24 TADS: (Nooner -- 1:00 PM)

Hello there and welcome back to the show. I’d like to give a hearty special welcome to my old (and all-time greatest) boss, Barb, and, presumably (after Barb edits out all the curse words), her daughter Kati (this may be the most complexly terribly written sentence in the history of the English language – and that’s saying something, especially for this blog). They are two big time 24 fans that I “converse” with weekly about the show. Barb even answered last hour’s most burning of questions, namely “Who the hell is Chad Lowe?” Apparently, he is the former Mr. Hillary Swank. But bigger than that, he won an Emmy as Becca Thatcher’s AIDS-inflicted boyfriend on the oft lamented 1980s TV series Life Goes On. Sadly, Google Images has failed me, and I have been unable to unearth any pictures of Becca (avec red glasses) with which to grace us. Anywho, upward and onward.

24 Things I Think I Thought I was Thinking About while coming to the conclusion that someone stole Buff Burrows’s life and made a movie called “Beerfest” around it, that “Beerfest” was surprisingly hilarious, and that Tom Lennox is a Deutschbag.

1. Forget the bacon, eggs, steak, or dressing-- “mixed greens” make it healthy. We’re coming live and direct to YOU from Casa del Tomato in the luxurious North Hills of Pittsburgh. Thankfully, I am back in my element with my lovely bickering couple of choice: Superhuman Italian Shelf-Putter-Upper Jerry Tomato and his lovely bride, the Jack Bauer Nipple Loving Natalie Tomato. We’ve been watching “Beerfest” and drinking cocktails since dinnertime, so this might get interesting (and for the record, I had a steak salad). Game on.

2. Thank you, Captain Obvious. The Newsperson of Exposition has thankfully informed the American people that Palmer v. 2.0 has “confirmed that a tactical nuclear weapon has been detonated” in LA. My question: what the hell else would make a big mushroom cloud in the middle of Valencia? An overheating Volvo?

3. Communication: the Cornerstone of a good marriage. Nat and Jer oughta pay good attention to Bill and Karen. See, Bill’s telling Karen to fight for her right to stay in the cabinet, while simultaneously trying to get an explanation from her for why she resigned in the first place. Karen promptly hangs up on him. Bill promptly calls back. Karen...promptly hangs up on him again. I give them six months.

4. It’s getting dusty in here. “I’m really sorry [that I pushed you away], Jack,” Phil tells his son. What a pleasant heart to heart, being that they’re going to be executed. However, this is where the real time format kind of sucks, because we’re never going to know what drove them apart. Rats.

5. Irv? Really.... IRV? Back in the 90s, they did this really cool anthology of short Batman stories called “Batman: Black and White” where all kinds of indie comic creators gave their take on a Batman story, with only one catch: all of the stories were in black and white. Anyway, I remember there was a story about Batman’s death, and how it wasn’t the Joker or the Penguin who eventually kills Batman, but a punk who gets lucky and shoots Batman through the head. Long story short, as Phil and Jack are lead to their execution, Phil calls one of the evil henchmen by his name, “Irv.” Are you kidding me??? Forget the fact that they gave away the end of this scene in the preview last week. I knew Jack was surviving the second I realized that there’s NO CHANCE IN HELL of Jack getting punked out by a guy named Irv. None whatsoever. However, if he did, I’d like to think that his tombstone would read, “Shot in the back by Irv over a matter of eighty dollars”.

6. Chuck Norris: You’re on notice. Told you so. Jack and Phil escape, but while Jack was interrogating the lackey, Phil shot him dead. Awesome. It’s true: Phil Bauer is hardcore too.

7. WE NEED BALTAR BACK! The fact that Opie lied to Jack during his interrogation and Jack didn’t catch it means that Jack is 0-2 during interrogations today. He’s lost his touch. This may be the longest logic leap in the history of the show. That being said, we need Assad/Baltar to come back and start shoving knives in ugly places so we can put an end to these terrorist shenanigans.

8. Hubba. Hubba. Woah. Reese Witherspoon on Crack has a fantastic personality. If you know what I mean.

9. Not ANOTHER security breach?!?!? Evil Brit M. Moulton’s finally found a guy that Bald Bad can use to create another “component” so more suitcases can go boom. Swell. Apparently, this guy will need to be “coerced” in order to cooperate. Clearly, it’s someone in CTU. Clearly, it’s male. Clearly, it certainly won’t be MMM. By process of elimination, Morris is the target. So what will they do? Kidnap Morris and coerce him by threatening Chloe? How are they going to get into CTU to grab him? What are they going to do, use the Ghost of Edgar Past to infiltrate security?

10. Darren McCarthy!!! I just realized that Evil Brit (M. Moulton) is actually the Darren McCarthy that Jack and Graem were trying to hunt down last hour. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize this. I’m obviously slipping, and I’ve not even been incarcerated by the Chinese government. This is what having a job will do to you, kiddies.

11. CiderJack. Welcome to the new Tact Team, “Al Turner.” Stay far away from Mr. Bauer, and you might live.

12. Mom! Dad! Please don’t fight! It’s...it’s Christmas! Sorry, just had a flashback there when Jack Jr. got all “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY DAD!!!?!?!?” I would’ve paid eleventy-hundred dollars for Jack to stare him right in the eye and say, “Opie never told you what happened to your father.... Josh, I am your father.”

13. Great Line #13. “I’ve seen what happens when you try to protect people!” BURN! Aunt Hottie, BURN!!! Serve. Serve. Serve. Serve. For those of you new to the scene, an abbreviated list of people Jack has tried to protect: Teri Bauer, Kim Bauer, Lou Diamond Phillips, Sissy McWussypants (Paul Raines), Chance, Tony, Ryan Chappelle, Palmer v. 1.0, Doe-Eyes, Secretary Heller, BlackJack, Jack Bauer Action Figure Prototype. ß No, seriously. You want to click that link.

14. You don’t know anything, do you, smarty pants? Apparently, though, Aunt Hottie hasn’t heard what happens when people are taken to CTU, because she and Jack Jr. are off to CTU. See Teri Bauer, Reza Naiyeer, Mya Driscoll, Sissy McWussypants, Audrey’s brother, etc.

15. Water under the bridge. Opie’s tied back up in the office and he’s pleading with Jack. This is priceless. “Jack, buddy...pal! Brother! About that thing where I was going to kill you, let’s not hold grudges, you know? Let’s let bygones be bygones! I’m over it...” All we’re missing is Opie saying that he’s made “A huge mistake,” and he’d sound just like GOB Bluth.

16. Say it with me, “GRAAAHAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM”. Seriously, why is Keifer Sutherland physically incapable of pronouncing Opie’s name? Why does it always sound like he calls him “Grey”?

17. YOUR BROTHER IS OKAY. Saw this one coming a mile away—Evil Brit is totally faking Morris’s brother’s hospital report in order to flush him out of CTU. Predictable? Certainly. But this is much better than another CTU infiltration. At the very least, it worked out logically, in that 1) Morris tried to call his brother at the hospital, but the lines were full (although, I would suspect that a CTU agent could break through...); 2) Chloe used her female powers of persuasion to convince him to finish his job first; 3) a brother would never even entertain the thought that it’s a trap if he thought his brother was dying. Also: please juxtapose Morris’s selfless love of his brother with Jack’s torture of Opie.

18. Jack’s gone soft. Opie’s putting up a pretty good fight against the Pain Inducing Drugs. If this was any other interrogation, Jack would have shot him in the knee by now. I love that Opie’s harder core than he would ever appear to be. It’s that little brother power that they tap into whenever they feel like they’ve got to prove their mettle. Gooder has it, and it’s occasionally frightening. Just don’t let him know that I said that—I’ll lose the psychological edge that I’ve slowly cultivated over 20 years. And if that happens, I’m going to have to hold him down and feed his hand to our dog again in order to get it back. And Penny’s getting old, I’m not sure that she can take it anymore.

19. HOLY FRAKKIN’ FRAKKITY FRAK!!!! OPIE ADMITTED TO BEING LAST YEAR’S MASTERMIND (spoiler). Diamond Cutter Moment. Keifer just won an Emmy for his reaction. Opie’s reasoning: “BECAUSE I LOVE MY COUNTRY! And in the REAL WORLD, sometimes you have to do terrible things...We’re the Same!” WE ARE NOT THE SAME!!! WE’LL DO THIS MY WAY.

20. The Dad Eyes of Doom. Jack’s got a gun to Opie and he’s scared off every CTU agent that knows not to mess with The Bauer. Then it happens: Phillip stares at Jack with the Dad Eyes of Doom. Those eyes that send 1 singular message, “I’m not mad at you. I’m just disappointed.” Natalie could not understand why this instantly disarmed Jack. Jerry and I did. Interestingly, though, she admitted that her mom could do that to her, but not her dad.

21. Why the hell are my parents calling right now? No joke, my dad just called me to ask, “You’ve seen that look before, haven’t you?” After I soiled myself, I apologized for staging pencil fights in his bedroom when I was 12, crashing the Subaru when I was 16, and a litany of other bad deeds. I think I even made some other stuff up to apologize for. I hate that he can do that to me.

22. Good push, Gooder. So Mrs. Tidwell’s hanging out with Walid: Muslim Patriot (who is thankfully still alive). Frankly, I missed this exchange, because 1) I was on the phone with my dad and 2) I don’t pay attention to anything that involves Mrs. Tidwell. Anyway, she either told Walid or Palmer v. 2.0 something along the lines of “you are the bravest, most principled man that I know,” to which my brother (and Barb) replied, “NEXT TO YOUR BROTHER, DAVID $*(%ing PALMER!” and he swore, too. And he’s a clergyman. This is how much everyone hates Mrs. Tidwell.

23. PolSci 309: The Executive Branch and Constitutionality in Times of War and Crisis. Damn. That was a political debate. Did any of you non-lawyers/non-PolSci dorks enjoy that as much as I did. Yanosh the Pragmatist + the VP Palpatine v. Palmer 2.0 over the legality of Executive Order 1066. I’d like to pat the backs of the writers for tying the Exec. Order into FDR’s Exec. Order 9066, which called for the interment of Japanese citizens during WWII. I’d also like to pat myself on the back for recognizing the correlation. Who knew I was actually paying attention during Professor Pohlman’s Con Law class during Sophomore Year (I was even pledging at the time)? I’m also pretty psyched that my mind didn’t automatically jump to “Execute Order...66”. Most of all, I’m thrilled that Palmer 2.0 acted exceptionally Palmeresque with lines like “...never governed by the politics of fear,” and “The discussion on this matter is over”. Great scene.

President Palmer & VP Palpatine engage in Constitutional debate.

24. Told you so. What’s that, CTU technician Ackbar? You have something to tell Morris. Go ahead:

Honestly, I have no idea why I am making so many Star Wars references this week.

BONUS! 25. Phillip Bauer is EVIL! Dammit! He totally Rollo Tomasi-ed us. Bastard! What a great little conversation with Opie. “Doin’ great, son.” “Thanks, dad. I’m tough! Tougher than Jack!” “We’ve got to save the company (Question: What the hell is the company, and why’s it so damn important?)”. “Word, dad. I got it under control, Jack doesn’t suspect that YOU WERE REALLY BEHIND PALMER/TONY/DOE-EYES’ DEATHS” “Umm..yeah. And he’s not going to. Cuz I asked too much. And also, cuz you’re dead.” “Wha.....glurghghghgdurrhghgh”. fin.

Stats:

Dammits: 1(6) – Jack after Phil kills Irv’s friend

Terrorist Casualties: 3 damn skippy! Irv. Irv’s friend, and Opie.

CTU Casualties: 0! Way to stay alive, CiderJack!

Player of the Game: Phillip Bauer. Big Daddy Phil is playing everyone like a harp from Hell. As I wrote this, I realized that he killed Irv’s friend in order to keep him from talking and blowing his cover. Tremendous. I don’t know if I buy that it should have been that easy to kill Opie and get away with it, but whatever, I’m too busy wondering how this is all going to play out, and if Phil’s in bed with Bald Bad. Also: mega-bonus points for the Dad Look of Doom.

Final Verdict: 4.5 out of 5 D’Edgars. I left a half point off just in case it gets better than this. While we were a little short on action, we were high on family angst, which is made all the more captivating by the great performances being put in by everyone involved. Even Aunt Hottie did some nice work this week. The fact that I ended up talking to both my dad and my brother about this episode is a strange coincidence, isn’t it? All-in-all, a pleasing death for Opie and a fantastic confession to Jack, even though we learned that Phillip’s been behind everything all along. Crazy-go-nuts.

See yinz next week.

-apk