24 TADS: (7:00 AM -- 8:00 AM)

24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six While Reveling in How Good it Felt to Know that the Ravens have been Eiminated...

1. This season’s XBOX sport of choice: Soccer. That’s right, instead of trying to find a way to shut down Jay Cutler with the Nits’ defense, Jerry and I have started playing FIFA Soccer. Though I started off terrorizing him with Thierry Henry and my Gunners, I ultimately lost every head-to-head affair. Now we’re playing as teammates. After some unsuccessful attempts with Team USA, we decided to use the English to embarrass the French. It was pretty fun, and some guy named “Owen” had a hat trick. Bully for you, Owen! I know only Marc cares about Jerry and I playing XBOX games (Nat certainly hates it), but whatever, I have NINETY-SIX of these things to write.

2. That’s Anti-Climatic, “A-n-t-i...”. What? The Bald Bad just LET JACK GO? That sucks. I can’t argue with his henchman’s logic: “We’re not here to kill one American, we’re here to kill all Americans” but dude, have you watched 24 ever? Just by leaving Jack alive, you’re endangering the mission. Idiot. Bald Bad should’ve shot henchman for his insolence, especially considering how wounded Jack is.

3. Wait, I’m not done. See, Jack couldn’t have gotten far, it’s not like his lungs are in shape. Did the Chinese have him on a treadmill for the last two years? I don’t think so. Nor do I think that he could run around so easily after having been stuck in the back with...whatever it is that Bald Bad stuck in his back. What’s that? “Suspension of disbelief,” you say? Oh, I forgot. It’s 24. I just have to roll with it. Sorry—it’s early in the season. Won’t happen again.

4. Jack Bauer Paint Can of DOOM! Why a paint can? That was random, if not absolutely cool. Okay, this is better, Jack’s barking on a telephone and no one believes all of the absolutely spot-on correct information he has gleaned from Bald Bad. Everything’s back to normal. Glad that didn’t take long.

5. Eww...that’s one gross-acidy hand. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Jack put on a black Luke Skywalker glove and ran around all day Jedi Knight style? At the very least, I wouldn’t want to vomit every time he holds up a telephone.

6. Wait wait wait wait wait, Wayne—think. Listen. If you blow up all the terrorists that have come in peace, then you galvanize all the evil ones that believe there can never be peace with the West. You idiot. You are so not David Palmer, and are obviously nothing more than a Beta release, still in testing. Wayne Palmer, I dub thee “Palmer 2.0 Beta,” at least until you show me something.

7. Woah, Behrooz is dark. I’m using italics quite a bit today, huh? Oh well. Anyway, Evil Cliché Line #1 was muttered by Behrooz, who gives us, “It’s been crazy for a long time, you just haven’t been paying attention...” A cool moment that was instantly destroyed by TKSH, aka, Wussy McNiceguy, son of Nicey McNiceguy, when Wussy tried to give Behrooz some stupid good luck charm that he won at a county fair. You just know that Behrooz wanted to say, “Dude, what’s wrong with you? You think I want some piece of hippie jewelry just because you feel bad about racism? Bite me.”

8. “Drop the coffee.” That’s just awesome. Not only did Jack just attack a dude with a freakin’ log while some high quality John Williamsesque music signals that things are about to get hectic, but he also managed to make us all laugh at the same time. Chuck Norris only made me laugh when he beat up Joe Piscopo in Sidekicks. And it was Piscopo that carried the scene.

9. You’re damn right you know Jack Bauer, Dr. Bashir! So Jack busts right in the front door of the terrorist safe house and draws his gun on Faux Bad, Hassad. Hassad, of course, informs Jack that he knows who Jack is. If anyone wants to know Hassad’s motivation to disarm and have peace with the West, there it is. He has heard the Kaiser Soze-like Ballad of Jack Bauer, which parents tell their children so they don’t grow up to be terrorists or CTU agents, and he knows better than to go on being EVIL. Geek Moment: I spent two days trying to figure out how I recognized Hassad, turns out he’s the same guy that played “Dr. Julian Bashir” on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I was never much of a DS9 fan, but it also explains why Hassad reminded me so damn much of Dr. Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica. It’s because Bashir and Baltar look a ton alike. So there you have it. I’m not nuts. And Assad (or is it Hassad???) will hereby referred to as “Baltar”.

10. Apache helicopters are the motherfrakkin’ shit. It’s true, it’s damn true. They always look beyond cool, so long as Nic Cage isn’t flying one and Sean Young’s nowhere to be seen. That movie sucked. This scene didn’t. High-Def explosions are Comcastic! I can’t wait until my HD box arrives on Thursday.

11. Good Morning Class, I’m Mrs. Tidwell, Welcome to PolSci 304: the First Amendment. Yup, Sandra Palmer is played by Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Junior)’s wife in Jerry McGuire. You know, I hate that movie. But that’s another rant for another time. Apparently, Mrs. Tidwell works for the Islamic-American Alliance. And in the 24 universe, that’s a good as place as any as to start looking for terrorist connections. In the real world, this is an obvious, unfortunate case of racial profiling. Anyway, Mrs. Tidwell’s going to overwhelm us with heavy-handed Constitutional Law lessons. I’m a lawyer, and this is tedious. I can’t imagine what it must be like for those that could care less. (Full Disclosure: I got a C- ..or maybe a D, I’ve blocked it out, in 1^st Year Con Law. Oops.)

12. Symbolism Rules. What’s better than watching Jack and Baltar torture a suspect in front of an American flag? Knowing that the next owner of that house is going to find a dead Terrorist in his kitchen. Which begs the question, does Jack have to go back the next day with CTU, retrace his steps, and help them find all of the bodies and property damage that he leaves in his wake? There should be an extra on the DVDs detailing the job of Herb, head of CTU’s Cleanup Crew, and his neverending battle against Bauerd corpses.

13. The Zen Master. Jack has been to the mountaintop in China. He has become the Phil Jackson of Torture. He can see in the perp’s eyes that there’s no more information to be had, as the all-knowing Jack is truly enlightened. Huh? Baltar got him to talk before he murdered him? Just by sticking a knife in the dude’s knee? Dammit. Jack...Jack, buddy? You’ve not lost it have you? What’s that? You “don’t know how to do this anymore.” Help me out, Baltar..”You’ll remember”. Well played, good sir. It’s official, Baltar’s cool as all get-out. Also, Jack blowing that call is this Hour’s Diamond Cutter Moment.

14. Soft or shattered? And is there a difference? Jerry says Jack has gone soft. I say he’s merely been shattered, and will eventually pull himself together. In fact, that’s what this entire Day will be about: Jack finding a reason to live. Debate in the comments.

15. Reason #649 why we need 24: The Movie to come out tomorrow. A Hannibal Lector prequel? Why? Someone help me, I really don’t think that he’s all that compelling of a character. Then again, I didn’t like The Silence of the Lambs all that much, and thus, have not bothered with any of the other Lector films. But seriously, is there anyone out there that really wants to watch Kid Hannibal? I’m curious.

16. Time flies. What? There’s only 19 minutes left? Nat’s right—this is the fastest two hours of my life. I’ve not even drinken that much...why am I staying over again?

17. Rube Baker: American Hero. Behrooz sends Rube back to Omaha, and he doesn’t even live there. For the record: He was totally right about Behrooz. We hardly knew ye, Rube.

18. Woah. Behrooz is Angsty. Behrooz is kind of overtly-over-intense here, isn’t he? Glad to see he hasn’t missed any melodrama classes in-between making such incredible movies as Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj and appearing as “Quiet Douchey Henchman” in Superman Returns. Sigh.

19. Baltar’s Terrorist Gaydar. “Look—Jack, he’s wearing a BOMB VEST!!!” That’s just awesome. Now that my disbelief is safely suspended, I love that Baltar has Terrorist Spider-Sense and can just set ‘em up while Jack knocks ‘em down!

20. Natalie likes Jack’s nipples. I got nuthin’.

21. “No Ticket.” Like Indy, Jack tries the direct approach. “I’m Jack Bauer blah blah blah Federal Agent blah blah terrorist blah blah no sudden moves blah blah I don’t have a ticket blah blah move along.” Seriously, that was so totally Jedi Mind Trick that Jack really needs to get a black glove. What a cool moment of levity moments before it hits the fan.

22. Jack-Fu. So Jack grabs the guy’s tie, jerks the guy’s head into the train pole, and kicks the terrorist out of the back of the train as the bomb goes off. Sweet. Props to whoever wrote/choreographed that sequence. I also like that Jack was a little bit overwhelmed by this random henchman, just another subtle nod that he’s still not at full capacity.

23. Why don’t I have PCS Vision!?! Man! Jack has Sprint PCS vision and can find wherever he’s going, whenever! Why don’t I have that with my Sprint service plan??? What? It’s like, 8 cents for every 2 KB of information you download to your phone? Umm..i’ll stick with my CTU Text Message Ringtone, thanks.

24. It’s inconceivable that the country made it 20 months without Jack. Seriously, kids, you cut a deal with Fayed just today and gave him access to all of your satellites. And you believed that he was trustworthy? Are you kidding me? The country is run by idiots. Thank God we have Jack back to save us.

Stats:

Dammits: 1 (2) –this one by Jack, I think.

Terrorist Casualties: 5 (6) 1 lost a PCL to a log; 2 died at Baltar’s safe house, 1 was killed by Baltar during interrogation, and 1 was blown up real good when Jack kicked him out of the train.

CTU Casualties: 1 (1) Rube Baker: American Hero. If he wasn’t CTU, he should’ve been.

Player of the Game: Baltar. He started Jack on the road to snapping out of it and used his Spider-Sense to find the Evil Midday Bomber What Bombs at Midday. I don’t trust him, but I like him an awful lot.

Final Verdict: Four out of Five Disembowling Towels of DOOM. Overall, this was another madcap hour to bring us the halfway point of the Premiere Even of Awesomosity. More good stuff, and it was absolutely pleasing. I’m mostly glad that they got Jack back into action and out of Fayed’s hands quickly and efficiently, while coming up with the great “Jack team’s up with the Terrorist with a Heart of Gold” angle. Here’s hoping it only gets better from here.

Be good to each other, see you tomorrow

-apk