad and Jack prepare to battle the Ultimate Big Bads:
Nikoli Volkoff and the Iron Sheik

6. Baha. “Bill, it’s Jack. Umm...Assad is driving the Yaris of Freedom and I’ve got it bugged so that we can track the terrorist back to Fayed. You’re welcome...and yes, I’ve been out of a Chinese prison for two hours and fifteen minutes and I’m already better at your jobs than the rest of you combined. Peace.”

7. Line of the Night: Jerry Tomato. So Behrooz tells Nicey McNiceguy that if he doesn’t take his package and obtain the component, he’ll kill Nicey’s kid Wussy, and his wife Nursey. What does Jerry say to the newlywed apple of his eye, British import Natalie Tomato, “I’d sacrifice you to save America, you’re not even a citizen.” Love is in the air, kids. (I give them six months).

8. Great Line #5. “It’s your character flaw, not mine” Chloe tells Morris re: Morris’s problem with Middle Management Milo. That sound you heard was half of all 24 fans breathing a sigh of relief that Snarky Chloe is back.

9. The REAL President. A pan across the Oval Office gives us a view of a few photos of President and Supreme Commander of All that is Right with America, David Palmer. Nice touch.

10. Uh oh. It’s Jack and BlackJack, together again. This means only one thing: BlackJack is taking a bullet. Write that down.

11. What is this, Studio 60? I love Studio 60 and all, but since when do Jack and BlackJack have heart-to-heart’s while cruising for terrorists? And what’s with all the politics? Feels like a desperate attempt to create friction on the Tact Team. I’m not buying it. However, do you think BlackJack is scared out of his gourd that Jack’s going to knock him out again, like the last time he gave Jack a ride? I bet his heartbeat increases every time they approach a stop sign.

12. Way to get your mom killed, idiot. Wussy McNiceguy decides to play hero and grab a knife while fetching Behrooz some painkillers. This is a genius plan on par with Dumb Long-Haired White Kid from Day Five’s genius plan to run headfast into the airport and take on terrorism with Baueresque Bravado. I’m glad that we were able to meet the Dumb Long-Haired White Kid quota early into the day, two Days running. I hate Wussy McNiceguy – he didn’t even have the balls to use the knife!

13. I hate commercials. Not because they’re a break in the action, but because there are so many crappy ones, like the VH1 style McDonald’s commercials that treat a bunch of Dollar Menu hippies like they’re the “Best Week Ever”. Did anyone else notice that commentator Jeremy Miller is Ben Frakkin’ Seaver from Growing Pains? How sad is it that I did? It’s been nearly 20 years since that show went off the air, and he’s still a no-talent douche. It didn’t even seem like he can play “Jeremy Miller!" And on top of that, he’s still got that douchey goatee. I hate commercials, but I would kill to see a GEICO caveman commercial about now.

14. Wake me when it’s over. Mrs. Tidwell’s storyline is already tedious and heavy-handed. I’m bored—and I should never say that during 24. If I want political debate, I’ll watch the Colbert Report.

15. Another commercial? At least this is for something cool. 300, the movie about 300 Spartans and the battle of Thermopolye, is destined to be awesome.

16. Great Line #6. Hotness (Nadia) during the op, “Chloe, blah blah blah cross-reference blah do techie stuff blah.” Chloe: “You mean like I already have?” Awesome.

17. Nothing to see here, we’re incognito. Why do all Feds drive black SUVs? Better yet—why does a CTU Tact Team all roll down one street in a bunch of black SUVs? Can’t the Fed mix it up a little so that, I dunno, they don’t stick out like a sore thumb? Perhaps a Green Blazer, a Black Escalade, and a Blue Mountaineer. Wouldn’t that make a little more sense? Hell, what happened to the Yaris of Freedom? Watching the black SUVs reminded me of the Ninja Hedge from The Tick comic book (a highly recommended read).

From left to right: Jack, BlackJack, Baltar, Chloe, and Bill Buchanan
sneak up on an unsuspecting terrorist.

18. BlackJack: Still a Dick. Baltar’s done nothing to deserve so much blatant distrust, especially not from Mr. I-Do-Everything-By-the-Book. I mean, BlackJack’s so By the Book that Aisha Tyler’s Mole Agent from Day Four probably dumped him because he was boring in the sack, always made her make the bed, and never spoke in anything but his gruff, By the Book monotone voice. It’s totally out of character for him to be so harsh to Baltar, especially considering that a) BlackJack has accomplished nothing today and b) Baltar helped Jack stop a train bombing and helped Jack track the terrorist guy. Can you tell I’m going to be a total Baltar apologist? I hope it doesn’t get annoying.

19. TQ? Bald Bad's men must all read Terrorist Quarterly, because they are the best damn dressed group of henchmen I’ve ever seen.

20. Natural Selection Claims Another One. Please notice all of the boxes of explosives and ammunition behind the terrorist. Then, please note that you’d have to have the IQ of plankton to start firing gunshots into the general vicinity of boxes of explosives and ammunition. Then notice that guy dumb enough to do so, Random CTU Idiot #12, just got himself killed. Darwin strikes again.

21. Tough Choices & Tougher Choices 2: the Sequel. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you the story of Tough Choices & Tougher Choices someday when I finish the Top 24 Awesome Moments. Let’s give it up for Nicey McNiceguy, who was forced to resort to cold-blooded murder in order to protect his family and get the component from the Evil Tech Fiend Collaborator. I felt really bad for him when he had to crack that dude upside the skull. When you think about it, getting me to feel sorry for him was really quite the accomplishment, considering that his storyline has been totally stupid so far.

22. Suitcase nuke = Bad Mamajama. Woah. Bald Bad’s got a frakkin’ nuke! So, he needs the component in order to set it off, but he needs one of those enemy combatants in order to make the component work...so, what you’re telling me is “these bombings were designed to make you free this man.” Holy Crap! What a plan! Bald Bad rules, folks—and that’s your Diamond Cutter Moment.

23. In case you missed it: BlackJack’s still a dick. Okay, okay, we get it. BlackJack hates Baltar for some reason that no one will tell us, which is why he’s acting more angsty than Behrooz. Talk about using the sledgehammer of plot...

24. Nasir is on the loose! Well, that at least made for a good ending. I’d say that the last four minutes were pretty freakin’ awesome, tense, and hardcore, all at once. Does anybody else realize that Bald Bad has played the entire US like fools not once, but twice in the first three hours? So far, the only mistake he made was giving Jack something to live for. Though, I’d say that’s a pretty big mistake.

Stats:

Dammits: 1 (3) – another by Jack, I think (I’ll start keeping track of who said them next week, promise)

Terrorist Casualties: 2 (8) First guy: There goes the boom! Second guy: I’m counting the victim of Nicey McNiceguy

CTU Casualties: 1(2) Our first on the actual payroll: the dumb sniper-agent that got himself killed at the storage place.

Player of the Game: Nicey McNiceguy. Hey, he had nothing to work with, and put in a pretty great performance, nonetheless. I also think that he thought on his feet faster than I could have with the whole “let me see the component” trick. Good for him. Pity his son’s a wuss. (Note: I really wanted to give it to Baltar, but two in a row feels like craziness).

Final Verdict: 2 out of 5 Kim Bauer Cougars Let’s be honest, folks, this hour kind of sucked. It wasn’t totally bad—Jack’s “Grand Theft Auto” moment was fun and the last four minutes were a madcap romp of intensity, but just about everything else was meant to be a breather that started to set up the plot. It did a pretty good job of it, but if my notes (and by extension, this pitiful recap) are any indication, nothing much of interest happened. At least Hotness was still Hot. Doesn’t mean I can’t wait for hour four to start after the commercials, though!

Part Four tomorrow.

-apk