24TAD7 (08:00 -- 09:00)

Wow. So now I know what Sir Edmund Hillary was thinking when he stood at Base Camp and looked up at Everest’s peak. Later, he’d claim that he climbed the highest mountain “because it was there.” However, I’m quite certain he looked up at the snowy top of the world and thought, “Holy shit.”

And with that, I (finally) welcome you to the start of DAY SEVEN. Someone remind me to get a new banner graphic for the page, will ya? Anyway, over two nights, we got four hours of 100% not from concentrate straight-dope-kickass Jack Bauer actionosity. So good, that I’m making up words already. But I digress. Four hours means 96 Things to talk about. And away we go.

The following takes place between 8:00am and 9:00am. Events occur in real time. We’re LIVE! to tape from Ice Station Zebra 2.0 and we’re watching the show unfold in a state of post-San Diego Destruction bliss. YOUR cast of characters includes Yours Truly, Sprout, Mrs. Sprout, Swann, Sky, and Kelly the Ballerina. What a crew. Sadly, I lack HD. I’d take a shot at my cable company being not Comcastic at this point, but it has since fixed the problem, and granted me three months of free DVR for my troubles. So yeah, not angry anymore. Anyway, without further ado, 24 Things I Think I Thought About 24 While Finishing Off the Lucky Stillers Cake and Resuming Despising the Baltimore Ravens and thinking that Bromberg’s “Root for Pittsburgh” Fugazi Tendencies are Both Ridiculous and Pathetic.

NEW! Recap soundtrack this hour: Keane – “Perfect Symmetry,” Keane- “Under the Iron Sea,” (yes. These take so long that i've now rolled through two albums twice).

1. Paging Dr. Phlox, Dr. Phlox. Hey! It’s John Billingsley! Love that guy. In what will be a new (and time consuming) running item this season, I will now point out every “That Guy” on the show. We come right out of the gate with kookie character actor John Billingsley, best known (to me) as Dr. Phlox from Star Trek: Enterprise. You may also know him as the guy who has guest starred on just about every show ever, including Grey’s Anatomy, Prison Break, and the short-lived, oft-lamented The Nine. He’s driving along with his daughter and HOLY SH!T!! (moment #1) he has one of those Volkswagen commercial crashes! No, wait- he has TWO of them! THAT’S how you start a season. Up the Volkswagen crash ante!

2. Those eyes. Those spoilerific eyes. I wonder who has captured Phlox? Who is staring out under that foreboding ski mask? Who ever could it… aww- really. C’mon? Who didn’t know that it was Zombie Tony Almeida (spoiler!) right then? Anyway, let’s move on. That was a pretty effective opening salvo.

3. “Jack, bad things happen to you because you’re a dumbass.” Oh hells yeah! It’s Senator Red Foreman (Kurtwood Smith) playing the biggest pain in the ass Senator since Ortolan Finistirre. He has our Lord and Savior Col. Jack T. Bauer, Toughnuts, Esquire, testifying before a Committee to Spit on the Grave of CTU. Jack’s facing an indictment. I hope the hearing plays out something….like this.

4. Encylcopedia Twentyfourica. If you’re scoring at home, the “Ibrahim Haddad” mentioned during the testimony is the guy who…wait. Umm, he never actually did anything in any of the episodes. You mean after six seasons of Jack torturing people, they couldn’t even question him about something that we SAW? WHAT ABOUT THE GUY HE SHOT AND BEHEADED IN DAY TWO? WASN’T THAT a little HARSH? Sigh. Anyway, yeah, CTU’s been shut down. Did I mention that Day Seven’s taking place in the District?

5. OH NO HE DIDN’!!!! So Jack, was your treatment of Haddad a little over the top? “Probably.” (Rock!) What a speech by Jack: ''And please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions that I have made, because, sir, the truth is, I don't.'' SERVE! SERVE! SERVE! SERVE!

6. You really have no idea how this show works, do you, Red? Jack just got a “Get out of testifying free” card in the form of a subpoena to join the FBI to help with a “situation.” Here we meet Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching), who despite an uncanny resemblance, is not, in fact, “Jan” from The Office. She’s actually from General Hospital or something, I dunno. My gut tells me that she’s kind of hot. Let’s go to the tape:

Wer-schwing!

Decidedly WASPy redhead with green eyes? Dare I say it, she’s an Adam Girl™. Anyway, Senator Foreman tells Jack he has to come back tomorrow. Oops.

7. Me not like 24 not use CTU but use FBI instead. Since it’s not a season of 24 without some office in-fighting during a crisis, we get to meet BIZARRO CTU, featuring Janeane Garafolo as Janis Gold, AKA “Bizarro Chloe,” and Rhys Coiro as Sean Hillinger or “Bizarro Edgar.” Now, The Tomatoes have argued that Sean is closer to a Bizarro Milo than a Bizarro Edgar. However, when you look at the interplay between Janis and Sean, it’s much more like that of Edgar and Chloe, where they obviously like each other in a friendly sense, but are both totally socially inept. Yet, Janis is happy-go-lucky (“I’m a cheerful person”)—the opposite of Chloe and Sean is gruff and sarcastic—the opposite of Edgar’s pure-hearted dork. I think there’s a 60% chance that they just start recycling old Edgar/Chloe dialogue by the end of the season, but with the roles reversed. In short, it’s my blog: Janis is Bizarro Chloe and Sean is Bizarro Edgar. Try to keep up.

8. Stage Two of our dastardly plan: Fire a Diamond Lazerbeam FROM SPACE! The terrorists and their still *chuckle* unrevealed leader are toying around with Air Traffic Control. They are totally pulling a Die Hard 2 here. This organization is hardcore—it gets its ideas from whatever’s on Encore this month.

9. GASP! WHAT? Yup, TV’s worst-kept secret revealed! It’s ZOMBIE TONY ALMEIDA! (ZTA to his friends). He’s leading the terrorists! While 11 million people vacillate between thoughts of “AWESOME!” and “OH, COME ON!,” Agent Walker reminds Jack that Tony was whisked away mere moments after he “died” in Jack’s arms, only hours before Jack was captured by the Chinese. Also- his coffin had a different body. Notably, he has returned with a boss short-haircut and a goatee, which means that he’s EVIL. Jack is unconvinced.

Also allow me to be the 1,345,594^th person on the web to point out that ZTA never received a Silent Clock after he died. So technically he wasn’t dead. Whatever. Glad to have him back, if only it means he will be able to participate in another All-Star Game Celebrity Softball Game. Dude can rake.

10. An airplane is going to fall off a rollercoaster and break every bone in it’s body. What? It can happen. THAT GUY alert—Air Traffic Controller guy is none other than Chris Williams, who you know as that guy from Dodgeball. As a dodgeball player of some repute in these parts, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that he is eliminated in the final against Globo Gym when he TURNS HIS BACK ON THE OTHER TEAM. Are you kidding me? You never turn your back. Patches O’Hoolihan certainly rolled over in his grave when he saw that.

11. McGuffin of DOOM. Today’s McGuffin of DOOM is the “CIP” device, not to be confused with the CHiPs device, which was designed by the government to drive Al Qaeda crazy by beaming the cheesetasticly homoerotic adventures of Ponch and John into their cave hideouts. The CIP device apparently protects the entire Interwebs from bad guys. If you can control that…blah blah…breach firewall….blah blah, bad things happen whatevs. We’ve GOT to get it back! THERE'S NO TIME!

12. Repeat: He’s EVIL. Just to bang home that ZTA no longer plays on the side of the angels, he tells Dr. Phlox that if he can’t get the CIP working tout de suite, that he “won’t need [him].” Luckily, though he now has a mustache to twirl, ZTA refrains.

13. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. If I’m asleep, it means we’ve moved to the Presidential B-Plot. We do learn some important things at breakneck speed. Robin, to the bullet points!

- THAT GUY! Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) from The Shawshank Redemption is President Taylor’s Chief of Staff. His name is Ethan or something. Warden should suffice. Of course, I will always remember him as the San Angelas Police Department Chief from late 90’s classic Demolition Man. That movie was da bomb-diggity back in da day.

/90s speak

- President Taylor has “lost a son” to suicide. Thank God they made this happen off screen. That dude was borrrrr-ing. Don’t forget that, in Redemption, John Voight was eyeing up her son at her inauguration because he was afraid that the son could uncover his plot to re-equip General Juma, formerly deposed dictator of Sengala. I am not saddened by the loss of this boring character, so long as his girlfriend Carly Pope sticks around.

- Juma, “The Rocketman” from The Rock has control of Sengala and he’s doing a little ethnic cleansing. President Taylor, though ally-less, is planning to intervene. Her Sec. of Defense is not thrilled. She doesn’t care. Why I should care about this storyline is beyond me.

14. That’s one theory. Walker figures that ZTA hates the American government now because Charles Logan killed Doe Eyes. Jack doesn't think that’s a good enough reason. Then again, he only lost Teri Bauer. If I lost Doe Eyes, I'd go apeshit. If Jack would have lost Audrey, I’m certain that he and Tony would have teamed up, Wonder Twins style, taken over the country, and we would now be living in the Bauer States of Almeida. Which, come to think of it, would be kind of cool.

15. Doo-doo-dah. The FBI’s ringtone sucks.

16. Blah blah Juma blah. I already don’t care about this story. It needs to get tied into Jack’s story about twelve minutes ago. If we’re not going to do that, can we get back to Jack helping the FBI finding Tony?

17. MAVERICK!! President Taylor says “[Forget you] Jobu, I do it myself” to the UN (I just realized why that’s extra funny *hint- think David Palmer), and she’s goin’ into Sengala come Hell or high water. Hells yes! She is most obviously the Senator from the Great State of Alaska.

18. Even I didn’t know THAT GUY! Apparently the guy using the CIP McGuffin of DOOM and helping Tony out played S.Sgt. William “Wild Bill” Guarnere in HBO’s AMAZING WWII drama Band of Brothers. How Sky, a 24 rookie, saw that is beyond me. Major props. The character “Tim Woods” is played by one Frank John Hughes. He’s also been in The Sopranos, The Guardian (tv show, not Costner/Kutcher vehicle), and most recently in the DeNiro/Pachino crapfest Righteous Kill.

19. I call shenanigans! Okay, the President has word that the air traffic system has been compromised, but the Warden says that it will take 12 hours to ground all air traffic. I refuse to believe it would take that long. How long did it take on 9/11, in a US where there had never been a major terrorist attack? In the CTUniverse, there’s a new major terrorism-related disaster every couple of months. Clearly, the FAA would be able to ground every flight in a matter of an hour or two. What a silly plot device.

20. CARLY POPE! Comin’ atcha! Our C-level storyline is the First Gentleman’s crusade to prove that the First Stud did not commit suicide. New evidence points to the dead son’s g/f (CARLY POPE!) receiving $400K in an offshore account a few days after his death. ZzzzzZZzzzz. Wake me when he confronts Carly.

21. NOW we’re cookin’ with gas. So B-Edgar has been staring at the same six document clues for ages and he’s getting nowhere. In the time it takes Jack to take off his tie and grab a chair, he recognizes a name in one of the invoices ZTA used to buy components for the CIP of DOOM. It is one “Gabriel Schecter,” who, in the next part of our THAT GUY! Schmorgasbord will be played by none other than Tommy Flanagan, who was Maximus’s right-hand man, Cicero, in Gladiator. Isn’t this game FUN?

22. LET HIM DO HIS JOB. Jack’s plan for Cicero: 1) get him; 2) torture him; 3) ????; 4) profit! Larry Moss, heretofore unmentioned Agent-in-Charge of the local FBI office where Jack is working with Agent Walker, is unimpressed. He gets in a pissing contest with Jack. He’s sort of a Bizarro George Mason, in that he’s an unlikable dick, as opposed to Mason’s awesomely great dick. Moss, if you’re scoring at home (and we are here!) is brought to you by Jeffrey Nordling of, well…nothing I seem to have ever watched. How is he so familiar? Anyway, he calls out Jack when Jack gets in his face, because NO ONE TRUSTS JACK BAUER. At least for once, there’s a reason for this, being that Jack is about to be indicted by the government. Based on that little twist alone, it works.

23. She’s still trying to get her hands on an ’01 FLEER rookie. Agent Walker clearly collects Jack Bauer baseball cards. She keeps siding with him and following his plans, much to the chagrin of Mr. Moss, with whom she is quite obviously having relations. All they do is give each other knowing glances and stuff all day and get worried about each other. It's cute, in a "dipping the pen in the company ink" kind of way. What could go wrong? I mean, Jack was sleeping with Nina...crap.

24. I heart Renee. Maybe. Wow, really? Cicero has aged about 32 years since Gladiator came out in 2000. Tough break. And BOY is he English. I’d like to go on chick safari with him, that accent would be deadly. Anywho, Cicero’s not talking, until, in our DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT Agent Walker breaks his sidekick’s arm with some FBI-fu, and turns Cicero’s earlier warning that “he has a witness (to any Jack brutality)” around by saying “Your man was going for his gun—I have a witness.” That. Was. Awesome. She then unleashes Jack, who nearly gouges Cicero’s eye out with a Bic Rounstick before Cicero cracks. See, Cicero was working for …POW POW POW! Total snipage. Dead. Then, a phone call from Tony, “Just stay away Jack.” In a word- Frakking Awesome.

Meanwhile- Flight GAS 117 is about to become “Lost.” I slay me.

The Verdict: By God, that took forever to write. Good thing I don’t have to write a “Verdict” for this hour, because the next hour is starting right…now.