Disclaimer:
I missed the first half hour tonight, due to the three-headed monster that was Happy Hour, shitty road conditions, and my stupid attempt at taking the back way to Jerry’s house.
24 Things I Think I Thought About Day Six while my car skids right on past Jerry’s road...
1. I missed the fallout. Yup, I’m late, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t bring any puns. We’re live from the floor of the Casa Tomato living room, where I’m gorging myself on the hoagie that was meant to be Natalie’s lunch and trying to get caught up. Apparently, I missed some cool MacGyver-style action as Jack gathered his courage and saved a helicopter. Way to be, Jack! Also, word has it that Jack’s dad turned up on a contact list with a shady Russian.
2. Plothole: Closed. At least they didn’t try to pull a fast one on us. I’m working via Nat’s recap, here, but from what I understand, since the Terrorist Techie blew himself up, Bald Bad needs a new Component of Doom, and someone to install it. Enter The Evil Brit, who’s supposedly the proverbial “guy who knows a guy”. Fair enough. "The Evil Brit" is not only too vague, but also too long to write, so I’m either going to refer to this dude as M. Moulton. Wait, that's a dig that is too obvious. I'll just call him "Matt M." So it is written, so it shall be done.
3. Undercover Brother. That doesn’t really fit, does it, being that Walid is an Arab, huh? Well, neither does this storyline. Even for 24, it’s pretty far-fetched that he’d be so quickly indoctrinated by captured terrorists on the day of their attack. I don’t care how many times the Feds beat him up (nice trick, though).
4. Jerry’s Quote of the Night. To Mrs. Tidwell: “Quit being a [frakking] attorney!!” Okay, Gerald, if you insist.
5. This is still going on? How many minutes have we wasted on Mrs. Tidwell’s incessant whining to the FBI Agent with a Chip on His Shoulder? That guy’s pretty cool. He calls it like he sees it, and plays it by the book. Now that Our Boy Aaron Pierce is likely in DC with Palmer v. 2.0, I shall refer to FBI Agent as “Aaron West Coast”.
6. The Legend Killer? One of the nameless FBI drones in Walid’s compound looks an awful lot like former WWE Champion Randy Orton. Hey, I’ve got to come up with 24 of these in 30 minutes. They’re not all going to be good.
7. More Great Casting. For those of you that don’t know, Jack’s Dad, Phillip Bauer, will be played this year by James Cromwell. You may know him from Six Feet Under, Babe (the Farmer), Star Trek: First Contact (Zephram Cochrane) and as “Rollo Tomasi” from LA Confidential. Awesome actor. Should be sweet.
Phillip Bauer dances with the Bride on Jack's Wedding Day.
8. DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT TO END ALL DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENTS. Bluetooth Graham, Ron Howard lookalike and the mastermind behind Day Five, IS JACK’S BROTHER!!!!!!! (spoiler). I kid you not, Jerry, Nat, and I simultaneously shouted in astonishment something to the effect of “HOLY [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]!!!!!” when this happened. Masterful, masterful play call, 24 writers. We who are about to die, salute you.
9. Bill Buchanan v. Baltar: Round 1. According to Nat, Bill refused to shake Baltar’s hand when he arrived at CTU. My loyalties are pretty torn here. I guess I’m going to have to trust Bill’s instincts. Also, has there been any comment or backlash re: BlackJack’s death? Also, apparently Morris is pissed that Baltar’s at CTU, too. Tred carefully, Morris, I don’t like you that much.
10. What, Jim Ross wasn’t available? Apparently (maybe “Apparently” is the new catchphrase here, instead of “suitcase nuke,” being that I’m getting all my stuff secondhand tonight), Bald Bad almost hit, or actually did run over a little girl in the street. Obviously, killing 12,000 Los Angelinos with a nuclear bomb isn’t enough to establish that he’s PURE Evil. Normally, when I guy wants to establish a heel turn, they just cut a promo with JR and break his arm or something. This seems a little drastic.
11. Opie is a bad actor. Graham (doesn’t it sound like they’re calling him “Grey”) is great on the phone. “Jack..wow. it’s like, so great that you’re home. Listen, we tried really hard to get you out of China—wait, hold on, I’ve got a call coming in...” Actually, it’d be pretty great if he put Jack on hold just to screw with him.
12. Why did it take me so long to realize this? Opie’s responsible for President Palmer’s, Tony’s, and Doe-Eyes’s deaths. There is hell to pay.
13. Lois Quartermain? Holy schnikies! Opie’s wife is Lois from General Hospital. Sadly, Gooder was the only other friend I have that noticed this. We are two very lame guys. I blame our sister for making us watch that particular soap back in the day. Yinz might remember her from the Saved By the Bell episodes where the gang helped Kelly’s uncle’s Hawaiian hotel, and the natives mistook Screech for an embodiment of their chief god. She and Zack had a thing, but she also had a kid. I’d rank her behind Stacey Corosi, but slightly above the wheelchair-bound girl and the homeless girl(tie) in the list of Zack’s lost loves. She was infinitely better than Tori, for the record. But I’m sure that goes without saying. (By the way, Zack’s WIKI page may be the best of all time, scroll down to "Political Advocacy". I bet Gossler writes this thing himself).
14. Tangled Bauer Lovefest. Clearly, Jack used to tag Lois. Based on his awkward intro to Josh, it’s also pretty clear that Josh is Jack Jr. So this is what we have: Jack used to shack up with Lois, who’s clearly not over him, and that irks Opie, probably because Opie’s been raising Jack’s son as his own. Everyone got that? What is this, The O.C. ?
15. Jerry strikes again. RE: Lois and Jack, “Jack used to bang hot chicks—why’d he marry that ugly [woman]?” (meaning Dead Teri). I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a better question.
16. Great Line # 9. Yanosh just asked Palmer v. 2.0 to grant him the power to commit all kinds of civil rights violations. Karen Hayes left the table in disgust. I can’t believe that Mrs. Tidwell didn’t call in on conference just to whine some more. That being said, when Palmer v. 2.0 said something about projecting an appearance of fear to the public, Yanosh sniped back with a great line, “...let’s face reality – we are afraid.” He’s right wing and a little radical, but I actually like the character. More on this, later.
17. Reese Witherspoon on Crack. Yup, the three of us just spent too much time debating who Matt M.'s girlfriend looks like. This seems to be the girl that’s going to create the New Component of Doom. However, it appears that TechSlut would much rather head to Vegas and cash out while the world goes to Hell. I can’t argue with that logic...
18. NOOOOOOOO! (Bill Buchanan v. Baltar: Round 2). NOOOOO! Don’t send Baltar away to DC and out of our lives!!! You can’t break up the Mega Powers! This basically makes Bill Buchanan into Miss Elizabeth. That blows. Man, I hope he comes back. DAMMIT. Well, at least Bill shook his hand this time. When you've got TC McQueen's respect, you've reached the top.
19. No more red shirts? CTU’s really letting me down. The security guards are wearing white this year. Their old red shirts made them 1) extremely well-dressed security guards and 2) one of the best running gags on the show. That’s just disappointing on levels.
A CTU security guard doing what he does best.
20. Walid’s in? I know I hit on this early, but Walid, Muslim Patriot, was just indoctrinated by the captured terrorist cell when he told one guy Bald Bad’s name. Seriously? I would have thought that terrorist cells would have passwords or something.
21. One punch! One punch! Jack lays out Opie. I only wish he could understand how great that felt, from our vantage point. Also: Nat still loves Jack’s nipples.
22. Jerry’s on Fire. “When they were young, instead of playing cowboys and Indians, did Jack and Graham play ‘terrorist and CTU agent’?” It was also at this point that I called Gooder and told him to pay attention to what happens when little brothers fall out of line. Natalie knew Jack’s next move like Marlon Jackson knew that Tom Brady would choke (like I could resist taking a shot. It appears that Brady just wasn’t handsome enough to pull it out...baha), and she totally predicted that he’d go straight for a lamp cord. I was personally hoping for the Paul Raines Special, but Jack had better ideas, we’ll get to that...
23. Great Line #10. Yanosh might seriously be leading the league with these. When Palmer v. 2.0 started crying about being scared (making me fear that I may have ended the Beta testing phase far too early), Yanosh gave some incredibly solid advice when he told the President that, “bravado would be no more appropriate” than fear. Honestly, I think that Yanosh is just a pragmatist, not a Right-Wing Nutjob. Jerry and I are to starting to come around, and at least appreciate him.
24. PLASTIC BAG FRATRICIDE OF DOOM! God damn that’s sweet. Just in case there were any lingering doubts, Jack is clearly back, friends. Not only did he deliver a couple of hardass lines like “Trust me, I’m not” and, “Not good enough.” but he skipped straight past electro-shock torture and went to trusty asphyxiation. On his BROTHER, no less! Phe-nomenal. A-rugula.
*Bonus observation: Right as Palmer v. 2.0 said the words “barbaric men” the director cut back to Jack’s interrogation. Great juxtaposition, there.
The only Weapon more dangers than RED CUPS OF FURY
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I can’t give you any stats or final verdict, other than to say that the half hour I saw was pretty damn good. I just hope that the Lois/Josh/Opie/Jack quadrangle doesn’t pull anything down.
Oh, and the previews show Opie making a snarky comment about Teri next week. While I applaud him spitting on her grave, I can’t wait to see Jack snap over that one. God, I love this show.
Be good to each other, ‘lest I have to find a plastic bag.
-apk
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