Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.

just when i think i'm out, they pull me back in.

Pinch Hitter: 1 Thing About Day Six (8:00 PM -- 9:00 PM)

Instead of trudging through my angry notes and trying to come up with 24 Things About the Worst Hour in the History of the Show, I've decided to forego such foolishness and link you to THIS ARTICLE from USA Today which so perfectly captures my feelings right now. 

Maybe we can do better tonight, but I doubt it.  I'll be taping the show, in most likelihood, because it's Opening Day, which is basically a Holy Day for me. 

In the meantime, chew on a couple of these things re: Day Six:

1) Who cares about Denver?
2) IS LOGAN ALIVE OR WHAT?
3) How long until Audrey comes back?
4) Think Jerkass Phil's going to return?
5) Remember when Fayed was absolutely hardcore? Now he's a bickering simp.
6) Gredenko is the worst villain in the history of televison. I'd rather Jack go up against Boris & Natasha. At least Boris's Russian accent was convincing.
7) BRADY!
8) No, seriously, BRADY!
9) Okay, really. I'll admit it. As absolutely stupid the Brady plot was, I actually did care whether he took a bullet last week.
10) Milo and Nadia wish they were Tony and Michelle. That came off as nothing more than "Nadia's hot, I should totally kiss her".
11)  Dear Bill Buchanan, please say, "Mike Doyle, I know Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer is a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no Jack Bauer." 
12)  Ugh.

keep your fingers crossed that tonight is better. 

-apk

Random Thought Thing--

waitasecond...

have we ever established whether Logan's dead?


Didn't think so.


In other news: I've not completed 24 things for this week, i know. I can't decide whether to tear this last hour asunder, or simply pretend that it never happend. Vote in the comments.

And pray for Chaz.

-apk

Cougar Thing: Snap Judgments and KMART!

Be ready for about 100 Tom "Brady" jokes. ...I'm just warning you.

Anyway, seriously? This is what we've come to? An hour of Yanosh holding his head in horror as Palpatine orders nuclear strikes for no reason, Karen Hayes and Mrs. Tidwell try to awake the dormant Commander-in-Chief Superiority of Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque, and Jack saves the day with Rain Man.

I'm just going to say it.

"What the hell happened to 24?"

...frak it, I'm going to re-watch the season finale of Battlestar Galactica. Or Wapner.

Yeah, definitely Wapner.

24 TADS (7:00 PM -- 8:00 PM)

Edit: Blogger issues kept the pretty pictures from loading. I added them 'bout noon today. They original Audrey ones were better. Everything else is the same. Don't worry though, you'll get two Audrey pictures a week from me from here on out. (Promise, or threat? who knows)

Wow. It's been a while, huh? What can I say, other than I'm sorry. It's okay, though-- i got drastic tonight, and will likely be posting 24 things about TONIGHT and LAST WEEK. Without further ado, I give you 24 (or more) Things I Think I Thought I Thought About Day Six while bringing to you A COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIVEBLOG! Woot!

8:59 (time is EDT) -- Well, the Pens and Rangers are tied at 0 and headed to the 3d. And the Pens are playing for first place in the division. To be honest, you’re lucky I’m here for you, friends. If I click back and miss something…sorry. I don’t have TiVO. Let’s get it on! I’m LIVE from my bedroom and I’m hoping that this hour’s not as boring as the last. Frankly, the previews look promising as all hell…wait, what’s that Jack, “You should’ve told me about Audrey, Bill”. OH GOD. WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AND WHY DIDN'T BILL TELL ME!!! WHY THE BETRAYAL??!?!?

I officially can’t think of anything until I find out what’s happened to the love of my life.. Umm. Be prepared for short, pithy answers this week. (at least that means I’ll maybe post it tonight…)

9:02 Are we that far along already? It’s dark? It’s dark and Jack has internal bleeding. And SilverJack has taken this “out of your hands, Jack”. Jerkass. He’ll regret that decision mighty soon. Anyway, Jack—GO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO AUDREY! And, umm, Logan, too. Anyone remember him? Did i miss a week or something? Didn't the last episode end with Logan dying in an ambulance?

9:03 Geek alert—the RQ-2 is out there! It’s a STEALTH DRONE! A SUPER SMART DROID. It’s the love child of R2-D2 and Q from Star Trek. I am a nerd.

9:04 The showdown between Bearded Bad and Bald Bad just underscores how helter skelter Bearded is, and how supremely badass Bald is. The focus on Gredenko the last six weeks has clearly hurt the hell out this season’s momentum. He looks like he’s nuts.

9:05 It’s away! Artoo’s in the air, Hotness is trying to reposition the satellietes, MMM makes his move! Chloe catches MMM macking on Hotness, and now the jig is up! Hotness is a felon, but Chloe’s not going to report them. Chloe: team player. Yawn. More pointless CTU drama. GO FIND THE GODDAMN DRONE.

9::08 The drone is gone! Tech Terrorist is linked with the CTU satellites. He made the drone disappear. It was a really great idea to give Fayed access to the satellite grid back when the Day began, huh? 2.0 sucks as a president.

9:09 Meanwhile, in DC, up is down, left is right, and VP Palpatine is going to nuke Nameless Unaffiliated Mideast Country (NUMC), Yanosh is the flippin’ voice of reason, and Lisa is still hot. Like, hot hot. She’s now “Hot Lisa”. And it’s superdramatic commercial break time. As cool as the “Under Pressure” Gatorade commercial is, I wonder, what are the Pens up to?

9:12 Dammit. 1-0 Rangers., 13 minutes left. I hate you, Marc.

9:13 American Idol sucks this year. Blake Lewis has won me over, though. And we’re back! Being that LA survived the commercial break, it’s not a target. Current potential target candidates include SF (4:1), Phoenix (3:1) and Vegas (1:2). Think about it-- if you're a Muslim extremist, why not hit Vegas? It's filled with sinful tourist Americans from all over the country. With one hit, you effect as many sinful Christians from as many different parts of the country as possible. That's how you spread terror. (Note: I umm..don't support terrorism. And i don't think gambling's a sin. I'm just saying that's where I think Fayed would want to take out).

9:15 Jack’s chillin with Aunt Hottie, she’s going to tell him about Audrey (according to the preview). “I always regretted things didn’t work out between us” And..DENIED! Jack balks—he will not kiss you, Aunt Hottie, not because he killed your husband, his brother, but BECAUSE HE LOVES AUDREY. (damn straight!)

9:16 My heart stops with “you don’t know, do you”

9:17 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Died in China while trying to save Jack.

This concludes our live blog.

...

..

.

9:22 Okay, I just ignored all of that DC “let’s nuke the bastards” stuff, and pulled myself together. For you. For all of you. Thank me later.

::sniff::

oh, yeah, Karen Hayes is back now. She’s still old lady cute. But whatever. Oh- Keifer acted his ass off when he learned about Audrey. Phenomenal.

9:26 Haha! Thank you for levity, writers. Chloe kissed Morris to “check his breath” for Milo, then straight up informed him that she was “just checking your breath” afterwards. Classic moment. Really cute. I miss Audrey.

9:28 Yanosh and Karen exchanged pleasantries four minutes ago. Now they are bitching at each other. Yanosh, “You’d better pray that CTU can find and stop that drone” Good grief, can we please focus on the ATTEMPT TO STOP THE DRONE. Thanks.

9:29. “We have a leak”. Whoever had “Hour 14” in the Mole Pool wins. You can collect at the front door. You can still get in on the ground floor for the Mole’s Identity Pool, candidates include: Hotness, MMM, SilverJack, Morris. SilverJack’s goin’ straight after Hotness, MMM kindly disagrees. Ricky gets the burn of the year with, “Is this assessment based on some private knowledge, or is it because you’re itchin’ to sleep with her.” SilverJack RULES. Chloe spends 7 seconds on the computer and realizes that Hotness is, in fact, the alleged mole. SilverJack goes all Bauer on her, but Bill makes him relent. Hotness pleads her innocence as she’s carted off and MMM watches. Obviously, Milo gave Nadia access to his computer to frame her. Never trust someone with a goatee.

9:34 Claire Daines has some dancin’ legs. Girl is jacked in a hot way. Trust me, Claires with dancer legs are fantastic.

9:37 Karen visits the still-in-a-coma Palmeresque 2: This Time It's More Palmeresque. She wants him to be awoken, but only his siter, Sherri 2.0, can provide clearance to risk his life like that. Clearly, she will, because she’s a hippie and she’ll want to avoid the nuclear retaliation against NUMC.

9:40 Ricky’s interrogating Nadia, BY GRABBING HER THROAT. He’s absolutely. hard. core. But in a farm more prickish way than Jack. Now, MMM’s to the rescue. Oh, yeah, Morris back-traced the signal and the Tech Terrorist is three blocks away. Also, I think Nadia and MMM just broke up, because his silence admitted that he doesn't believe in her innocence.

Needs anger management, hug.

9:41 A taped up Jack reads The Love of My Life's File. There are pictures of a (partially covered) body. I still refuse to believe any of this. She is not dead. No. Frakking. Way.

seriously? no way is she gone. no way.

9:42 Jack’s body is a MESS. Just cuts and gore everywhere. I like how they wrapped him up in bandages so that they didn't have to blow the whole budget on body makeup. Good thing he’s suited up and ready to kick some ass now. He’s headed out with SilverJack and the rest of the team.

9:44 YES! Jack’s reason to live: Vengeance. I’m paraphrasing here, but I’m pretty sure he just told Bill, “Audrey died trying to get me out of prison, because she thought I was worth it. I’m not letting her down. I’m finishing this. And when I’m done, tell the Chinese that I’m comin’…AND HELL’S COMIN’ WITH ME!!!!”

'Nuff said!

9:45 dammit. Pens lose 2-1. We blow a chance to catch Jersey. There’s still time though.

9:50 They made hotness not hot real quick. Oh- I almost forgot, the target’s San Francisco. This is all an elaborate plot to keep Barry Bonds from breaking Hank Aaron’s record. Think about it, he’s the only person universally loathed enough to bring terrorists and Russian nationals together in harmony.

Really... i'm kinda with the terrorists on this one.

9:52 Jack leads the Tact Team in. Umm, SilverJack—just watch your throat. Let’s play the Jack Bauer Vengeance Body Counting Game: ONE! Dead terrorist ahaha. Two! Two-a dead-a-terorists ahaha! Three! Three-ah-dead-aterrorists, ahaha! (Techie was the last to go).

Jack had all three kills. The first two were, in a word: surgical. I think we can officially consider him FINALLY BACK.

9:54 There’s no way to disarm the bomb! The bomb automatically detonates in 30 seconds! Jack can’t turn the drone too quickly! The graphics look like flight simulator 1995! Jack’s the greatest video game pilot in the world! The drone’s needs 500 feet of runway to land and….SHE’S DOWN! She’s crashing! She'’…………………………on fire! She’s………..not blowing up!!!!! We win! Bite me, Gredenko/Fayed! Score one for democracy!

Uram and I discussed this later, and it's clear that Jack Bauer is the Greatest Video Game Player in the History of the World. In fact, it's not well known, but the Fred Savage classic The Wizard was based on his life. Other Jack Bauer video game facts include:

• He beat Contra without using the code. Without dying.
• He beat Mario 3 without using any warp whistles. In 20 minutes.
• He plays MarioKart blindfolded, and has never lost a race.
• He is the only person in the history of ever to successfully shoot the Duck Hunt dog.
  

9:56 Recount: Techie’s still alive. Jack gets to do some interrogating. Uh oh…as the first responders arrive on the crash site, is anyone else waiting for this nuke to go off? Oooh..maybe it's worse. There's radiation leaking everywhere.

9:59 Tension is freakin’ high. I'm still waiting for Artoo to detonate. Crap, we’ve got a “dirty bomb” radiation leak and Palpatine’s looking for any excuse to strike. Civilian deaths and environmental damage will be “untold” even Yanosh no longer agrees with a warning shot. Palpatine’s ordering it anyway. We’re an hour away from a counterstrike.

10:00 "The order isgiven. Launch the missiles as soon as [the subs] are in range."

Now that’s an hour! Great, great stuff there! If Audrey were alive (GUARANTEED THAT SHE IS) and the Pens hadn’t lost, I’d be mega-psyched right now.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed the live blog. I’ll admit, it was kind of fun to type it up while watching. Perhaps I should invest in a laptop….

See yinz next week.

-apk

24 TADS (6:00 PM -- 7:00PM)

Note: I orginally wrote this on 3/15. I was totally going to finish it, too..but..well, you'll see. Bon appetite.

Well, Los Penguinos make me extremely happy. In light of the excitement generated by a 3-0 shutout of the hated Devils, in New Jersey, by our backup goaltender, where Jarkko Ruutu had two points, I have decided to forego Casino Royale in lieu of writing for all of you. In the words of Xerxes, “I am kind”.

On with the show! Err…24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while visions of green beers jigged in my head.

1. Location, Location, Location. We’re LIVE from my bedroom, which means there are no Tomatoes to crack jokes with, and I’m experiencing the Jack Bauer Power Hour in all the glory of a 19” RCA that I bought off the floor in Wal*Mart back in 2001. Meanwhile, my roommate’s watching whatever certified crap is playing on MTV right now, downstairs, on my 62” HDTV. In other words, prepare for a pissy review.

Bite me, The Hills.

2. I want ANSWERS!!! During the recap, I’m left to ponder, again, the eternal question: “Why didn’t Jack just leave the Consulate through the window?” I think the correct answer is a toss-up between “bulletproof glass protects from snipers” and “dramatic reasons”. Eh.

3. Great Line #15. Chloe to Chuck, “Sorry, I’m feeling ambivalent, I’m gonna go.” Generally, the whole “Chuck goes to CTU” scene was pretty cool, and it was augmented nicely by more cool chimey music. The music this season’s been stellar, by the way.

4. SilverJack. Holy crap, does Ricky Schroeder look old. Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Mike Doyle” BlackJack’s replacement and new Resident CTU Hardass. For the moment, I’m going to ignore the rumors that the Rickster’s being groomed to become Keifer’s torchbearer, and instead read from Mr. Doyle’s CTU Personnel file:

Doyle, raised by a single father who was an owner of a multinational toy company empire, grew up in a mansion stocked with arcade video games, a scale model freight train that ran throughout the house, and countless other amenities. Raised in the lap of luxury, his world fell apart after scandal rocked his father, an overgrown manchild himself, and his second wife, the luscious Erin Gray. After a 60 Minutes expose revealed that Eddie Toys were built in sweatshops throughout Indonesia, Gray filed for divorce and successfully took the vast majority of Doyle’s father’s assets. Shortly thereafter, Doyle became a hardcore freebase heroin addict. That is, until a run in with Columbian drug runners resulted in the paralysis of his long time friend Derek Taylor (Jason Bateman) and the death of his best friend, Alfonso Spears (Alfonso Ribeiro). Following this tragic incident, Doyle’s life worsened before it became better, as noted porn magnate Freddy Lippencottleman helped Doyle “greive” through a life of utter debauchery. It wasn’t until Doyle reconnected with his father that he cleaned up his life and joined the New York City Police Department. After three years of wearing the NYPD Blues, Doyle joined CTU and has become one of its rising stars. His record is noted for multiple citations of merit. However, his love of trains, Buck Rodgers reruns, and silver spoons shows a disconcerting inability to relinquish his sketchy past. As such, he is known to experience sudden outbursts of violence, especially against British people that remind him of his grandfather.

Morris had better watch out.

Happier times.

5. INVASION! Holy Crap! Bill Buchanan’s gonna do it! We’re goin in after CCCP! Getting Jack back is secondary, but whatever—they’re gonna invade Russia!

6. Working for CTU is like going to Dickinson College. Everybody knows everyone, if you get my drift. I mean, really, was it entirely necessary to make Doyle and MMM long-time rivals? The only thing this season needs less than Sherri Palmer 2.0 is more frakkin’ CTU in-fighting. What’s next? A mole in CTU? (Edit: according to next week’s preview: Yup. …groan/yawn).

7. The Great Escape: Part Deux. Woah! Jack just used Aaronslav Pierkofsky’s BELT to snapmare the douchey Ruskie guard, steal his gun, and then AVENGE Aaronslav’s death. That was nearly as cool as when Jack ATE THE TERRORIST’S WINDPIPE. Remember? Way back in Hour 1 or 2, when Day Six was tremendous?

8. Can you hear me now? No? Crap. Well Jack got through to CTU just long enough to inform Morris that he knows where the nukes are. Though he ran out of anytime minutes before explaining the entire plan, Jack has been upgraded to Number 1 Priority. I like that little piece of writing, there, actually.

9. America’s Greatest Weapon: A Whacked Out Designing Woman. Follow the logic: Chuck needs to talk to Marty so she can talk to Mrs. Zubarov so she can tell Mr. Zubarov to let CTU invade Russian Soil because the deposed criminal mastermind Ex-POTUS, who tried to have the Zubarov’s killed during Day Five, says that CCCP is the one who’s responsible for the nukes in America. Got that? Great plan. I’m sure Zubarov will bite like nothing. Y’know—gotta trust Crazy Marty Logan. I’m actively pulling my hair out right now.

10. Is Mike Doyle gonna have to choke a bitch? That was refreshing. I’m with SilverJack, now. He just put all of CTU in its place. I don’t even care that he had to choke Morris to do it. Maybe now we can put to bed all of the incessant CTU in-fighting/whining plotlines, and get to some terrorbustin. I mean, really—A NUKE JUST WENT OFF IN AMERICA, I feel like everyone would be acting a little more seriously at this juncture. Especially Morris, who’s apparently not consumed with guilt enough to stop being a prick to everyone. Glad this all done. What? Milo’s starting crap with Doyle…for the second time in 20 minutes? Really. Sigh.

11. On second thought. MIKE DOYLE IS RICKY SCHROEDER!!! I can’t take him seriously as a badass. Why couldn’t they have picked someone more hard? Y’know, like one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman). I could be making Lost Boys jokes right now! Speaking of which, an imdb search just revealed the Billy Wirth was “Dwayne the Human Slayer” in Lost Boys. I associate the name Billy Wirth with one thing only—The Greatest American Gladiators Contender of All Time. HERE he 1) starts a fight with mega-tool Gemini; 2) makes a sweet-ass diving score as time expires; and 3) makes millions of little white kids want to wear a doo-rag. A True Champion, if there ever was one.

What was I talking about, again? Oh, yeah- Ricky Schroeder’s got a long way to go to convince me that he can be a supreme Bauer-level badass.

12. Intermission. As we take a powder with the DC storyline, let’s recap the awesome setup we’ve got going here, if only so that I can bitch more later when there’s no payoff. 1) Jack’s on the run inside the consulate with only a gun and his wits. He doesn’t care if he lives, he just needs to make a phone call first. 2) Chuck has to convince Crazy Marty to convince the Russians to allow: 3) ALL OUT ASSAULT ON THE CONSULATE. This, my friends, is gonna get good.

13. Err...not. Screw it. This hour sucked. There should have been half an hour of Jack jumping Russian guardsmen like Batman and working his way out of the Consulate. Instead, he hid. And we spent a half hour reuniting Crazyass Marty and her live in paramour, the Awesome Aaron Pierce with Chuck. Unfortunately, Aaron has been totally emasculated by Crazyass Marty, who's SO CRAZY that she flipped her $#!+ and stabbed Chuck in the ...umm..rotator cuff. But, apparently, she almost totally nailed his artery. So the hour ends with Chuck flatlining on the way to the hospital. Does he die, tune in next week! Important things only happen as hours end!

What about Jack, you ask? Oh...well, he hacked and slashed his way out of the Consulate in true Leonidas/Bauertastic Style. Wha? No. he, umm, hid. AND WAITED FOR RICKY SCHROEDER TO SAVE HIM (after, of course, Crazyass Marty settled down and MADE THAT PHONE CALL). By the way, she convinced the Russian First Lady to convince the Russian President that CCCP was EVIL and that CTU should be allowed to invade Russian territory and kill Russian citizens in oh...about 2 minutes.

After all of this, Bearded Bad and Bald Bad launched a drone, anyway.

Bravo.

what a piece of crap super-boring hour.

I'm going to watch Casino Royale and bask in the glory of Daniel Craig and the pure and utter absolute beauty of Eva Green-- the only woman that could steal me away from Audrey.

You're on notice 24. Get cool again, toot suite!


-apk

Random Thing-- 24 March Madness

THIS is much cooler than anything I could've written about the abject boringness that was this week's hour.  Nevertheless, I'll have 24-Things for you soon, right after I finish celebrating the PGH Arena Deal, filling out my Mascot Bracket, watching the Pens v. the Devils, going to see 300...again, and working through both discs of my brand-spanking-new Casino Royale set. 

I heart Eva Green.


Like, a lot.

anyway, go check out that link, then come back sometime around Thursday....maybe Friday. I forgot that it's Comic Book Day.

-apk
(this post is an excellent summation of all things that I dig. plus baseball)

24 TADS: (5:00PM -- 6:00PM)

No slick lead in, there’s catching up to do! Without any ado, I give you 24 Things I Think I Thought About Day Six while mourning the loss of Captain America.

Good night, sweet prince.

1. I hate NBC. First they cancel “Studio 60”. Then they subject me to “Deal or No Deal,” where I just wasted 20 minutes of my life watching a woman who “has porch furniture in her living room” greedily pass up a $125,000 payday…only to be rewarded with $405,000. I hate this country. Cap’s probably glad he’s dead. Oh, and then NBC puts “Heroes,” a television show made specifically for my enjoyment, up against 24, and to make matters worse, taunts me with the promise of a Spider-Man 3 sneak preview sometime between 9 and 10 PM. Well screw you, NBC. The tomatoes have DVR. Baha.

2. I wish someone would’ve warned me that this would be my pop culture week of doom. Yesterday, we lost Kara “Starbuck” Thrace on Battlestar Galactica (and if you’re not watching that show, shame on you for six weeks! Also…umm…spoiler), tonight, we’re either going to lose Assad (one half of the MegaPowers) or Palmeresque 2: This time it’s more Palmeresque (no big loss), and on Wednesday, my favorite character of all time, Captain America, is going to get punked by a sniper’s bullet. This week sucks, and Han Solo, Huey Lewis, and Keith of Voltron Force best all look both ways before crossing the street. In fact, I’d recommend that they just stay indoors until Sunday.

3. The Secret Service has no creativity. Citadel? Really? What a weak presidential code name. I think 2.0’s code name should be “New Coke,” "The University of Phoenix", or (of course) “Eli Manning”. I’ll put it up to a vote. That, or feel free to share your own suggestions.

4. If ya smellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllalalalalala…. To sum up Jack’s pre-limo conference with Logan: Know your role and SHUT your mouth!

5. Jack Bauer: Secret Service Agent. It’s official, Aaron Pierce has just been eclipsed as the Greatest Secret Service Agent of All Time. As a sidenote: Natty likes Jack in the suit, but she’s really torn up by the fact that Jack’s not wearing his tight grey shirt anymore.

I don't know if Natty can make it in a nippleless world.

6. Great Line #14. While trying to appeal to Jack’s spiritual side by relating his house arrest to Jack’s Chinese incarceration, Logan feeds our intrepid hero this scintillating observation, “in that silence [solitary] you can hear the voice of your deepest self.” Profound, really. But I’ve got dollars to donuts that says the voice of Jack’s deepest self is saying “Kill Charles Logan”. That’s just me, though—and I can’t help but equate Spiritual Logan to Arrested Development’s “Spiritual George Sr.”.

7. DAMMIT! Assad, aka Baltar = DEAD. Honestly, this bothers me more than the loss of Tony. At least he died to save the President. Even in his death, he one-upped Jack. All Jack ever did was survive while saving the President, he’s not cool enough to make the ultimate sacrifice (::crosses fingers, spits three times::)

I also considered using pictures of Baltar and the Macho Man, but those options were too geeky.

8. HA! GOT IT! The identity of the Secretary of Defense, one of those quintessential “I’ve seen that guy somewhere a billion times before guys,” has been escaping me for two days. Or, right up until I started to type this. It was driving me nuts, on the tip of my brain, y’know. Now it hits me—he was the Police Chief in the Sly Stallone Classic (not sarcasm) Demolition Man! Hopefully he can come up with a better plan than (to paraphrase) “We can just wait for another [suitcase nuke] to go [off]. And when [Fayed] performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce!” Full disclosure: I Googled for a quote.

9. Dum-dum-dum-dum-da-dum, dum-da-dum. Anyone else hear the Imperial March as Vice-President Palpatine assumed power and entered the bunker? Anyone? Jerry, Natty, put your hands down, you don’t count—I was whistling it.

10. 10-20 on Yanosh? Well, I’d like a 10-82 with Hotness, I wonder if Morris is still 10-41, I wish Chaz would go 10-169, and this episode needs WAY more 10-32s. Wikipedia is a wonderful thing.

11. Brokeback White House. Chaz to assassin: “We cannot kill Yanosh!” Assassin to Chaz: “Why not?!?” Chaz: “Because I love him.” Okay, maybe it didn’t go that way, but it sure felt like it was going to.

12. PSYCHE!!!! YES! Go Yanosh! Well, folks, that there is YOUR Diamond Cutter Moment. I can’t believe that Yanosh totally punk’d Chaz like that, and had them all (himself included) arrested/detained for the attempt on Palmeresque’s life. Well. Frakkin’. Played. I knew there was a reason I supported that little weasel during the first six hours. Waitasecond…. did the political storyline just get me to cheer? Dammit. We need more guns, pronto!

13. “What do you think I’m going to do, Jack? Request asylum? If it’s any consolation, I don’t think they’d take me”. My former roommate, Kup, said it best, “I did not realize how much I missed having Charles Logan in my life.” True that. What a great, funny-ass line.

14. Okay, interlock the ring fingers, squeeze four times, then gimme paw…I’m pretty sure that Logan just gave the Russian Consul the Official Day Five Co-Conspirator Secret Handshake. If only Opie was still alive to confirm.

God bless you, Google Images.

15. A proud alumnus of the Ed Rendelphia School of Negotiating Tactics. Logan’s on fire. To sum up his “tactful plea” to Commie Conspirator Consul Person (“CCCP” i am so clever!): “I can send the tapes of you sending Sentox nerve gas to me to President “Don’t Call Me Sergei” Zubov—who will straight gulag-kill-you-Cold-War-Mother-Russia-Ivan-Drago-Lenin-Style for your insolence!” Predictably, CCCP counters with “Nyet Dice”, Logan comes up empty, and the Penguins move to Kansas City.

16. Logan Wan Kenobi? Beard?: check. Intense Spirituality?: check. Profound wisdom and soft-spoken advice given to an adventurous war hero with a penchant for experiencing fits of extreme anger?: check. Give the man a lightsabre and send him to the desert! If Logan dies this year, I wonder if he’ll come back as an iridescent blue ghost?

17. Everyone needs a gimmick, I suppose. Jack breaks into another Consulate, because having one Communist Superpower pissed at you just isn’t enough. Overachiever.

18. It took five-point-five years, but we’re learning. CTUers have just stopped second-guessing Jack. Finally. Though it makes them pretty irrelevant now. I love that Chloe answered her cell phone and agreed to cut the power to the Russian Consulate before Jack could even finish asking her to.

19. Obviously, she was flying JetBlue. A cheap, easy joke, I know. Again, 24 of these things ain’t easy. Anyway, apparently Karen Hayes has been chillin’ at Ronald Reagan since we last saw her. Upon hearing the news of the assassination attempt, she decides to pull herself up by her bootstraps, belay that whole “resignation, schmesignation,” and head back to the White House! The way she travels, she should be back with the Cabinet by the middle of Day Eight.

Ps: the music here was awesome.

20. The East Coast Groove. Lisa, VP Palpatine’s assistant, is one attractive apkGirl. Very blonde, very pale, very W.A.S.P.-y, very wearing a suit. She reminds me of Elsa from Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade, though I seriously doubt it’s her. That being said….yowza.

21. Interesting Predicament. Though it’s incumbent of me to remind you that when the coolest stuff in an episode is found in the political subplot, it probably means that you’ve got a weak episode on your hands, the stuff between Palpatine and Yanosh was pretty great. In essence, Yanosh’s plan (which he still believes is the only way to stop the attacks) can only be implemented at the expense of his own integrity. He has to cover up the stuff about the assassination attempt and keep Chaz from justice so that he can save lives. This is really clever writing, and a great twist. However, I’d really prefer a few more freakin’ explosions, thanks.

22. Bill? Sup? Nothin. Sup with you? …umm..well. Jack reports back to CTU that he “may have a situation,” being that he broke into the Consulate, took CCCP prisoner, tripped the alarm, and is now stuck. Bill Buchanan, the Greatest Boss on Earth, takes this all completely in stride. The best part of it all, though, is that Jack Bauer Just. Doesn’t. Care. About. Anything. Anymore. He’s getting his answers, or your fingers. He doesn’t care—he just wants to save lives.

On the other hand, he’s so stupid that he tries to escape out of the hallway door, instead of that big window.

23. Snip! Gross.

…err… .awesome. I’m a manly-man!

ewwwwww, they showed the stump.

24. FINALLY off the schnide. Jack Bauer, now 1-4 in interrogations this season. Perhaps he only has interrogation mojo in an Assad-less world? Anyway, CCCP cracked and Jack now knows that Bearded Bad is going to tie suitcase nukes to Predator drones and fly ‘em into their targets. Wheels are up in 2 hours.

In honor of the Penguins, we head to OVERTIME:

Bullet points of DOOM:

- Who wants to bet that Jack’s captured for slightly under 2 hours?

- Holy crap, how easy was it for Jack to flip that Russian guard? That guy was so full of integrity that I instantly started to refer to him as Aaronslov Pierkofsky. Pity he’s already dead.

- Bill Buchanan has just shifted into TC McQueen mode with this sentence, “I need the option to take the Consulate by force”. The man for the job? Ricky Schroeder, who joins the cast next week!

- Remind me to tell you about the 24 telephone number next time. This week’s number? 310-597-3781. I tried to call it, but only got a Spanish message.

- We’ve reached the tipping point! Habeas Corpus has basically been suspended by Palpatine, Jack is the only good guy with knowledge of Bearded Bald’s plan—but Jack’s in Russian custody, CTU’s getting ready to invade sovereign Russian territory (and we all know where shenanigans like that got Thumper and Cobra in Iron Eagle II), and Palmeresque is still unconscious. Things are heating up on the Relatively Nonstop but Kinda Slow at Times Season of 24! ON FOX!

-Player of the Game is Chuckles Logan. Awesome in so many ways.

-Stats have been discontinued. Sorry.

Be good teach other, I’ll catch up with the last two hours, soon. Hopefully.

-apk

FUNNY THING: Eli Manning is Palmeresque

Since I've not updated in ages, and since I hate Eli Manning, and since I'm mourning the death of Captain America, I bring you THIS (which I found on Deadspin.com). So long as you're not a Giants fan, you should find this amusing.

As for updates, I hope to get to THIS WEEK'S HOUR soon, then fill in the rest as time goes by. Life is, in a word, "hectic" right now. Don't think I don't miss all four of you that read this stuff. 

...I wonder if Jack would like to take over as Captain America.

-apk

RANDOM THING: Logan Returns

Hot off of his actually nearly-hysterical Oscar moment, Vice-President (and apparently the new Greatest Person in the History of this Ever-Warming World) Al Gore (bearded variant) has been selected as 24TADS's Official Charles Logan Icon. He won't admit it, but I'm certain that this means more to him than the Oscar.


It's sad when I can't even wait for me to post so I can use these ideas, isn't it? Last week's update will be here soon, just keep wishin/hopin/believing/flapping your wings like the kid from Angels in the Outfield.

-apk

really, that bit where the music interrupted his announcement was pretty great.

24 TADS: (2:00 PM -- 3:00 PM)

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This post has been re-revised, because finishing it at 1:00AM was a bad idea. Some of the jokes might actually work now.)

Seriously? These posts are the only thing I hate about 2 HOUR 24 EVENTS on FOX! Writing 48 things is easy. Typing them up—not so much. Enough bellyaching, though, it’s time that I get back at it and hook you up with 24 Things I Thought I Thought About Day Six while watching Mike Rowe paddle around in a manmade pond of liquid cow manure extract on what may be the best reality/docu show in the history of TV, Discovery’s Dirty Jobs. If you’ve not watched this show, you should start. Also, I hate the Tampa Bay Lightning.

1. “Nice Jacket.” We’re right back at it for the second hour of Day Six’s SECOND 2 HOUR 24 EVENT. LIVE! from the International Tomato HQ, where the King Tomato has just informed me that Bearded Bad, Evil Russian Patriot Vladimir Gredenko, was the bum that Christian Bale gave his jacket to in Batman Begins. I was going to check on IMDB, but it appears that the network in my apartment is on the fritz. Sadly, there will be a lack of pretty pictures to this update, too. Edit: I’m back online, baby! IMDB confirms it. Man, that Jerry’s smart (obviously, he looked it up in order to make the blog) Additionally, did you realize that Bearded Bad has also appeared as the Scientist Guy that created Chimera/Bellerophon in MI:2? Sprout also reports that he’s previously played the part of “Sinister Russian” in the Val Kilmer classic, The Saint. Knowledge is power, people. The more you know… (Cue shooting star, peacock).

2. Riiiiiight…. Okay, the CTUniverse Clock is showing 2:04, and in the approximately six minutes since Jack saved LA from suitcase nuke #2, CTU has hacked, decrypted, and analyzed all of the information in the computer that Bald Bad left behind during his mad-dash escape from the hideout. This is the same CTU, mind you, that couldn’t track an $80,000 Maserati through the LA suburbs even though they had six dozen cameras and a helicopter on it.. Sure, sure.

3. Now, C’MON!! See previous Thing. AND NOW MORRIS IS AT CTU?? (and he's feeling particularly angsty about wussing out and giving Bald Bad a Fully Armed and Operational Battlestation). How did he get to CTU so quickly? What did he do? Teleport? Dear Creators of 24, This Show is in Real Time. It’s kind of your gimmick. Remember?

::telephone rings::

Hello? Hey, everybody! It’s Joel Surnow and Keifer Sutherland, two of the producers of 24! What’s that guys? Oh, you don’t care about making the gimmick legitimate anymore, because 17 million people watch the show every week, and in your opinion, sticking hard to the gimmick only constrains the flow of drama-- a lesson you learned during some of the major downtime during Day One? Also, the general public is okay with some leaps in faith, so long as things keep moving, and it’s only nerds like me that spend our free time writing and maintaining blogs about a TV show that nitpick crap like "sticking within the constraints of the gimmick" to death? Oh, and you’re rich?

Touché.

Okay, I give up.

4. Jack returns to CTU. This is a cool little moment where Jack returns to CTU for the first time since being abducted by the Chinese, and every pencil pusher there takes notice. You'd think they'd have a bronzed statue of his likeness there by now, huh? I can't help but wonder what he's thinking as he returns to the place where (deep breath) hiswifewasmurderedbythewomanhewascheatingonherwith,

hehelpedminutemenblowupwhilehisonlydaughterwasinside,
hewasforcedtoshoothisbosswithaknockoutdart,
heshotaterroristintheleg,hecutapedaphile'sheadoffwitha
hacksaw,heinterrogatedthewomanthatkilledhiswife,hefaked
hisdeath,hisbestfriend,whohadbeenkilledbyhisownmentor,
diedinhisarms,hechosethelifeofaChineseconspiratoroverthatof
theex-husbandoftheloveofhislife(whohadrecentlysavedhislife),
andhewatchedeveryonediefromexposuretoasuper-toxicnervegas.

(exhales). I bet he's thinking, "Man, it's great to be home."

5. If I were planning on setting of a bunch of nukes in LA, I’d totally hang out there. Okay, the evidence on the aforementioned hard drive has given us a lead re: the whereabouts of Bearded Bad. Apparently, he’s somewhere “in the Pacific Time Zone.” Instantly, everyone in CTU comes to the conclusion that, clearly, Bearded Bad must be in LA. How I can’t get a Federal Job is beyond me.

Well, he couldn't possibly be anywhere else.

6. The most dysfunctional family ever. Not only did Jerkass kill Opie, he’s convinced Jack that Jack was at fault, and he is laying on the guilt trip extra thick. However, Jack’s not having any of it, because he’s a heartless superhero that only stops to worry about Kim and Audrey. Now, in a truly Greek tragedy style scene that features a tête-à-tête between Jack and Phil against the backdrop of a morgue freshly stocked with Opie’s dead body, Jack’s grilling his dad about Bearded Bad and proving that he is totally incapable of reading his family. Still, even though Jack tanked another interrogation here (he’s now 0-3 on the day), he gets style points for not really falling for the guilt trip. As the great (snicker) Stu Scott would say, Jack is as “cool as the other side of the pillow”. (Welcome to 1998, everybody! Please collect your N*SYNC CD, Furby, and GigaPET, and change into your adidas windsuit. Enjoy your stay!)

7. Jerkass: On a mission. Sweet! Phil’s going after Bearded Bad. It’s like Phil’s with Jack, but absolutely against him, too. I am digging this plot. By extension, I’m much happier than I was 5 Things ago, when I got a little pissy. I apologize. (Also, Morris = Still Angsty, and Chloe's the only person that can get through to him. How cute.)

8. Revenge is a dish best served cold. “I lost control,” says Jack to Bill, “I tried to tell you that I didn’t think I could do this anymore.” The greatest American since FDR admits that when Opie admitted to giving the order to kill Palmer, Tony, & Doe-Eyes, he “wanted [his] brother dead.” Jack Bauer is pure diesel. Airwolf, even.

9. Bill Buchanan: Best. Boss. Ever. Bill’s offer to cover up Opie’s death establishes, with finality, that he is the greatest director in CTU history. I will not argue this. I mean, even though a previous cover-up was just used to make his wife resign from a cabinet-level post, Bill doesn’t care what rules he has to break to protect Jack. Between this and the way that he shook off BlackJack’s death, it’s clear that Bill is the only person in the American government that realizes the value of one Jack H. Bauer, Toughnuts, Esq. In other news, Jack doesn’t care enough about anything anymore to bother with a cover up. That decision won’t come back to haunt you. Dammit.

10. The Phantom Menace. Cool, VP Palpatine and Palmer v. 2.0 are going at it again. I love the “use Assad” endgame. When these two are going at it, the political stuff’s actually interesting. I hope we get more.

11. So be it…Jedi. VP Palpatine with the line of the night to Palmer v. 2.0. “There is a thin line between conviction and stubbornness. You can stand firm, but you are standing alone.”

12. A personal (read: non-24 moment): I Heart Paul M. Natty Tomato just informed me that it is her dad’s birthday. He is the most awesomest Englishman I’ve ever met, and we had way too much fun together at the bachelor party and wedding this past summer. The man is money in the bank, and I raise my glass to him here. Salut!

If you know why this picture is awesome, you are one of my closet friends.

13. Clear & Present Danger. Chaz just told Yanosh that he’s on a need-to-know basis, and that he doesn’t need to know the extent of the assassination plans as he extols the virtues of “plausible deniability.” You see, Yanosh, it’s “The ole Potomic twostep.”

“Sorry Mr. President, I don’t dance. err..umm…Well, Chaz. For you… anyyfing.”

14. ??????? Whatever it was that Jack just said to Aunt Hottie was missed by us all. If I’ve learned anything from Day Six, it’s these two things: 1) Never let a woman drive your Maserati, 2) Never let a woman drive your remote control. Nice job, Nat.

15. “You are a gruesome bastard-retaliant…” Aunt Hottie, doing her best Nicholson-as- Joker impression tells Jack that she doesn’t blame him for Opie’s death. In fact, she blames Opie, and she’s glad that he’s dead. That’s. Just. Cold. I wonder if she’ll be able to make it to the funeral? Perhaps she's having her nails done that day. Y'kno, to impress Jack.

16. Prediction: Milo’s DOA. MMM just got a big promotion to the Tact Team. Obviously, this is not going to end well. Now that he’s out in the field, should I change his name to CyberJack, or should he remain MMM?

17. Things Must Be Picking Up. My notes are falling to pieces, which is a clear sign that things are getting exciting and my note-taking has become haphazard. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

18. Our other lead: check Russia. Just to get back on track, this is the plan: Jack, MMM, Aunt Hottie and a Tact Team are going to drive around a part of LA that Aunt Hottie once followed Opie to. Aunt Hottie’s going to retrace her steps, and pick out the random house that she heard Russian voices in. This plan assumes that: 1) Aunt Hottie can find the place, 2) that the Russians terrorists have been using the same safe house for the last six months, 3) that just because Gredenko’s cell phone was used in the Pacific Time Zone, he’s in LA, and 4) that Gredenko didn’t skip town the moment a nuke went off where it wasn’t supposed to.

Y'know, now that I’ve written it all out, I’m at a loss for words. This may be the worst battle plan since Pickett said, “Hey, guys, I’ve got an idea! Let’s form a big, straight line, and march across an open field while the Union soldiers unload their cannons on us, whaddya think?”

19. I can’t believe he didn’t laugh at her. So Phil, scared that Jack’s gotten a lead from Aunt Hottie, slyly gets her to spill the beans on the plan. Take a second, and please re-read the plan above. Okay, Phil is so scared by this ingenius plan that he immediately leaps into action, kidnaps one of his only two grandchildren, and makes a break for it. He then calls up Aunt Hottie and interrupts the tender moment she was trying to have with Jack. Speaking of which…

20. REJECTED! Opie’s body is not even cold and Aunt Hottie keeps making doe-eyes at Jack (and they are gorgeous), reminding him that she’s totally over Opie’s death, and telling him how sorry she is for everything that’s happened to him. Meanwhile, Jack’s all (in full-on gravelly voice) “Marilyn, I know you’ve been through a lot today, but you’re starting to annoy the piss out of me. Now pick out the house and shut the hell up.” Who’s dumber here? Jack for passing up a shot at Aunt Hottie, or Aunt Hottie for wanting to shack up with Jack “everyone I love dies” Bauer?

21. DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT! It’s probably the least surprising Diamond Cutter Moment of all time, but it was still kind of shocking to hear Phil threaten Kim (aka Jack Jr.)’s life. What a jerkass.

22. MASTER PLAN UNVEILED. Bearded Bad has his Bond Villain Moment (TM) when he explains to the Terrorist Techie that Looks Surprisingly More Like Ex-Fuel Frontman Brett Scallions than MMM does. And that’s saying something. (Tangent: I miss Fuel). Anyway, I’ll sum up in my best Cmdr. Chekov accent, “Ve vill retroactiflee vin de Cold War by using dese vepons (the suitcase nukes) dat Mother Russia vas too scaredee to use bevore. Ve vill fix that mistake, and Arabs vill take dee blame.” On a ten point evil plan scale, I put this one at a solid 6. That is, slightly ahead of Lex Luthor’s plan to create a continent of craggy, worthless Krytonite land and sell it to the highest bidder (Superman Returns), yet definitely behind Dr. Evil’s Preparation H (which, of course, was good, on the whole).

That being said, what the hell does using nukes on LA and having America blame the Arabs accomplish? You'd think that Bearded Bad would want some credit for all of his troubles? Does the fact that all he's looking for is a high American body count make him an incredibly dangerous/scary villain, or a just a senselessly mustache-twirling Snidely Whiplash type? I can't decide.

23. He learned the game from his Uncle Jack, now he’s afffffffffffffter the name…Jack Bauuuer, Jack Bauer, Jr! Kim to Phil, “I know that you’re lying to me.” Damn skippy, Kim! Even though I titled this post after lyrics from the James Bond, Jr. cartoon show, I don’t know that Kim deserves to be lumped in with his uncle, Jack. Frankly, Junior's shown an uncanny knack of calling Phil’s shenanigans when no one else in the family can. Perhaps he’s adopted.

Honestly, after watching this YouTube clip, I need a DVD of James Bond, Jr. episodes. Look out he’s comin’ through—he’s got a job to do, while he rescues the girl! Jammmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees Bonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd!

24. ON THE RUN!! Forget that Harry Temple died the exact same way as Jack’s entire Tact Team, I’d just like to point out that I find it to be incredibly fortunate (for Phil, at least) that Phil happened to have another house wired to blow up mere blocks from where Aunt Hottie was taking Jack. I suppose since Opie knew where to find the Russians, Phil would have as well? Ugh. Logic hurts. Anyway, the explosion was awesome, Milo and Aunt Hottie are on the run, Milo blowing up the UPS van was awesomer, and despite that fact that I’ve done nothing but bitch and point out plotholes during this entire hour, I pretty much loved every frakkin’ second of it, and I wish that 24 was called 48 and was on for two hours every week. Because that was a superbly entertaining 2 HOUR 24 EVENT OF SPECTACULARNESS.

Stats: I’ve got no good stats for this second hour. There may have been a "dammit," but I dunno. No terrorist casualties, though. However, CTU lost another Tact Team, I think CiderJack’s still alive, and MMM’s the Player of the Game, for no other reason than setting off all of the grenades and running like hell was a pretty solid plan. Pity he’s deader than disco next hour..

Final Verdict: 5 out of 5 David Palmers learning Sherri Palmer and throwing her off the campaign trail. Yup. More great stuff that made me anxiously await the next week. What more do you want from your TV? I harp about logic, but I don’t care. If I want tight, logic-based storytelling, I’ll watch Grey’s Anatom…no. Umm, I’ll watch Lost…nope. Umm.. got it—I’ll watch Dirty Jobs. See how it always comes full circle?

Be good to each other, and shame on you all for not commenting on Homey the Clown last week. Personally, I thought that was pretty great.

-apk

AWESOME THING

CLICK ME, then scroll on down to "24 Open".  The Pittsburgh Penguins have been using a 24-style Opening Montage on their Jumbotron for a few months now, and I've been waiting a long time for this to be posted on their website. Back in January, I even emailed their media department and asked when it would be posted.

This is, bar none, the coolest Jumbotron movie I've ever seen in my entire life.  So you can visualize how it works in the arena, about five minutes before the teams take the ice, the house lights go pitch black, and this fantastic little movie kicks up.  It is supremely badass.

In light of this, I hope you can forgive me for being so far behind on my recaps.

-apk