Well, if that’s not the most misleading title in the history of blogging, I don’t know what is. Why is it misleading you ask? You know the rules! 24 Things per hour means it’s time for 48 Things I Thought I Thought About “Redemption” While Wondering Why “Redemption” is the Movie’s Title Even Though Jack has Nothing to Redeem Himself for and Thinking that Maybe it has Something to do with the Fact that I Need to Redeem Myself for Letting 24 Things About Day Six Putter Out with the End of Season Six, then Thinking that Maybe 24 Just has to Redeem Itself for Season Six. Y’know?
1. Previously, on 24
So yeah, Day Six kinda sucked, all-in-all. When last we had seen Jack, he thwarted the Chinese and his Dad, and was staring out over a cliff during sunrise. Was he deciding to jump? Was he deciding to shack up with Aunt Hottie? Was he also wondering whether Chuck Logan died? Who knows? Will we get answers today? Doubtful. But who cares. The Jack Attack is Back, umm..Jack.
2. It's been HOW LONG? Okay, let's see here, since we last saw Jack in May 2007, I have changed jobs; Philadelphia has won a championship; the United States has elected an African-American President; I have moved to my fly new industrial-style loft apartment where I live alone with my imaginary dog Loki; my real dog, Penny, has moved on from this mortal coil; the economy has collapsed; Four of the Final Five Cylons have been exposed and the RTF has found a very charred Earth (spoiler!); I still have no girlfriend (but have beaten both Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed on the XBOX 360); Taylor has returned from war and set up shop in Cincy; Kup's bought a house; Uram is engaged; and the Tomatoes are still awesome (Nat's still a doll and Jerry's still a dick). Yup, that pretty much covers everything.
3. WE'RE LIVE! from my previously mentioned fly new digs- affectionately called "Ice Station Zebra 2.0" by no one other than myself. I voted for Obama, so I won't be invited back to Casa Tomato until January. Instead, I'm here with Aussome Paul and Kelly the Ballerina. Paul is from Australia, but he loves Jack Bauer despite his hawkish conservative politics and pro-Bush agenda. Kelly has never seen Die Hard, 24, A Few Good Men, Star Trek II, or pretty much anything else that's awesome. She's young. We're working on it. I just exposed her to Airwolf on the local Retro station. Airwolf totally just fought an Evil Mega Helicopter of DOOM, and Stringfellow Hawk overcame 'Nam flashbacks to blow it all to hell while the Coolest Theme Music of All-Time blared out over my 62" TV. Proof positive that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
4. Oh, this is a 24 blog. With the formalities out of the way, let's get to the ACTION. The movie starts without the usual "The following takes place..." intro. However, FOX warned us that "Viewer Discretion is Advised," so I'm pretty psyched. Didn't realize how much I missed this show until this very second. And here's our bad- an Evil African warlord who's feeding impressed child warriors hypnotic Hug Jugs and encouraging them to "Kill the Cock-a-Roaches" infesting their fair country. This guy is officially a better villain than anyone from last season, even Fyad. I'm blanking on a nickname. We'll call him the Exterminator, even though he kind of looks like Winston from the Ghostbusters.
5. That's gonna be one hell of a mess. Methinks a 9-year old brandishing a machete is not the most efficient way to execute someone. Does this make the Exterminator incompetent or more badass? I'm going with badass. Aha! The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 PM and 5:00 PM. Events occur in real time. Goosebumps, anybody else?
6. Watch out for Cougars in town! (I had to get the obligatory Cougar joke out of the way toot suite). Meet Willie and Desmond of the Okavango School. Despite Willie's insistence that "Mr. Benton" doesn't like it when they run into town alone, Desmond, aka, "KIM" goes to play some "football," aka, soccer. This should end well. Rules-guy Willie stays at the school.
7. Jack Sack is Back, umm, Jack! Honestly, I love that we get to see the Jack Sack before we get to see Jack. Willie, that thieving bastard, goes rooting where he doesn't belong. Jack catches him, and it's exposition time-- Jack's been wandering around the world for like, a year or so, since we last saw him at the Raines's estate. He stopped in India where he picked up the Sarong Plot Device to give to Kim, proving that even half a world away, she will eventually frak him over. He gives Willie the Sarong Plot Device in exchange for the sweet knife that Wilie pocketed. You see, Jack's not going home.
8. Subliminal costuming. Frank the Douche from the Embassy has a subpoena for Jack to testify in front of the Senate about some questionable tactics he used as the recently disbanded CTU. We know Frank's a douche because he's been conveniently outfitted with the dumbest sideburns in history and wears really stupid glasses. Jack tells him to pound salt. Frank leaves the subpoena with Mr. Bennett, whom Jack apparently knows from his special forces days. Why Jack was serving in the Army with a dude with a UK accent is beyond even my overactive imagination's ability to comprehend.
9. Natty Tomato is swooning. Sure, I love Jack's pretty-cool beard. I guarantee you that Natty is swooning over Kiefer's prison-hardened pecs in that shirt.
10. Good Morning, Mr. Phelps. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. John Voight! God my dad hates that guy. Looks like our Domestic Big Bad is following the 24 Tradition of pulling rotting actor carcasses off the scrap heap and making them players in the world of TV. The tradition starts with Keifer, takes us to Dennis Hopper, through Peter Weller and James Cromwell, and now to Mr. Voight. It's the ol' 24 Juvenation Machine, and I'm totally down with this casting. Voight is a deliciously evil @$hole. Hope he sticks around.
2. It's been HOW LONG? Okay, let's see here, since we last saw Jack in May 2007, I have changed jobs; Philadelphia has won a championship; the United States has elected an African-American President; I have moved to my fly new industrial-style loft apartment where I live alone with my imaginary dog Loki; my real dog, Penny, has moved on from this mortal coil; the economy has collapsed; Four of the Final Five Cylons have been exposed and the RTF has found a very charred Earth (spoiler!); I still have no girlfriend (but have beaten both Mass Effect and Assassin's Creed on the XBOX 360); Taylor has returned from war and set up shop in Cincy; Kup's bought a house; Uram is engaged; and the Tomatoes are still awesome (Nat's still a doll and Jerry's still a dick). Yup, that pretty much covers everything.
3. WE'RE LIVE! from my previously mentioned fly new digs- affectionately called "Ice Station Zebra 2.0" by no one other than myself. I voted for Obama, so I won't be invited back to Casa Tomato until January. Instead, I'm here with Aussome Paul and Kelly the Ballerina. Paul is from Australia, but he loves Jack Bauer despite his hawkish conservative politics and pro-Bush agenda. Kelly has never seen Die Hard, 24, A Few Good Men, Star Trek II, or pretty much anything else that's awesome. She's young. We're working on it. I just exposed her to Airwolf on the local Retro station. Airwolf totally just fought an Evil Mega Helicopter of DOOM, and Stringfellow Hawk overcame 'Nam flashbacks to blow it all to hell while the Coolest Theme Music of All-Time blared out over my 62" TV. Proof positive that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
4. Oh, this is a 24 blog. With the formalities out of the way, let's get to the ACTION. The movie starts without the usual "The following takes place..." intro. However, FOX warned us that "Viewer Discretion is Advised," so I'm pretty psyched. Didn't realize how much I missed this show until this very second. And here's our bad- an Evil African warlord who's feeding impressed child warriors hypnotic Hug Jugs and encouraging them to "Kill the Cock-a-Roaches" infesting their fair country. This guy is officially a better villain than anyone from last season, even Fyad. I'm blanking on a nickname. We'll call him the Exterminator, even though he kind of looks like Winston from the Ghostbusters.
5. That's gonna be one hell of a mess. Methinks a 9-year old brandishing a machete is not the most efficient way to execute someone. Does this make the Exterminator incompetent or more badass? I'm going with badass. Aha! The Following Takes Place Between 3:00 PM and 5:00 PM. Events occur in real time. Goosebumps, anybody else?
6. Watch out for Cougars in town! (I had to get the obligatory Cougar joke out of the way toot suite). Meet Willie and Desmond of the Okavango School. Despite Willie's insistence that "Mr. Benton" doesn't like it when they run into town alone, Desmond, aka, "KIM" goes to play some "football," aka, soccer. This should end well. Rules-guy Willie stays at the school.
7. Jack Sack is Back, umm, Jack! Honestly, I love that we get to see the Jack Sack before we get to see Jack. Willie, that thieving bastard, goes rooting where he doesn't belong. Jack catches him, and it's exposition time-- Jack's been wandering around the world for like, a year or so, since we last saw him at the Raines's estate. He stopped in India where he picked up the Sarong Plot Device to give to Kim, proving that even half a world away, she will eventually frak him over. He gives Willie the Sarong Plot Device in exchange for the sweet knife that Wilie pocketed. You see, Jack's not going home.
8. Subliminal costuming. Frank the Douche from the Embassy has a subpoena for Jack to testify in front of the Senate about some questionable tactics he used as the recently disbanded CTU. We know Frank's a douche because he's been conveniently outfitted with the dumbest sideburns in history and wears really stupid glasses. Jack tells him to pound salt. Frank leaves the subpoena with Mr. Bennett, whom Jack apparently knows from his special forces days. Why Jack was serving in the Army with a dude with a UK accent is beyond even my overactive imagination's ability to comprehend.
9. Natty Tomato is swooning. Sure, I love Jack's pretty-cool beard. I guarantee you that Natty is swooning over Kiefer's prison-hardened pecs in that shirt.
10. Good Morning, Mr. Phelps. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. John Voight! God my dad hates that guy. Looks like our Domestic Big Bad is following the 24 Tradition of pulling rotting actor carcasses off the scrap heap and making them players in the world of TV. The tradition starts with Keifer, takes us to Dennis Hopper, through Peter Weller and James Cromwell, and now to Mr. Voight. It's the ol' 24 Juvenation Machine, and I'm totally down with this casting. Voight is a deliciously evil @$hole. Hope he sticks around.
11. Well Hello to You.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Carly Pope.
You're Welcome.
24 never fails to deliver us hotties. She is somebody who is apparently important's g/f. Character name is apparently "Samantha Roth." Whatever. Holy Wow, was she bringin' it in that ensemble.
12. It's Mr. Benton if You're Nasty. So Carl Benton. I know this guy from somewhere, right? He sure looks familiar. But his IMDB just lists a bunch of kinda-shitty movies like 28 Weeks Later and Eragon. He was in Trainspotting, but I've never seen that. (WOAH! Correction- just found it. He was Renard, the Bond Villain that cannot feel pain from "The World is Not Enough." One of my all-time favorite Bond Villains. That's where I know him.) Regardless, this guy and Jack are obviously very close, and very awesome together. Notably, Jack throws the first "Dammit" his way after he inadvertently insults him. Seems like Carl's "Redemption" is the school. But what is Jack's? Where will Jack find peace? CAN Jack find peace? These are questions we are meant to ponder, but we know the answer already- Jack finds peace by offing terrorists and saving the U-S-of-motherfrakkin'-A. Let's start shooting things, friends, shall we?
13. Dumb and Dumber. Okay, so some junkie/techie (a 24 staple) has been instructed to destroy all of John Voight's files. These files show that Mr. Phelps has been responsible for re-arming the rebels/insurgents/freedom-fighters/evil people that are being led by The Exterminator. Apparently they're armed and ready to start a coup. So Dumb calls up Ms. Pope's b/f, who we shall call "Dumber" and they start discussing how Dumb is all nervous and blah blah blah. Pope is HOT. This storyline already has me bored. Kids- it's a TWO HOUR MOVIE. Let's KILL BAD GUYS.
14. Product Placement! Another 24 tradition, and probably the only reason we're 20+ minutes in without a commercial (or as Paul calls them, much to everyone's confusion, an "ad"). I can deal. Overall, we get blatant shout-outs to Hyundai, Cisco, Sprint, Nextel, and others. I was convinced that Dumb's Hyundai was gonna go ka-blooey, but I suppose that would have been the worst product placement ever. Wish I was re-capping awesome show stuff right now? Me too. When it happens, I'll get right to it.
15. Oh! Ahhhhhhh! I get it! Dumber is the new President's son. He is the First Stud or something. Let's meet the new Prez, shall we- wah? Wait. It's...it's a girl? Man, somebody backed the wrong Democrat? Am I right? This is President Taylor, played by (apparently) Tony-Award Winning Actress Cherry Jones. I've got not problem with an idealistic woman President in the 24 Universe. Sadly, this means the end of the President Palpatine Administration. If you'll recall Powers Boothe really started to bring the ruckus at the end of Day Six, and though he was kind of evil, he got nicer.
16. Yanosh! Peter MacNihol, the hands-down MVP of Day Six stops in to inform President-Elect Taylor that, just hours before her inauguration, the aforementioned Jim Phelps bankrolled coup is going to take place, and that President Palpatine is cutting and/or running from the US Embassy there come 5pm that day. The name of our Fictitious African Nation in Turmoil is "Sengala." Good to know. The PM of Sengala, whom Pres. Palpatine informs is SOL when it comes to American help is none other than the Guy With the Machete that Bond Kills in the Stairwell from Casino Royale. You love that I point these things out to you, don't you? Man, I'm gonna miss Yanosh.
17. Interesting Political Twist. Basically, Senagala = Darfur. As President Palpatine points out to us- we can't go in there because of the way we've acted elsewhere in the globe. Thus, we'll be turning a blind-eye to this particular genocide. P-E Taylor is shocked and awed and unhappy with the decision, yet painted as the morally correct player in this argument. It's an interesting position for this show to take. I offer no further comment.
18. EXCHANGE OF THE DAY (re: dealing with Sengala)-
Prez. Palpatine: I appreciate your idealism.
P-E Taylor: I'm sorry I can't say the same for your cynicism.
Prez. Palpatine: Let's talk when you've been in my chair for a while.
SLAM! I will miss the hell out of Powers Boothe on this show, and I hope inklings that he's involved in The Big Bad Plot of Day Seven prove true, so that we get a lot more of this guy, and hopefully Yanosh.
19. Cue the Cliche Chanting Music. Surely enough, Kim's ill-advised soccer game is broken up by The Exterminator's brother, who has come to round up more children for their army. Though Kim and a companion make a break for it, they are seemingly gunned down by The Dumbest Henchman in History. Seriously, in a mistake so blatant that he's even derided for it by Exterminator's Brother, this guy shoots the two kids they're trying to capture so they can add them to their Army. Where'd he go to Henchman School?
20. Tender goodbye with Willie. First of all, Jack's Jacket is made of win. Now that I've chimed in on that, I'd also like to add that Jack is great with kids and mentally disabled. How Kim ended up so wrong must purely be Teri Bauer's fault, giving us another in a long-line of reasons to hate her. Anyway, Jack's leaving, and Willie has to stay behind to protect the children or some whatever. Nice moment.
21. Excalibur. Carl calls up Jack to inform him that he's found Kim's bullet-ridden body, and that the Exterminator's men are headed to the school. Jack vows to defend them at all costs. Jack being given a cell phone is like Luke Skywalker catching his new lightsabre, The Terminator putting on sunglasses, and "The Wizard" picking up the Nintendo Powerglove all in one. There's an asswhuppin' coming. You know it. He knows it. The world knows it. And it's gonna be awesome.
22. AWW SNAP! Jack to the Froggy UN Pantywaist, "Save your helmet for the parade, they ARE coming...Why don't you go hide in the shelter with the other children?" As an aside- Taylor says that UN workers are just like this guy. Oh- welcome Taylor! I hope you dig 24. You've just taken the first steps into a much larger world.
23. On two Jeeps? Really, this should be easy as eatin' pancakes for Jack.
24. Jack Bauer Terrorist...err..Evil Bad Guy Shoot 'em Up Counting Game! It's time for everyone's favorite game show! Count with me! One! One-a-dead bad guy (via pistol). Two! Two-a-dead bad guys ah-ha-ah-ha (pistol)! Three! Three -a-dead-a-bad-guys ha-ha (pistol) FOUR! Four-a-dead-a-bad-guys! ha-ah-ha! (knife!)...uh oh. Jack has a Machine Gun, now. Add two more dead bad guys via machine gun and another via grenade to the bad guy's crotch. Jack just killed SEVEN evil ...woah. He just effed up TWO more with knifes and karate-Jack-fu before he was finally knocked out by a machine gun to the head. I have waited 18 months for that. It was beautiful.
13. Dumb and Dumber. Okay, so some junkie/techie (a 24 staple) has been instructed to destroy all of John Voight's files. These files show that Mr. Phelps has been responsible for re-arming the rebels/insurgents/freedom-fighters/evil people that are being led by The Exterminator. Apparently they're armed and ready to start a coup. So Dumb calls up Ms. Pope's b/f, who we shall call "Dumber" and they start discussing how Dumb is all nervous and blah blah blah. Pope is HOT. This storyline already has me bored. Kids- it's a TWO HOUR MOVIE. Let's KILL BAD GUYS.
14. Product Placement! Another 24 tradition, and probably the only reason we're 20+ minutes in without a commercial (or as Paul calls them, much to everyone's confusion, an "ad"). I can deal. Overall, we get blatant shout-outs to Hyundai, Cisco, Sprint, Nextel, and others. I was convinced that Dumb's Hyundai was gonna go ka-blooey, but I suppose that would have been the worst product placement ever. Wish I was re-capping awesome show stuff right now? Me too. When it happens, I'll get right to it.
15. Oh! Ahhhhhhh! I get it! Dumber is the new President's son. He is the First Stud or something. Let's meet the new Prez, shall we- wah? Wait. It's...it's a girl? Man, somebody backed the wrong Democrat? Am I right? This is President Taylor, played by (apparently) Tony-Award Winning Actress Cherry Jones. I've got not problem with an idealistic woman President in the 24 Universe. Sadly, this means the end of the President Palpatine Administration. If you'll recall Powers Boothe really started to bring the ruckus at the end of Day Six, and though he was kind of evil, he got nicer.
16. Yanosh! Peter MacNihol, the hands-down MVP of Day Six stops in to inform President-Elect Taylor that, just hours before her inauguration, the aforementioned Jim Phelps bankrolled coup is going to take place, and that President Palpatine is cutting and/or running from the US Embassy there come 5pm that day. The name of our Fictitious African Nation in Turmoil is "Sengala." Good to know. The PM of Sengala, whom Pres. Palpatine informs is SOL when it comes to American help is none other than the Guy With the Machete that Bond Kills in the Stairwell from Casino Royale. You love that I point these things out to you, don't you? Man, I'm gonna miss Yanosh.
17. Interesting Political Twist. Basically, Senagala = Darfur. As President Palpatine points out to us- we can't go in there because of the way we've acted elsewhere in the globe. Thus, we'll be turning a blind-eye to this particular genocide. P-E Taylor is shocked and awed and unhappy with the decision, yet painted as the morally correct player in this argument. It's an interesting position for this show to take. I offer no further comment.
18. EXCHANGE OF THE DAY (re: dealing with Sengala)-
Prez. Palpatine: I appreciate your idealism.
P-E Taylor: I'm sorry I can't say the same for your cynicism.
Prez. Palpatine: Let's talk when you've been in my chair for a while.
SLAM! I will miss the hell out of Powers Boothe on this show, and I hope inklings that he's involved in The Big Bad Plot of Day Seven prove true, so that we get a lot more of this guy, and hopefully Yanosh.
19. Cue the Cliche Chanting Music. Surely enough, Kim's ill-advised soccer game is broken up by The Exterminator's brother, who has come to round up more children for their army. Though Kim and a companion make a break for it, they are seemingly gunned down by The Dumbest Henchman in History. Seriously, in a mistake so blatant that he's even derided for it by Exterminator's Brother, this guy shoots the two kids they're trying to capture so they can add them to their Army. Where'd he go to Henchman School?
20. Tender goodbye with Willie. First of all, Jack's Jacket is made of win. Now that I've chimed in on that, I'd also like to add that Jack is great with kids and mentally disabled. How Kim ended up so wrong must purely be Teri Bauer's fault, giving us another in a long-line of reasons to hate her. Anyway, Jack's leaving, and Willie has to stay behind to protect the children or some whatever. Nice moment.
21. Excalibur. Carl calls up Jack to inform him that he's found Kim's bullet-ridden body, and that the Exterminator's men are headed to the school. Jack vows to defend them at all costs. Jack being given a cell phone is like Luke Skywalker catching his new lightsabre, The Terminator putting on sunglasses, and "The Wizard" picking up the Nintendo Powerglove all in one. There's an asswhuppin' coming. You know it. He knows it. The world knows it. And it's gonna be awesome.
22. AWW SNAP! Jack to the Froggy UN Pantywaist, "Save your helmet for the parade, they ARE coming...Why don't you go hide in the shelter with the other children?" As an aside- Taylor says that UN workers are just like this guy. Oh- welcome Taylor! I hope you dig 24. You've just taken the first steps into a much larger world.
23. On two Jeeps? Really, this should be easy as eatin' pancakes for Jack.
24. Jack Bauer Terrorist...err..Evil Bad Guy Shoot 'em Up Counting Game! It's time for everyone's favorite game show! Count with me! One! One-a-dead bad guy (via pistol). Two! Two-a-dead bad guys ah-ha-ah-ha (pistol)! Three! Three -a-dead-a-bad-guys ha-ha (pistol) FOUR! Four-a-dead-a-bad-guys! ha-ah-ha! (knife!)...uh oh. Jack has a Machine Gun, now. Add two more dead bad guys via machine gun and another via grenade to the bad guy's crotch. Jack just killed SEVEN evil ...woah. He just effed up TWO more with knifes and karate-Jack-fu before he was finally knocked out by a machine gun to the head. I have waited 18 months for that. It was beautiful.
25. If you're scoring at home:
(click me)
Sorry about the resolution there. So Paul and I discussed it, and we think it goes: Bourne > Bauer > Bond (Daniel Craig, the rest are bollocks) > Ethan Hunt > Our Man Flint > Matt Helm > Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Feel free to discuss/ add in secret agents where you like. Let's get down to brass tacks- I love Jack Bauer. Certainly more than I like Jason Bourne. However, Jason Bourne is basically the answer to the question, "What if you took Jack Bauer and brainwashed him into a relentless, remorseless Mega-Assassin?" There you go. For the record, the Winter Soldier would tool them all.
26. You Have No Idea Who You're Dealing With. Like there is anything that The Exterminator's Brother can do to Jack that would ever get him to talk. Does "two years as a prisoner of the Chinese" mean anything to you?
27. Jack Bauer: better actor or dancer, you decide. Jack starts crying and "gives up" the location of the kids, springing the trap for Carl to kill them all. As gunfire sounds the alarm to brother of the Exterminator, he meets an ignominious end when Jack BREAKS HIS NECK WITH HIS LEGS. He may have used this move on Fayed. I can't remember. Regardless, this is the coolest Jack-kill since he tore that dude's throat out with his teeth. Body count: 8. This may be more people than Jack killed all of Day Six. How I have missed this show.
28. BEHOLD THE BIG BAD! Well well well. The Exterminator is the not the Big Bad after all, he is merely Lt. Exterminator. The Big Bad is none other than that Evil Mercenary Dude from The Rock. You know, the one that "hates that soft-@$$ $hit," The Rocketman? Word has it he was also the Candyman, but I don't watch horror movies (ask me about not sleeping for three days after watching the new/lame Amityville Horror), so I'm calling him General Rocketman. The coup is really his (though Jim Phelps paid for it).
29. President Taylor's Shoes Suck. So says Kelly the Ballerina. This is why I keep girls around. To give you hard-hitting intel like that. Moving on.
30. It was me Austin! it was ME ALL ALONG! President Palpatine, in order:
1) pours himself a drink at like, 11 am;
2) insists that Pres. Taylor refers to him as Mr. President;
3) insinuates that he only lost the election because his heart wasn't in it.
And right there, he has heel turned. He is so deliciously evil, I cannot describe it. I'm not buying President Taylor standing toe-to-toe with him, though. She lacks gravitas.
31. Things I wish were in this episode instead of the continuing misadventures of Dumb and Dumber:
1) Bill Buchanan (oh HELL YEAH);
2) Yanosh!
3) Brady, the Very "special" brother to that bad guy from last year's worst moment;
4) Charles Logan;
5) Does Eyes;
6) Carly Pope still in lingerie;
7) Aaron Pierce;
8) Crazy-go-nuts Audrey blabbering about China;
9) Chloe &/or Morris;
10) Ricky Schroeder's Missing Eye;
11) The rotting corpses of Blackjack and Middle Management Milo; and
12) Teri Bauer.
Yes. I hate this storyline this much already.
32. Uh. oh.
Carl tells Jack to follow the river to freedom, for he and the children should be safe from The Exterminator's advances. He is so dead. Sucks, cuz he's kinda awesome.
33. I never saw the ending, but...this whole "movie" is basically Jack Bauer IN Tears of the Sun, right?
34. Cue the Sarong Plot Device. You forgot about it, too, didn't you? Well, Willie somehow had the Sarong Plot Device sneak out of his luggage and onto a bush that was conveniently growing next to a mine field. Let's ignore, for just a second, the fact that the entire refugee group JUST WALKED PAST THAT BUSH and NONE OF THEM TRIPPED ANY MINES, and instead focus on... no. Wait. Nothing else to focus on. That was contrived and stupid, and I'm not letting 24 get away with that crap this year.
35. Rusty. Okay, my bad. I forgot to explain what's going on. Carl called Frank the Douche at the Embassy, who established that he won't let anyone into the embassy to escape with the last Marine choppers unless they've got American citizenship or appropriate paperwork. He won't even let you in if you promise him "anything," and you're a kind of hot local. Frank is a DOUCHE. He is a bastion for bureaucracy. Gleefully, Carl has paperwork for all of the kids, and after spouting the second "Dammit" of the movie to Frank, he and Jack set out to get the kids to the Embassy. Hot on the trail, having been informed by the Froggy UN Pantywaist that Jack killed his brother, is The Exterminator and his cronies. We can see where this is headed, right? Jack has to get back to the US somehow. Jack always wins-- at a price. Carl is so dead, and Jack's going to have to sacrifice himself to save the kids. Let's see how it plays out!
26. You Have No Idea Who You're Dealing With. Like there is anything that The Exterminator's Brother can do to Jack that would ever get him to talk. Does "two years as a prisoner of the Chinese" mean anything to you?
27. Jack Bauer: better actor or dancer, you decide. Jack starts crying and "gives up" the location of the kids, springing the trap for Carl to kill them all. As gunfire sounds the alarm to brother of the Exterminator, he meets an ignominious end when Jack BREAKS HIS NECK WITH HIS LEGS. He may have used this move on Fayed. I can't remember. Regardless, this is the coolest Jack-kill since he tore that dude's throat out with his teeth. Body count: 8. This may be more people than Jack killed all of Day Six. How I have missed this show.
28. BEHOLD THE BIG BAD! Well well well. The Exterminator is the not the Big Bad after all, he is merely Lt. Exterminator. The Big Bad is none other than that Evil Mercenary Dude from The Rock. You know, the one that "hates that soft-@$$ $hit," The Rocketman? Word has it he was also the Candyman, but I don't watch horror movies (ask me about not sleeping for three days after watching the new/lame Amityville Horror), so I'm calling him General Rocketman. The coup is really his (though Jim Phelps paid for it).
29. President Taylor's Shoes Suck. So says Kelly the Ballerina. This is why I keep girls around. To give you hard-hitting intel like that. Moving on.
30. It was me Austin! it was ME ALL ALONG! President Palpatine, in order:
1) pours himself a drink at like, 11 am;
2) insists that Pres. Taylor refers to him as Mr. President;
3) insinuates that he only lost the election because his heart wasn't in it.
And right there, he has heel turned. He is so deliciously evil, I cannot describe it. I'm not buying President Taylor standing toe-to-toe with him, though. She lacks gravitas.
31. Things I wish were in this episode instead of the continuing misadventures of Dumb and Dumber:
1) Bill Buchanan (oh HELL YEAH);
2) Yanosh!
3) Brady, the Very "special" brother to that bad guy from last year's worst moment;
4) Charles Logan;
5) Does Eyes;
6) Carly Pope still in lingerie;
7) Aaron Pierce;
8) Crazy-go-nuts Audrey blabbering about China;
9) Chloe &/or Morris;
10) Ricky Schroeder's Missing Eye;
11) The rotting corpses of Blackjack and Middle Management Milo; and
12) Teri Bauer.
Yes. I hate this storyline this much already.
32. Uh. oh.
Carl tells Jack to follow the river to freedom, for he and the children should be safe from The Exterminator's advances. He is so dead. Sucks, cuz he's kinda awesome.
33. I never saw the ending, but...this whole "movie" is basically Jack Bauer IN Tears of the Sun, right?
34. Cue the Sarong Plot Device. You forgot about it, too, didn't you? Well, Willie somehow had the Sarong Plot Device sneak out of his luggage and onto a bush that was conveniently growing next to a mine field. Let's ignore, for just a second, the fact that the entire refugee group JUST WALKED PAST THAT BUSH and NONE OF THEM TRIPPED ANY MINES, and instead focus on... no. Wait. Nothing else to focus on. That was contrived and stupid, and I'm not letting 24 get away with that crap this year.
35. Rusty. Okay, my bad. I forgot to explain what's going on. Carl called Frank the Douche at the Embassy, who established that he won't let anyone into the embassy to escape with the last Marine choppers unless they've got American citizenship or appropriate paperwork. He won't even let you in if you promise him "anything," and you're a kind of hot local. Frank is a DOUCHE. He is a bastion for bureaucracy. Gleefully, Carl has paperwork for all of the kids, and after spouting the second "Dammit" of the movie to Frank, he and Jack set out to get the kids to the Embassy. Hot on the trail, having been informed by the Froggy UN Pantywaist that Jack killed his brother, is The Exterminator and his cronies. We can see where this is headed, right? Jack has to get back to the US somehow. Jack always wins-- at a price. Carl is so dead, and Jack's going to have to sacrifice himself to save the kids. Let's see how it plays out!
36. I should be writing in Hollywood. Sure enough, Willie loses the Sarong Plot Device OF DOOM, and as Carl saves him from the minefield, he steps on a spring-loaded old school Russian charge. THERE'S NO TIME to save Carl, so he sends Jack ahead with the papers while Carl decides to try to take a couple coupsters with him. There's a ton of great acting here. Fantastic scene, and in ninety short minutes, Carl Benton has joined the Pantheon with George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, David Palmer, Tony Almeida, Blackjack, and Doe Eyes. You will be missed.
37. Oh yeah. In case I wasn't clear, Carl dies off screen when the mine explodes. However, he slyly pulls The Exterminator and three or four henchmen within range of the blast before it goes off. Champion. That was a good death, although it's unclear whether The Exterminator died. Carl also said that the blast would probably only take off his leg, so maybe he's alive (and with ZTA coming to haunt our dreams, you never know). That would kind of be awesome. And yes, this was a blatant attempt to stretch one thing into two, because 48 is a hell of a lot. In fact I can't believe you're still reading. I thank you.
39. Neither here nor there. But if anyone can point me to one of those Obama-HOPE-style pictures of Jack that just says BAUER or JACK on it, I will give you fifty bucks. I need to either get one of those, or figure out how to make one myself. That would be as rad as the Luke Skywalker "A NEW HOPE" one, the Heath Ledger "JOKE" one, or the Dr. Doom "DOOM" one.
37. Oh yeah. In case I wasn't clear, Carl dies off screen when the mine explodes. However, he slyly pulls The Exterminator and three or four henchmen within range of the blast before it goes off. Champion. That was a good death, although it's unclear whether The Exterminator died. Carl also said that the blast would probably only take off his leg, so maybe he's alive (and with ZTA coming to haunt our dreams, you never know). That would kind of be awesome. And yes, this was a blatant attempt to stretch one thing into two, because 48 is a hell of a lot. In fact I can't believe you're still reading. I thank you.
39. Neither here nor there. But if anyone can point me to one of those Obama-HOPE-style pictures of Jack that just says BAUER or JACK on it, I will give you fifty bucks. I need to either get one of those, or figure out how to make one myself. That would be as rad as the Luke Skywalker "A NEW HOPE" one, the Heath Ledger "JOKE" one, or the Dr. Doom "DOOM" one.
40. Truly great. When Jack here's the bomb go off, signifying Carl's death, he has a moment of total devastation. Everyone he cares about dies. How Jack has just not killed himself at this point is beyond me. Why anyone would keep going after all he's lost.... I mean, it used to be Audrey. What is it now? At the very least, you'd think he'd be hunting the world to get to Cheng (who escaped last year, right?), but now, what's he living for? Please address this in Day Seven. Please.
41. The Gauntlet! Jack and the boys have to make their way through the streets to get to the Embassy, and THERE'S NO TIME!!! In a cool moment, Jack notices an oncoming assailant, and shoots him the second he moves for his weapon. Awesome. Jack then dispatches of three more coupsters before getting to the Embassy gates.
42. AT LEAST kneecap him! Right after Jack takes out the last coupster, he turns right into the sights of the "Kill the Cocak-a-roaches" machete kid from the beginning, who has now upgraded to a machine gun. Jack talks him down and the kid runs away. I humbly disagree with this process, for I believe that the old Jack would not have let anything get in his way, not even a 9 old with an AK-47. Great, dramatic moment though.
43. BUREAUCRATIC CLIMAX! After all that, Jack's mission's success comes down to him convincing Frank the Douche that the papers are legit, and that the kids need to make the last helicopter out of town. He does, but as usual, it comes at a price- Jack must turn himself in (as the kids' "American citizen sponsor") and head back to DC to testify. If you didn't see this coming, you're an idiot. Also, I told you it was going to happen a few minutes ago. Oddly enough, despite the fact that the ending was telegraphed a 1000 miles away, it didn't detract from the ending, which was rather tense and awfully good. It is probably to Frank the Douche's credit that I had no faith in him letting the kids in, especially when he took Jack first and didn't open the gate. Good stuff.
44. 48 is a LOT of things. Seriously, I'm running out of stuff to talk about here. Oh! How about how Dumb was cornered in his apartment by some Very Bad Men, who are seemingly in bed with Jim Phelps. On top of that, Jim Phelps Very Bad Right Hand Man is none other than the First Stud's chauffeur. Since Dumb told Stud some sketchy stuff, this makes him a potential target for Jim Phelps. Cool with me. The over/under on when we find out that his Hot G/F, Ms. Pope is EVIL is Hour 7. Betting opens on December 1, 2008.
42. AT LEAST kneecap him! Right after Jack takes out the last coupster, he turns right into the sights of the "Kill the Cocak-a-roaches" machete kid from the beginning, who has now upgraded to a machine gun. Jack talks him down and the kid runs away. I humbly disagree with this process, for I believe that the old Jack would not have let anything get in his way, not even a 9 old with an AK-47. Great, dramatic moment though.
43. BUREAUCRATIC CLIMAX! After all that, Jack's mission's success comes down to him convincing Frank the Douche that the papers are legit, and that the kids need to make the last helicopter out of town. He does, but as usual, it comes at a price- Jack must turn himself in (as the kids' "American citizen sponsor") and head back to DC to testify. If you didn't see this coming, you're an idiot. Also, I told you it was going to happen a few minutes ago. Oddly enough, despite the fact that the ending was telegraphed a 1000 miles away, it didn't detract from the ending, which was rather tense and awfully good. It is probably to Frank the Douche's credit that I had no faith in him letting the kids in, especially when he took Jack first and didn't open the gate. Good stuff.
44. 48 is a LOT of things. Seriously, I'm running out of stuff to talk about here. Oh! How about how Dumb was cornered in his apartment by some Very Bad Men, who are seemingly in bed with Jim Phelps. On top of that, Jim Phelps Very Bad Right Hand Man is none other than the First Stud's chauffeur. Since Dumb told Stud some sketchy stuff, this makes him a potential target for Jim Phelps. Cool with me. The over/under on when we find out that his Hot G/F, Ms. Pope is EVIL is Hour 7. Betting opens on December 1, 2008.
45. Almost there. Al-most th-ere. It's been 18 months, so I've had to find some new stuff to watch. Besides the normal awesome Discovery Channel shows, like Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch, I've come to adore three shows. Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Sadly, Daisies and DSM have now been canceled. Screw all of you for not watching. They are truly great. As for Terminator- it's going to run a full second season, but will be moved away from a PRIME spot for it (leading into 24) over to Friday nights, which is a death sentence. I implore you to start watching Terminator. It's really rather good, and it keeps getting better and better. The plot is intricate, the characters are fantastic, and the action is top-notch. I will give you my copy of Season 1 RIGHT NOW if you like. Help me save this show, it fills my BSG appetite.
46. A New Presidency. Taylor takes the Oval Office. During her inauguration speech..she...she..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, but President Taylor lacks charisma. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, but I think that if you're going to make us believe that she beat President Palpatine in an election, then she needs to be a little bit more of a pitbull, and a little bit less of an "Oh my son, you are so cute you! thanks for being on time." She's too smiley, too. Somehow, I think that her smile will be tested very soon. I'm looking forward to it.
47. Dumb = Dead. He was such a stupid character that he doesn't even deserve a "DEAD" picture. That would be an insult to Carl. Let's skip to the end and wrap this bad boy up, eh? It's only taken me 2 1/2 hours to write...
48. Silent Clock. Could it end any other way, really? So what do we have here-- another Pyhrric victory for Jack which very nicely sets up the new season and satiated my Jack Bauer Power Hour appetite. I am happy. It wasn't the best two hours of 24 ever, but it gives me faith that an eventual movie could do gangbusters. The extra-long season promo at the end got me very amped for Day Seven, which moves us to DC (Jack walking among marble pillars is the Most American Thing since John Wayne ate an apple pie while playing baseball against the USSR hockey team). Throughout the promo I noticed TONS of awesome people including (I think) Bill Buchanan! Chloe! Voight! Cicero from Gladiator! And ZTA! (btw- why give that away? what a great surprise ruined by the promos) January 11, 2009 can't get here fast enough.
Final Verdict: 4 out of 5 Shooting Christopher Hendersons. In two hours, my faith in the franchise was restored and my love for Jack Bauer was re-ignited. I cannot wait for the new season, which looks to continue the story of General Rocketman and the battle for Sengala much more than I expected. That's pretty much all this movie set out to accomplish, and it did so. I just hope that Frank the Douche gets punched at some point...or that someday we get a little Zombie Carl Benton. Oh, and I hope that Jack finds a little peace somewhere. But not until after about 100 more terrorists/coupsters/badguys feel Final American Justice- Bauer style.
be good to each other.
-apk
